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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it could be easier

57 replies

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 17:34

If I left.
15 years , a generally good bloke, although often manchild. I no longer have a concept of what constitutes a normal relationship.
what is your current partner like to you…. 15+ years relationship PLEASE respond.
I just want the odd bit of romance and depth
tried all the usual to move things forwards.
I want to know if a fat middle aged average looking and average intelligent woman could be loved …
not just used as shag fest
my theory is most women hold on to a decent guy… so what’s the offerings like second time around?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 18:15

It’s not looking hopeful 😬

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 09/06/2023 18:25

My DH is a good guy. Weve been together 17 years, married for 13. Hes a great father, always involved with the kids and their activities. He will put me and the kids first every single time. He works hard to provide the majority of the money. He is generous in every way. We generally argue respectfully (although have had a couple of humdingers over the years).

However, hes not perfect. In company he is quiet and is quite a reserved character, whereas I'm outgoing. He also doesn't make romantic gestures and on my birthday/Christmas he will get me a card unless I specifically ask for something.

In terms of whether you'd be better off apart, iv no idea. Is he disrespectful to you? Or is it just he's not making big romantic efforts?

Legaldrama · 09/06/2023 18:29

I think it'd be quite rare amongst those that I know for us still to be doing the grand romantic gestures after 15 years.
It's more like taking the kids out in a Sunday morning so you can have an hours peace, or not being stroppy if the other wants to go away for the weekend with friends etc.
What is it you're after exactly?
Mine's a decent fella, drinks too much for my liking at times and isn't proactive with jousework unless specifically asked, but he works hard, is generous, and would lay down and die for me if I asked.

Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 19:45

Does it make any difference that he is lazy and acts like he’s doing me a favour doing the bare min.
does it matter that he can’t show any emotions

OP posts:
Howareu · 09/06/2023 19:50

Yes, it matters.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 09/06/2023 19:52

OP, why don't you write a post saying what you're getting/ not getting out of the relationship or the behaviours that you dislike/like instead of drip feeding first he's a decent guy but not romantic but then saying he's lazy, can't show emotion, acts like he's doing you a favour etc - which obviously doesn't make him sound like a decent guy at all, does it?

Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 19:59

I’m not sure.
sorry
he is a ‘ decent guy’ but then is mostly lazy and emotionally not really interested in me.
Isnt anyone else’s husband a bit like this.
I said I don’t really have any idea what’s ‘ normal’
I don’t really know why I love him…. He can be nice, but just not really involved with me if that makes any sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 20:00

Sorry didn’t mean to drip feed

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 09/06/2023 20:04

I think you can ask yourself if you can imagine living the rest of your life being someone who couldn't really be arsed showing you that they appreciate and love you. 15 years invested is a long time and being 'decent' but not sufficient reasons to stay in an unfulfilling relationship.
I wouldn't compare your relationship with others as this does you no good - nobody knows what those are like behind closed doors - but concentrate on what's going to make you happy. If you're not, take steps to change that, even if that means leaving and being single.

thereallybigsteelcorporation · 09/06/2023 20:23

Married 20 years. He literally does nothing in doors cleaning/tidying wise except for poorly clean the kitchen when he cooks for DC. He does nothing romantic ever, he has no interest imo. Never offers to make me a cuppa/run the odd bath. Never asks me about my night out/weekends away with friends or if I had a good time etc. He doesn't even know the hotel name when I go away, he never asks. Again, no intetest imo. No sex in 5 years. He grabs my boobs like I imagine an inexperienced 17yo would have a drunken grab ie no caressing, gentle touch. He lives like a teenager/student. Pissing on the floor when he misses the loo, never cleans it up. Leaves a trail of general mess & rubbish behind him. I clear it up, he never does.
I stay for the money (we have jointly) & our house. Alone, I would end up in a shitty poor hole of a house in the shittiest area of town.
I do my own thing and accept I will never get any caressing, interest in what I do/ where I go, affection of the level I want, compliments or made to feel wanted/pretty by him.
I would love a man who dresses sharp and has a distinct signature aftershave smell. My H is happy in the scruffiest of trainers and a can of lynx.

thereallybigsteelcorporation · 09/06/2023 20:25

And yes to lazy and emotionally uninterested in me and not being involved me. I could have written your post OP.

Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 20:27

But to everyone else…. Such a fun guy

OP posts:
ThatshallotBaby · 09/06/2023 20:31

We’ve had our ups and downs. I resented the absolute FUCK out of him when the dc when small. We rub along just about I think. Married 17 years.

thereallybigsteelcorporation · 09/06/2023 20:32

ThatshallotBaby · 09/06/2023 20:31

We’ve had our ups and downs. I resented the absolute FUCK out of him when the dc when small. We rub along just about I think. Married 17 years.

Add this for me too

dottiedodah · 09/06/2023 20:38

Surely it doesn't matter what we say though.you sound discontented and it's up to you to decide what to do .I am sure that an average looking lady will be able to find someone if she wants to. Many people are on their own and quite happy.7

Babyboomtastic · 09/06/2023 20:43

Together 15 years. He's an incredibly involved and loving father who is more than my equal in all things domestic.

He treats me with love and respect. We don't have an much time for romance with 2 small kids but we do our best. He's my absolute rock and my favourite person.

He puts a lot of thought into birthdays, anniversaries etc. It's my birthday soon and he's taking us away for the weekend and has organised a party as well as obviously gifts, cake etc.

We annoy eachother sometimes. We aren't perfect, were get tired, snap sorted etc,bbut we both try really hard to make eachother happy.

Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 23:13

That’s so so lovely . This is what I want and finally recognise in need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 23:17

I guess men like your husband aren’t really around for anyone who reflects that their husband didn’t stick to their vows and consider a second chance with a new partner one day…hence why I wander if second time round it’s only the rejects available .. hang on to each other you both sound like you’ve done a great job at putting in the effort and reaping the benefits

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 09/06/2023 23:19

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 23:13

That’s so so lovely . This is what I want and finally recognise in need.

I would caution that single men in their 40s and 50s who act like @Namechangeforthispostpurpose DH are likely to be vanishingly rare. Id say that men like that are already married.

That being said, i can understand why you're not happy with your DH.

LocalHobo · 09/06/2023 23:26

Personally I am more than happy with my (30+ year) relationship but
I want to know if a fat middle aged average looking and average intelligent woman could be loved …
not just used as shag fest
my theory is most women hold on to a decent guy… so what’s the offerings like second time around?
I think it is easy to not appreciate what you have. A friend of mine left her DH for similar reasons you state - no romance or excitement, and felt she was doing far more than he did around the home etc.. Two years down the line he has a happy new relationship, he was snapped up honestly. My friend on the other hand (who is gorgeous btw) has had a few short relationships with men who turned out to be a waste of space. My friend now regrets not making her marriage alter rather than walking away.

Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 23:26

Yes I agree ….. she choose wisely!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 23:27

that was in reference to previous content poster

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 09/06/2023 23:28

@Namechangeforthispostpurpose @Dacadactyl how depressing. Are you suggesting that there are no nice, decent, fun, loving single men in their 40s or 50s? If so, you're absolutely wrong. Middle aged men and women can be single for any number of reasons - not because they're all emotionally unavailable, unromantic, boring people.
And OP, you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Leaving your DH and then automatically becoming involved with someone else or staying in an unhappy marriage are not your only two options.

Original poster
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 23:28

Very interesting…. It’s a gamble if I look at it very emotionlessly

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 09/06/2023 23:38

Whenwillitallmakesense · 09/06/2023 23:28

@Namechangeforthispostpurpose @Dacadactyl how depressing. Are you suggesting that there are no nice, decent, fun, loving single men in their 40s or 50s? If so, you're absolutely wrong. Middle aged men and women can be single for any number of reasons - not because they're all emotionally unavailable, unromantic, boring people.
And OP, you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Leaving your DH and then automatically becoming involved with someone else or staying in an unhappy marriage are not your only two options.

I would be suggesting that the vast, vast majority of those sorts of men are already married. And if they're not married by that age, they likely never will be. Given that I'd want to be married, this would be an issue for me.

But you are correct that OP may be happier single than with him, i don't dispute that.