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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

20 year old dd walking home late at night

67 replies

moggo · 09/06/2023 00:40

I've just had a row with dd. She has just arrived home and has walked home on her own. I didn't know she was going to be this late and she wouldn't reply to my texts or pick up the phone. I have asked her to let me know if she is going to be late but she won't. I've got work in the morning and I'm shattered. She is autistic and had a nervous breakdown in January so yes, I do worry. I don't think it's safe for her to be walking home this late and she doesn't understand. All I want is a text but she has just called me controlling. We've all been through hell and back in the last year so I do struggle with my own anxiety. Do you think I'm being unreasonable. Happy to hear it if I am indeed being controlling. Many thanks.

OP posts:

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/06/2023 07:47

I agree that you can ask her to text to allay your fears, but you can't make her. She has judged that it's safe to walk home and if you keep going on at her all she will be hearing is "my mum treats me like a child who can't make her own decisions", and dig her heels in even more to try and prove to you that she's an adult who can do what she likes.

As for how safe it is. Surely it depends on where you live? I've been walking home alone at that time of night regularly for about the last 34 years and I've never had a hint of a problem.

RedHelenB · 09/06/2023 07:48

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 09/06/2023 05:42

I agree with a compromise.
Mine is the same age, and when she goes out to meet friends in town (we're a 20 minute walk from the centre) she sends a quick message once she's met them, a quick text when she starts walking home and a quick text if she's going to be late.

Mine at that age were away at uni and did none if those things. They're adults.

tiggergoesbounce · 09/06/2023 07:48

I dont think its alot to ask if she is living under your roof to be a little bit considerate to you (quite normally) worrying about your DD walking home alone at night. We always tell our kids when they start going out partying, look out for eachother and stay together or get a cab, pretty normal advice.

Yes alot of "children" this age are off doing all kinds when at uni or living away from home, but your DD is not, she is at home so you know about it.

StarGuide · 09/06/2023 07:52

Yes I think it is controlling and unreasonable to row about a 20 year old walking home alone at 11pm-12am alone and I think you need to accept that she's an adult. It's not safe for any woman of any age to walk late but you can't make her text you, she's been an adult for 2 years now. Whether she would be more vulnerable due to autism will depend on how autism affects her however I completely understand the anxiety as a mother, though.

VDisappointing · 09/06/2023 07:54

we all have find your phone on in our family. Do you all have that? I use it to check if a child is on their way home. - although appreciate that if she does not have it already might sound more controlling to her

TaggySitz · 09/06/2023 07:55

YANBU about her walking home late at night. But:

When it comes to dd I go into overdrive and it's not healthy

This is causing you problems obviously. She must feel like she can't move, and as an adult you can't make her feel like that. My DS is 19 and autistic, my Mum tries to be like this with him and he is getting to the point of not wanting to speak to her. It's silly.

Maddy70 · 09/06/2023 07:55

The chances of her coming to any harm are virtually nil. BUT I also wouldn't like my daughter doing that.

She also won't listen. So compromise. Tell her she has to have Google maps on and share her journey with you when she is coming home so you are both reassured she's safe and on her way

cocksstrideintheevening · 09/06/2023 08:04

She lives with you so it just courtesy to let you know if she's going to be late.

If she moved out would you still expect texts? She's an adult.

Honeychickpea · 09/06/2023 08:06

Maddy70 · 09/06/2023 07:55

The chances of her coming to any harm are virtually nil. BUT I also wouldn't like my daughter doing that.

She also won't listen. So compromise. Tell her she has to have Google maps on and share her journey with you when she is coming home so you are both reassured she's safe and on her way

Ask her if, as an adult, she would be ok with enabling Google maps to ease your somewhat irrational anxiety. You don't tell an adult what to do, unless you want to push her into moving out.

Fisharejumping · 09/06/2023 08:15

Yanbu. The times that I have been travelling home very late in my car and seen young women walking alone. It really unnerves me. I want to stop and offer them a lift, but of course I am a stranger so don’t do that. I have seen young women who are totally pissed wandering about on their own. I get they have a right to the streets but it makes me so nervous. That said, I have found myself in some very dangerous situations and every single one was with people I was acquainted with in a domestic setting. Not with strangers on the street.

I hope your daughter will come to some arrangement with you to give you some peace of mind.

Maddy70 · 09/06/2023 10:29

Honeychickpea · 09/06/2023 08:06

Ask her if, as an adult, she would be ok with enabling Google maps to ease your somewhat irrational anxiety. You don't tell an adult what to do, unless you want to push her into moving out.

Show quote history

Oh please. It's not an unreasonable request for her to let her know she's on her way back and to share her journey with her mum. No one is forcing her to do this. I do this when I walk home. It gives me piece of mind

Paperbagsaremine · 09/06/2023 10:35

pilates · 09/06/2023 06:30

I’m amazed some of you think it’s not dangerous for a woman to walk home the early hours of the morning.

Very much depends where you are. Absolutely there are some really dodgy places but where I live (medium sized town in the south) I wouldn't worry about walking home at any time.
I'm assuming OP lives somewhere that can be a bit dodgy.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/06/2023 10:43

Of course it's unreasonable. If my mum had asked that of me as a 20yo I'd have thought she was stark raving bonkers.

She's a grown adult, not a teenager. If she wants to walk home alone that should be entirely her choice.

JanesBlond · 09/06/2023 10:46

Do you live in a particularly dangerous area or something? When I was 20 I lived in a different country to my parents and they didn’t get constant text updates on my movements.

Hbh17 · 09/06/2023 10:49

She's 20 - she wants some independence and makes her own choices. If she was living away from home you would have no idea what she was doing. You can't help being worried, but it seems unfair to have a go at her because of how you feel.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/06/2023 11:08

Of course it's unreasonable. If my mum had asked that of me as a 20yo I'd have thought she was stark raving bonkers.

She's a grown adult, not a teenager. If she wants to walk home alone that should be entirely her choice.

amylou8 · 09/06/2023 11:15

My daughter is 20. I (rightly) have no input into what she does, but I always know if she's home at night. She'll text me if she's staying out, or if plans change. Quite often I'll wake up to a message saying staying at xxx. If I was expecting her home and she didn't I'd be worried and check she was safe. I've never had to insist on this, she does it without being asked, and all the time she lives with me I would expect her to.

Heatherbell1978 · 09/06/2023 11:18

I agree that it's dangerous to walk home late at night but at 20 I had left home, travelled abroad alone and was doubtless doing lots of things that my mum didn't know about and would have disapproved of. I appreciate your child's different needs but there might be a balance to be had here as far as her age is concerned as she is an adult.

2Rebecca · 09/06/2023 11:19

Age 20 I was often getting the last tube home to uni accom from London on my own. She's an adult. It sound as though she needs to move out if you want to know her evening movements if she lives with you. If the texting is really important to you you could give her an ultimatum. If she wants to live in your house she sends texts or she moves out and can then do her own thing.

kelsaycobbles · 09/06/2023 11:40

Living is dangerous
If people were not so scared of walking around at night it would be much safer for all
I suspect that walking is safer than driving but it's about perception not actual risk

WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/06/2023 11:58

OP, what age to you feel she has to reach before you will respect her right to make her own decisions? If not 20 then when? 25? 30? Never? At some point you have to cut the apron strings. The "living under your roof" justification can't reasonably be used for everything and anything, especially things that aren't even happening under that roof.

Something else to think about. If you actually succeed in getting her to be compliant to any and all of your demands you will also have set her up as the perfect victim for controlling abusers. Is that really what you want for her? Back off and let her grow. Your anxiety is your problem to deal with.

peachescariad · 09/06/2023 11:59

No I don't think you're being at all UR.
I have a DD20 and DS22 living at home.
However, neither of them would ever walk home alone.
We have an agreement that if they're staying out/change of plans they message us. They are both totally fine with this.

CeliaNorth · 09/06/2023 12:29

A woman is probably more likely to be attacked in her own home by a man who is known to her than by a random stranger in the street.

mast0650 · 09/06/2023 12:33

She's old enough to make her own decisions. You might agree between you that she will text to say if she is going to home later than X o'clock (and if you make that agreement then she need to stick to it, for obvious reasons) but you'd be unreasonable to insist.

Whether or not it is reasonable for her to be walking home late or for you to be worried about it depends on whether you live in a dangerous area or not.

LadyJ2023 · 09/06/2023 12:35

I'm autistic and I would go nuts I'm still an adult entitled to do what I want. Yes tou can worry but she isn't a little girl anymore

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