Should DP and I have different or same fun money allowance after bills?

[ShouldIbeLeftWithLess]

DP wants to have £100-150 more fun money than me a month. His reason being because he works full time.

I work part time in a local school allowing me to take DC to and from school etc. and so we don't have to spend on holiday clubs throughout the year.

This was a decision we both agreed.

I feel like he is devaluing my role in this household.

He feels like he works a lot harder and this should be shown financially.

YANBU - it should be equal
YABU - he should have more

After this conversation coming up repeatedly and him never seeing my point, I'm just wondering if my feelings are even valid at this stage.

He sounds tight - I was a SAHM for years (by choice) but DH's salary went into one account and we both took what we needed... we are not stupid, we didn't go overdrawn but the thought of being allocated a certain amount for 'fun money' sounds like being given pocket money. Sometimes DH would want something for his hobby or a night out with mates .. sometimes I might want a haircut or meal out with friends .. we didn't calculate it to the last £1 ... we had what we wanted (within reason) ... some weeks we might not want anything 'extra', what happens if you go out for a meal .. do you pay half each out of 'fun money'?

Going against the trend - I suppose the only justification would be if you had a lot more spare time than him due to working p/t which on the details supplied we don't know. Obviously if p/t means condensed hours so you work 5 days a week just shorter days and the extra time is spent dropping off/picking up and then looking after the kids then as everyone else has said he is unreasonable because if you didn't do this then he wouldn't be able to work fulltime, or would have to spend significantly more that £100p/m paying for childcare.

If the amount of work you do, for example, means that you e.g. work mornings only so get at least 2 hours completely childfree a few days a week, or every friday off while the kids are in school then he might have a point and the extra money he gets is equivalent for the extra free time you get. All otherwise being equal in terms of childcare/household chores of course.

I would be absolutely furious if my DH suggested this.

Have you asked him how he’d cover the childcare if you stopped doing it?

You need to get married with this set up, if not already. I would be suggesting I go back to work full time!

Tell him your going back full time so he needs to stump up more to the joint acct to pay for wraparound/holiday clubs

I like the idea of billing him for his part of childcare and house chores! He’ll owe you money all the time!

What did you originally agree before you had DC?

DH and I don't always have equal fun money. We have usually had similar incomes in recent years, so pay equal amount into joint account (which pays all bills, childcare, food, kid's clubs etc) and get to keep what remains. It's always worked well enough - I'm usually the slightly higher earner (maternity leave aside) but I also tend to pay for one-off things for the kids - books/toys that arebt for birthday/Christmas. So we get roughly equal fun money, DH probably has a bit more than me, but not enough that I feel hard done by.

Lots of families have their own set up for finances, what seems unfair is if he is trying to change yours without agreement.

If you are not married why are you fucking over your pension and savings to his benefit?

You need to be working full time

your value to the household should not be measured by your financial income.
you are much more valuable than that.
unless he requires more spending money due to work (needs to pay for a lunch or parking or additional fuel or unless his hobby is more expensive than your hobby) but NONE of this should be linked to your value as a parent and income.

What fun things does he want to do all by himself with this money? He has showed you his true colours and how little he sees you as an equal.

My DH works FT and I'm a SAHM, we've always had the same amount of 'fun' money.

And yet you have the benefit of being home more with your children less stress of work and likely closer bond with them whilst he works full time. Surely you can't put a price on that....except you are saying you can and it's £150...

He doesn’t want to accept that children cost time and money. So he’s trying not to accept it, by making you spend the time and pay the money (by earning less).

Not only does he think your time and money is dispensable; he doesn’t think his children merit his money or time.

Go back to work full time.
Split the cost of wrap around cat with him, which will probably absorb most of the fun money.

Your husband is a complete arse thinking he deserves more.

I think it’s telling that every comment people have given of their personal circumstances has referred to a husband.

Marriage is committing to someone legally. Cohabiting and sharing children is a different setup. It’s right to split bills in a way that suits you both jointly, and childcare/expenses are absolutely a joint expense. But I don’t expect automatically that every individual I’ve been in a relationship with/shared property with to pool all of my/their income.

Absolutely this. Is he topping up your pension to full time?

he needs to do that and then any surplus money left is split between the two of you.

Tell him you will go full time and he will have to do half the childcare. He obviously doesn’t see what you are sacrificing to be available for both your children.

And the stress of doing pick-up and drop-off around work so you can’t be flexible and have to hard stop on meetings and rush around to do it all, and the stress of doing holiday childcare and I bet using all her annual leave on childcare so she’s either at work or with the kids, and reducing her pension and her career prospects. But sure, the bond (that he could equally have, we don’t know!)

I think in this scenario equal fun money sounds fair. Could you potentially have the 150 as joint or family fun money for date nights, family days out etc?

I would be telling him I am going back full time and you can split, proportionally to your income childcare costs

I mean he's being a dick, but there's no legal right to shared finances without being married. We didn't have equal fun money until after we were married and I earn more than DH

To clarify DP works 8.30-5.30 which includes two 30 minute breaks (one in the morning and one in the afternoon) plus an hour long lunch break.

He is tired. He works in a physical job and I do understand that in that sense he works harder and he wants to be compensated for that.

My job is five hours daily Monday-Friday without a break of course due to short hours. My job is varied but quite intense. I have heavy involvement in arranging inductions, open evenings, making offers of admission etc. and all my work requires accuracy so I can feel a little frazzled and drained myself!

Aside from work, in the week before/after work I do the school drop off/pick up, food shop collection and unloading plus top up shops, the daily chores including dishes (no dishwasher!) and laundry.

He has no involvement in the mental load of school life. Doesn't need to worry about their uniform being ready, their weekly spellings and maths tests, general homework, reading, parents evenings, extra work for SEN registered DC to aid her, sorting out payment for clubs, trips, raffle donations etc, dental checkups etc. etc. I don't have a problem with this.

As a side note I top up the pension myself. I am not worried about this and we are fairly comfortable. We have joint assets and I have no interest in marriage.

I understand people are saying legally money does not need to be split. But I can still expect it morally. As parents. As a partnership. It just doesn't sit right with me.

Anyway he has since come in and apologised. Said he doesn't appreciate what I do and takes back everything he said. So that's something I guess!

If he works full time, and you only work part time, then technically he needs less money than you because he doesn't have as much spare time to go spending in.

Tell him he's being a muppet and no he's not having more.

8.30-5.30 with several breaks and you work 5 hours plus do everthing at home - who actually works longer hours here, unpaid included?