20 year old dd walking home late at night

[moggo]

I've just had a row with dd. She has just arrived home and has walked home on her own. I didn't know she was going to be this late and she wouldn't reply to my texts or pick up the phone. I have asked her to let me know if she is going to be late but she won't. I've got work in the morning and I'm shattered. She is autistic and had a nervous breakdown in January so yes, I do worry. I don't think it's safe for her to be walking home this late and she doesn't understand. All I want is a text but she has just called me controlling. We've all been through hell and back in the last year so I do struggle with my own anxiety. Do you think I'm being unreasonable. Happy to hear it if I am indeed being controlling. Many thanks.

She (as in anyone) could come to more harm with people she knows than strangers, if she is at an age that she can be doing her own thing and thinks it is controlling to her it is

Doesn't matter what we say

You’re not unreasonable to be worried. But worrying doesn’t make her less of an adult.

Part of me thinks yes I would be worried too and want a text. But then I remember when I was 20 I lived in a different city to my parents and they had no idea what time I got home or how I got there.

Can you come to a compromise agreement where she will text when she’s going to be home ‘late’ just so you can relax and sleep? I think if she’s living with you and enjoying the comforts of home and family then some communication isn’t unreasonable.

You're not unreasonable to be worried about your kids in any capacity and given previous circumstances I can see why you'd be even more concerned. I definitely don't think a text is too much to ask for but I don't think she's done it in a way to be malicious. It could be worth you both getting some sleep and having a chat tomorrow with clearer heads

No, I don’t think you’re controlling. Everyone in our house at least texts if they’re going to be home later than planned, including our adult son. No issue with him being out, changing his plans, staying out all night, obviously as he’s an adult, but if it’s a change, then he knows to send a quick text and let us know. I don’t think it’s unreasonable and everyone agrees, it’s just courtesy.

I have an autistic daughter and it can definitely add to their vulnerability and your worry. Then you’ve got even more anxiety about your daughters recent struggles. It’s understandable that you worry.

Try and speak to your daughter tomorrow or over the weekend when you’re all a bit calmer and had some sleep. She’s safe now so try to get some rest. 💐

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. I know I worry too much and suffer from anxiety too. When it comes to dd I go into overdrive and it's not healthy. However I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to send one text. There's nothing I can do about the walking home thing. As per your advice I will try to have a calmer discussion tomorrow. Due to her autism she is quite single minded so I don't hold out much hope of her getting it. I feel pretty upset about the controlling comment though. Don't like that thought.

It’s not unreasonable to ask her to send a text. It’s unreasonable to shout at her or otherwise insist that she sends a text. That’s where the controlling piece comes in. Unless something practical about your life changes because she doesn’t send the text, it’s controlling to insist she jump through a hoop she doesn’t want to jump through.

All this, reasonable is to be considerate and text, having too is controlling

I agree. You can’t make her (or coerce her) to do anything. She’s said no. Leave it now.

What you can do is take control of your own anxiety. You’re not unreasonable for worrying, but you are unreasonable for making someone else responsible for your own anxiety.

In a few days have a calm discussion about safety tips. But. She is an adult.

Something a friend found helped her anxiety was to give them smart watches. Apple Watches have fall detection and click a button for an emergency call. She also paid for their monthly bus passes. The passes are auto recurring so always active and ready to use).

I agree with a compromise.
Mine is the same age, and when she goes out to meet friends in town (we're a 20 minute walk from the centre) she sends a quick message once she's met them, a quick text when she starts walking home and a quick text if she's going to be late.

YANBU - she put herself in a dangerous situation. Why can’t she get a taxis? I don’t sleep properly when both of mine are out. Have a proper chat when you’ve both calmed down about safety.

Walking home is not particularly dangerous in the UK unless there has been a recent spate of attacks in the local area in similar circumstances.

Taxis cost money she might prefer to spend on other things. They might not be easily available. They mean she doesn’t get to walk, which she might enjoy (I always used to enjoy the walk home in the early hours after I’d been out clubbing).

She's not responsible for keeping your anxiety under control.

I’m amazed some of you think it’s not dangerous for a woman to walk home the early hours of the morning.

What? Bad things can happen when anyone walks alone late at night/in the early hours.

This is something we've drilled into our kids. Want to increase your chance of being mugged/attacked? Walk home alone!

I wouldn't be happy with this either op. It's unnecessarily risky.

At 20, many are living away from home and not being accountable to where they are and what they're doing. Like many, I was at uni living in less than salubrious neighbourhoods making my own way round at that age.

Updating plans with a text is a curtesy to people you live with. DH and I update each other on changes of plan so the other plans around it. It's not about permission or fear. You need to manage your own anxiety though. She's not responsible for that. In the vast majority of the UK, walking is not dangerous. As a lone female, I'll generally favour walking a short journey over putting myself in a taxi controlled by an unknown man ( there was a phase of local taxi attacks/ incidents when I was a student, and a lot of advice about it so it was put on my radar and stayed there)

Does she find it difficult to balance other people's perspective against her own? I have an autistic 12yo who is begining to do things independently. If he knows he's OK, it wouldn't occur to him that I was fretting that it wasn't. I have to put my trust in him, and trust that no news is good news. He caught the bus to school for the first time the other day. He didn't update me so I had to trust the likely outcome that nothing had gone wrong, because he would contact me if it had, and school would have got in touch through the morning if he hadn't.

Does she like to know what plans are, because that's the easier angle to explain why an update to plans to the people you live with is good form.
You do need to trust her and manage your own anxiety though. If she was living away frim home, you wouldn't know what she was doing and have to trust that.

It’s hell isn’t it?
But unless you live somewhere very unsafe, the odds of anything happening are minuscule and she’s a grown up.
The not sleeping is entirely a mother thing, not the DDs problem, don’t put that on her.

It doesn't really matter if we think it's dangerous - though I personally have never felt unsafe walking home alone late at night.

OP's daughter is twenty - she's an adult. If she wants to walk home alone then that's her choice to make.

You can't force someone to change their behaviour because you have anxiety. That puts an unfair burden on other people.

It’s not always to do with anxiety it’s common sense. I agree she can’t force her grown up DD to take a taxi. Yes we should be able to walk safely anywhere at any time but reality is we can’t.

Actually, we can. Proof? OP's daughter is home safe.

Why it unsafe? Any more than other things people do regularly

Bad things can happen when you are at home with your family. There is some risk in everything we do. Walking home alone in most places in the UK is not particularly dangerous, and it is up to OP’s daughter what level of risk she is happy with, not OP.

Difficult one given her MH and also that she lives at home, so a greater element of consideration needed.

Having said that I didn’t live at home at that age and was out until all hours, just having fun. There weren’t mobile phones even when I did live at home so my parents therefore had no idea how I got home. Does that make it safer or just out of sight/out of mind. I think the risk of walking home alone late increases if someone has been drinking.

Of course we can. Millions of people walk home alone every single day and don't come to any harm.

She's an adult. It's up to her what she does.

Of the two things you mention, I would have said her safety in how she gets home at night is more important than sending you a text. A very significant proportion of people will not be living with parents at that age and won’t be sending texts telling their parent what time they will be home. Taking personal safety seriously is far more important at any age.