To expect help from DP family with his depression

[Lalalalala555]

Help.
So my DP has depression - not diagnosed - but has symptoms. Lies in bed some days and refuses to get up. Has little to no interest in doing things. He's had this a while, say a few years. It started getting better but recently it's been tough. For him, and then me.

The issue is this.
He moans, he moans about his job and just generally. He has a negative view on life, and himself. Sometimes it just gets really tough to be around. Because he refused to seek help and support. I have told him he needs to take action. But still he has not done anything.

Im at a point where I just don't feel like i can cope anymore. Aibu for asking his parents and family to step in and step up.

For more context, the parents live abroad. They have expressed deep concern that he is not doing well. And are worried. But not worried enough to come over and visit and try and help him. At the moment they just keep messaging me and it's an extra burden for me to deal with reassuring them and keeping up with his parents constant messaging as well as trying to put up with his moaning and keeping myself from sinking and being effected.

His family have different views to me on what will help. His parent told me that they said that the dp's sibling said that marriage is the answer.
I don't believe that it is. I believe dps issues are his own doing. Being tied to me legally will not fix him.

Another thing is one of dp's childhood friends died due to suicide from depression. So his parents are anxious.

Aibu if I tell them they should come to visit to help him. Or will that be unfair because it may make them even more anxious and cost them money. They have other children abroad with them, and jobs so it's probably not so simple.

But I feel like the weight of his issues are being shouldered by me. And now his families worries also put on me.
Its not okay. And I want to be reasonable. Help.

The following is what I advise the partners of my clients who have depression (I am an NHS therapist)

*Do not give them the space to listen to their moaning. Moaning isn't helping them, it is keeping them stuck and sucking you in too.
*You are a partner, not a carer or therapist. Yes, of course be supportive, but you cannot 'save them'.

• Make sure you have joy in your own life. Are you keeping up with hobbies and friends? *Do NOT do activities on their behalf (like washing, cooking food), this keeps them stuck.... this is within reason, if it was for a few months, sure. But any longer and you are keeping the problem going as where is their motivation to change?

On that first point, it is unreasonable for anyone to have to 'listen to moaning'. You are choosing to do it. No one else is responsible for this job and am not sure it is reasonable to expect friends and family to 'share the load'? Saying that, I do think his parents should visit, especially given the sucide in their family. But we can't control other people's behaviour.

@thinkfast

Yes, really. Are we reading different OPs? Because I'm reading about a man who moans (a lot) and seems quite happy doing so, he doesn't seem to want to change or get help.

Either he's saying, "I'm depressed but I don't want to seek treatment" or he doesn't think he's depressed. While I appreciate that people struggling with their mental health can sometimes have poor insight he has to take responsibility for himself eventually, he can't just continue to moan at his partner all the time (which is starting to affect her own mental health). Either there is a problem, in which case he needs treatment (which the OP isn't qualified to provide), or there isn't, in which case he doesn't get to use the OP as his emotional punch bag.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts said it more kindly than me, perhaps:

If he thinks he has depression then he needs to go and see a doctor. He doesn't get to just opt out of life for several years when he doesn't have a diagnosis and isn't doing anything to help himself.

And I say all that as someone who has suffered from depression in the past.

His symptoms are sometimes refusing to get out of bed, not wanting to do anything (which could be anhedonia but then elsewhere the OP talks about him having similar interests and hobbies to her, so evidently he CAN motivate himself to do stuff that he enjoys, which doesn't therefore sound like he's actually lost interest in everything), occasional lows (not continual lows, which is a symptom of depression) and "moods". No mention of any physical symptoms (aches and pains, changes in appetite, trouble sleeping etc.). I'm struggling to see depression in what the OP has described.

Maybe I got out of bed on the wrong side this morning but there seem to be quite a lot of people claiming to have a mental illness but refusing to seek any diagnosis or treatment while massively negatively affecting those they profess to love and excusing everything with (for example) "but I'm depressed".

Thanks. Yes trying my best to keep my head afloat. It's easy to say but actually quite hard to do.

He messages me throughout the day moaning about things.

If we're in a car, he will moan sometimes. About other drivers and just general stuff.
If we're together he'll moan.
Its quite awkward, sometimes impossible to instantly escape as he speaks.

In that instance should i interrupt him and say no. No moaning.
Or just try and walk off if he moans?

With his friends and family, it is more I want them to try and take an active role in encouraging him and supporting him. He had a terrible day on Sunday. And his brother couldn't get him to answer his phone nor his friend nor his mother. They all start messaging me. I am hours away. And it's just not okay. They're obviously scared for him. But it's not okay he's not answering their calls.
And it's not fair they suddenly decide to care but do no legwork in keeping in contact with him regularly to encourage he take action and to just be there.

I don't think it's fair that people go to me.
And because I can't even imagine how horrible it would be to have a son and worry about him committing suicide, after seeing his friends family go through it, I will respond. Because I don't want them to suffer.

But maybe I shouldn't reply.
Or maybe I should reply with minimal replies just he needs medical help.
I don't know.

I spent some time away and I booked myself a holiday in a months time. Trying to do my self care.

He's now upset that I've booked a holiday and wants to come too. But I booked onto a womens only adventure week. And hes now upset he doesn't have a holiday too.

Man it's hard.

You can’t be serious?!

If he isn’t diagnosed with depression, he can’t be depressed? He’s lazy, is he?

Yep
I think you're right. Maybe I shouldn't be using the phrase depression. It's not diagnosed.
He has low mood, and it comes in waves. In lockdown it was constant. Now it's more waves.

Anyway sorry.
He could do with seeing a medical professional to figure out what's going on.

Yeah I really hear it is not as easy as 'just don't let him moan' if that is his whole style of communication. I wouldn't advise just accepting it though!

Eg in car and him moaning about traffic, you could say
_OK, tell me something good that has happened today, or something you have read about
_This constant moaning is draining. Can we have an hour we here you make a concerted effort not to be negative

If you can get away
_ I am feeling a bit low energy so am going to go for a walk, want to come?

He is bringing the energy down and rather than sitting in it with him, you need to bring it back up again.

However............. this is NOT your job. I would seriously be questioning whether I wanted to stay in this relationship if it was me. I dont want to oversell medication as it doesn't help everyone (and can have side effects). But he could start taking meds tomorrow and feel fine in 4 weeks. It is pretty cruel he is subjecting you to this. You are being too nice.

I actually have a feeling it may be adhd undiagnosed.
Because he is usually a lot better after sport. And puts things off.
And likes extreme sports.
And struggles with doing admin.
He has lows like depression, but they're usually triggered not constant. Although sometimes feel constant because he's constantly ruminating.

I feel cbt and meds would help. It's just what meds and what exactly is going on.
But i dont know. Maybe he's just really really moody.

It is impossible to diagnose someone online from the words of a third party. So can't for sure say this is depression. He might be quite content sleeping and moaning a lot.

However, if he came to me and reported these symptoms he would be treated for depression. We don't 'diagnose' depression in the UK in the way people think we do. You can look up the questionnaire called the PHQ9. If he scores over 9 then he would be treated for depression.

Given all your updates I would probably think this relationship had come to an end.

You aren’t married and don’t have children so it’s really not OK for you to be saddled with all this when he can’t/won’t even help himself.

Possibly you are unintentionally enabling him and if you leave, he will find a way through his depression?

Its hard not to be nice when you care about someone. And also when you know how tough first hand it can be to be feeling really low and overwhelmed in life. But then I'm making excuses. And I wouldn't subject someone to this. I'd get help.
And that's what's frustrating.
Im happy to support him getting back to health, it's his lack of effort in facing it and trying to help himself that's really hard.

And yes thanks I needed to hear that. I will try my best to nip in the bud any negative comments and stuff. Sometimes it's just not possible. Like we go out for a walk and he's moany. I say hey, please can you not say things like that. And he will just give off a miserable energy and sometimes just keep on going as well. And I can't escape.
When we're out were stuck together. In the car stuck. We live in a small flat.

I really need to be very strongly assertive it would seem. I've said and stood up in the past. But he is still doing this.
I don't feel confident with words. I can be quite blunt and then annoy rather than solve the issue.
But I'll try again this evening.

Wish me luck.

I am questioning the relationship.
Its tricky because its not a clear cut thing. I want it to work out. And there's no magic guide on how to solve this kind of thing.

Ugh. What a real pickle. Thanks for the advice.

Yeah maybe.
Man.
Ideally he'd face it and we'd stay together and he'll get better over time and all will be nice.
Maybe I'm too optimistic and attached for my own good.
Its starting to grate so I imagine I have a few months left in me if it carries on this way before I can't handle it.

@Thebigblueballoon

You can’t be serious?!

If he isn’t diagnosed with depression, he can’t be depressed? He’s lazy, is he?

Perhaps I should have clarified that the lazy comment was specifically in response to the OP describing him sometimes refusing to get out of bed (not "he feels so low he is unable to get out of bed", for example).

Of course he could have undiagnosed depression, but he can't continue to pursue neither diagnosis nor treatment whilst simultaneously expecting to be able to go on constantly dumping on his partner. It's affecting her own mental health.

He's too "depressed" to do anything but wants to go on your holiday .... nasty, nasty selfish man. I think the whole answer is here

Interestingly, I was diagnosed with depression but it really turned out to be adhd in the end.
It was similar symptoms but shorter time frames for the lows. It was a mix of sort of mental breakdown in a sense of just being so overwhelmed /stressed and unable to cope. That and also the anxiety and stress. Not the best time. But it's interesting that it is so similar to depression sometimes. It took over a decade for me to really get to the bottom of what was going on and find adhd really was the root cause. And that wasn't a gp that figured it out. It was actually talking with a friend and reading something they shared online and relating to it so hard and then thinking. Oh wow. This isn't normal?

So. It could also be that. It could be a mix. I stupidly should not have said depression because that's a medical term and condition. It is definitely low moods. Extreme low moods. And also he has really unhelpful thinking patterns (this is what they were called in cbt - it sounds a bit mean as me saying it).

So yep. I really think he would benefit from medical help.. I'm not exactly sure what is going on with him in terms of diagnosing.

Ive got first hand experience of meds and cbt and mindfulness are great things for helping solve problems.

....
I wonder if I can get a gp to come to the house....
But obviously no.
He needs to want to fix it. Otherwise he won't bother with the meds or going to appointments.
And I don't want to take up chasing him to do stuff.

I am meant to be his girlfriend not mother. I have to keep telling myself that. Because it would be easy (and draining) to try and get things solved.
But i also do believe it's important people fix their own problems and don't have others to solve all of life's problems for them.

I don't want a partner where I have to solve all of my problems and his too. :(

OP well done on booking a holiday and thinking about your needs.

You cannot make a person change if they do not want to. If he doesn't see a problem with his mood or behaviour then he will do nothing to change anything.

You may benefit from seeing a counsellor yourself to help you focus on you and what you need in life. At the moment it seems to be all about him and his family. It's not for you to fix him or his issues or to appease his family but it seems like you have been pushed into this role.

Of course his parents want you to marry him. Then he'll be firmly off their hands and totally your problem. I would think long and hard about how you see this playing out. He refuses any help, his family are disinterested, you are the person he vents to. Get out now before he drags you down with him.

I don't think you can tell them to step up as such as an adult he is nobody's responsibility but his own. Being abroad is not as easy to just pop over and visit him. If he were my son though I would try and support you both as much as possible but how do you expect them to look after him if he hasn't acknowledged he needs help? You can stay and support him with conditions that he try to help himself too. I know mental health is not easy but I'd expect some action.You also don't have to stay either.

it's an extra burden for me to deal with reassuring them and keeping up with his parents constant messaging

Then stop.

Instead of reassuring them, tell them you are overwhelmed, can't cope, at breaking point.

Will do.
I need to find a way to phrase it in a gentle way I hope. I don't want to have a bad relationship with them.
Just be assertative and protect myself. Will try and figure out a way to word it.
And take 24hrs to just figure out exactly what my boundary is /lies.

Thanks 👍

Yes.
I'm sort of torn between saying well if you're so concerned about your son, why dont you come and visit him. Especially if you think he may even end up with the same fate as one of his friends.
But obviously that is horrifically blunt. And a bit aggressive. And I'm not exactly sure if it's even my place to say.
And what's more, probably encourages a reaction and just more engaging in talking with his parents.

When really I jusnt want them to just deal with him.
Maybe I just reply if they message me they're concerned say something like if you're concerned, you take what action you choose. Maybe that's enough.
His mum keeps asking me when we will visit. It's her son. Not me. I'm not organising a trip. I messaged her that she should message him not me.

I'm going to buy myself some nice flowers I think.

Thanks guys for all the sound advice.
You're really helping me :)

Eeek. Maybe you're right.
Gawd. I hope its not as calculated as that. But maybe there is an element of it. :s

I have started to realise it benefits everyone but me to be his support.
Bit of a wake up call.

I

Yes, treat yourself to a beautiful bunch of flowers. I love this :)

Sorry but I think you are in essence dealing with a lazy man child.

I have plenty of time for people with depression but meh something about this stinks to high heaven, particularly the marrying him off bit.

Leave. And don't marry him. Let him sort it out.

I'm not sure why you are with him. The only person that is responsible for his mental health is him. Not you and not his parents.

You don't need to reply to his parents. Set some boundaries but seriously consider why you are staying with him when the whole situation sounds hopeless.