To expect help from DP family with his depression

[Lalalalala555]

Help.
So my DP has depression - not diagnosed - but has symptoms. Lies in bed some days and refuses to get up. Has little to no interest in doing things. He's had this a while, say a few years. It started getting better but recently it's been tough. For him, and then me.

The issue is this.
He moans, he moans about his job and just generally. He has a negative view on life, and himself. Sometimes it just gets really tough to be around. Because he refused to seek help and support. I have told him he needs to take action. But still he has not done anything.

Im at a point where I just don't feel like i can cope anymore. Aibu for asking his parents and family to step in and step up.

For more context, the parents live abroad. They have expressed deep concern that he is not doing well. And are worried. But not worried enough to come over and visit and try and help him. At the moment they just keep messaging me and it's an extra burden for me to deal with reassuring them and keeping up with his parents constant messaging as well as trying to put up with his moaning and keeping myself from sinking and being effected.

His family have different views to me on what will help. His parent told me that they said that the dp's sibling said that marriage is the answer.
I don't believe that it is. I believe dps issues are his own doing. Being tied to me legally will not fix him.

Another thing is one of dp's childhood friends died due to suicide from depression. So his parents are anxious.

Aibu if I tell them they should come to visit to help him. Or will that be unfair because it may make them even more anxious and cost them money. They have other children abroad with them, and jobs so it's probably not so simple.

But I feel like the weight of his issues are being shouldered by me. And now his families worries also put on me.
Its not okay. And I want to be reasonable. Help.

Can you stay in a relationship but live separately, meet up for dates once a week on the understanding he doesn't moan, if he starts getting too moany for your liking get up and leave (as long as he can make his own way home)
I had a BF with depression but he was on ADs, he looked after himeself, had no intention of living with him, we both needed our own space.

To fix it, the parents need to step up and try and get him to seek medical help. I have been trying for years and it is not yet worked.

Nope. They can't do anything other than what you have done - urge him to seek treatment. If he chooses not to do that, that is on him. Not his parents, and not you.

If you have had enough and want to walk away I certainly would blame you (I would probably do that). But he is a grown man and you are his partner, so I don't think it's reasonable to remain in an adult relationship with him but expect his parents to be responsible for him as if he were a child.

My dh suffered with depression and it was a huge burden for me as he wouldn't seek help and expected me to listen. Eventually l started saying: l am sure you will work it out. End of! He is medically trained and would advise anyone else to see a doctor. As l pulled back the responsibility was on him. And he did go. Got on medication, got back to work and has sought help when he needed it.
Don't even bother saying go to a doctor. He knows. Just be vague and keep yourself busy as you are doing with the holidays etc. And remember there is no law that says you have to stay in this relationship. He is refusing to access help. There are consequences for that. And this might sound harsh but you are not responsible if he attempts suicide. If he does call an ambulance/ call the police and hand it over to them.
Obviously the parents are no practical use so pick one or two sentences: he is the same as usual . Nothing else.
But remember you may be far happier out of this relationship.

@Lalalalala555
"Any tips on how to cope in the meantime?"

Yes. Be unavailable.

Spend most of your time outside the house you share, doing your own thing. Annoying, yes, but better for your mental health than hanging around him and being his mental dustbin.

Go for long walks, do any work in the evenings in a library. Go to bed earlier and get up earlier to avoid him. Sounds like you won't have much trouble just by getting up early.

Or if you can't manage being out that long, then just be in a different room when he's home, be reading a book or listening to headphones while you relax, work or go about your business so that he can't interrupt. Be busy and unavailable so he can't just use you to offload.

He does not seem to be doing anything to help himself, so you need to protect yourself from his all-encompassing negativity so it doesn't swallow all your joy up too.
I would go so far as to simply block his parents numbers and try to put them out of your mind.

It sounds like this is over for you no?

They want you to get married because then he will very much be your problem and they think you'll be less likely to leave. He is not doing anything to help himself and he's awful half the time. Honestly I'd be expecting far more out of a relationship. I would be leaving rather than putting up with this. You only get one life (at least in my view) and I wouldn't waste it on him or his keen to avoid responsibility family. I am assuming you are quite young so don't waste your youth on this whining moaner who is not prepared to seek help.

We had a chat yesterday. He finally agreed to get medical help.
No deadline though :s

Today it's gone back and now he's saying he wants to move out in July and quit his job.

Anyone fancy getting cocktails, I need a break.

Seriously though.
Am I am idiot for staying with this man? I care about him, but how you know exactly when to call it quits and when to try? When to take care of yourself. And when to rough it.

Can you move out but stay in a relationship with him with new secure boundaries in place to protect your own mental health? He needs proper professional help and it is too much to put it all on you. As you say it needs to be a relationship of equals not parent/child. Say clearly to his parents that he needs both wider support from family and from medical professionals. Be very clear then leave it with them. Answer texts but din’t engage, eg say that they will need to ask partner about XXX.

It sounds as if you are beginning to take care of yourself more and I wish you better times. A friend is married to someone with severe depression and it is absolutely life altering for her so think very very carefully about the kind of life you want in future and if you should have children too this could be very challenging.

You asked OP if you’re an idiot for staying with him…. I think you are. You’ve tried and tried and he seems to be more of a selfish prick rather than ill.

He's an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself
He needs to make an appointment with his GP for diagnosis and treatment... otherwise he's just a lazy arse
You've been with him for 5 years so what was he like then?
It's not fair for his parents to message you with their concerns this will affect your own MH and his MH is not your responsibility
Marriage is NOT the answer, in fact if he refuses to seek help, I'd question if the relationship is for you at all. Your needs matter too

Just missed your last post which I think does prove me right actually!
Well done for booking a holiday for yourself..,, Which he wanted to be part of.. if he was clinically depressed he wouldn't be able to
face it
He u turned on seeking help/ advice
He wants to give up his job!
If he wants a holiday tell him to visit his DP's.,, and stay there
You deserve much better

Leave. You're wasting precious time playing mummy. This has been going on since the relationship started. He isn't going to change. Please don't marry or have children with this man.

Of course his family want you to marry him. He'll have someone that is legally bound to him that can babysit him.

Go and live a happier, more positive life.

Sounds like he's checked out of your relationship OP. Maybe this is your get out clause as I suspect you have been staying due to loyalty, guilt and concern that it would be your fault if anything happened to him. He is choosing not to seek medical help for any issues and choosing a different path. Maybe embrace your freedom now?

If he does quit his job, it's not your problem to sort his accommodation if you want to leave the relationship. Don't get drawn to supporting him if he's quit his job!

As someone who's suffered with depression myself I can't really see what his parents can do to help. Yes they can certainly offer support and talk to him (not you!) but it might or might not help. If he actually has depression he should see his doctor. It's an illness, not something his parents can cure.

Op, you only get one life and it passes quickly . If he isnt going to even try then dont waste yours with him. Maybe you leaving with be the kick up the arse he needs, if not it is not your responsibility.

Ohhh I had one of these! It is soul destroying. Like living with a Dementor.
He did take meds but they caused other issues and didn’t really solve anything. He wasn’t like this when we got together or even when we got married (we married quite quickly). It gradually changed over time. He’d moan about his health. He’d moan about work (no matter what job he had). Before I knew it, he just moaned all the time. It was like the opposite of rose tinted glasses. Even one time we talked about an amazing holiday we’d had and he even moaned about that retrospectively!
I asked him multiple times to go back to the doctors to say his meds weren’t helping, to chase his specialist for a follow up, to get counselling..he just..didn’t. Then a friend pointed out his behaviour was actually controlling. We rarely went out because he didn’t feel up to it. We were never intimate (not just sex but even cuddling, sharing a bed) because he was always tired. When I planned things on my own, he’d say it was a good idea then try to sabotage it, creating arguments before I went out with friends for example. Like he never wanted to have any fun and he wanted to ensure I didn’t either.
I realised as well that I kept moaning about him moaning! He made me miserable.
I had an accident and I finally saw his true self. A resentful, grumpy knobhead. No sympathy for me, no affection. Just saw how hard it was for him. I called it a day in the end (not a light decision to make, we’d been married a long time and had DC together). But I just couldn’t take any more. When he left, I felt like I could finally breathe again. I had been walking on egg shells for years. When he left, guess what? He went to the doctors. He got counselling. He saw his specialist and got treatment. He’s still a miserable sod! He told me he’d met someone else and honestly, my first thought was ^Oh good, he’s got someone else to
moan to now!^. I have now met a lovely fella (I waited a while before dating again). He’s just so easy to be with, he makes me really happy.
Think very carefully about your future with this man. He might be depressed and turn it around, but it kind of sounds like it suits him to be like this…? If things don’t change soon, I would think about LTB. I love my DC more than anything and don’t regret having her at all, but it’s very difficult to co-parent with a man like this.

Thanks so much for all the replies.
We had a discussion two nights ago. It got heated but he said he'd stop and seek medical help.
Yesterday he was so nice to me.
Today also. Until this evening, when it got quite late and he turned moody again.

Am I kidding myself that this guy can change or even wants to.

:(

How do you leave someone you've lived with for a long time?

I’d say it’s time to get your ducks in a row. What’s your situation? Do you own a property? Rent together? Joint bank account? If you’re financially tied together, you might need to get legal advice on how to split fairly. Look at what you can afford on your own. You can go to entitledto.com and see what benefits you might get (don’t forget there’s a 25% reduction on council tax if you live on your own). You don’t have to follow through with it but at least you’ll be prepared.
Emotionally it’s difficult, especially when you hope someone will change, go back to who they were when they met you. I waited and clung on for years. Turns out my XH wasn’t the person I thought I’d married and he used his low mood as an excuse to treat me like crap. Your DP only managed 48 hours before he was awful to you again. I know he’s said he’ll seek help but I would set an internal deadline and if it doesn’t happen by then, move on. He’s not motivated to do it for himself, sadly he may not make that much progress. You deserve to be treated well!

You are very foolish.

Wasting your life on this whiney loser.

Of course his family want you to marry him, then he is your problem.

Who cares what is wrong with him.

He is not a project for you to fix.

He is not a man to ever inflict on children.

Organise to rent a room somewhere and get the hell out of there.

Lots of people leave relationships there is no special 'plan' or 'how to do it' although @ThisWormHasTurned has some good points about priorities. You just have to want to leave and then make it happen (whatever that entails) or you could choose to support a moaning out of work man who is unpleasant to you for the rest of your life

Look if you want somebody to give you permission to leave I'm happy to give it. You will be so much happier without this awful moaning chap in your life. I think it's boiled frog syndrome - you're so used to it that you don't realise how awful it is. Imagine a life with somebody else who is postive and fun. Of course quitting his job in a month is going to make it much worse as you'll be supporting him in every sense of the word and he is planning on moving out?