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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding baby-ex wants me to stop

68 replies

Dowhatican · 11/06/2023 17:10

DS is 16 months. We co-sleep and he is still breastfed. Spilt with ex in jan. his mother was messaging and calling me the other day, stating that they(he still lives at home) won’t be having him overnight until DS is no longer bf and in his own room. Having us own room isn’t possible as I simply don’t have another bedroom until I can move house. Aside from this, I’ve co-slept and BF all my DC until they weaned themselves.
his mother was very obnoxious and quite threatening. She even said ‘you knew ex wasn’t ready to be a dad but you went ahead with the pregnancy anyway’. I need to add that, at the time, I gave him the option of walking away, Scot free, but he chose not to.
I explained that he isn’t a child anymore(at 28) and she replied ‘well he is a child!’ Confirmed what I’d thought all along to be honest.
Do I need to speak to a solicitor about all this? At the moment DC only goes to their house once a week either sat or sun. I’m in no hurry for dc to be away from me overnight, either. I honestly wish he’d just choose to walk away at this stage

OP posts:
Original poster
Dowhatican · 11/06/2023 19:17

No, he only smokes in the garden and won’t drive if he has
oh she thinks he’s wonderful and can do no wrong and is an amazing father. He does none of the ‘hard work’ whatsoever. But I need to suck it up as I chose to breastfeed. It’s like a low budget sitcom!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dowhatican · 11/06/2023 19:18

Goose22 · 11/06/2023 19:17

They absolutely can't tell you how to raise your child. I absolutely wouldn't want my child to stay with someone who smokes weed either!
I may be biased as someone who also co-sleeps & bf's, but to take that comfort away from them before they're ready (if it's unnecessary) is pretty cruel. Bf isn't just about food, but sadly it doesn't seem to be a widely known fact.
The mother sounds absolutely ridiculous - at 28 I would be embarrassed to pander to such behaviour from my son!

She asked me to stop comfort feeding him. Absolutely not! If you hadn’t already guessed, she didn’t breastfeed her kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Dowhatican · 11/06/2023 19:22

DS has a good routine here. Gets up around 7.30-8, nap about midday then we’re in bed by 7.30 and asleep by 8 at the latest. But when he goes there for the day, as it’s a half hour drive, he’ll inevitably fall asleep on both journeys gets home to me about 6, then bedtime is basically pointless until midnight and he’s really cranky the next day or so. It’s a right pain!

OP posts:
DazeOff · 11/06/2023 19:23

You have a point but don't make this about not breastfeeding OP.

Original poster
Dowhatican · 11/06/2023 19:23

DazeOff · 11/06/2023 19:23

You have a point but don't make this about not breastfeeding OP.

That’s literally how the exchange with his mother started…

OP posts:
Original poster
Dowhatican · 11/06/2023 19:24

Yes there are many other factors, but that is their main argument

OP posts:
GrannypantsMagee · 11/06/2023 19:27

You sound like you're a great mum. Of course they can't force you to stop feeding your child. Keep doing your thing. The dad needs to grow up, but it sounds like thanks to his mumma he doesn't need to bother. Good luck with them 🫣

Goose22 · 11/06/2023 19:27

Completely ridiculous request - I still comfort feed my 2.5 year old because he needs it. I'd be sending her a link on the biology of breastfeeding. I do find the older crowd very critical of breastfeeding (aka MIL all over the world 😂), especially when they didn't do it themselves.
Keep doing you, breastfeeding is protected by law, so they're just arguing for the sake of it.

Zingys · 11/06/2023 19:33

first of all you dont need to discuss anything with your MIL.
dint lower yourself and quarrel with her. Your lifestyle is not her business.
secondly your ex is a grown man and a dather and he can arrange care for
his son.

Singleandproud · 11/06/2023 19:33

My ex made all the same noises, how I'd have to stop bfing and cosleepiing because soon I'd be seeing a lot less of DD because he was going for 50:50.

In reality I wrote up the contact schedule I thought was appropriate for DD and the judge agreed, little & often building up to whole days and eventually in the future over nights when she was 4. He couldn't even keep to that schedule due to work so no way would he have ever managed 50:50.

At 16 months your DS can have a mixture of food and drinks and if they don't want him as he is bf then that's their loss.

DazeOff · 11/06/2023 19:34

That’s literally how the exchange with his mother started…

I mean the fact that didn't breastfeed. I get you are pissed odd with her but loads of people can't. It doesn't make them the devil

Original poster
Dowhatican · 11/06/2023 19:37

DazeOff · 11/06/2023 19:34

That’s literally how the exchange with his mother started…

I mean the fact that didn't breastfeed. I get you are pissed odd with her but loads of people can't. It doesn't make them the devil

Oh I agree. As a pp said, the older generation(although she isn’t all that much older than I am) don’t understand that it isn’t just about feeding the child. It provides so much more. Comfort, pain relief, antibodies. The list goes on. I won’t deny my son any of this for as long as he wants it

OP posts:
Hyppogriff · 11/06/2023 19:41

Of course they can’t stop you from bf or co-sleeping (although it’s probably the right time at that age that you stopped the former tbh imo).

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 11/06/2023 19:44

It sounds like he was unsettled and she's trying to make it your fault by bringing in the bfing. My mil was the same when babysitting.

I agree with only talking to ex, not his mother she has no parental authority. I'd bite my tongue with him, tell him that's ok if you can't do nights right now, we can keep it as days and try again when he's older, put it off as long as possible, and ignore and shut down any talk of bfing.

If it's possible for you or you think there's no way he'd go for it could you say he can put him to bed at yours on occasion?

Try not to react, he might then want to fight you more, instead of losing interest.

She's completely unreasonable though, why would she say that you trapped him if she loves her grandson so much.

EmeraldFox · 11/06/2023 19:45

Hyppogriff · 11/06/2023 19:41

Of course they can’t stop you from bf or co-sleeping (although it’s probably the right time at that age that you stopped the former tbh imo).

Why? The child isn't even two!

MintJulia · 11/06/2023 19:50

Tryagainplease · 11/06/2023 18:22

Carry on as you are, OP. You know what is best for your child and I don’t see why you shouldn’t change that for a dad that may only end up having him a few nights here and there before losing interest.
His mother sounds like a lunatic.

This. Carry on feeding your baby as you see fit.

Your ex won't choose to have him overnight again, which suits everyone, and his mother is irrelevant.

Do not respond to her demands. Block, ignore and deal only with your ex or his solicitor. If she is going to be difficult, ask your ex to collect his son.

EmeraldFox · 11/06/2023 19:52

Hyppogriff · 11/06/2023 19:41

Of course they can’t stop you from bf or co-sleeping (although it’s probably the right time at that age that you stopped the former tbh imo).

https://www.who.int/health-topics/breastfeeding#tab=tab_2

From the age of 6 months, children should begin eating safe and adequate complementary foods while continuing to breastfeed for up to two years of age or beyond.

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding

https://www.who.int/health-topics/breastfeeding#tab=tab_2

Blessedbethefruitz · 11/06/2023 19:54

As a breastfeeding co sleeping mum to a 16 month old, you shouldn't tar all of that 'older generation' as anti breastfeeding. My mum fed me and my little brother to 1 year (me when she was 15). I imagine she might comment if it's ongoing past 2, but no fucks given here.

No one can make you stop either. It just makes it harder for your baby (the person who actually matters vs the dad and grandma) if they do go overnight.

ContinuousProcrastination · 11/06/2023 19:56

They can't stop you bf him.

Toddler just needs to go there a few times to get used to there not being bf as an option there then he'll get used to settling for them.

It might be helpful if you supported that a bit, for example having a muslin or something for toddler to hold when you feed that he can then take to Dad's as a comfort object. Just because you don't like the child's father it doesn't mean your child won't benefit from having a bond with an involved father.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 11/06/2023 19:56

Hyppogriff · 11/06/2023 19:41

Of course they can’t stop you from bf or co-sleeping (although it’s probably the right time at that age that you stopped the former tbh imo).

That's very rude!

Ignore OP, you haven't asked for advice on the time to stop, many of us do it longer or not at all, it's no one else's business. "IMO"

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/06/2023 20:14

Stop all contact with her. Only go through the baby's father- you're all adults. Do not entertain any conversation about when and how you feed your baby. No court would tell you to stop BF.
Only agree to overnights if you want to (to have a break).
Assuming dad is on the birth certificate?

Original poster
Dowhatican · 11/06/2023 20:16

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/06/2023 20:14

Stop all contact with her. Only go through the baby's father- you're all adults. Do not entertain any conversation about when and how you feed your baby. No court would tell you to stop BF.
Only agree to overnights if you want to (to have a break).
Assuming dad is on the birth certificate?

Yes, sadly. Dot know what I was thinking?!

OP posts:
khaa2091 · 11/06/2023 20:25

I’m going to come at this from a different angle.
No comments on the co-sleeping or breast feeding, but you sound as though you are trying to find a way of preventing your child from having a relationship with their father. He moans about paying -but does, and his mother clearly also wants contact. I don’t think it is fair to deprive them all of the chance to be part of your child’s family.

SweetStrawberrie · 11/06/2023 20:33

khaa2091 · 11/06/2023 20:25

I’m going to come at this from a different angle.
No comments on the co-sleeping or breast feeding, but you sound as though you are trying to find a way of preventing your child from having a relationship with their father. He moans about paying -but does, and his mother clearly also wants contact. I don’t think it is fair to deprive them all of the chance to be part of your child’s family.

I don't think it's 'fair' to give the mother of your grandchild shit instead of talking to your own son about his useless behaviour.

I don't think it's 'fair' to smoke weed yet moan about paying for your child.

I especially don't think it's 'fair' to dictate to someone what they choose to do with their own boobs.

To each their own!

greyhairnomore · 11/06/2023 20:36

Goose22 · 11/06/2023 19:27

Completely ridiculous request - I still comfort feed my 2.5 year old because he needs it. I'd be sending her a link on the biology of breastfeeding. I do find the older crowd very critical of breastfeeding (aka MIL all over the world 😂), especially when they didn't do it themselves.
Keep doing you, breastfeeding is protected by law, so they're just arguing for the sake of it.

Don't tar the all older generation with the same brush please.