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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sometimes feel envious of the childfree

68 replies

TheAudie · 08/06/2023 23:36

Now, I absolutely adore my son, and wouldn’t be without him. He was a very long awaited gift.

but sometimes, I feel a bit jealous of child free friends/colleagues/
family/ acquaintances.

just that I can see they get to do what they want: when they want.

they have much more disposable income.
they can go travelling.
they can invest more time in their careers, training

DS is now 6, and I’ve only recently started to feel like this. Just a bit tired, a bit less money than I’d like, and hardly any time alone with DH. Another weekend of play dates and taking DS to activities in front of me, when the idea of going to fancy restaurants and having a chilled weekend just feels sooo tempting

OP posts:
itshimright · 09/06/2023 12:30

readbooksdrinktea · 09/06/2023 09:44

From what I see around me as a childfree woman, many parents put a lot of the pressure on themselves. Letting a kid be bored sometimes and saying no should be okay.

Show quote history

When we were bored as kids we could take ourselves off and out and do something about it. The culture has changed. Kids can't go and call on a friend and take themselves off and out. Their friend likely is not in and would not be allowed by parents to just go out anyway.
So its a lot harder for them to 'unbored' themselves in the limited space of their very familiar house.

Original poster
TheAudie · 09/06/2023 12:45

Actually, yeah, parenting was different when we were young. My mum was a sahm. We just played in the street with friends and cousins, so only occasionally did our parents take us to activities. And I had siblings who also kept me entertained

OP posts:
whyisitalwayswindy · 09/06/2023 12:56

@NBLarsen post nails it. Being childless or child free doesn't mean you get to swan round doing what you want when you want. Most people have to work, are limited by income, annual leave, other caring responsibilities such as elderly parents, health issues.

It's totally normal to feel envious of other people OP, we all have days (even weeks and months) of it. Don't feel bad for feeling as you do.

Lots of others have said it as well that parenting is very different these days and it's not easy to say "just go out and play with your friends".

Have a wallow about it today and then put it in a box tomorrow.

stayathomer · 09/06/2023 12:58

I think both has positives but agree you just sound like you need a bit of a break x

lastminutewednesday · 09/06/2023 12:59

Get divorced then you get the best of both worlds-every other weekend off Grin
(I'm joking of course)

deathbyhayfever · 09/06/2023 13:18

I hate the "back in the golden old days, you could just ignore a child and let them be bored so your life wasn't impacted".

Thank god parents are more involved and we are not in the old days.

Our children have lived through lockdowns, they had more than a lifetime of being bored.
It's not a chore to take your child to activities and cheer their sport or music or performance.
We have internet, tablets. Nothing stops you from reading a book, working, doing chores during the activities.

Let's not pretend the modern world is harder for parents. It's just a state of mind.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 09/06/2023 13:34

Ish. At 6 and with just the one child I think a good bet would be inviting a friend of your son's round for a playdate on the weekend or after school - they can entertain one another. And with any luck you get an invite back. Presumably parties , activities are more likely to be drop off too. And if funds allow you can book a holiday club or something and take a solo or shared day off with your other half.

I feel like you do, but I have a five year old and one year old twins! I'll be fucking dancing in the aisles by the time the younger ones are 5/6.

Thesunnymood · 09/06/2023 14:42

I am bit in a hump thay my chdhood is called "old days" 😂

Parents were involved @deathbyhayfever they just didn't run themselves(and us) down by ferrying us to 700 things.

Anotherparkingthread · 09/06/2023 14:56

whyisitalwayswindy · 09/06/2023 12:56

@NBLarsen post nails it. Being childless or child free doesn't mean you get to swan round doing what you want when you want. Most people have to work, are limited by income, annual leave, other caring responsibilities such as elderly parents, health issues.

It's totally normal to feel envious of other people OP, we all have days (even weeks and months) of it. Don't feel bad for feeling as you do.

Lots of others have said it as well that parenting is very different these days and it's not easy to say "just go out and play with your friends".

Have a wallow about it today and then put it in a box tomorrow.

This is going to sound gloaty but what the hell.

The people saying childfree individuals don't have much freedom are perhaps a bit naive. I'm childfree, I spent 10k on a hobby this year. I'm mortgage free. My partner bought a yacht. We do pretty much whatever we like whenever we like. We aren't high earners etc we are just financially literate and have had specific priorities in life. We have both travelled extensively and still manage to get away about 4 times a year. I wouldn't trade my freedom for anything it is great.

deathbyhayfever · 09/06/2023 15:04

people say that childfree don't necessarily have much freedom. Some people are frankly wasting their freedom and financial independence. They could do what the hell they want, they just don't.
Others are making the most of everything and good for them.

Having children doesn't mean you have no life either, but just that the children become the priority.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/06/2023 16:56

If I ever said I was bored it was "read a book"

Mine was either that or 'I've got some jobs you can do.'

readbooksdrinktea · 09/06/2023 22:32

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/06/2023 16:56

If I ever said I was bored it was "read a book"

Mine was either that or 'I've got some jobs you can do.'

Yes, this.

Ontheperiphery79 · 09/06/2023 22:41

I think we all experience envy at different points throughout our lives.

I've never envied childfree or childless individuals. It's just not how my brain works.

I think my envy has sometimes been towards friends with an partner/husband, as their lives seem so much 'easier'.

I also challenge those thoughts and the envy, as each family has their own trials and tribulations and things are not necessarily 'easier' in any given scenario.

I don't often gripe in RL, but I feel broken sometimes by the pressure of solo parenting twins with SEN with zero familial support and a bit of a twat of an ex, all whilst having chronic health/pain conditions and being at the bottom of the socioeconomic scale.

But, the above whinge is just a self-indulgent moment in time that we are all prone to and sometimes need. Life has enough pockets of beauty to make it worth putting one foot in front of the other.

StarDolphins · 09/06/2023 22:47

I wouldn’t say I’m envious but I can see it’s a good decision. I know quite a few child free people & dare I say it, they do seem far calmer & happier than the ones with children imo.

I didn’t want a child until I was 40 & now I have 1. I adore her but I also would’ve lived a happy & fulfilled life if I didn’t.

Armychefbethebest · 09/06/2023 22:50

Hang in there.... I had 4 under 10s at one point as well as us both working full time it was endless, the cleaning ,the school uniforms most weekends at kids parties. I only have 2 at home youngest is 14 then nearly 16. They really don't do much with us any more and I probably have more free time than I would like so pinch my granddaughter lol. There's a saying you will complain about the messy bedroom until one day it's an empty one xx

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 22:55

Can you meet up with friends some evenings/weekends? Dh will be fine with DS and I'm sure you'd do the same so he could see his friends, makes a world of difference to me. If you genuinely don't feel you can have anyone look after him, could you and DH book some annual leave or something at the same time and have a day out and nice lunch etc whilst he's at school? Appreciate that's not always easy.

I think whatever choices we make in life there's an alternate we ponder over.

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 23:04

I don't think being envious helps, but there are things you could do to try and address some of the issues you mention. You and DH definitely could do with time together as a couple it seems for a start so it's worth looking at how that can happen.

I feel overwhelmed sometimes but I don't feel envious of people who are childfree, I had that life before and actively chose this one, and although it's challenging personally I didn't find life before as idyllic as I often now fantasise about!

Frankbutchersfangs · 10/06/2023 10:45

Anotherparkingthread · 09/06/2023 14:56

This is going to sound gloaty but what the hell.

The people saying childfree individuals don't have much freedom are perhaps a bit naive. I'm childfree, I spent 10k on a hobby this year. I'm mortgage free. My partner bought a yacht. We do pretty much whatever we like whenever we like. We aren't high earners etc we are just financially literate and have had specific priorities in life. We have both travelled extensively and still manage to get away about 4 times a year. I wouldn't trade my freedom for anything it is great.

Show quote history

Yes it does sound gloaty and rather pointless to post to be honest.
How is this helping the OP? In addition, all it does is pit parents and childfree against each other 🙄
im childfree (never wanted any) but still limited by income, caring for elderly relatives, work etc. But I’m thankful for my good health and what I do have in life. The things we gain from our choices we lose in other ways, whichever path we choose. Only people that are unconfident about their choice need to gloat over others.

Anotherparkingthread · 10/06/2023 11:45

Frankbutchersfangs · 10/06/2023 10:45

Yes it does sound gloaty and rather pointless to post to be honest.
How is this helping the OP? In addition, all it does is pit parents and childfree against each other 🙄
im childfree (never wanted any) but still limited by income, caring for elderly relatives, work etc. But I’m thankful for my good health and what I do have in life. The things we gain from our choices we lose in other ways, whichever path we choose. Only people that are unconfident about their choice need to gloat over others.

Show quote history

I was literally pointing out that one of the comments was wrong and most childfree people I know are extremely happy and do have a lot offree time, myself included.
It seems this has really struck a nerve with you, I'm sorry things are crap for you right now I hope they get better.

SquashPenguin · 10/06/2023 11:50

I’m childless (not by choice) but I don’t have much money. I’ve spent £21k on ivf in the last two years. I’m working all my weekends to pay it off. I’d give anything for my life not to have turned out like this.

Letitrow · 10/06/2023 11:57

We are fortunate to have a reasonable amount of money left after bills, myself and my DH are lucky that we have a decent support network and so have time to ourselves- especially given my job I have a fair amount of time to myself as it were whilst knowing DS is safe and happy with people who love and care for him, and also time to go out with friends and as a couple. We have travelled the world pre DS and have lovely holidays and experiences as a family of 3 now; I wouldn't change it for the world.

Everyone's experiences are different though, the everyone who is child free has loads of money, freedom and time to do what they want is not the case across the board and neither is I'm a parent so I'm skint and never have any time to myself. Both of the tropes are fairly tedious.

Homeywomey · 10/06/2023 12:04

Mine are 1 and 5 and yes I was thinking this just today. I’m not envious of their child free ness per se, but am envious of being able to do what you like, when you like and having your time all to yourself, and money! We’d have so much more money. However, I have to remind myself I was in this situation throughout our 20’s and we did lie in everyday, do a lot of travelling, go to loads of gigs etc so I have had that life and hopefully will get it back in a few years. But realistically, as I’ve always wanted kids and now adore mine, if I was childfree now I would probably be bored, and unhappy as I’d be wanting children and seeing families all around me. Also so many of my friends I have now have been made through having children…so definitely the grass isn’t always greener. I am jealous of the free time they have though..

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/06/2023 12:06

Instead of being envious, why not look at what you can do to make those things happen?

You don't have to fill every single weekend with activities and playdates for DS.

Beezknees · 10/06/2023 12:07

It goes by quicker than you think honestly. I felt like this sometimes when DS was younger. Now he's 15, doesn't want to hang out with me any more and I miss it!

Homeywomey · 10/06/2023 12:07

@Letitrow i agree that I had that life for 13 of my adult years and had the same unhappinesses, stresses etc as I have now, and was in fact probably unhappier through my 20’s than I am now in my 30’s with kids. So I am envious but unsure why?! Grass is always greener!