To be annoyed DH gives his friends gate access without telling me to our house?

[ivfregret]

Maybe first world problems but I can't trust my husband and I'm fed up with it.

I have told him under no circumstance should anyone else know our gate code, it's unnecessary and means anyone can come in when I'm chilling in the garden like happened today.

I'm sunbathing topless and his mate walls down the drive.

Why would he do this and just Willy nilly give people access?

AIBI to be fuming because he always says I'm overreacting and I've had enough.

He didn't even tell me his friend was coming which I also think I have the decency to know.

He now tells me another friend of his shared the code.

I don't like people visiting when I dont know. I feel like I cannot relax in my own home.

Please tel me who is unreasonable here

Change the code.
And keep changing it weekly.

This doesn't happen to me. People come down our drive when they like. There is no code for the gate, just a latch the postman and delivery drivers can all open. I wear clothes. It's a different world.

YANBU

Change the code.

@Applecoresweet I asked if I was being unreasonable!?

I appreciate not everyone has a gate but I bought one partly for this reason we live in a remote area so I don't want just anyone anytime being able to waltz in - for security reasons mainly too

Most people don’t have codes to get into their back gardens. Mostly people can just walk in.

The issue is your friends. They should know you enough to know if it’s ok to do it or not. I have some friends who are like, “Just pop your head round to see if I’m out in the garden” and I have friends who are like, “always call before visiting.”

Your issue really is that you and your husband have different boundaries so you need to have a proper talk about this and come to an agreement. Since you have a code on your gate, you could always just change it weekly.

Did he agree not to give people the gate number? What is the benefit of them having the gate number?

I would just change the gate code.

But why do these people want to come into your back garden? And is DH there when they arrive?

@Readyplayerthr33 you hit the nail on the head we have VERY different boundaries and it does create huge problems in our relationship,

I'm very private and he's completely the opposite.

I've told him and he has no respect for me in the sense that he says I'm being ridiculous and he isn't going to entertain it.

I find that really disrespectful. He can only see his way as right, it makes me sad

Yanbu! But change the combination and don't tell him!

@Readyplayerthr33 also his friend told him he was popping round so didn't unannounced in his defence the issue is DH didn't tell me

Why are they coming in? Do you have a pool?
Was your husband there, because if he knew his friend was coming round and that you were topless, you’ve got a bigger problem than a code to your gate tbh.

@Billyho one of his mates sometimes feeds the dogs if we are out so I think he has it and then shared it with another friend or at least that's what DH said but I think he's lying tbh because he know I'll be annoyed

@icelollycraving he didn't know I was topless as he was in the house and I was outside but no he did not tell me anyone was visiting today

@icelollycraving I have no idea what the visit was for and no we don't have a pool!

I realise the gate is a symptom of a bigger problem but for short term peace of mind could you put a bolt on the inside of the gate that you fasten when you want to sunbathe?

Perhaps it's time to admit that your marriage isn't working. This isn't just about the gate. It's about a fundamental lack of respect.

@OddBoots no it's the kind of gate that is Motor powered that could break it.

Please can you shed light on what you mean symptom of a bigger problem )

@Aquamarine1029 isn't that a but extreme??! To divorce over a gate!!

But please provide a bit more advice because I don't know how to approach to us with DH when he doesn't respect my boundaries with these things

At least this friend won’t do it again, after walking in on you topless!

"he doesn't respect my boundaries with these things" - that is what I mean about a bigger problem.

😂😂😂

Um... You just answered your own question. I already said this isn't really about the bloody gate, because it's not It's a lack of respect in your marriage. Your husband doesn't respect you.

@Readyplayerthr33 he never saw anything! And the issue is DH says he is never going to always tell me if someone is coming?

Is this too much to ask how does it work in other relationships? If someone is popping in do you always know?

@Aquamarine1029 yes but he m trying to get to the bottom of my original question - AIBU to expect to know if someone is popping into my home? And to be 100 percent confident noone else has access to our gate?

He does it because he also forgets things so for example I could have made him swear to the above then he will forget and therefore let his friend have the code.

Does anyone else have a DH like this?! Am I overreacting?