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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I do most childcare

70 replies

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 07:56

I've just had my period despite ebf and feeling very emotional/hormonal. Not sure if it's just the sleep deprivation but feeling a bit resentful that I look after my partner and it's 4 month old baby. I've done every Night Shift and every settling to go to sleep, almost every nappy change, feeding (obviously) etc. My bf is working full time and I'm on mat leave so seems fair. But it's starting to take its toll, especially when I was so exhausted having my (very heavy) period while ebf. We started to sleep in different rooms because he snores and comes to bed at 2am it meant I just didn't sleep at all, and I was obviously the only one waking up to do the nights. I've had conversations with my bf about it and he has agreed to give me some time in the mornings to go and exercise 3x a week (but often this can't happen because of his work commitments and because I haven't slept). Is this childcare set up the same as others with a young baby who's partner is working? He didn't have any paternity leave so I've done everything since day 1 and when i ask eg if Im particularly exhausted to help me settle her he seems so flustered by it and sighs/doesn't know how to settle her properly that I just take over anyway. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to start to find this share of workload unfair despite the fact he is working full time. It's gotten to the point where I'm going to cut my mat leave short so that I can go back to work for a break. He also pays for everything as he earns considerably more money than me. But I'd rather contribute financially and have a bit of help. However, that's hard with minimal money coming in on maternity. I feel like I can't really ask for more help when he's paying and working. I just feel exhausted and not sure if this is just me being hormonal and unreasonable

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/06/2023 09:07

Screamingabdabz · 08/06/2023 08:25

There seems to be this view that working men can never be tired from nighttime childcare. God forbid their new baby disturbs their sleep. Tough shit. It’s a partnership. No decent man should want to see his partner exhausted and depleted for the benefit of his own well-being. The mother’s health is most important at this short phase. Unless he’s an air traffic controller or a surgeon, a bit of tiredness won’t kill him.

And yes, stop bloody fussing and doing everything for him. You’ll regret it even more as times goes on. If he’s struggling and sighing - again, sorry, but tough. He has to learn how to parent. I know it’s frustrating seeing your baby not as comfortable as she would be with you, but walk away and let him make his own mistakes and bond with her.

The more he takes ownership at this point, the better his bond will be with her later.

I agrée with this, and I’m surprised at some of the answers, which are unusual for this type of thread.

He clearly needs to step up more so that you get some rest. Your recovery is really important.

Achwheesht · 08/06/2023 09:07

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Opaque11 · 08/06/2023 09:07

Mischance · 08/06/2023 08:37

This is what having a wee baby is about. It means you centre your life around the baby to start with. It seems a huge shame to me that you are wasting your precious time with this wonderful tiny new human being feeling resentful towards your OH. This time will not come again ... it will pass in a flash.

If you have a child, then appointments do have to be planned round child care ... that will be the case for many years to come ... it simply goes with the territory. It is not a reason to be resentful.of your OH ... unless he is refusing to help accommodate this.

New parenthood is very full on and that is not your OHs fault. It is just a fact of life ...

It will be the case that you have become efficient at caring for your baby because he is out at work and you have developed ways to do things efficiently. So he will feel out of his depth a bit.

I hear that you want him to step up a bit more, so you need to try and discuss this rationally with him and not in an accusatory/resentful way. You are both struggling to adapt to a hugely changed life and are in it for the long haul so need to try and get off on the right foot. Be specific about what you need him to do ... otherwise he is groping in the dark and just getting waves of resentment whilst not knowing quite what to do. Would you like him to do a night feed with expressed milk? ... give expressed milk in the mornings so you can have a lie in? ... take baby for a walk at weekends so you can have a shower in peace? He will seem a bit bumbling to start with, just as you were, so cut him a bit of slack and don't stand over him and criticise .. encourage rather than criticise.

It is hard ... having a new baby is hard. But you need to be the team that will nurture this new person into the future. You need to accept that a lot of the child care will fall to you if he is working more hours than you ... it would be the same for him if you were out working more hours.

You have not yet got into a routine together and this can only be achieved with goodwill not resentment. Put that aside and be clear and positive about what you need from him and how you see the future together as a family.

It is so sad that you can't wait to return to work. I know you are knackered and hormonal but this time will not come again.

Ditch the resentment and clearly and calmly explain whet your needs are and come up with a shared plan. There is no hint.in your posts that he is an unreasonable man. Remember that your resentment is largely about the things you cannot do at the moment ... it is not about him.

Please try and move forward in a positive way ... this is the rest of your lives and there will be lots of hurdles to come that you will need to tackle as a team.

What absolutely nonsense. This isn't a wee little 5yo that needs to be spoonfed about how to take care of his own child?! What about op, she had to figure it out. I feel its attitude like yours that puts pressure on women to just carry on and break.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 08/06/2023 09:08

XDH was like this from day 1, and it didn’t change. He never stepped up as a father, never changed a nappy, as they grew up he never took them out without me (or even with us as a family very much). Basically he was a crap father. I didn’t push him - multiple reasons, all bad. And yes, it has impacted on our children.

If he wants to be a dad, from my experience you need to hand that baby over and leave him to get on with it his way. You owe it to your daughter.

Dacadactyl · 08/06/2023 09:13

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Perhaps but I was never truly exhausted when having babies, but I was really quite young (21 and 26) when I had them, so maybe that had something to do with it. Also, I didn't HAVE to be anywhere so could chill in the day if need be, or rest when they were napping.

Anyway OP has confirmed she's due to go back to work, so my experience is irrelevant in her situation. I would say that he needs to step up if you're going back to work, but if you're only doing 2 days I'd say it's fair you do more of the house/childcare stuff (how much and what seems fair, is up to you tho obviously)

Original poster

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 09:46

To comments saying he's useless - he's absolutely not and I feel guilty even making people think this. I just don't know what the share of labour is meant to look like when one is working full time and the other is at home. It's hard as I'm the only mother out of his friendship group who has EBF past like 2 weeks. I think that tainted the early experiences - he couldn't settle her as I was breastfeeding and she was cluster feeding/just wanted milk/mum and now we've just sort of settled into a pattern where I am the primary parent at all times

OP posts:

piedbeauty · 08/06/2023 09:58

Your p works what? 40 hours a week. You're working many, many more than that, plus recovering from the birth.

Your p should be looking after you.

He also needs to get to know his dc and start working out how to settle her. He sounds useless and wet.

Parker231 · 08/06/2023 10:01

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 09:46

You’re working 24/7 but he only works a 40 hour week? When is he parenting?

Dacadactyl · 08/06/2023 15:25

ftmquestions · 08/06/2023 09:46

It is hard OP, I breastfed til my youngest was 13 months and he wouldnt take a bottle. If your little one will take a bottle, try to get your boyfriend to give expressed milk in that.

Give him a chance to learn what needs doing and help him along with what you've learnt about baby's cues. He will only learn this stuff if you give him the chance to learn it. Have a calm chat with him about it and try to get some more balance because otherwise when you return to work you will be stressed.

Ponderingwindow · 08/06/2023 15:31

Of course it is not ok. When he is not at work, you should be splitting child and household responsibilities. Because of the nature of having an infant and breastfeeding, you are probably going to end up with more child responsibility and less household responsibility, but it shouldn’t all be on you. You can’t always be the primary parent.

user1492809438 · 08/06/2023 16:10

Why do you ask him to look after his child? It's his responsibility. Hand him the baby, say " I'm off for a shower/long bath", and let him step up.

Gamechanger82 · 08/06/2023 16:21

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Gamechanger82 · 08/06/2023 16:23

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Gamechanger82 · 08/06/2023 16:25

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Gamechanger82 · 08/06/2023 16:29

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user147283178789889867 · 08/06/2023 16:37

Is it the same for others...probably. Should it be...no.

I took four months mat leave and my husband worked full time Monday to Friday. He took over the baby care in the evenings when he got in from work so I could make dinner and clean up. He did the night wakings at the weekends. At the time I thought all this was reasonable.

Fast forward four months and I returned to work full time and my husband dropped to part time two days a week. I was then doing half of the night wakings (we alternated) plus the same dinner/clean up in the evenings. Only my husband also wanted me to take the baby every evening as well as he had looked after her all day. I told him he could either have the baby or the housework but no way was he doing nothing!

Point being, working full time absolutely does not mean you don't do anything else. My husband naturally tried to get away with doing proportionately less than me. I personally found being at work a lot easier than being tied to a baby 24/7 and my husband came to realise this as well.

Begonne · 08/06/2023 16:46

Equality means equal rest.

If you’re ebf, he needs to be finding opportunities to help you rest.

At this point of parenting he should be doing everything he would if he were a bachelor - laundry, shopping and cooking - and extending those jobs to include the rest of the household.

Sleep is a health issue. You cannot expect to recover and rebalance your hormones without sleep. If it’s possible to express one bottle he could a last or first feed so that you get 6/7 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Before nuclear families became the norm, mothers were given much more support to rest, feed and recover. It’s absolutely backwards thinking to start calculating labour division by who is earning what at this time. You’re literally sustaining new life.

Tigofigo · 08/06/2023 17:01

Hazelnuttella · 08/06/2023 08:13

When I was on maternity leave, when DH was at work, I looked after the baby.

When we were both home (evenings and weekends) we shared things. So one of us looked after the baby, the other one cooked, cleaned etc.

I breastfed the baby and went to bed at 7pm. DH kept baby downstairs with a bottle until 11pm so I could have some sleep alone.

You both deserve equal leisure time. Evenings and weekends he should be looking after the baby as much as possible. Surely he’ll want to be making up for all the time he’s not seen the baby while he’s been at work.

And I do mean looking after - not playing with the baby for a few minutes and handing it back when it gets a bit grumpy or has a dirty nappy. Obviously will need to give to you for feeds.

I found being at work much easier than looking after a baby. You can sit and have a coffee in peace, go for a wee whenever you fancy.

This.

Everydayimhuffling · 08/06/2023 19:09

OP, if you want him to learn how to settle her and look after her you have to leave him to it. If it helps, remind yourself that it is important for their relationship.

Tell him you are going to shower and take the time. Tell him he gets one weekend lie in and you get one. Tell him you are going to sleep or for a walk and do it.

If you keep jumping back in then you are stopping him from learning. Didn't you have times when you couldn't get the baby to stop crying or you got in a mess with a nappy change? That's how you learned what to do the next time. I'll always be glad that my mum stopped me from helping when it took DP ages to change nappies at the beginning.

billy1966 · 08/06/2023 19:18

My husband has a big job, very busy and he still shared the load with every baby.

With him doing so little, returning to work will be very hard.

He is not getting to know the baby.

You not getting a lie in is so unbelievably selfish.

Do not be rushing into another child.

I think you have a tough time ahead of you.

The longer this continues, the worse your return will be.

Your resentment will only grow.

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