I do most childcare

ftmquestions · 2023-06-08T06:56:54+00:00

I've just had my period despite ebf and feeling very emotional/hormonal. Not sure if it's just the sleep deprivation but feeling a bit resentful that I look after my partner and it's 4 month old baby. I've done every Night Shift and every settling to go to sleep, almost every nappy change, feeding (obviously) etc. My bf is working full time and I'm on mat leave so seems fair. But it's starting to take its toll, especially when I was so exhausted having my (very heavy) period while ebf. We started to sleep in different rooms because he snores and comes to bed at 2am it meant I just didn't sleep at all, and I was obviously the only one waking up to do the nights. I've had conversations with my bf about it and he has agreed to give me some time in the mornings to go and exercise 3x a week (but often this can't happen because of his work commitments and because I haven't slept). Is this childcare set up the same as others with a young baby who's partner is working? He didn't have any paternity leave so I've done everything since day 1 and when i ask eg if Im particularly exhausted to help me settle her he seems so flustered by it and sighs/doesn't know how to settle her properly that I just take over anyway. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to start to find this share of workload unfair despite the fact he is working full time. It's gotten to the point where I'm going to cut my mat leave short so that I can go back to work for a break. He also pays for everything as he earns considerably more money than me. But I'd rather contribute financially and have a bit of help. However, that's hard with minimal money coming in on maternity. I feel like I can't really ask for more help when he's paying and working. I just feel exhausted and not sure if this is just me being hormonal and unreasonable

Itsanotherhreatday · 08/06/2023 07:59

His full time work consists of coffee breaks lunch and travel time - you on the other hand are working 24/7 no breaks no lunch time and no good nights sleep.

Hoe does that sound fair and why are you questioning it?

He needs to look after you.

Original poster

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 07:59

My partner and i's/ mine and my partners*

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 08/06/2023 08:01

My answer to this depends on what the set up is going to be after your mat leave.

I did every night feed, nappy change, literally EVERYTHING, while on mat leave but i knew i wasnt going back to my job and was gonna be a SAHM. So it was more important my husband slept cos he was going to the office every day.

If you intend to go back to work then he needs to help out by getting up etc.

Original poster

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 08:01

The other thing I should say is that he has his own business and is working flat out so I feel guilty even asking for help knowing how stressed he is :-( but when I pointed out some of the freedoms he has such as driving without a baby, being able to just make appointments without having to ask me first (whereas for me, even going to the dentist involves rearranging of plans, asking him etc) he didn't understand

OP posts:

Original poster

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 08:02

Dacadactyl · 08/06/2023 08:01

My answer to this depends on what the set up is going to be after your mat leave.

I did every night feed, nappy change, literally EVERYTHING, while on mat leave but i knew i wasnt going back to my job and was gonna be a SAHM. So it was more important my husband slept cos he was going to the office every day.

If you intend to go back to work then he needs to help out by getting up etc.

Yes i do intend on going back to work, and I am looking forward to it!

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 08/06/2023 08:03

Not sure what ebf means, is it exclusively breastfed? Will baby take a bottle of expressed milk?

Original poster

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 08:04

Dacadactyl · 08/06/2023 08:03

Not sure what ebf means, is it exclusively breastfed? Will baby take a bottle of expressed milk?

Yes and yes

OP posts:

NoPicklesplease · 08/06/2023 08:05

Personally my view on this it depends on the temperament of the baby

My DD is currently 4 months and I do everything but she is an easy baby. She only poos once every 4 days (so not loads of dirty nappy changes) naps consistently 4 times a day for 1.5 hours in her cot so I get down time and she sleeps 8-8 and has done since 8 weeks. So I don’t mind DH not doing the nights as there are on nights if you get what I mean.

Original poster

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 08:06

The other thing that .. frustrates me .. is that he can eg just go and have a shower. Whereas I have to say, I'm going to have a shower now, do you mind looking after the baby for 5 mins is that ok, I'll be as quick as I can etc. If she's asleep, i carry the baby monitor and take it to the toilet with me for example. He doesn't do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 08:07

NoPicklesplease · 08/06/2023 08:05

Personally my view on this it depends on the temperament of the baby

My DD is currently 4 months and I do everything but she is an easy baby. She only poos once every 4 days (so not loads of dirty nappy changes) naps consistently 4 times a day for 1.5 hours in her cot so I get down time and she sleeps 8-8 and has done since 8 weeks. So I don’t mind DH not doing the nights as there are on nights if you get what I mean.

She's a pretty easy baby in the grand scheme of things in fairness but even the easiest baby can be mentally exhausting to look after 24/7. Especially when she was a newborn - had a traumatic birth and was doing everything while still recovering from a surgical wound

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sleepsforwimps1 · 08/06/2023 08:07

You will do a lot of the hard work OP, that's how it is unfortunately, especially ebf. As baby gets older and he can do more feeding etc then make sure he does. We have four DC, youngest is ten months and the first few months until they sleep properly are hard. Have a chat with him and explain that baby is his responsibility aswel as yours and that when he's not at work he needs to be helping with other stuff. For instance, my DH didn't feed whilst I was bf but he did every bath time. I got ten mins for a hot brew and he got time to bond with baby. There are ways of doing it. It will get easier and sleep does get better

NoPicklesplease · 08/06/2023 08:09

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 08:07

She's a pretty easy baby in the grand scheme of things in fairness but even the easiest baby can be mentally exhausting to look after 24/7. Especially when she was a newborn - had a traumatic birth and was doing everything while still recovering from a surgical wound

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As was I. I think it’s easy to underestimate how hard it is to work and be exhausted. I don’t consider looking after DD work, I also don’t agree with PP that commuting is down time. Unless you’re a shit driver, you need to pay attention and it’s quite exhausting driving for long periods.

Do you get out much? We have groups every day and a good network of mum friends, it has helped with the mental load of maternity leave

toomuchlaundry · 08/06/2023 08:09

Can’t he do nappy changes during the day whilst he is at home? They were DH’s domain when he was awake and at home, to give me a break from them! To be fair he also did some at night and settle DS to give me some extra sleeping time between feeds.

Divorcedalongtime · 08/06/2023 08:10

My (now ex) partner did the first night feed, which he stayed up for while j went to sleep. Nappies we shared.

Gamechanger82 · 08/06/2023 08:12

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nordicrain · 08/06/2023 08:12

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 08:06

The other thing that .. frustrates me .. is that he can eg just go and have a shower. Whereas I have to say, I'm going to have a shower now, do you mind looking after the baby for 5 mins is that ok, I'll be as quick as I can etc. If she's asleep, i carry the baby monitor and take it to the toilet with me for example. He doesn't do that.

Stop doing that then. Just tell him - I'm going to go have a shower and hanbd him the baby/ baby monitor. Why are you asking and fussing?

Mine were both ebf and as a result I did all the night wakings. I would wake up any way and need to feed, and I couldn't fall back asleep if DH was sorting the baby, so for me there was no benefit to getting DH up too. But we did a couple of things - 1) DH would stay up late with the babies. So I would go to bed early, say 8, and then he would stay up till about midnight when the babies needed a feed and bring them up to me. That would mean I would have a good block of sleep with no interuptions. 2) DH would get up with the babies so I would have a little more sleep. Obviously this depended on when and whether DH had work, but once the babies started being more settled in the evenings and waking early he would get up with them at, say, 6 and I would sleep till he had to leave for work at 7:30.

But when we were both around and awake there was no question that if I needed to do something he would look after the baby, there was no way I was asking him or taking the monitor with me.

Hazelnuttella · 08/06/2023 08:13

When I was on maternity leave, when DH was at work, I looked after the baby.

When we were both home (evenings and weekends) we shared things. So one of us looked after the baby, the other one cooked, cleaned etc.

I breastfed the baby and went to bed at 7pm. DH kept baby downstairs with a bottle until 11pm so I could have some sleep alone.

You both deserve equal leisure time. Evenings and weekends he should be looking after the baby as much as possible. Surely he’ll want to be making up for all the time he’s not seen the baby while he’s been at work.

And I do mean looking after - not playing with the baby for a few minutes and handing it back when it gets a bit grumpy or has a dirty nappy. Obviously will need to give to you for feeds.

I found being at work much easier than looking after a baby. You can sit and have a coffee in peace, go for a wee whenever you fancy.

Nephthys21 · 08/06/2023 08:14

I think you both need to recognise that having a child means having responsibility for things 24/7 regardless of whether you work or not. I work a stressful job and my husband works evenings, so he looks after our daughter during the day, then goes to work, while I work all day and then have to do dinner/bed time. You don't stop having parenting responsibilities just because you work. Even if he can't look after baby just now, he could be having play times with her at the weekend so you can shower/rest and he can be doing household tasks when he gets home in the evening.

PlainJanePerfect · 08/06/2023 08:14

NoPicklesplease · 08/06/2023 08:05

Personally my view on this it depends on the temperament of the baby

My DD is currently 4 months and I do everything but she is an easy baby. She only poos once every 4 days (so not loads of dirty nappy changes) naps consistently 4 times a day for 1.5 hours in her cot so I get down time and she sleeps 8-8 and has done since 8 weeks. So I don’t mind DH not doing the nights as there are on nights if you get what I mean.

I had one of those not pooing often babies and while it was convenient, it lead to problems and a prolapse. Read up on chronic constipation in that age group. We are now working for every other day and super soft to retrain the bowel.

PlainJanePerfect · 08/06/2023 08:15

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 08:06

The other thing that .. frustrates me .. is that he can eg just go and have a shower. Whereas I have to say, I'm going to have a shower now, do you mind looking after the baby for 5 mins is that ok, I'll be as quick as I can etc. If she's asleep, i carry the baby monitor and take it to the toilet with me for example. He doesn't do that.

That's what i conveyed to mine. He just showered whenever he wanted while I either had to ask him or leave the baby unattended. Him strutting in there really pissed me off!

YukoandHiro · 08/06/2023 08:16

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 08:06

The other thing that .. frustrates me .. is that he can eg just go and have a shower. Whereas I have to say, I'm going to have a shower now, do you mind looking after the baby for 5 mins is that ok, I'll be as quick as I can etc. If she's asleep, i carry the baby monitor and take it to the toilet with me for example. He doesn't do that.

This is normal and very hard. The transition to being a mum is huge psychologically and so much more changes for you than the dad on mat leave.

But things do restore themselves - as long as you work hard to fight for some time to yourself. It's much easier after age 1.

I now have an almost 6yo and a 2yo and I work 4 days a week and we share most childcare/ school runs etc fairly evenly. We have to do a lot of diary planning but we both get time off. I feel a lot happier and more myself now, but this has been a long transition process and careful planning (mainly by me) to get to where we are now.

NoPicklesplease · 08/06/2023 08:18

PlainJanePerfect · 08/06/2023 08:14

I had one of those not pooing often babies and while it was convenient, it lead to problems and a prolapse. Read up on chronic constipation in that age group. We are now working for every other day and super soft to retrain the bowel.

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She isn’t constipated. Her stools are soft and the doctors are happy with her

NoPicklesplease · 08/06/2023 08:19

PlainJanePerfect · 08/06/2023 08:15

That's what i conveyed to mine. He just showered whenever he wanted while I either had to ask him or leave the baby unattended. Him strutting in there really pissed me off!

Show quote history

What’s wrong with leaving the baby unattended? The martyrdom on here is staggering at times

TheSecretDoor · 08/06/2023 08:22

The only thing he can't do is breastfeed the baby but he can do everything else. Firstly stop asking if you can go for a shower, tell him you are going for a shower and stop telling him you will be quick. This sets it up that this is something awful, that being responsible for your baby is a difficult task no one wants.

Do not take the baby monitor into the bathroom with you, that baby has another parent. Stop rescuing because he struggles to settle the baby. Let him learn how to do it, if the crying upsets you leave the house.

Just because your bf works does not stop him parenting his child, it isn't childcare, it is parenting. Your job is just as exhausting as his and you are recovering from growing a baby inside of you. When he is home you are both on duty, not just you. He should be changing nappies, stop doing everything yourself.

MissTrip82 · 08/06/2023 08:23

I always wonder what these men think working women do. Especially women with vastly more demanding jobs than him.

the answer is: we get up during the night.

We both shared things like this as we both work in a job that involves resuscitating people for a living. Work is most definitely not a ‘break’ - I really do wish people would realise there are many jobs in which nobody is sitting having a coffee - but our parenting responsibilities need to be shared regardless.