To sometimes feel envious of the childfree

[TheAudie]

Now, I absolutely adore my son, and wouldn’t be without him. He was a very long awaited gift.

but sometimes, I feel a bit jealous of child free friends/colleagues/
family/ acquaintances.

just that I can see they get to do what they want: when they want.

they have much more disposable income.
they can go travelling.
they can invest more time in their careers, training

DS is now 6, and I’ve only recently started to feel like this. Just a bit tired, a bit less money than I’d like, and hardly any time alone with DH. Another weekend of play dates and taking DS to activities in front of me, when the idea of going to fancy restaurants and having a chilled weekend just feels sooo tempting

Very few parents don't feel like this from time to time. Ten years will fly by and you'll have free time again.

I think there is too much pressure on parents these days to hyperschedule free time. Whatever happened to just being?

(I'm childfree, I'm just basing this on observations of friends and family).

Let me tell you a secret...not all of us childfree have a great deal of money. Not all of us have 'careers' either. Many of us work in crap jobs and are as skint as the average parent.
You're obviously shattered though and in need of a rest. Is the division of household labour fair? Can DH do anything to lighten your load?
Remember that DS will continue to gain independence and it won't be long before he's taking himself round to a pal's house, going out on his bike etc. Perhaps you could encourage a sleepover arrangement in the next few years, you host the boys one month, the other parents host them the next?

Hang in there. Can your DS spent the night with grandparents or other friends so you and your DH can have a night out? Do you give each other time off on the weekend - eg DH takes DS to an activity or the park while you go for a walk, have a coffee, read a book, whatever?

And you are set through the hardest bit. From Year 2 activities and birthday parties are mostly drop off so you leave DS and get time to yourself, by age 8 or 9 there can be sleepovers with friends that give you a night off, etc.

And do you not sometimes look at these time rich, financially rich, carefree, well rested, well travelled, career driven people and think maybe some of them might give it all up in a heartbeat to have what you have?
Maybe ask one of these 'friends' with loads of time on their hands if they'd be willing to childmind now and then to give you a break to go for a fancy meal.

Of course you are not unreasonable. It's relentless and exhausting.

Just remember that if you didn't have your son, you would be missing having a child all the time and would be jealous of the parents you see.

Child free people rarely feel free unfortunately, they feel like they have a mortgage to pay, a job to go to, and a list of endless chores. Not many people make the most of their freedom after their 20s.

You can still go travelling, you can still train, it's not a better life, it's just a different one.

you are all right. Of course some of those that are childfree would love children (my son was long awaited). And of course most childfree still have many of the same burdens on their time.

i think I’ve just got “grass is on the greener side” problems today lol

Why would childfree people love to have children? They’ve chosen not to have them. If you mean childless people that’s really crass to discuss how jealous people who are infertile, struggling to achieve or childless through circumstance are have you having children.

It wasn't "people", it was "YOU the OP" - the one who currently has a child because presumably she wanted one, and she would miss if she didn't have.

Why is it crass to point out that as hard as it is to have a child, it doesn't mean life is always easier if you are child free, especially if it's not by choice. It's also true that you don't know how relentless it is to be a parent until you are one, even if you thought you knew.

Parents were all child-free once, they know what life was without a child. It's human to look back and miss some of the freedom you had then. It's just a different life. It's worth remembering that you gave up that child-free life for a reason, it wasn't enough for those parents and that's why they have a child now.

Same. We grew up with like one hobby, once or twice a week. Tbf we also walked by ourselves to schools from 6 and to hobbies unless it was dark.
I have friends who have kids and they just have non stop programmes. I do wonder when kids and them get downtime just to do nothing

It passes op, my kids are teenagers now and don’t notice I’m here. I could go out every night no problem. It passes!

Only sometimes? 😂

I feel the same sometimes. I'm very lucky to have 2 healthy and wonderful kids and a good marriage but sometimes I just want to be alone! No DH just me.
I have friends who are single without children who would give anything to have what I have.
I don't know - I feel like in the modern world we expect life to be perfect and when things are difficult we worry and feel that we have big problems. In previous centuries they realised that life was a bit shit! Many of your kids would die in infancy and you'd probably die of a horrible disease in middle age. I think we need to accept that life isn't always fun and pleasurable. A lot of it is hard quirk or boring or stressful.

You have one six year old. Come on! Yes it’s hard being selfless but it won’t be long before he’s grown up and doesn’t need you as much. It’s horrible to envy people who are childless not through choice. With one child you should be able to share him with your husband and have plenty of time to yourself.

From what I see around me as a childfree woman, many parents put a lot of the pressure on themselves. Letting a kid be bored sometimes and saying no should be okay.

You're not unreasonable to feel envious of anyone, that's a natural emotion to feel. But beware of the grass is greener thought pattern because you're projecting assumptions onto people's lives that probably aren't true.
I'm childless (as in, not by choice). I'd love to be off travelling the world, care free, having fun. Sadly, I don't get to do what I want, when I want. I have a full time job with a fixed amount of annual leave, and heaven forbid I should try to take some leave in the summer for a summer holiday or at Christmas because the parents I work with kick up a storm. I have elderly parents to support. I have a mortgage and bills to pay that fall entirely to me as I live alone and being childless don't qualify for any income supplements. I have hardly any disposable income for travel or career development once the essentials are paid. Most of the people senior to me at work are parents.

Find a good babysitter! Then you can do ALL of those things that you miss. It's a no brainer.

if only life was that easy 😂

DH is very hands on. I have a long commute twice a week (work from home the other days), so DH definitely pulls his weight.

I also have health issues which mean I’m in bed several times each month. So it gets more complicated as I miss time with DS, and also have to try and catch up on missed work (my workplace are very flexible: when I cannot work then I make the time up later)

im very fussy about babysitters due to abuse from a babysitter when I was a child. So the only people I’m happy babysitting DS is immediate family and a couple of close friends. But my parents are unable to help much (too far away and health reasons) DFIL does help when he can, but I don’t want to take the piss.

I don’t really talk about this IRL, as I feel guilty, and yes, I really wanted DS (we struggled with infertility for years). I know DH sometimes misses parts of our “old life”

just that I can see they get to do what they want: when they want.
they have much more disposable income
they can go travelling.
they can invest more time in their careers, training

@NBLarsen's post is much more the reality than the fantasy some people have about childfree people, I can assure you, OP.

I know DH sometimes misses parts of our “old life”

So what are his suggestions for getting those parts back? I echo the other people saying does DS HAVE to have all those activities?

You aren’t alone. I feel it too.

and it’s ok to feel grateful for the joy of having children but also be sad for your old life.

I echo the other people saying does DS HAVE to have all those activities?\

what's the alternative? It's often a lot easier for children to have outside activities and all the clubs, than to have to do everything yourself.

Added to the fact that the OP has an only child, which is lovely, but puts more pressure on parents to give them more of a social life.

Because cultures around children and parenting have changed (for the worst).
Before I had kids I thought I would not be taking them to many activities and they could just play with friends.
Now I have kids I realise they cannot just take themselves off to play with friends as (a) other parents would not just let their kids go out to play, like we used to and (B) their friends are out at bloody activities all the time anyway.

It absolutely sucks. Parenting is way more work for parents than it used to be whilst simultaneously childhood is way worse for kids. Its a minus sum gain. So much more work for a much worst result.

Arrange a two hour activity for child drop ds off go to fancy restaurant with dh
Get a baby sitter

Or wait til he gets older and you can lezve him home alone

@itshimright has it spot on. My parents never organised anything for us - it was go out with the neighbourhood kids or stay home and make your own entertainment. If I ever said I was bored it was "read a book". Not saying that was better but things have gone totally the other way now.