To not think this is ‘giving to receive’

52 replies

Cellocecilia · 10/06/2023 16:25

DH are having a disagreement and I’m hoping a poll and input from strangers can help settle this debate.

my New Year’s resolution this year was to start reciprocating energy and effort. I am a very generous person, as is DH, gift giving is both of our ‘love languages’ (if you believe in that stuff) so we always go above and beyond for people’s birthdays, Christmas, new pets, new babies, retirements etc.

I have a very close friend (best friends since we were 10) and we both got married around the same time, we have always got gifts for her husbands birthday, Christmas, when he passed some big exams for work last year we sent a nice card and gifts etc. however it’s dawned on me they have never, and I mean never got anything for my husband, not for his birthday, nothing for him specifically for Christmas (always a family gift) they don’t even regularly message him on his birthday.

So this year I have decided that we are not going to get him (friends husband) anything for his birthday, in my view I am reciprocating effort, DH thinks it’s giving to receive.

note this isn’t a financial issue on their behalf, so I don’t feel it’s unfair to stop putting in so much effort for nice, thoughtful gifts when they don’t do the same.

So AIBU that this isn’t giving to receive and it’s somewhat normal to not get things for people who never make an effort for you?

OP posts:

GCalltheway · 11/06/2023 10:54

AngelinaFibres · 10/06/2023 18:26

I have been friends with her for 40 years. Her husband adores her as do her children. She had a very difficult childhood and has 'saviour syndrome' as a result. She is used by people because she finds it impossible to say no to even the most outrageous request. She does the present thing because it is impossible not to. She must express love in a concrete( plastic) way and then people will like her and it will all be okay. She knows very well that I think she should get counselling to deal with her issues. We have talked about it many,many times. My husband is one of 5. All have married and had children who have now had children. That's an enormous family. She said once " wow ,how many Christmas presents do you have to buy. It must take you months'. I just said " no ,they decided years ago not to do gifts and, even if they did , it would be my husbands job not mine'. It seemed to be a total revation that you could love people,and they could love you, without buying stuff.

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I actually feel sorry for your friend of 40 years that you have spent half of her life sneering and judging her - spiteful comments like ‘it’s all about meeeee’ shows you really don’t care how badly her childhood has affected her, despite knowing it was very bad for her, and has clearly damaged her. You sound like a bloody awful person and friend.

I hope she does get plenty of counselling and the first revelation she has is about you.

She deserves much, much better. It’s no fun being a people pleaser and no one chooses to be one! It is conditioning and very hard to over come particularly if there is a traumatic childhood.

SquaresandStarlings · 12/06/2023 00:03

Ponderingwindow · 10/06/2023 16:46

No, it is listening to the social cue sent by the other party and following.

Well this, of course.

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