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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum said I’m letting my toddler son down, feeling like a failure

61 replies

Chronicfailure · 08/06/2023 19:38

Always had a difficult relationship with my mum. Constantly having my parenting picked at, telling me what to do with my son, and at every opportunity in front of others takes him from me to show everyone how much he ‘loves his favourite granny’. Learned to roll my eyes because I’m so used to it and every time I’ve spoken up about it it’s ended in tears.

My son is autistic with delayed development and completely non-verbal. Tomorrow we are meant to be going to our first play session for children with additional needs. I’ve been so excited for it all week and really want to go. My mum asked to come with me and I said yes.

I have inflammatory bowel disease and have been incredibly unwell today, on the toilet since the early hours of the morning and I’m at the point where I’m bleeding and slightly prolapsing which is hurting to sit down. (Sorry for TMI).

Ive texted to ask if we can start with next week’s session instead, and she has accused me of being lazy, lying, and said that she is going to take him. I said no, this is really important to me that I am there with him (I just really want to do this with him, and have this with him) and I’m now receiving messages saying I am letting him down and that I should allow her to take him alone.

I just feel shit. I’m going to suck it up and try my best to go tomorrow. They are weekly sessions that you can just turn up to, three times a week.

I am constantly being made to feel like a failure. He is my entire world and I don’t want to let him down. I’m just feeling really unwell.

Am I being selfish? I’m feeling so awful about it. Currently crying as I type. Sorry for the long post

OP posts:
TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 08/06/2023 20:14

No. I am his mother, not you. I am tired of your constant negativity and emotional blackmail - please stop, because I don't want to hear any more of it.

Then mute her.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 08/06/2023 20:15

Tentatively asking are you a single parent op? Seems like your dm is trying to insert herself as your ds's other parent. She need boundaries imo.

Workawayxx · 08/06/2023 20:15

She’s talking absolute shit. It sounds like any stick to beat you with. Definitely don’t go tomorrow (hope you feel better soon) and uninvited your mum from future sessions. You are your DS’s mum and you decide what is right for him and you.

PimpMyFridge · 08/06/2023 20:16

It will make no difference to him if you go next week instead. Her words and criticisms are incredibly unfair and cruel.
I can't imagine saying anything like that to my DD ever.
The group could be a great chance to meet other mums and potentially a fab source of support, it would be great if your DM wasnot there as from your description it wouldn't be surprising if she undermined you, you want to relax and make your first impression as yourself.
Your ds has a fab mum who is finding opportunities for him to live s good life and develop to his full potential of course you aren't selfish or letting him down. 💐

Bluetrews25 · 08/06/2023 20:18

Oh love, you are doing a great job.
Are you at all stressed about going tomorrow? Echoing Gazebo, up above, stress may have set you off on this flare up.
Is there any chance it will settle by tomorrow?
Either way, go when you feel ready.
Leave the rubbish at home (you know who I mean) - the organisers just told you only one carer now, haven't they?
If she has a key to your door, get it back.
You are the mum, not her, you make the choices, not her.
Seriously, you've got this.

mayorofcasterbridge · 08/06/2023 20:18

Your mother is an idiot. She's talking out of her backside!

Stop telling her anything about what you are doing with your child.

daretodenim · 08/06/2023 20:21

I can count in one hand the number of times I've called someone this: she's a bitch.

She has a daughter with an additional needs child and an awful illness and she's being cruel to her, stressing her out (which at the very least doesn't help reduce symptoms, but likely increases them).

OP your little boy needs his mum and in the best possible health she can be (which doesn't mean perfect). He will be fine not going tomorrow. Totally fine.

Mute her messages if you can't block her and just have a quiet day with him. Next week tell her it's not happening and go by yourself. You deserve to meet other parents who are in a similar parenting boat to you. There is absolutely no need for grannie to be there too!

And if you're I'll next week, don't stress. It's ok. He can go another time.

The only mother letting their child down here is her.

TurkeyLurkey4 · 08/06/2023 20:24

I’m so sorry OP. Your mum sounds toxic, interfering and overly critical.

YANBU for not going when you’re unwell. It’s completely beyond your control. Imagine what you would say to your son if he had to miss an activity that he had been looking forward to, for a reason that was beyond his control. From the way you speak about him, I hazard a guess that you would be encouraging, compassionate and understanding.

this is how your own mum should be with you. The stress caused by your mum will only make your IBS worse. If you can, I would consider seeking some kind of therapy to help you cope with your mother’s overbearing and negative presence in your life and to help you set firm boundaries with her.

I hope you feel better soon and enjoy taking your son to this activity as soon as you’re able to 💐.

MintJulia · 08/06/2023 20:24

Tell her she is not the parent, it is not her call and she needs to butt out, and then block her.

No one needs that kind of 'help'.

jannier · 08/06/2023 20:27

Id say I've decided I want to go on my own thank you for your concern. If it's 3 times a week a few more days won't hurt.

littleripper · 08/06/2023 20:34

There is a shit mum in your family, but it is not you!

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 08/06/2023 20:41

You are a wonderful mum who obviously cares so much. Coping with IBD is no joke and you are doing your very best. You aren’t letting your son down, you are there for him and he knows you love him and you’ll go to the play session when you’re better. I’m sorry your mum isn’t being supportive. You might want to step back from seeing her so much as she shouldn’t be making you feel bad.

Valhalla17 · 08/06/2023 20:42

If you’re unwell then its probably best she take him herself so you can rest. It's important he go, it's not really about "you" and having something with him. You can be there at the following and future sessions surely?

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 08/06/2023 20:44

I'd be revoking her invitation of coming at all tbh.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 08/06/2023 20:45

He is your son not hers.

TheodoreMortlock · 08/06/2023 20:48

No, you're not letting him down, he doesn't know it's even on.

I don't know what sort of sessions these are but when my child was on the pathway we were referred to a series of play sessions for pre-school children with SEN and they were fantastic. It was really more for the parents than the children - they taught us lots of stuff, some I already knew, some I didn't. If it's like the one that I did with my child then it's not like an ordinary playgroup where it's about the children playing and the mums just hover or drink tea, it's active learning for the parents, so it wouldn't be appropriate for your mum to take him.

saraclara · 08/06/2023 20:51

Please go on your own with your son for at least the first few sessions. It's important that you're free to interact and share your situation with other parents and the leaders of the group, without your mum interrupting or interfering.

Once you're established and confident in the group, you can consider inviting her to a session, but really it's not normal, nor is it advisable, to take your mum with you when you join a new group.

AConstantGreyInTheClouds · 08/06/2023 20:51

You are not letting your son down. You are not a failure.

Your mother is letting you down. I would say she is a failure as a parent to make you feel so bad about yourself. A loving mother would be concerned for your health and want to encourage you in all you do, not make you feel rubbish.

You are your sons parent, you make the decisions. Don’t doubt yourself!

I hope you’re feeling better soon.

Followill · 08/06/2023 20:56

Next time your mum criticises you, remind her that you are the outcome of her own parenting.

AllOfThemWitches · 08/06/2023 21:00

Life's too short to listen to other people's bollocks. The likelihood is, you'll hear a lot of it in relation to your autistic child.

MrsLilaAmes · 08/06/2023 21:32

Valhalla17 · 08/06/2023 20:42

If you’re unwell then its probably best she take him herself so you can rest. It's important he go, it's not really about "you" and having something with him. You can be there at the following and future sessions surely?

If it’s a weekly, Ongoing, drop in and out sort of thing I think it would be best for OP and her DS to go together, on a good day, the first time. These type of play sessions actually are as much about support and community-building for the parents, and an opportunity to learn and/or practise therapeutic and parenting techniques for everyday life, as they are about benefit to the child during that particular session. Starting right is worthwhile- the OP doesn’t need the extra stress of being on the back foot.

However, if they are a limited, invitation-only six week block of play therapy or communication interventions or what have you then yes it probably would be important not to miss any as they are so scarce and those sort of sessions build on one another. But that doesn’t sound like what the OP was describing.

Irked · 08/06/2023 22:07

Sorry to hear you are so ill, OP. I hope you feel better tomorrow, but if you're not feeling 100%, please don't feel pressured to drag yourself there. Rest! Recover!

What are you hoping to get out of the session? Is it for your son to play or for you to meet people in the same boat? I feel like these sessions are really more for parents of children with additional needs to meet, chat, bond and form support networks with one another. Do you think you will have the strength, energy or inclination to strike up conversations with strangers if you are feeling like crap?

Do you think you will make new connections/networks if you are there with your mum or would it be easier to make small talk by yourself? Worth thinking about what you want from the session and whether a second adult there is conducive to achieving that.

Fwiw, your son won't know what you are planning to do tomorrow so he's not going to be feeling "let down" if you don't go.

Mum2jenny · 08/06/2023 22:16

Disengage from your mum, it is your decision to engage or not with any support systems for your dc. I’d be telling your mum no further info as she doesn’t deserve it

kerrycgeorgie · 08/06/2023 22:24

Do you think you can be yourself with your mum there? Do you think you might be able to interact more freely with other parents without her?
Even without the issues at hand here with your mum, I think you will get so much more out of the group going on your own. You never know, this could be the start of a support network that you deserve x

notforonesecond · 20/07/2023 11:52

Take him without her when you feel well enough.

Tell her she’s your mother, not his, and she’s letting you down with her lack of support.

You sound ground down by it all. You’re not letting him down. You don’t have to listen to her or do what she says. Break free.

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