Page 3 | To sometimes feel envious of the childfree

continentallentil · 10/06/2023 12:08

Whenwillitallmakesense · 08/06/2023 23:58

And do you not sometimes look at these time rich, financially rich, carefree, well rested, well travelled, career driven people and think maybe some of them might give it all up in a heartbeat to have what you have?
Maybe ask one of these 'friends' with loads of time on their hands if they'd be willing to childmind now and then to give you a break to go for a fancy meal.

Erm, I think a lot of them wouldn’t no, they aren’t secretly weeping into their avo toast wishing they were wiping rice crispies off someone.

However I agree OP needs a break - and also just schedule less stuff OP. Is your partner doing half?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/06/2023 12:11

Whenwillitallmakesense · 08/06/2023 23:58

And do you not sometimes look at these time rich, financially rich, carefree, well rested, well travelled, career driven people and think maybe some of them might give it all up in a heartbeat to have what you have?
Maybe ask one of these 'friends' with loads of time on their hands if they'd be willing to childmind now and then to give you a break to go for a fancy meal.

Why would you think that?

I'm childfree by choice and no way would I want to babysit for anyone, sorry

Whenwillitallmakesense · 10/06/2023 12:28

I'm not saying every child free person desperately want children but there are also people out there who would swap all the advantages OP listed for the chance to have children.

@continentallentil @coffeecupsandwaxmelts please don't twist my words by trying to intimate I said ALL people want kids. I think you'll find my post said SOME of them.

Frankbutchersfangs · 10/06/2023 13:48

Anotherparkingthread · 10/06/2023 11:45

I was literally pointing out that one of the comments was wrong and most childfree people I know are extremely happy and do have a lot offree time, myself included.
It seems this has really struck a nerve with you, I'm sorry things are crap for you right now I hope they get better.

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No, on the contrary, things are good for me - I have lots of good friends, a lovely DH, lovely home in a nice location and a loving a supportive family. I just don’t like seeing posts like yours because, as I said, it causes bitterness and conflict between people who choose different life paths to each other. I feel equally the same about people who post on here gloating about how wonderful it is to have kids when a childfree person is down about their lot - it’s just not helpful and comes across as spiteful, that’s all 🤷‍♀️

Gowlett · 10/06/2023 13:53

I had my son late in life. I feel like I’ve had the best of both worlds. Had a great time before I got married. And before I had a baby. It was the right timing for me. I don’t wish I’d had him younger.

Although I do think that there is misconception about child free folk having 24 hour fun. Often they are at home just watching Corrie! Parents know how precious free time is, and use it.

Gowlett · 10/06/2023 13:56

Also, that last statement came out a bit wrong! Of course child free folk use their time. I did. I mean that I now realise how lucky I am to have both lifestyles. If that makes sense?

Macaboom · 10/06/2023 14:37

when the idea of going to fancy restaurants and having a chilled weekend just feels sooo tempting

You could do this though. If you're unhappy then the set up you have isn't working, find ways to address it. I know you don't trust babysitters which is your perogative, but do you have any trusted family? Friends? Would you be willing to go through an agency for childcare of whom the people need to be fully checked and traine etc? Me and DH have an amazing DD, we both adore her but we also carve out time for ourselves and to be us too. Sometimes this is making an effort to do a nice meal when she's asleep, other times its going out for dinner etc. Also important to make time to see friends I think, I do a club once a week in the evening and see friends regularly; DH is fine keeping things ticking over at home, and of course I do the same if he wants to go out.

If the amount of actitvies is overwhelming then it possibly is for him too, why not ask what he truly wants to carry on doing and then go from there? We've have a chilled weekend planned, DD has a sports club first thing Saturday but we then went for a mooch around the garden centre and had some lunch, back home now relaxing in the sun and will have dinner outside together in the garden later. Once she's asleep we have chosen a film we want to watch and will snuggle on the sofa, tomorrow we are off paddle boarding (weather permitting)- something me and DH have always loved doing and as we have taken DD since she was little she enjoys it now too.

I don't think it's unreasonable to reminisce and contemplate how life would be x, y or z if you didn't have children, but it's impossible to know in reality how things would be. Probably the same as before children, possibly different, but we make our choices and have to work with them.

Amyanonymous1 · 05/08/2023 16:36

I just recently had a baby and I’m finding it hard to feel anything but sadness and exhaustion. I am absolutely overwhelmed with anxiety about breastfeeding as at the start my bay had tongue tie which was fixed but at that point I’d gotten used to pumping so I’ve been pumping and feeding him in a bottle. It’s been almost a month and I’m so exhausted I just want to switch to formula but I have such guilt and an finding it hard to find any advice online that doesn’t sound like it’s sort of pushing for me to continue with the breast milk or try to breastfeed. I don’t know what to do and I need advice: help!

Mariposa26 · 05/08/2023 17:10

Amyanonymous1 · 05/08/2023 16:36

I just recently had a baby and I’m finding it hard to feel anything but sadness and exhaustion. I am absolutely overwhelmed with anxiety about breastfeeding as at the start my bay had tongue tie which was fixed but at that point I’d gotten used to pumping so I’ve been pumping and feeding him in a bottle. It’s been almost a month and I’m so exhausted I just want to switch to formula but I have such guilt and an finding it hard to find any advice online that doesn’t sound like it’s sort of pushing for me to continue with the breast milk or try to breastfeed. I don’t know what to do and I need advice: help!

Hello, I think you may have posted here accidentally rather than starting your own thread. Just wanted to say I felt exactly the same as you, was also pumping because of tongue tie and felt horrendous guilt around giving up pumping and breastfeeding. My baby started refusing the breast at 10 weeks and I made the decision just to switch to formula and it has improved my mental health so much. Now at 18 weeks the guilt I felt has completely lifted - I really, really tried to breastfeed her, and she is still thriving and very happy. Do what is right for you both and don’t listen to other people’s thoughts. It’s so important to your baby that you are happy too.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 05/08/2023 17:50

NBLarsen · 09/06/2023 09:44

You're not unreasonable to feel envious of anyone, that's a natural emotion to feel. But beware of the grass is greener thought pattern because you're projecting assumptions onto people's lives that probably aren't true.
I'm childless (as in, not by choice). I'd love to be off travelling the world, care free, having fun. Sadly, I don't get to do what I want, when I want. I have a full time job with a fixed amount of annual leave, and heaven forbid I should try to take some leave in the summer for a summer holiday or at Christmas because the parents I work with kick up a storm. I have elderly parents to support. I have a mortgage and bills to pay that fall entirely to me as I live alone and being childless don't qualify for any income supplements. I have hardly any disposable income for travel or career development once the essentials are paid. Most of the people senior to me at work are parents.

This with bells on.

I do feel fortunate to be childfree, don’t get me wrong, but that’s because I don’t want to live with a child and so I’m happy that I don’t. Not because I’m rich and carefree.

Annalisatheantelope · 05/08/2023 18:07

The childfree don't all have amazing careers, lots of travel and holidays. I have none of those. We all make out choices and not one is perfect or without it's downsides.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/08/2023 18:38

As someone whose childfree, thank you for the envy, but I don't think you really want to magic your DC away! You've had all the excitement of the baby, walking and talking, going to school etc and now your life is a bit more settled you're feeling a bit flat, maybe it's time to look for a bit more life for you as a woman rather than a DM? If there's something you;d like to do for you then now's the time to try and make it happen, you can still be a good parent whilst having something just for you

TarquinOliverNimrod · 05/08/2023 18:55

Anotherparkingthread · 09/06/2023 14:56

This is going to sound gloaty but what the hell.

The people saying childfree individuals don't have much freedom are perhaps a bit naive. I'm childfree, I spent 10k on a hobby this year. I'm mortgage free. My partner bought a yacht. We do pretty much whatever we like whenever we like. We aren't high earners etc we are just financially literate and have had specific priorities in life. We have both travelled extensively and still manage to get away about 4 times a year. I wouldn't trade my freedom for anything it is great.

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You posted solely to gloat and be provocative. Pretty sad that you felt the need to do that to a stranger, someone who was reaching out for some support.

Which leads me to ponder that your life isn’t quite as good as you claim, and that you are not as comfortable about your childless status as you assert. A happy person doesn’t feel the need to gloat.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 05/08/2023 19:13

No, OP, I don’t feel that way at all, I absolutely love being a mother to my son but we are fortunate enough to not have money worries. I think it would be a different story if we were struggling financially.

We had our son quite late in life as we were both cautious about giving up our ‘freedom’. Before having our son, DH and travelled and partied, a lot!! So much that we got partied out, and bored of hotels and flying. We knew we wanted to be a family once we got to a certain point in our lives but certainly had a lot of reservations.. but it’s been an incredible experience and we haven’t looked back. We never hanker for our ‘old’ life, we are too busy enjoying this one!

Having access to plenty of cash and material things is nice but ultimately for us, we could never have found this level of fulfilment if we hadn’t had our son.

Anotherparkingthread · 05/08/2023 19:28

TarquinOliverNimrod · 05/08/2023 18:55

You posted solely to gloat and be provocative. Pretty sad that you felt the need to do that to a stranger, someone who was reaching out for some support.

Which leads me to ponder that your life isn’t quite as good as you claim, and that you are not as comfortable about your childless status as you assert. A happy person doesn’t feel the need to gloat.

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I love not having kids. I had myself surgically sterilised 10 years ago because I dislike children that much!

I was just pointing out that my life is really good and that not having children has enabled me to do everything I've ever wanted to do. If you need to pretend my life is unhappy to make yourself feel better then I'm cool with that because I know some people need that in order to feel better about their choices so speculate away.

glitterplant · 05/08/2023 19:51

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Amyanonymous1 · 05/08/2023 23:40

Ooops. Thank you so much. That’s what I’ve been needing to hear so much. I know deep down what I need to do but the pressure from others has felt so hard to ignore. I really appreciate your comment.

Frankbutchersfangs · 06/08/2023 10:30

Anotherparkingthread · 05/08/2023 19:28

I love not having kids. I had myself surgically sterilised 10 years ago because I dislike children that much!

I was just pointing out that my life is really good and that not having children has enabled me to do everything I've ever wanted to do. If you need to pretend my life is unhappy to make yourself feel better then I'm cool with that because I know some people need that in order to feel better about their choices so speculate away.

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Yeah but you’re missing the point - why do you need to “point out” that your life is really good to someone who has reached out because they are feeling down? If someone felt down because they didn’t have kids can you imagine the uproar if someone pointed out how great life was as a family? As I said in my previous post it just pits women with different lifestyle choices against each other.