To expect help from DP family with his depression

[Lalalalala555]

Help.
So my DP has depression - not diagnosed - but has symptoms. Lies in bed some days and refuses to get up. Has little to no interest in doing things. He's had this a while, say a few years. It started getting better but recently it's been tough. For him, and then me.

The issue is this.
He moans, he moans about his job and just generally. He has a negative view on life, and himself. Sometimes it just gets really tough to be around. Because he refused to seek help and support. I have told him he needs to take action. But still he has not done anything.

Im at a point where I just don't feel like i can cope anymore. Aibu for asking his parents and family to step in and step up.

For more context, the parents live abroad. They have expressed deep concern that he is not doing well. And are worried. But not worried enough to come over and visit and try and help him. At the moment they just keep messaging me and it's an extra burden for me to deal with reassuring them and keeping up with his parents constant messaging as well as trying to put up with his moaning and keeping myself from sinking and being effected.

His family have different views to me on what will help. His parent told me that they said that the dp's sibling said that marriage is the answer.
I don't believe that it is. I believe dps issues are his own doing. Being tied to me legally will not fix him.

Another thing is one of dp's childhood friends died due to suicide from depression. So his parents are anxious.

Aibu if I tell them they should come to visit to help him. Or will that be unfair because it may make them even more anxious and cost them money. They have other children abroad with them, and jobs so it's probably not so simple.

But I feel like the weight of his issues are being shouldered by me. And now his families worries also put on me.
Its not okay. And I want to be reasonable. Help.

Why is it not diagnosed? He needs to see a GP.
Maybe they could help by providing some funds for therapy?

If he's not been diagnosed as depressed and isn't seeking treatment for this "depression" then what makes you so sure he's depressed? From your description he just sounds like a lazy moaner, that doesn't mean he's depressed.

I have told him he needs to take action. But still he has not done anything.

Be firmer. Tell him that as he has refused (for YEARS) to seek help it is not fair for him to dump all of this on you. Either he makes an appointment with his GP or you don't want to hear about it.

His family have different views to me on what will help.

In this case you don't want their help.

Are you happy in this relationship, OP? Does being with him make your life better?

Send him over to them to look after.

Your DP needs to see his GP. You need to tell his family to contact him, not you.
Last year, my DH was in a bad way, I called the GP to make an urgent appointment for him, and went with him. He wasn't best pleased, but I bullied him into it. It may sound harsh, but I knew he needed it.

Good luck, I know it's a really shitty situation.

This might sound harsh, but there's no way I'd put up with a man who thought it acceptable to just lay around the house for days on end.

If he thinks he has depression then he needs to go and see a doctor. He doesn't get to just opt out of life for several years when he doesn't have a diagnosis and isn't doing anything to help himself.

And I say all that as someone who has suffered from depression in the past. He's an adult and he needs to take responsibility for his own health and well-being.

His parents visiting (or not) is a totally separate issue.

My exh had undiagnosed depression.. Managed the pub and a round of golf no problem.. Seemed to worsen on food shop days and school collection times..
HE shapes up or ship him out op. His depression is his to deal with.

Sense check your life time. Is he improving your life? Do you have children together? If not, you have no reason to be doing this. You do not owe it to someone to be their life support system.

Aside from that, if you have decided for whatever reason that you DO owe it to him, you owe his family NOTHING. They don't get to balm their concern from afar at your expense. They DEFINITELY don't get to push you into a marriage to someone who needs a lot more help than you can give and thus wash their hands of any responsibility.

You, at your own expense, are maintaining this status quo. Only you can break it, by stepping back and away. This will mean he has to do something about his depression; it means his parents will need to do something - either become more involved or own their lack of interest. As long as you keep doing it all for everyone, things will stay the way they are, until eventually you crash.

I'd agree that being married will not help him in the slightest. But if that kind of thing is the solution, I'm not sure they understand depression or will be able to offer any solid help.

You could send them something along the lines of you want to use your energy supporting their son, so from now on you'll update them every sunday and of course if there is a drastic change in the mean time. But the only thing in your opinion that will help is professional intervention so if they want to help then they can speak to your partner and encourage him to do this or better still come and visit and say it to his face.

I'd also consider whether you want to be tied to this relationship in the long term given he won't do anything to help himself- why should you shoulder everything?

Fucking hell @ClementWeatherToday your attitude to mental illness is shockingly old fashioned. He's not depressed he's just a lazy moaner? Really???

Depression and anxiety often go hand in hand and stigmatising mental illness in this way is really really unhelpful when it comes to having open conversations and seeking help.

OP, I think you need to have an honest conversation with your partner and support him in getting some treatment. Book a GP appointment for him. Perhaps a telephone appointment if he can't face seeing the GP in person. Or offer to accompany him? It sounds like his family are willing to help and support him so if you feel he needs that, ask them to come over and help him.

It's really tough, my oh is going through some difficulties at work and rightly off loading on me. I gave listened, advised and listened some more. This has been months and finally I had to say this is enough, I can't keep giving advice that you ignore. I have my own issues to deal with PLEASE don't mention it to me again.

He had a call with his boss in America last week and they are putting some things in place next week when his UK boss is back at work. But venting to me was getting me down. You must tell him you are not qualified to help. Unless you are actually a mental health worker.

Depression is very difficult for the partner as I know from experience. He needs to go to the GP for help .He probably needs medication probably possibly CBT . Maybe a visit to or from his parents will help? But I can't see how marriage will make the slightest difference . You don't need to tie yourself to a negative moaner .

What does he bring to your life?

Why aren't the parents talking to their son directly?

If this is an option, then this. Definitely.I tried with my inlaws, yes they were worried about their son, but were not willing to accept his own reponsibility. It was down to me, I must have done something wrong, he usually is not like this and bla bla. So I am not sure if it would make you happier if they were with you, you might have to battle them as well.And would your dp accept their "help" over here? If you could send him there, it is up to him and them, and they will have to manage how they used to before you came around. And maybe that is for the best. It is how he grew up. And those little familiar things and mother/son things you (or me) will not ever understand, or agree to. Best not to be around it. Better for your mental health too.And if he does not want to be around them. Arrange help for him over here. Explain what you are going through with this. And that he must help you decide. Either go there for help, or get help here. If he choses here, make a plan with him how he informs his family about the pocedures. And if he does not want to, that is his right too. But it is not up to you. Cut that part loose. You will sleep much better.Good luck. I know it is difficult.

I meant to quote this😀

His parent told me that they said that the dp's sibling said that marriage is the answer.

What does that mean? That you should marry him and he'll magically be cured? Or that your relationship. married or not, is causing his depression, and he should go and marry someone entirely different?

That sounds a bit mad.

I think you also have to question what you actually want them to do?

If they were to come over and visit, they could chat to him and make him feel cared about (and maybe take the weight off your shoulders for a week or so). But realistically there is nothing they can do to make the situation better as you will have already done everything they could.

No one can change this other than your partner. Even if you got him to the Dr, he will still need to take the medication or attend the therapy. If he is not willing to do that, no one can force him.

Maybe a proper chat about you not being willing to help him if he won't help himself? Could that be the motivational kick up the bum to seek support?

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's nice to not feel alone, and to have people who are impartial to the situation. People who are my friends/family put me first, and his friends /family put him first.

The reason I mention his parents is because it has got to a point for me where its too much to handle on my own. I don't want to and it doesn't feel fair that they don't step up and do more.
I am the one that is exposed to him and his moods, and it is me that suggests getting medical help.
What should I do about his parents?
I think there is a bit of a difference in culture. I'm not sure if they blame me, or expect us to be married, when I messaged his mum she asked when will we visit her. Just after I asked will she be visiting him. I'm starting to think its not right they just say they're worried but do nothing and add to my burden. I'm not good at not being blunt. So just trying to figure out what to say. They message me because he doesn't respond to them often. He just ignores people. I think again maybe depression.
But maybe by asking them to get involved is opening a can of worms.

What I want is to feel less burdened by his moods and lack of action in trying to tackle his issue.
I do care about him, but if I'm honest as time goes on with him not taking action and not getting better it's eroding my feelings. Because it is not just him that it's effecting, it's our relationship too. And by him not making the effort to face the issue, it's damaging. And I think that's why I'm frustrated. There's no end and no effort. And it's taking my time and energy.
It sounds a bit rough, because the guy has a mental illness.

Its tricky with calling the gp on his behalf. Is this the right thing to do? I don't want to get into a position where he relies on me to solve his problems and omits taking responsibility for himself. I don't want to turn into a mothering role. :s

We do have similar interests, he is a kind person, and I knew him before this and it was good.
I don't want to give up on someone because depression has taken them. But it does get to a point where I now feel myself slipping.

Maybe i will set a deadline and move out if he hasn't sought medical advice by then. Or is that too harsh?

Tricky.

No not to harsh. You have reached your limit. I don't think you should phone his gp on his behalf. You indeed need to sit down with him and discuss the situation. And let him know he needs to make a decision. This way you can speed things up, but it can go either way. And it is up to him. You may set a deadline after speaking with him about this, and he does not pick up the ball. If you still want to by then.
For you I think it is better to stop speaking with the inlaws. You are infact also doing this on his behalf. Let him handle his family the way he wants to. For you the line to walk on is too thin.

I think so. It does sound mad to me. I don't think being married cures mental illnesses.

But his mum and her daughter in law had talked about it. As her dil had said it cured my partners brothers moods/depression.

I don't know how to take it. There is a cultural difference perhaps. They are all from a different country. I am from the UK. His brother married very young for uk terms. But they're from a more strongly religious country.

I don't know if they're trying to blame my relationship or just me. His mum has said he got bad from just after we got together. Which is true. He got bad after finishing uni and then some time after, where he had become disappointed he hadn't got the job or career he'd expected of himself.

I don't mind if they think it's me or not. I'd just rather they be clear if that's what they mean. And if it was me I'm open to unravelling anything I might be doing to be causing it.
But my gut feeling is it isn't me. I think im quite a positive determined person.

It could be comparison with me?
But it's not like he'd asked me to marry him and id said no so he felt somewhat unsettled in our relationship. I've never been unfaithful either. I don't really know why it would be me.
But maybe they're not trying to blame me.
Or maybe they are. Maybe that's easier.

I just don't know.
But blaming won't fix it.

To fix it, the parents need to step up and try and get him to seek medical help. I have been trying for years and it is not yet worked.
So maybe they can input.

Yes sounds wise.
Its hard to just say I'm not messaging you anymore. I need to figure out some wording.

I told the mother to message him, not me about when we will visit them. It's not down to me after all.

What a pickle.

So as outcomes

• talk to him again about seeing gp
• set a deadline for this and then I do something if he doesn't like move out
• stop replying to his parents messages

Answers to people's comments:

• I suggested the parents come to visit him, because if they are concerned about their son, then they could consider being there to support him. Maybe they can talk to him and just be there for him. Take on some of the load of hearing the moaning.

Basically I can't take the load anymore of the moaning and inaction. I'm getting to a point where my tolerance is so low I don't feel able to be that compassionate anymore. I need other people to step up and split it. But i guess if they visit they're doing me a favour and not exactly him. Why would they fly in if he's got me to take all the moaning. It's not fun.

Any tips on how to cope in the meantime?

I do understand the relationship is my choice. I am questioning it. We live together, and have been together for several years so it will be a big decision to call it quits.
I don't want it to come to that. Because he is a nice person, we have similar hobbies, and when he's not in one of his lows or moods, he's thoughtful and we have fun.
So it's sort of tentative phase now.
Hopefully with some strong boundaries and also input from his friends and family with encouragement on seeking medical help it will work.

One of his friends is coming to stay with us this weekend. And is going to try and help.

It just sucks tbh. Thanks for replying. It's so nice people respond on here. Feel less alone now. :)

You have more patience than my husband. He threatened to leave me if I didn't go to the doctor and I knew he meant it. I was shocked into action and was at the GP and on antidepressants within days. 6 months later I felt like a new person.

Thanks this is helping. And giving me a stronger sense of needing to take harder action.
We don't have kids together.
We live together, so in a way it improves my life because my housing costs are halved.
He is also a nice guy with similar interests. But half the time he is just moany and not nice to be around. It's hard to figure out where the line is. It's not clear. It's hazy.

Yes im not sure if they blame me as well or just use me as an avenue of contact. They don't speak fluent English and i dont speak their language very well at all. It's not so easy to get the undertones.
You are right.

You also maybe be right there too.
I went to stay away for 10 days just now. I actually stayed longer because he was just being miserable and I was determined not to be guilt tripped into going back. And didn't want to go back whilst he was miserable. He turned nice for two days and then I got back yesterday.
And today he's just gone full mood again. It's exhausting.
You may be right I need to move out.

Gives me hope.
Maybe this is what I need to do.