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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

20 year old dd walking home late at night

67 replies

moggo · 09/06/2023 00:40

I've just had a row with dd. She has just arrived home and has walked home on her own. I didn't know she was going to be this late and she wouldn't reply to my texts or pick up the phone. I have asked her to let me know if she is going to be late but she won't. I've got work in the morning and I'm shattered. She is autistic and had a nervous breakdown in January so yes, I do worry. I don't think it's safe for her to be walking home this late and she doesn't understand. All I want is a text but she has just called me controlling. We've all been through hell and back in the last year so I do struggle with my own anxiety. Do you think I'm being unreasonable. Happy to hear it if I am indeed being controlling. Many thanks.

OP posts:

mast0650 · 09/06/2023 12:41

I'm somewhat more concerned about my kids (DS 19 and DD 20) driving home at night with a group of friends than walking home alone. Car accidents (especially involving young people) are more common than incidents befalling pedestrians. Having said that, I'm pretty relaxed about both and have never waited up for them. Pretty sure my daughter does a lot of travelling home alone after nights out clubbing in the German city where she is currently living, via a combination of public transport/cycling/walking. Mostly cycling at that time of night/morning I think.

Definitely not appropriate to row about it and blame her for your tiredness.

Frabbits · 09/06/2023 12:41

You can ask but you don't get to demand anything anymore, she's a grown adult and she gets to make her own choices, no matter what you think about them.

CheekyHusky · 09/06/2023 12:44

pilates · 09/06/2023 06:30

I’m amazed some of you think it’s not dangerous for a woman to walk home the early hours of the morning.

I do think it is dangerous.

I also think OP would be out of order to try to force an adult to change their behaviour to ease the anxiety of another adult.

Original poster

moggo · 09/06/2023 17:25

I've read through all your comments and appreciate the honesty. I am happy to admit that I went over the top last night and it wasn't the best. I feel quite horrified actually. However I don't think it's unreasonable for her to let me know if she is going to be late home. She won't share her location which I accept. Strangely I have an older dd who I don't worry about at all but she's very different and doesn't live at home.

She kept saying what will I do when she goes to Uni. That's different because she's not living with me so I wouldn't expect a text. I have blamed her for my anxiety and will apologise when I see her. I will now leave her alone to do what she wants. Although I will still ask for a text but that's it. She's out tonight so ...

I am struggling with my mental health due to the horrible year we've had and it's not her fault. I think I've watched too many true crime programmes which has skewed my thinking. I really appreciate your thoughts on this. It's so hard!

OP posts:

FourEyesGood · 09/06/2023 17:25

Unless it’s an especially long and dangerous route, YABU.

When I used to go home alone after being out with my friends, I much preferred walking to being a taxi. I don’t think I’ve ever felt really safe in a taxi driven by a man - I know this may be irrational, but it’s how I felt back in my youth and nothing much had changed.

Fisharejumping · 09/06/2023 18:32

amylou8 · 09/06/2023 11:15

My daughter is 20. I (rightly) have no input into what she does, but I always know if she's home at night. She'll text me if she's staying out, or if plans change. Quite often I'll wake up to a message saying staying at xxx. If I was expecting her home and she didn't I'd be worried and check she was safe. I've never had to insist on this, she does it without being asked, and all the time she lives with me I would expect her to.

Of course you would. It is normal behaviour. Some women on here carry on as though they would not be worried if their young daughters walk home alone in the early hours of the morning. I do not believe them.

tedgran · 09/06/2023 18:43

My 20 year old DGD1 is at university, recently went to see her and had an evening meal, she wanted to walk me back to my hotel, we compromised, she walked me halfway and then carried on to her house! If your daughter wasn't living with you would you want her to let you know every time she was out late?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/06/2023 18:50

I will now leave her alone to do what she wants. Although I will still ask for a text but that's it. She's out tonight so ...

Hmm - by doing this, you're still making her responsible for easing your anxiety though. Because you know you'll feel better if she texts.

However, the reality is you can't make her text you - and you can't enforce any consequences if she doesn't text because, well, she's an adult now, not a teenager.

GoalShooter · 09/06/2023 18:57

Sorry OP, I'm on the side of the people saying you need to give her independence. It's natural to worry, but the chances of anything happening to her are very low (assuming the area you live in isn't exceptionally dangerous).

Fisharejumping · 09/06/2023 19:33

You think things only happen in “dangerous” neighbourhoods? Sorry to have to tell you this but dangerous people have travel cards, cars and money that allows them to move between areas. Some of them even travel in police cars. I wish the world was safe for women too, but it ain’t. I could tell you stories but I do not want to scare you.

Stratocumulus · 09/06/2023 19:39

Remaker · 09/06/2023 01:24

Part of me thinks yes I would be worried too and want a text. But then I remember when I was 20 I lived in a different city to my parents and they had no idea what time I got home or how I got there.

Can you come to a compromise agreement where she will text when she’s going to be home ‘late’ just so you can relax and sleep? I think if she’s living with you and enjoying the comforts of home and family then some communication isn’t unreasonable.

This (as above) and …

leave a bedside light on in her room and the door(s) ajar. If you fall asleep after her text (which is good) and then stir in the early hours, if she’s home you will notice the light is off.

My daughter used to walk home after her shift finished close to midnight at around the same age, in a rural setting with footpaths through our village. I could never properly rest until her light was out but that worked for us.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 09/06/2023 19:41

Can she not have find my phone on her phone so you can check she’s ok?

Jagoda · 09/06/2023 19:44

I do get it OP, honestly I do, but you know and have accepted that you are probably being unreasonable.

The agreement I came to with my own young adult DC was this, and it may help you.

They absolutely promised me that if they ever feel unsafe, worried, anxious etc they will call me. Any time night or day. I can't explain why, but that really helped me to come to terms with my concerns about their personal safety. They were both living independently in one of London's most stabby areas, and I just had to trust them.

It's hard, but you can do it.

usernother · 09/06/2023 19:45

You can ask her to text but she's an adult and doesn't need to if she doesn't want to.

MathsNervous · 09/06/2023 20:06

I am in my 40s and wouldn't walk alone late at night. Each to their own 🤷

OP your worries are genuine and getting your DD to text next time would be considerate of her so others know whether to leave lights on at home or switch off TV etc. Just courtesy when living with other family members isn't it.

Original poster

moggo · 09/06/2023 21:02

@Whatkindofuckeryisthis she won't have her location on.

@Jagoda this is a good idea. Will talk to her about it.

I'm going to try to have a chat with her shortly. She seems ok today. I used to wander about at all times of the night when I was her kind of age but looking back there were various dodgy things that went on that I shrugged off. I just want her to be safe but I accept I have no control over it. It's definitely fears over her mental health that are behind it. Early in the year things were really bad.

OP posts:

CheekyHusky · 09/06/2023 21:40

Jagoda · 09/06/2023 19:44

I do get it OP, honestly I do, but you know and have accepted that you are probably being unreasonable.

The agreement I came to with my own young adult DC was this, and it may help you.

It's hard, but you can do it.

This is a lovely compromise, I’ll remember this for future use

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