To not think this is ‘giving to receive’

[Cellocecilia]

DH are having a disagreement and I’m hoping a poll and input from strangers can help settle this debate.

my New Year’s resolution this year was to start reciprocating energy and effort. I am a very generous person, as is DH, gift giving is both of our ‘love languages’ (if you believe in that stuff) so we always go above and beyond for people’s birthdays, Christmas, new pets, new babies, retirements etc.

I have a very close friend (best friends since we were 10) and we both got married around the same time, we have always got gifts for her husbands birthday, Christmas, when he passed some big exams for work last year we sent a nice card and gifts etc. however it’s dawned on me they have never, and I mean never got anything for my husband, not for his birthday, nothing for him specifically for Christmas (always a family gift) they don’t even regularly message him on his birthday.

So this year I have decided that we are not going to get him (friends husband) anything for his birthday, in my view I am reciprocating effort, DH thinks it’s giving to receive.

note this isn’t a financial issue on their behalf, so I don’t feel it’s unfair to stop putting in so much effort for nice, thoughtful gifts when they don’t do the same.

So AIBU that this isn’t giving to receive and it’s somewhat normal to not get things for people who never make an effort for you?

You are buying her DH because he is married to your best friend.
You are stopping buying simply because they don’t buy for your DH so your DH is right really, but I don’t blame you for stopping.

He’s right but also you’re right to stop in this situation. Forget virtue signalling, you won’t get any more brownie points from her for buying for her DH. I’d have a nice meal out instead. You sound like a lovely thoughtful person though - just don’t be walked over!

No, it is listening to the social cue sent by the other party and following.

Thank you for this, I wondered if it would be a technicality he would win on

Since having DD towards the end of last year I have really started to realise who makes an effort and who doesn’t, it then spread to seeing which people never make an effort with DH (and for him those who don’t make an effort for me)

Its been going on for 11 years so I feel a bit silly for only seeing it now

Definitely not wanting to be walked all over.

Feel like a mug for spending months tracking down a first edition of a bloody philosophy book he was really interested in for his birthday last year.

The fact they don't reciprocate may mean they don't want the gifts themselves but found it hard to tell you. Or maybe they did tell you every time and you just kept buying anyway? A lot of people do this. We have a ridiculous situation within a group of friends that started off with others buying my Ds presents then next couple had baby etc. Its now turned into constant presents for 5 children birthday and Christmas and 3 lots coming into my house that we don't even want. I tried to shut it down many a time but I get ignored so I keep giving back so no one thinks I'm stingy. Madness really. I think you are someone who enjoys gift giving and that's OK but it's also OK to take a break now!

I think what you are doing is entirely in line with your resolution.

However, is there a compromise where you just dial back the effort on gifts? It sounds like you are putting far to much thought into those gifts when a bottle of wine would do.

They don't want gifts, what a pressure. You spent months tracking down a first edition? It is too full on.

Maybe just scale it back. Or, invite them out for dinner when it is his birthday, treat them. Then when it's your DHs birthday invite them out for dinner again to celebrate it and see what their reaction is. If they allow you to pay for it again you have your answer.

It isn't about giving oer se but the introduction of an unnecessary layer of social admin. It's the sort of thing my friends and I did in our 20s but stopped when we got married, had dc, etc. I have only ever bought presents for my god children. Stopped buying for nephews and nieces not so much because it wasn't reciprocated but because sil never bothered to say thank you.

Don't build rods for your own back op.

This is the compromise DH wants to do, as he feels if we go cold Turkey they might think we are pissed off with them. Which I’m genuinely not but it’s such a staggering difference, even when the cost of the gift is minimal I put a lot of effort into making it nice (nice wrapping, adding little chocolates I know he really likes etc.) they don’t even post on DHs FB for his birthday

I like getting people things they have expressed interest in, or want. I’m not aiming to add to the tat pile or regifting box

Yeah it's giving to receive. The fact that you're not receiving so you're now going to stop giving is exactly that. But I don't blame you for stopping with it being one sided.

This is most likely it, yes.

It’s the right thing to stop giving, however you want to analyse it. Why not send a card with a lovely message so they know there is no issue between you?

Feel like a mug for spending months tracking down a first edition of a bloody philosophy book he was really interested in for his birthday last year
Far, far too much effort for your friend's husband. They're probably feeling they've been sucked into some huge fuss they want no part of and are hoping to shut it down by not reciprocating.

I felt exactly like this after having my DD, it’s amazing how you notice these things when your priority in life changes!

Personally, I’d just stop and go cold turkey. Free up the energy 😚😚

Feel like a mug for spending months tracking down a first edition of a bloody philosophy book he was really interested in for his birthday last year.

If gift giving is your love language that's the problem here. I am the same and am like you spend ages getting the perfect gift. That's why it hurts when their is no reciprocatino.

If you just bunged him a box of chocolates from the petrol station you wouldn't think twice about it so I see why you see it as effort as distinct from your DH.

If this is ingrained in you it's hard to stop and just go for the lowest commone denominator of a box of chocs or bottle of wine but that is really what you should do if you want to buy gifts for more peripheral people.

I totally get where you are coming from as I am the same and end up heartbroken when I've done the carefully researched 1st ed and I am the one that gets the bottle of wine from a mate. There is a lot in that love language thing though I think especially around gifts - if its your thing, you know.

You are both right 😃

Like others I think they're more likely to be relieved than upset if you stop. You're going so far beyond the social norm for a friend's husband's birthday that this should only continue if it's a mutual quirk of the friendship - which clearly it isn't.

Gift giving is a social ritual with many complex unwritten rules that change between different cultures.

The husband you are gifting to doesnt share your approach and honestly i think it is impolite to give on a scale that has not been mutually agreed

Gifts are enjoyable when mutually balanced.

This man has clearly given no sign that your fairly unusual approach to gift giving is wanted. Gifts create a burden on thr reciever whether thst is intended or not

He didnt ask you to go to thst effort and if giving gifts is something he isnt in to or doesn't enjoy then perhaps he would love it if you stopped.

I have had friends who over gift and it has made me anxious and embarrassed

Your friend and her husband may simply not view gifts the same way you do. I do not think you are 'giving to receive', but the lack of reciprocity has alerted you that your gifts may not be being received in the spirit in which they are given.

I would look on it as a variation of 'treat people as you would be treated' ('do unto others' if you want to be biblical). They do not give gifts, that is how they are treating others, therefore that is how they wish to be treated. So - no gifts.

And I loved Sheldon's take on it all . Enjoy!

"Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation."

I can’t imagine giving gifts to a friends us and, especially not on that scale! I agree they will be relieved you have stopped. My mums cousins used to buy gifts for me and my sisters every Christmas, we hardly knew them and never saw them, I asked mum every year to please ask them to stop doing it but she wouldn’t - it was only v recently with us all in our 40s they seem to have stopped. Thankfully.

Husband not us and

That Sheldon clip is so perfect!