I do most childcare

[ftmquestions]

I've just had my period despite ebf and feeling very emotional/hormonal. Not sure if it's just the sleep deprivation but feeling a bit resentful that I look after my partner and it's 4 month old baby. I've done every Night Shift and every settling to go to sleep, almost every nappy change, feeding (obviously) etc. My bf is working full time and I'm on mat leave so seems fair. But it's starting to take its toll, especially when I was so exhausted having my (very heavy) period while ebf. We started to sleep in different rooms because he snores and comes to bed at 2am it meant I just didn't sleep at all, and I was obviously the only one waking up to do the nights. I've had conversations with my bf about it and he has agreed to give me some time in the mornings to go and exercise 3x a week (but often this can't happen because of his work commitments and because I haven't slept). Is this childcare set up the same as others with a young baby who's partner is working? He didn't have any paternity leave so I've done everything since day 1 and when i ask eg if Im particularly exhausted to help me settle her he seems so flustered by it and sighs/doesn't know how to settle her properly that I just take over anyway. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to start to find this share of workload unfair despite the fact he is working full time. It's gotten to the point where I'm going to cut my mat leave short so that I can go back to work for a break. He also pays for everything as he earns considerably more money than me. But I'd rather contribute financially and have a bit of help. However, that's hard with minimal money coming in on maternity. I feel like I can't really ask for more help when he's paying and working. I just feel exhausted and not sure if this is just me being hormonal and unreasonable

Going against the grain of 'its normal', I dont think he is doing enough. When he is at home, he is an equal parent. So at weekends and holidays you both say that you're going for a shower etc so the other one knows they're on duty. If the baby takes a bottle ok and he doesnt go to bed til 2am anyway then yes he should be doing some night feeds. And if you ask him to settle her for a break he should be able to do this. I ebf and my baby didnt take a bottle and my husband still managed some night settling, took over with the baby a lot in the evenings, took them out lots of walks so I could nap, did most nappy changes and bath times when he was home, spent plenty of time alone with the baby on weekends while working. The 'but he works' excuse is just an excuse as all these things will still need to be done when you're both back at work. Make sure he does more as it can be hard to get out of being the default parent once you've slipped into that role.

Some people don't want to leave a few week old baby alone, especially when there are two people able to keep an eye. My point was DP would always assume I'm keeping an eye and go shower. I'd have to ask him and he'd have have to huff and stop what he was doing. He was studying at the time but the dynamic wasn't nice when it came to that.

You absolutely should be sharing the load between you in the evenings and weekends, and getting equal downtime. If he gets flustered and doesn't know what to do with HIS child, he clearly needs more practice!

I EBF and didn't mind doing the night time nappies since I was awake anyway, but if baby didn't settle quickly after feeding and changing then I'd wake DH up to take over. He also did most bath times, cooked dinner and/or tidied the kitchen, took them swimming every Saturday morning, often took them for evening walks and cuddled and played with them frequently.

There seems to be this view that working men can never be tired from nighttime childcare. God forbid their new baby disturbs their sleep. Tough shit. It’s a partnership. No decent man should want to see his partner exhausted and depleted for the benefit of his own well-being. The mother’s health is most important at this short phase. Unless he’s an air traffic controller or a surgeon, a bit of tiredness won’t kill him.

And yes, stop bloody fussing and doing everything for him. You’ll regret it even more as times goes on. If he’s struggling and sighing - again, sorry, but tough. He has to learn how to parent. I know it’s frustrating seeing your baby not as comfortable as she would be with you, but walk away and let him make his own mistakes and bond with her.

The more he takes ownership at this point, the better his bond will be with her later.

Even if he works - it’s not 24/7 so no reason he couldn’t do parenting in the mornings before work and after work? He’d have to do it if you’re out for the evening or a weekend away with friends.

Im a nurse, I'd still consider work a break

Stop enabling it.

Tell him you're having a shower and don't apologise, it's a basic need.
Don't take the monitor to the toilet.
Stop saying ''helping'', this is his baby too. It's parenting.
He'll never learn how to settle her if you jump in every time, you had to work it out and so does he.
If she'll take a bottle, make sure he's doing at least one feed a day.
Leave him alone with the baby.

Working doesn't excuse him from parenting, many people do both.

This is what having a wee baby is about. It means you centre your life around the baby to start with. It seems a huge shame to me that you are wasting your precious time with this wonderful tiny new human being feeling resentful towards your OH. This time will not come again ... it will pass in a flash.

If you have a child, then appointments do have to be planned round child care ... that will be the case for many years to come ... it simply goes with the territory. It is not a reason to be resentful.of your OH ... unless he is refusing to help accommodate this.

New parenthood is very full on and that is not your OHs fault. It is just a fact of life ...

It will be the case that you have become efficient at caring for your baby because he is out at work and you have developed ways to do things efficiently. So he will feel out of his depth a bit.

I hear that you want him to step up a bit more, so you need to try and discuss this rationally with him and not in an accusatory/resentful way. You are both struggling to adapt to a hugely changed life and are in it for the long haul so need to try and get off on the right foot. Be specific about what you need him to do ... otherwise he is groping in the dark and just getting waves of resentment whilst not knowing quite what to do. Would you like him to do a night feed with expressed milk? ... give expressed milk in the mornings so you can have a lie in? ... take baby for a walk at weekends so you can have a shower in peace? He will seem a bit bumbling to start with, just as you were, so cut him a bit of slack and don't stand over him and criticise .. encourage rather than criticise.

It is hard ... having a new baby is hard. But you need to be the team that will nurture this new person into the future. You need to accept that a lot of the child care will fall to you if he is working more hours than you ... it would be the same for him if you were out working more hours.

You have not yet got into a routine together and this can only be achieved with goodwill not resentment. Put that aside and be clear and positive about what you need from him and how you see the future together as a family.

It is so sad that you can't wait to return to work. I know you are knackered and hormonal but this time will not come again.

Ditch the resentment and clearly and calmly explain whet your needs are and come up with a shared plan. There is no hint.in your posts that he is an unreasonable man. Remember that your resentment is largely about the things you cannot do at the moment ... it is not about him.

Please try and move forward in a positive way ... this is the rest of your lives and there will be lots of hurdles to come that you will need to tackle as a team.

This.

If you never go out without the baby and leave him alone with her even for 30 minutes just for a walk on your own then don't expect him to learn to look after her until she much older.

Oh and when you go back to work make sure he does a least one of the childcare drop offs/pick ups for each day you work. Regardless of his employment situation he can arrange his working day around it like you have to.

Im not seething with resentment 24/7, I just had another rough nights sleep and feel exhausted/burnt out/still recovering from birth (pelvic floor issues) and this morning can't help but wonder whether this set up is normal. My work would only be 2 days a week (long shifts) but yes i can be frustrated and still not wishing away my babies early years obviously!

Oh and BTW some men have to be told to look after their first child because they are scared and the mother does everything for the baby. They then need to left alone to get on with it without you hovering.

Right now for example, he is having a lie in and I've had 4 hours sleep because baby was up at 2 (which was when dp went up to sleep, he says things like "oh is she still it settling :/ I'm sorry" but doesn't help unless explicitly asked) and again at 6, by which time i just got up.

Still not settling*

I would wake him up now and say you need a rest so can he watch the baby

It’s hard OP I sympathise. I remember a few ‘who’s more tired’ arguments with DH when we had newborns! I always felt I drew the short straw being home with the baby all day but I remember DH coming in from work once and he looked absolutely shattered too and I realised actually work isn’t the ‘easy’ option either.
I would be explicit about what you need- an hour to yourself when DH gets home from work, DH to give an expressed bottle between your bedtime and his so you get a longer sleep. Yes in an ideal world he would work that out but you’re both new to this so he may need some direction.
If you can see he’s slogging his guts out working I wouldn’t resent him too much but make sure weekends and evenings you get a break too!

Stop taking over, let him learn to do it.

Yea I think I did all the childcare. I was EBF too so of course did over night. My husband worked long hours. He was out of the house 7-8pm most days, baby would be in bed by the time he got home. On weekends he did change nappies and have cuddles and took care of baby if I needed a nap though, and also did the cooking.
What helped was having a strict bedtime routine so at about three months my baby would reliably go to sleep at about 7.30pm, I would wake him for a feed about 11pm before i went to bed, he would wake up again at some point and then of course morning. But it meant I was only up once in the night. This also worked with my refluxy second baby who took longer to get into the routine but perseverance worked.

Poke him and say ‘I’m tired, take baby’

then hand over the child and go to sleep

Just wanted to add that I also EBF but expressed milk for the first night feed. I know expressing can be an added chore but at least I got a few more hours uninterrupted sleep.

I’d be resentful in your situation too. It isn’t what it’s all about, not if you have a husband who steps up and parents his baby too.

My baby is 6 months and we share everything, though I also went back to work when he was 3 months. Wanting to go back to work isn’t a bad thing either, long maternity leaves aren’t for everyone and that’s ok.

If you're waiting for him to step up and see you're struggling / need a break, you'll be waiting a long time. As PP's have said you need to just do it. "I'm having a shower, take baby" "Popping to the gym, take baby". What fine does he go to bed? Can he do a bottle of expressed milk last thing? My OH did the feeds between 10-1 (his bedtime) so I could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

time not fine

Tbh I didn't want to put that stress on him. The way I saw it was that it was my job to do 99% of childcare and home stuff, I wasn't going back to work etc. It was my role, clearly defined and both of us were happy with it. He brought in the money and I did the majority of everything else.

That's not to say if that baby pooed on a Saturday and he noticed that he wouldn't change it, or if I was knackered he wouldn't get up. But if he was getting ready for work and baby pooed then I'd say "give them here ill do it". I never went away with friends til the kids were like 3 and 9 or something anyway and if I was out for a night then yes, of course he'd do what needed doing. But why "make" him do it when hes getting ready for work, for the sake "fairness" when our set up worked for us and was fair to both of us.

I think a lot of resentment comes from the fact that the roles aren't quite so clearly defined in other people's relationships. If id had to work or whatever, there's no way I'd have been happy with the set up we had.

He doesn't sound as though he is doing enough to me and I'd be resentful too. I agree the way forward is to be more assertive and to just tell him you are going for a shower/out to the gym etc.

It is so hard adjusting to having a baby and it is really tiring. Why does he get to bed so late?

My dh works full time in a highly stressful job, I'm a sahm but he shares the night wakings with me and on weekends we each take a day to lie in. Just because you're on ML doesn't mean you get stuck with everything. I'm a sahm and I don't think I should do everything? I obviously do everything while dh is at work, but when he gets home he gets down to whatever else needs to be done. What happens when you go back. Your useless dp won't know anything?? Sit down and explain that he needs to step up big time. What's his excuse for weekends??