Breastfeeding baby-ex wants me to stop

[Dowhatican]

DS is 16 months. We co-sleep and he is still breastfed. Spilt with ex in jan. his mother was messaging and calling me the other day, stating that they(he still lives at home) won’t be having him overnight until DS is no longer bf and in his own room. Having us own room isn’t possible as I simply don’t have another bedroom until I can move house. Aside from this, I’ve co-slept and BF all my DC until they weaned themselves.
his mother was very obnoxious and quite threatening. She even said ‘you knew ex wasn’t ready to be a dad but you went ahead with the pregnancy anyway’. I need to add that, at the time, I gave him the option of walking away, Scot free, but he chose not to.
I explained that he isn’t a child anymore(at 28) and she replied ‘well he is a child!’ Confirmed what I’d thought all along to be honest.
Do I need to speak to a solicitor about all this? At the moment DC only goes to their house once a week either sat or sun. I’m in no hurry for dc to be away from me overnight, either. I honestly wish he’d just choose to walk away at this stage

Feed your child however suits you best. I wouldn't be in a rush to be sending him for overnight anyway and I wouldn't be entertaining phonecalls from the mother either. Perhaps seeing a solicitor would put your mind at rest or at least give you a realistic idea of how things may play out later on?

Can they/court force me to stop bf and co-sleeping? I mean, I’m not refusing to let him go overnight, it’s totally their decision not to

No they have no right to insist you stop b/ feeding or co sleeping.

I would simply say to her I will didscuss it with Dc dad then ignore .

tell him exactly what your plan is - it isn’t up for negotiation - this works best for us both.

my ex mil tried some shit telling me I was a bad mother not doing what she thought I should do. I told her I would take advice from people who knew how hard I worked raising my dc .

I’ve had to block her! It was getting ridiculous.
he’s supposed to be seeing DC on Saturday, but after the exchanges with her, I’m reluctant. She wanted to ‘see my face’ and told me to come to her house right then so she could ‘see my face’! It was quite intimidating. Ex is rarely(if ever) on his own with dc

Oh and he smokes weed 🙄 although I think(can’t be sure) he’s cut down a bit

I don't see how they can force you to stop raising your child as you see fit in your own home, although co-sleeping is more dangerous than your child being in their own bed. But there's no precedent for them stopping someone from choosing to do it even though it's not ideal, so I can't see that they would.

They can however give your ex overnight contact if they see it as being in the best interests of the child. Under age one they may err on the side of BF mother have all overnights, but your child is older, so they would probably consider that it would be more beneficial for him to have contact time with his father instead. They won't force you to stop BF, but they can insist that he gets overnight stays where you won't be able to BF.

Is it that they think it may be difficult to have him there if the set up is completely different, IE at yours he sleeps with you and BFs, and at his dad's he sleeps in his own bed and FFs? Because it may make it tricky but not impossible, it's just a matter of setting a routine and not expecting it to happen in an instant. Anyhow, it shouldn't be his mother telling you all this, HE needs to communicate his wishes and come to an arrangement with you.

A lawyer might be helpful if his mother carries on contacting you, you can just refer her to them instead. At least it'll save you the hassle of speaking to either of them!

They had him overnight a couple of weeks ago and, just as he does with me, woke a few times in the night. With me it’s a case of staying in bed, a quick feed, and back to sleep. DC has never had a bottle and has always refused one. Won’t even have a dummy. So obviously he was harder to settle for them
I don’t want to force them to have him overnight.

Babies tend to refuse a bottle when they're with the person who breastfeeds them; that isn't usually the case when that person isn't there. So it sounds like he's just not used to waking up in the night a few times rather than doing it wrong. I can imagine it will make it harder that you're not doing any kind of sleep training, but that doesn't preclude him from doing it when he has him - it would be harder because it obviously wouldn't be consistent, but those are the breaks when you split up, unfortunately.

I think at this point you just need to find out what it is he actually wants as an end game - as in does he want him overnight, if so how many times a week or month, etc etc. Once you find that out it's easier to make a feasible plan that works for everyone, random calls making random demands from someone else who isn't either you or him doesn't fit that bill! Is there any way you can talk directly to him?

Oh he is definitely not used to waking up in the night! He’d never wake up when the baby did-ever. His mum had to step in and get him back to sleep when he was there.
he made noises about wanting him 50/50 but that was a while ago. I really can’t see that happening. Not now, not ever.
honestly, I’d rather avoid talking to him if at all possible.

Carry on as you are, OP. You know what is best for your child and I don’t see why you shouldn’t change that for a dad that may only end up having him a few nights here and there before losing interest.
His mother sounds like a lunatic.

*should

Please tell me you have a cms claim in and he is paying his way.

Do not let them dictate this. And they can fuck off having him for overnights. He doesn't know them. They don't have a right to have him!

Stay strong!

I knew she was feisty but this was a whole new level of lunacy!
I pray every day that he does lose interest. I think he’ll want to keep his ‘good person’ status though and keep doing the bare minimum to show people he’s ‘an amazing dad’ as they often tell me

It’s going through now. He was giving me £70 a month but that only started in Feb/march. He was very unhappy that I’d asked him to contribute anything so was especially pissed that the amount
ore than doubled. Apparently he’s doing g me a favour by ‘paying me’ though. Honestly. Totally clueless about real life!

Completely ignore her, he's not the one wanting you to stop bf so he can have her overnight, she is. It would be useful to have a text saved somewhere that proved he's smoking weed and it's his mother, not him, looking after baby at night. But that's only if it gets to court and he sounds like he isn't particularly motivated beyond telling mummy she's right.

I need to send him a message telling him what’s happening. I’m sure I have plenty of messages re the weed. He wouldn’t leave the house at weekends because he’d ‘had a smoke’.
I don’t want to send my baby there anymore but I know I have to. It’s such a horrible feeling

At 16 months he doesn't need a bottle or formula anyway, they can give him food and milk from a cup at theirs. He can sleep in his own room at theirs. You can keep breastfeeding and cosleeping when he is with you, ignore the person saying it is dangerous, cosleeping can be done safely and your child is the age that many cot sleepers are coming into their parents' beds for part of the night anyway!

Surely the breastfeeding is irrelevant, as you don’t want them to have him overnight and they don’t want to have him either?
solicitors are for when you disagree and you both agree.

I think in case he goes down the court route, your best bet is to make ds available for overnights. Whether they choose to take him then sits with them. How they plan to attend to him overnight is also their business.

I'd send something like "I don't plan on amending how ds and I live in our own home. Ds is welcome to sleep over at yours once a week - please just book it in with a few days notice. Whether you choose to co sleep with him or not is up to you, I wouldn't start telling you how to parent your son in your home. If I don't hear back about sleepovers, I'll work on the assumption you want daytime visitation only"

From what they’re saying, they do want him overnight but not while I’m bf. I didn’t know if they were going to try and force me to stop

I'd stop them seeing DC and let them take you to court.

He sounds like a weed smoking loser and his mum sounds unhinged. Not people I would want around my child full stop!

Yep. This. I don’t want to be seen as the bitch who stopped her sons dad from seeing him though. It’s not who I am. But it may well have to be
i honestly don’t know how I’d afford court fees etc. I doubt I’d get legal aid for this

I'd stop the visits too.

His he possibly smoking weed in the house when baby is there?

He doesn't seem able to look after the baby himself so I would say that until he's able to look after him and be drug free then you're not sending the child there.

Don't talk to his mother anymore, it has nothing to do with this at all - other than she is enabling sons crap behaviour.

They absolutely can't tell you how to raise your child. I absolutely wouldn't want my child to stay with someone who smokes weed either!
I may be biased as someone who also co-sleeps & bf's, but to take that comfort away from them before they're ready (if it's unnecessary) is pretty cruel. Bf isn't just about food, but sadly it doesn't seem to be a widely known fact.
The mother sounds absolutely ridiculous - at 28 I would be embarrassed to pander to such behaviour from my son!