Should DP and I have different or same fun money allowance after bills?

[ShouldIbeLeftWithLess]

DP wants to have £100-150 more fun money than me a month. His reason being because he works full time.

I work part time in a local school allowing me to take DC to and from school etc. and so we don't have to spend on holiday clubs throughout the year.

This was a decision we both agreed.

I feel like he is devaluing my role in this household.

He feels like he works a lot harder and this should be shown financially.

YANBU - it should be equal
YABU - he should have more

After this conversation coming up repeatedly and him never seeing my point, I'm just wondering if my feelings are even valid at this stage.

Let him have the extra money then bill him for his half of the childcare.

Of course your feelings are valid.

He wants the benefits of you working pt but doesn’t think you make an equal contribution to the family.

Rude.

I work FT, DH works PT, we have equal fun money.

Find out how much an hour your local childcare facility charges, bill him for that, and see how much fun money he’s got left over without all the unpaid labour you do to enable him trot off to work everyday without any kids in tow?

We have a similar set up but have always had the same amount of fun money. I'd be furious if DH suggested that he deserves more than me 😮

Marriage and raising kids should be teamwork.

We are in a similar position although I work all year PT. Same surplus.

You are equals. So it should be equal. It's not rocket science.
He's just self centred

Go back to work full-time.

He's a twat.

You said here that he feels that he works a lot harder. Is he right? If not (as I suspect) then he is very clearly devaluing your role: he is literally telling you that he feels it's worth less. So, does he want you to go back to work? Maybe you need to write him a list of the things he will need to add to his load if you do.

Absolutely not. It should all be equal. He can jog on 🤣

We don't split it. We just both use the joint account. No idea who spends more than the other.

I work FT, DH works not at all.

We have equal fun money. Otherwise what is the point of being in a relationship?

'OK DH, I'll go back full time. How will you organise your half of drop offs, pick ups and holidays?'

He sees you as worth less than him.
He sees the children as inconsequential.

In his head, you taking care of the family is simply women’s work and doesn’t count. Your career sacrifice means nothing because you’re a woman so of course you should sad for the family. None of that is worth anything. It certainly isn’t worth an even amount of money because, by raising the children, you aren’t actually deserving of an even amount of money.

He is the big man with the big job and that’s all that matters and of course, he is more important.

Genuinely OP, a man with an attitude like that is a man you divorce. He isn’t the man you spend your life with.

What a tightwad!

In this house, DH works FT. I'm PT. Everything goes into one account and we spend what we want out of it. I spend more money than he does (on myself) and there have been times in the past where I spent more per month on myself than I earned.

Just calmly explain that if you weren't PT, you'd end up paying more than the 150 a month for after school childcare

It’s not great.

But honestly, you say DP and not DH, so there’s no real right to a concept of shared money/assets. I don’t expect every relationship prior to marriage to be one of exacting financial equality. Is marriage on the cards?

Haha yes say this

I earn significantly more money than DH and have a tougher job. We still have equal fun money. He picks up some slack in household stuff.

If your DH lost his job, or was unable to work for health reasons, would he be happy with no fun money? You could bill him for 50% of the earnings you have sacrificed to save joint childcare costs. Or start looking for a full-time role and let him know he'll need to do 50% of pick ups and drop offs. Not to mention sick days and other ad hoc school closures.

Have a look at the ‘fair play’ system - it focuses on equal time but would apply
to money also. It may help him to better value your contribution to the family

I'm a SAHM but ever since we married we've always allocated each of us the same amount of fun money per month. It was never a question.

Maaaybe I could see justification to do it if your partner worked really long, antisocial hours in an objectively harder job. Maybe. But presumably you take on more of the childcare or housework if you're working part time, so you're doing the equivalent to a full time normal job.

I would be furious about this. You are providing A LOT of free childcare that he is benefiting from and probably shouldering a lot of the mental load.

Are you not married to this man? If you are not, then you are putting yourself at a real economic disadvantage. You are earning less, paying less into a pension and putting yourself in a very vulnerable position.

I don’t work. Dh works full time. I am disabled and care for Ds who is also disabled - different types of disabilities. Dh and I have exactly the same spending money.

Do the thought experiment where you go back to full time earning whatever you did pre-kids, but you have to pay for wrap around and holiday childcare. Is the family better or worse off? You probably also need to factor in paying for a cleaner, some ironing etc to keep the household running. Basically work out to what extent your unpaid childcare and house keeping is contributing to the family. I suspect that will concentrate his mind about who is contributing what - he doesn’t value your unpaid labour.
Equal spends!

If he really feels like this the only answer is for you to go back to work full time and share everything childcare and house related 50/50.

He sounds very mean. Why would you want to have extra money for yourself while your partner has to work part time to help run the house? I would be really reconsidering your relationship with him.