Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to think it could be easier

57 replies

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 17:34

If I left.
15 years , a generally good bloke, although often manchild. I no longer have a concept of what constitutes a normal relationship.
what is your current partner like to you…. 15+ years relationship PLEASE respond.
I just want the odd bit of romance and depth
tried all the usual to move things forwards.
I want to know if a fat middle aged average looking and average intelligent woman could be loved …
not just used as shag fest
my theory is most women hold on to a decent guy… so what’s the offerings like second time around?

OP posts:

Whenwillitallmakesense · 10/06/2023 11:47

goldenlocks · 10/06/2023 08:04

@Whenwillitallmakesense has clearly not done OLD.

You sound sad OP. Can you give examples? Can you be single?

And you know that because...you're psychic? Or you just like making assumptions about people you don't know based on the fact that they think some single men are decent?
Wind your neck in and just stick to giving comments on the OP's problem, not trying to be clever with other posters

InBedBy10 · 10/06/2023 12:07

I can't believe some of the responses on this post.

Staying in a relationship you are miserable in is NOT better than being single!

I get the thought of being on your own for the next 40yrs is scary but is spending the next 40yrs with someone who clearly doesn't care, love or respect you any better?

You sound miserable OP. Take a leap of faith and end this relationship. Maybe you'll have to be on your own for a while but at least you'll have the chance of finding real happiness. You've no chance if you stay.

Sundaystorm · 10/06/2023 12:16

@BreviloquentBastard I feel warm and fuzzy after reading your post. My husband is amazing too. There really are good men out there.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 10/06/2023 12:20

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 10:43

Yes he knows how unhappy I am
I don’t desperately want someone else but I don’t want to live alone for ( potentially) 40 years.
not sure if the scraps I get are better than no scraps ever again ever !

I think the key question is are you both invested in trying to sort this out, or not.

I don't think you can force him to feel concern about the state of his own marriage. He has to feel that and want to see if something can be done. Even if at present he can't see the solutions - in order to make it work you need at least to have someone who wants to find some different ways of thinking about things so that you can have more of a partnership - a creative marriage that you can both help each other to thrive in. At the moment it's sounding like you're trying to sow seed in a drought ridden soil.

So that's the question really for you both. Do you both acknowledge that it's not working and something needs to change? If so, couples therapy could help.

If he is happy to bury head in the sand then you have the choice to stay or go.

Beware of thinking that the only problem in this marriage is him, though. It always takes two to tango and you'd need to think about whether you can really hear whatever it is that HE might tell you he is unhappy with and think about that.

ChristmasFluff · 10/06/2023 12:53

Why are you even contemplating another relationship when you aren't even out of this one yet?

I ended my marriage to a man who sounds much better than your husband - because I wasn't happy and did not love him the way a wife should love a husband. For example, I couldn't bear the thought of having sex with him, much as I loved him as a friend.

He tried to do his bit around the house, but actually often made things worse...

And yes, I left and was happier (well, once I got out of the abusive relationship I fell into after separating...). I still am - single and loving it 16 years on.

Of course I have had relationships - some good some bad. But I love my life as it is, and a man would have to be bloody awesome for me to compromise that - which most men cannot accept.

Men are not your saviours. YOU are your own saviour. The next 40 years alone? BRING IT ON!

Sarahzb · 11/06/2023 00:21

Oh dear, a relationship is caring about someone else.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/06/2023 00:37

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 10:43

So basically, you're saying you'd rather live with 'atmosphere', and survive on scraps thrown by this man who does not treat you nicely than live on your own in a peaceful home living, not on scraps, but on what you choose to create for yourself.

When I was very young and in an abusive marriage, a very wise older woman told me "It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were". And she was so right! There's nothing wrong with living alone when the alternative is unhappiness. What about living alone are you afraid of?

Listen, I'm old and I've seen and done a lot. And I tell you this: we only get one go round on this beautiful Earth, so don't waste it in unhappiness.

If you do choose to leave, maybe you'll meet someone, maybe you won't. Life offers no guarantees. But no matter what the future holds for you, you are 'sufficient unto yourself', whether you believe it right now or not.

Flip

1 2 3