Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think it could be easier

57 replies

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 17:34

If I left.
15 years , a generally good bloke, although often manchild. I no longer have a concept of what constitutes a normal relationship.
what is your current partner like to you…. 15+ years relationship PLEASE respond.
I just want the odd bit of romance and depth
tried all the usual to move things forwards.
I want to know if a fat middle aged average looking and average intelligent woman could be loved …
not just used as shag fest
my theory is most women hold on to a decent guy… so what’s the offerings like second time around?

OP posts:
mayorofcasterbridge · 09/06/2023 23:44

thereallybigsteelcorporation · 09/06/2023 20:23

Married 20 years. He literally does nothing in doors cleaning/tidying wise except for poorly clean the kitchen when he cooks for DC. He does nothing romantic ever, he has no interest imo. Never offers to make me a cuppa/run the odd bath. Never asks me about my night out/weekends away with friends or if I had a good time etc. He doesn't even know the hotel name when I go away, he never asks. Again, no intetest imo. No sex in 5 years. He grabs my boobs like I imagine an inexperienced 17yo would have a drunken grab ie no caressing, gentle touch. He lives like a teenager/student. Pissing on the floor when he misses the loo, never cleans it up. Leaves a trail of general mess & rubbish behind him. I clear it up, he never does.
I stay for the money (we have jointly) & our house. Alone, I would end up in a shitty poor hole of a house in the shittiest area of town.
I do my own thing and accept I will never get any caressing, interest in what I do/ where I go, affection of the level I want, compliments or made to feel wanted/pretty by him.
I would love a man who dresses sharp and has a distinct signature aftershave smell. My H is happy in the scruffiest of trainers and a can of lynx.

I hear you xx

Whenwillitallmakesense · 09/06/2023 23:45

@Dacadactyl how about widowers, or men who have left unhappy marriages because they feel the same way about their partner as OP does, men who have been cheated on (yes, wonderful, kind men do get cheated on, just like wonderful, kind women do), what about couples who just fall out of love, who are no longer compatible, who married in haste, regretted it and found courage to leave.
What you're saying is like saying all single middle aged women are not worth having either as they're not already married

Dacadactyl · 09/06/2023 23:49

Whenwillitallmakesense · 09/06/2023 23:45

@Dacadactyl how about widowers, or men who have left unhappy marriages because they feel the same way about their partner as OP does, men who have been cheated on (yes, wonderful, kind men do get cheated on, just like wonderful, kind women do), what about couples who just fall out of love, who are no longer compatible, who married in haste, regretted it and found courage to leave.
What you're saying is like saying all single middle aged women are not worth having either as they're not already married

Widowers would be the exception for me tbh.

I am off to bed now but it would be a problem for me if someone was divorced and I wouldn't think of them as a potential partner. The same way that I wouldn't think of a 40 odd year old never married man as a potential partner.

Just my opinion though.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 09/06/2023 23:51

@Dacadactyl fair enough. Goodnight

Merryoldgoat · 09/06/2023 23:52

I am fat, middle aged, mad hair and mad teeth.

Been with DH for 18 years.

He tells me he loves me daily, he splits parenting/housework etc fairly, he’s kind, generous, affectionate and loving.

I’m the same to him. Anything less isn’t acceptable in my opinion.

WineIsMyMainVice · 09/06/2023 23:56

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 09/06/2023 19:45

Does it make any difference that he is lazy and acts like he’s doing me a favour doing the bare min.
does it matter that he can’t show any emotions

Yes that matters…. Sounds like there’s no give and take?

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 00:28

Oh there’s plenty of take!!!

OP posts:
goldenlocks · 10/06/2023 08:04

@Whenwillitallmakesense has clearly not done OLD.

You sound sad OP. Can you give examples? Can you be single?

whatkatydid2013 · 10/06/2023 08:14

We’ve been married 15 years. OH isn’t perfect but there is a lot more I like in our relationship than I don’t and any things that we do that upset the other one we work on improving.

What do you like about your husband/what is good in your relationship and is it enough to offset whatever isn’t? If so can you work to improve some things? I feel like expecting to be blissfully happy at all times in a long term relationship is unrealistic but expecting to be considered and to have your partner act in ways that make it clear you matter to them is very reasonable.

M0rT · 10/06/2023 08:32

I'm married about half the length of time you are, but I'm chiming in because my DH has had to deal with me becoming very ill and coped like a champ without ever making me feel a burden.
There are of course things that irritate each other, compromises made etc
I could and have talked for hours about the "house blindness" and our different ideas of what tidiness means!
But when the shit hit the fan he was fantastic and uncomplaining and because it's cancer I've got to know people who were nowhere near as fortunate as me in their partners when they needed support.
The big problem there is they also block support from others as everyone assumes your partner/family will be helping so don't want to intrude.
As a stranger on the internet I'd say have a think about how he copes with adversity and would he step up for you, equally is there enough love and respect from your side to support him through a debilitating illness?
Hopefully this never becomes your reality but it's a good thought exercise in if it's worth counselling/ trying to reignite a spark or if it's time to start thinking of your future as an individual.

KevinDeBrioche · 10/06/2023 08:48

Marriage is hard. I don’t know anyone that doesn’t have to work at it after the first 10+ years. If you are the same people as when you first met then you haven’t grown at all, it depends whether you can figure out a a way to grow together.

without a a good relationship modelled in your childhood it makes it even more difficult to know how things should be or what you should accept.

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 09:09

I’m so sorry you’ve been unwell , that’s so lovely that your DH has been supportive
mine isn’t when I’m I’ll. asks me when I’m going to bE better ( and I’m rarely Ill)
makes me feel like an inconvenience and then I pay the price for being ill with a lot to catch up on when I’m back to it.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 09:13

I have worked so so so hard at my marriage I can not bend any more or communicate any more or forgive any more. It all falls on deaf ears
it all gets belittled
I can’t Imagine working through something together …. I usually have to explain why I want what i want for around three hours and getting an apology ….. is impossible

OP posts:
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 09:14

Can you please explain ( and I’m sorry if this sounds weird) what does working through something together actually look like ? What happens?

OP posts:
BumpyaDaisyevna · 10/06/2023 09:44

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 09:14

Can you please explain ( and I’m sorry if this sounds weird) what does working through something together actually look like ? What happens?

You say "I feel totally disconnected from you at the moment like you are not interested in me it the kids you're in your own world doing your own thing"

He might say "you don't tell me what you want, you want to do everything yourself the way you want if, you're interested in the children and not in me, if I do something I feel I will be criticised " ...

And so on ...

And in the days that follow he makes an effort to read the school emails and to say did you notice DC1 has speech day how will we work that? And books a restaurant for your anniversary v

And you make an effort to care for him as well as the kids - if you get new lunchboxes for the kids you buy him a nice one too and you make him a nice lunch one day. And if he is getting ready to take the kids Mountain biking you leave him to it and you don't try to take charge.

Recent example from my marriage🤣

Tidsleytiddy · 10/06/2023 09:46

Just had our 25 wedding anniversary. Marriage got off to a shaky start. Lots of drinking and staying out. (Him, not me). Now been sober for 21 years. He is kind, wise and highly intelligent. I’ve never met anyone like him. Not romantic and sometimes I do wait for a bit of excitement but he never criticises me, gives sound advice and we are happy together. We both enjoy our own company and that of each other. Wouldn’t swap him for the world x

Sundaystorm · 10/06/2023 09:50

Married 27 years. He’s the best man I know, kind, funny, loving, empathetic. We laugh a lot and spend a lot of time together. He is a fully functioning adult and does housework, shopping etc. He’s a fantastic dad to our now adult children. We are blessed and lucky to have him. I appreciate him all the more for having a really toxic and abusive childhood and a run of bad relationships before him. It makes me really appreciate what I have.

BreviloquentBastard · 10/06/2023 10:02

Together 16 years. I love him a little more every day.

He's a good man. Kind, gentle, communicative, funny, warm and loving. Very open with his affection, always has been. A rampant snuggler. Very handsome which is a bonus. He pulls his weight around the house, all chores are split 50/50, all cooking split 50/50. I haven't washed a dish for years because I hate it so he does them for me (in exchange for me doing the laundry). He absolutely adores our daughter and has always been a great, active father. He never shouts, which means a lot because my mum and dad were bellowers and I hate it.

Big romantic gestures have never been much of a thing for us, but for me it's more the small gestures that shows he knows me, or has been thinking about me. Tiny things. Bringing me my favourite chocolate, or buying me a new journal he knew I'd like, or parking up on the sofa next to me while I'm chilling and giving me a foot rub.

We've had some hard times too, but the important thing for me is that even when we've been furious with eachother, or struggling, or exhausted, or miserable, we've done everything in our power to tackle the problem together as a team, instead of turning it into me VS him. On the days I hated him most I still felt loved by him and felt like he was on my side.

I would say... Don't give up hope that you might meet one of the good ones "later" in life if you do choose to leave, they are out there. My MIL met her person in her 50's, and he's a wonderful man. Never married, no kids, just never met the right person, but a really lovely, genuine guy and treats MIL like she's a goddess incarnate. They do exist, BUT they are rare. Lazy entitled manchildren unfortunately do seem to be the norm.

TidyHomeTidyMind · 10/06/2023 10:06

It sounds like the lack of romance is the least of your worries to be honest.
He's one of the many millions of man children that unfortunate women like us get saddled with (been with mine almost 20 years!)
They make all of the right noises in the beginning, lovely dates, plenty of time with friends, the house is run jointly by both of you......then boom, kids come along and they sit back with their foot off the pedal and coast through life quite contentedly.
Meanwhile, in the background is a woman holding it all together.
Only you know if your living situation is worth putting up with it for. If you would get a decent settlement if you divorce and could live comfortably without him then it might be worth splitting, there is no guarantee that you would find anyone amazing though.

ladyvimes · 10/06/2023 10:16

Been together 17 married 13. I love him very much. He is kind and funny and a wonderful father. We are a team. We’ve been through a lot and it’s not always been easy. He is totally unromantic and struggles to show emotion, affection but will cuddle me in private. Sex life is ok, prob once a week on average, which I’m happy with - he’d like more!! We do argue and get annoyed with each other but we always have! He generally pulls his weight around the house although my standards are higher than his. Don’t think he’s even cleaned a bathroom but I’ve accepted this and it’s not an issue. I love him for who he is and we are very happy.

Hbh17 · 10/06/2023 10:19

I think in a long marriage, a lack of "romance" is fine and not unusual - in fact, I'd probably find it quite annoying 🤣 It's also true that the grass isn't always greener.

But if it bothers you, OP then it bothers you. The only thing that concerns me is that you worry about finding another partner. What's wrong with ending this relationship and just being single - the happiest women I know are single.

SophieStew · 10/06/2023 10:23

You seem to view the only option to leaving this marriage to be a relationship with another man who might/might not be just as shit.

Have you never considered being single and happy? Your marriage sounds pretty miserable to me but does he know how unhappy you are?

Do you communicate well?

Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 10:39

I would get ‘ why are you having a go at me, all the other mums manage…. ‘
then I would get pissed off then get told
‘ why are you always so arsey with me’

OP posts:
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 10:42

Sorry that was in response to the lucnhbox example!

OP posts:
Namechangeforthispostpurpose · 10/06/2023 10:43

Yes he knows how unhappy I am
I don’t desperately want someone else but I don’t want to live alone for ( potentially) 40 years.
not sure if the scraps I get are better than no scraps ever again ever !

OP posts: