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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum said I’m letting my toddler son down, feeling like a failure

61 replies

Chronicfailure · 08/06/2023 19:38

Always had a difficult relationship with my mum. Constantly having my parenting picked at, telling me what to do with my son, and at every opportunity in front of others takes him from me to show everyone how much he ‘loves his favourite granny’. Learned to roll my eyes because I’m so used to it and every time I’ve spoken up about it it’s ended in tears.

My son is autistic with delayed development and completely non-verbal. Tomorrow we are meant to be going to our first play session for children with additional needs. I’ve been so excited for it all week and really want to go. My mum asked to come with me and I said yes.

I have inflammatory bowel disease and have been incredibly unwell today, on the toilet since the early hours of the morning and I’m at the point where I’m bleeding and slightly prolapsing which is hurting to sit down. (Sorry for TMI).

Ive texted to ask if we can start with next week’s session instead, and she has accused me of being lazy, lying, and said that she is going to take him. I said no, this is really important to me that I am there with him (I just really want to do this with him, and have this with him) and I’m now receiving messages saying I am letting him down and that I should allow her to take him alone.

I just feel shit. I’m going to suck it up and try my best to go tomorrow. They are weekly sessions that you can just turn up to, three times a week.

I am constantly being made to feel like a failure. He is my entire world and I don’t want to let him down. I’m just feeling really unwell.

Am I being selfish? I’m feeling so awful about it. Currently crying as I type. Sorry for the long post

OP posts:
Mull · 08/06/2023 19:43

Oh I hear you - my own ‘D’M gave me a letter when DS was about 15mths old which said I was casting a shadow over his young life. Looking back I was very, very low and not coping at all. She kicked me when I was down rather than supporting.

I can’t say anything to help but wanted to reply and say you aren’t alone. You are doing the best you can, just keep reminding yourself of that.

BCBird · 08/06/2023 19:44

Sorry OP but she is a madam. U should not allow her to.make you feel like this. If you are not well enough to take him and u want to be there then he goes the following week. Call her out every time. Either she talks nicely to u or she is not welcome. End of. Hope u start feeling better soon.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/06/2023 19:47

Take no notice of your mum.

she’s giving parenting “advice” in a completely unkind and toxic manner - the irony is insane.

don’t ask her if you can start next week, TELL her that you’re starting this week and don’t get into a dialogue about it.

if you’re poorly, you’re poorly, and it sounds painful. Hope you feel better soon.

MidsummerNightsDream · 08/06/2023 19:48

Tell her what’s happening and sign off. Do not respond to any further messages. You are the boss of you and your dc, not her.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/06/2023 19:49

I also wouldn’t have her come to future sessions either as it sounds like she’ll be critical.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/06/2023 19:49

YANBU. Go next week and don’t invite your mother.

aloris · 08/06/2023 19:50

I think if she takes him the first time, she will probably taint your relationships with the other people there by putting you down in your absence. So I think you probably shouldn't let that happen.

In addition, at your first session, you are likely to get the most interest from the other people there as they observe how you interact, ask questions to get to know you, and you can also ask questions as you see how they interact. I imagine that will fade away a bit in subsequent sessions as you become less of a novelty. So I think you definitely want to be present for the first few sessions at least.

Since you have IBD, you might consider allowing your mum to take him to other sessions once you've gotten to know the people there. But, your mum sounds like she may be a bit toxic and even "anti-supportive" (is that a thing? I just invented it but I think it fits) and maybe it's better for you to see if you can do with less contact with her and find other sources of support. Is that a possibility for you?

JC89 · 08/06/2023 19:50

You really won't be letting your son down, he won't know he's missed a week! And he will probably feel more comfortable with you there, especially for something new. Wait until you're well enough to participate fully, your health is important too - it's not like you're never going to take him!

MonkeyPuddle · 08/06/2023 19:54

Jesus bloody wept, your mums a piece of work!
my daughter has rectal prolapses and it’s bloody horrid and that’s without the IBD.
Your mum needs to shove her cruel and wrong opinions up her arse!

thaegumathteth · 08/06/2023 19:57

If it's 3 times a week could you go one day next week and not tell her? My own mum can be vv critical. It's hard but I've learnt just to do my own thing and keep info she has minimal, she doesn't live nearby though.

Fwiw when my kids were toddlers my mum would tell me all the things I was doing wrong and how she never did XYZ but not she still does that but my kids are pre teen / teen and I can vividly remember her parenting mistakes and failures and know she is rewriting history. It's quite fascinating actually.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 08/06/2023 19:57

Tell your mum that you've invited her as a courtesy because you know she would like to go, but that you don't need her there and if she's going to be unpleasant then you don't want her there. This is an activity for you and your son and she is an optional extra but to be very very clear, decisions on attendance sit with you and she needs to keep her opinions to herself.

thaegumathteth · 08/06/2023 19:58

*now

anon666 · 08/06/2023 20:00

Your DM is the problem not you.

You have health issues yourself and you are caring for a high need child.

You need every bit of support and compassion you can get, not judgement and criticism.

💐

nutbrownhare15 · 08/06/2023 20:01

It may be worth engaging with resources for the children of narcissistic parents to see if that resonates for you, e.g. the Out of the Fog website

Outofthepark · 08/06/2023 20:05

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/06/2023 19:49

I also wouldn’t have her come to future sessions either as it sounds like she’ll be critical.

I'd go one further OP and consider permanently going low or no contact with her. She's a nasty person, jealous and very bad for your mental health. No normal person says the things that she says to you, or shows the breathtaking lack of empathy that she does. She sounds like she's lashing out at you.

You on the other hand sound like a wonderful mum to a wonderful child, with enough on your plate with your IBS and the challenges of autism. That's more than enough without factoring in the nastiness of your own mother. Don't let her ruin your very special time with your toddler.

LaMaG · 08/06/2023 20:06

OP that's so hard. Definitely agree with other PPs you should go alone, the whole purpose of this is to meet other parents and exchange tips and maybe share your troubles. If your mum is there she will stress you out and either criticise you or just distract you from talking to others. Raising a SEN child is tough going, your mother never went through that so cant fully relate and it is so ironic as she is letting you down while accusing you of this. Maybe tell her she can go with him on the 3rd or 4th week once he is used to it so she won't be so put out.
Oh and change your username - you are NOT a failure!! Hope you feel better soon

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 08/06/2023 20:09

Think about does your ds need a dm with great mental health and well being or a daft granny who needs to stfu!
Seeing less of her and being more you will be a great plan imo. I have been nc with my dm for best part of 20 years when I realised I wasn't accepting her criticism any more or letting her treat my dc similarly

..be less available op.

Katieandthekids · 08/06/2023 20:10

Your kid will not be affected by going to this a week later. She's being horrible.

FictionalCharacter · 08/06/2023 20:10

Definitely take him alone. If she goes with you she’ll have a new opportunity to bully you, which seems to be her mission in life. She’s absolutely awful. Please don’t let her destroy your confidence any further.

Katieandthekids · 08/06/2023 20:10

And take him without her

ApplePlantagenet · 08/06/2023 20:10

He is your son. You should go with him the first time. I'd be tempted to tell her that as a parent she is letting you down by not being supportive. Do not allow her to put you down.

justasmalltownmum · 08/06/2023 20:11

Tell her she is uninvited.

BowiesJumper · 08/06/2023 20:11

Deffo go without her (when better)!! It might be a bit overwhelming to have two adults with him anyway.

hope you feel better soon.

GazeboLantern · 08/06/2023 20:11

The only person who is letting your ds down is his grandma.

IBD flare ups can be triggered by stress. What is a constant source of stress in your life? Who goes out of their way to ensure that you feel stressed?

Tinkerbyebye · 08/06/2023 20:13

Tell your mum you are not going, she can’t take him

but you actually take him if you can. I fully sympathise with IBD it’s a nasty thing to have and you simply can’t control episode.

and I wouldn’t let her go any other time either

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