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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should DP and I have different or same fun money allowance after bills?

79 replies

ShouldIbeLeftWithLess · 08/06/2023 19:04

DP wants to have £100-150 more fun money than me a month. His reason being because he works full time.

I work part time in a local school allowing me to take DC to and from school etc. and so we don't have to spend on holiday clubs throughout the year.

This was a decision we both agreed.

I feel like he is devaluing my role in this household.

He feels like he works a lot harder and this should be shown financially.

YANBU - it should be equal
YABU - he should have more

After this conversation coming up repeatedly and him never seeing my point, I'm just wondering if my feelings are even valid at this stage.

OP posts:
redastherose · 08/06/2023 20:57

I'm glad he's apologised, frankly it sounds like you actually work longer hours and do more than he does and he should think himself lucky that you shoulder so very much of the burdens that go along with family life. It would be worth totting up precisely how many hours you spend each week doing all of the additional things that are needed to run the house and family and then calculate how much it would cost by o pay some at minimum wage to do everything you do. I'd like to bet he'd owe you a lot of money! He does 7 hours a day you do 5 hours in work then all the extra hours doing's shopping, cleaning, washing, school runs etc.

KCisthenewQC · 08/06/2023 21:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

continentallentil · 08/06/2023 21:09

The only way you are being unreasonable is by asking this question.

Marriage is a partnership, you have equal access to money.

Perhaps you need to go back full time, but that’s a separate conversation.

G5000 · 08/06/2023 21:11

He feels like he works a lot harder
I do the school drop off/pick up, food shop collection and unloading plus top up shops, the daily chores including dishes (no dishwasher!) and laundry. He has no involvement in the mental load of school life.

He works a lot harder? So he does his 7 hours and that's it, and you do everything else? I of course don't know what your kids and household is like, but if it's anything like mine then my evening has been spent picking up kids, feeding them, doing a couple of loads of laundry, cleaning up, getting stuff ready for tomorrow, helping kids with their homework etc etc. The usual. I've been home for 5 hours and only just finally managed to sit down. So if your workload is similar, you work good 10 hours compared to his 7 (minus breaks and lunch) and deserve more money.

Ketzele · 08/06/2023 21:15

Oh I would be raging

VivienneDelacroix · 08/06/2023 21:15

If you didn't have children and chose to work part time and spend your days off enjoying yourself then I'd agree with your dp. But you're not just choosing not to work FT, you're doing the work of parenting and all that that entails. He's a prick.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 08/06/2023 21:18

lh I am glad he apologised, I was going to say the same as others that he is definitely unreasonable and devoting childcare but he clearly sees that now. I actually think you probably contribute more actually based on hours and child-care.

mybestchildismycat · 08/06/2023 21:23

He is taking the absolute piss and I'm concerned that you are in a financially vulnerable position by working part time when you have a partner that doesn't respect or value your contribution to your partnership. Especially without the protection of marriage.

MargotBamborough · 08/06/2023 21:26

19lottie82 · 08/06/2023 19:05

Let him have the extra money then bill him for his half of the childcare.

This.

CoalCraft · 08/06/2023 21:28

DH and I each put 90% of our salaries into the shared pot and keep the rest as "fun money", so I guess I'd say it should reflect how much each person brings in, but then DH and I have similar salaries with the same hours and do the same amount at home.

ThisSummerBetterBeDarnGood · 08/06/2023 21:31

Our fun money is shared between us all.

It's our weekend money. All our money is pretty much shared.

We also set aside money foe Christmas, holidays and so on.

I couldn't enjoy my fun money knowing dh had much less. It's undignified and disrespectful.

Iloveacurry · 08/06/2023 21:33

Great update op

Stickmansmum · 08/06/2023 21:35

What a prick. So basically he is saying he deserves nicer/better/more than you. A good partner wants the person they love to have the best possible. Clearly he has himself ranked higher than you. I’d struggle to get past his attitude.

sadlittlelifejane · 08/06/2023 21:42

usererror99 · 08/06/2023 20:00

And yet you have the benefit of being home more with your children less stress of work and likely closer bond with them whilst he works full time. Surely you can't put a price on that....except you are saying you can and it's £150...

😂😂😂😂😂

Irked · 08/06/2023 21:43

Your pension pot will have taken a hit already, I don't see why you should be down an extra £1200-£1800 a year of spending money too.

Kindlethefourth · 08/06/2023 21:57

DH and I have worked different patterns at various points throughout our 23 year marriage and have always had exactly the same 'spends'. Everything else in a joint account but 'pocket money' always exactly the same.

Gh12345 · 08/06/2023 22:01

I work part time to be available for kids after school and husband works full time time. Truthfully I’d like to work more hours but it’s just not going to work with childcare, this means my husband can advance and has already in his career. I probably spend more money than him and it’s never been an issue. So I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Miscellaneousme · 08/06/2023 22:09

Why not propose that in view of this you’ll return to work full time, and send him half the childcare bill and a list of half the household work, cooking etc too…

ArcticSkewer · 08/06/2023 22:12

You are married. If you split up, you will benefit from this by splitting his pension and savings

Op is just letting her partner get richer at her expense.

Very foolish

MapofVenice · 08/06/2023 22:12

Ask him is he topping up your pension?

FeeFiFoFumble · 08/06/2023 22:17

I'm a SAHM. We don't really do "fun money" but I can guarantee you that if we did we'd have equal amounts. Or maybe not even equal amounts but we'd both have enough to spend on whatever activity we'd chosen. As in, just because I want to do something expensive like eg horse riding doesn't mean that he should get the same amount of money to spend on playing football once a week.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/06/2023 22:23

Orangello · 08/06/2023 19:18

'OK DH, I'll go back full time. How will you organise your half of drop offs, pick ups and holidays?'

And chores and making lunches and getting up at night. Like he'd ever step up.

He's being massively unreasonable OP. Equal fun money is fair. Unfortunately this tells you what he thinks of your contribution. He's completely wrong in what he thinks, but that won't change him thinking that way.

WesterosGreen · 08/06/2023 22:35

BranchGold · 08/06/2023 19:22

It’s not great.

But honestly, you say DP and not DH, so there’s no real right to a concept of shared money/assets. I don’t expect every relationship prior to marriage to be one of exacting financial equality. Is marriage on the cards?

LOL @BranchGold the 50's called and want their opinions back!

They have children, that trumps marriage every time in terms of commitment and shared resources.

AffableApple · 08/06/2023 22:54

ShouldIbeLeftWithLess · 08/06/2023 20:48

To clarify DP works 8.30-5.30 which includes two 30 minute breaks (one in the morning and one in the afternoon) plus an hour long lunch break.

He is tired. He works in a physical job and I do understand that in that sense he works harder and he wants to be compensated for that.

My job is five hours daily Monday-Friday without a break of course due to short hours. My job is varied but quite intense. I have heavy involvement in arranging inductions, open evenings, making offers of admission etc. and all my work requires accuracy so I can feel a little frazzled and drained myself!

Aside from work, in the week before/after work I do the school drop off/pick up, food shop collection and unloading plus top up shops, the daily chores including dishes (no dishwasher!) and laundry.

He has no involvement in the mental load of school life. Doesn't need to worry about their uniform being ready, their weekly spellings and maths tests, general homework, reading, parents evenings, extra work for SEN registered DC to aid her, sorting out payment for clubs, trips, raffle donations etc, dental checkups etc. etc. I don't have a problem with this.

As a side note I top up the pension myself. I am not worried about this and we are fairly comfortable. We have joint assets and I have no interest in marriage.

I understand people are saying legally money does not need to be split. But I can still expect it morally. As parents. As a partnership. It just doesn't sit right with me.

Anyway he has since come in and apologised. Said he doesn't appreciate what I do and takes back everything he said. So that's something I guess!

Yeah, I don't think he fully appreciates what you do. He won't have realised what you do quite so quickly and easily as that. I would work out your childcare, cleaning, domestic and family admin hours and the going rate - and bill your time accordingly. Don't forget to charge for bathing the kids and getting them off to bed,m and everything you do in the evenings he could participate in but doesn't- showing just how much longer your working day is. Don't kid yourself he appreciates what you've said you do. What an arse he is.

Orangello · 09/06/2023 06:48

And chores and making lunches and getting up at night.

Indeed - honestly if I did no childcare, didn't need to worry about holidays, didn't do housework, only worked 8.30-5.30, I'd pay way more than 150 per month! He's having a lovely life, OP does way way more but he doesn't appreciate it one bit.