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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else do this - make plans but hope other person cancels?

70 replies

Mum218 · 07/06/2023 19:36

This is something I can’t ask anyone in RL for obvious reasons so asking here. I’m working on myself and had so much support from everyone on here (NC to post this!) I’m in a very dark place so trying to look at my behaviour and trying to change things. I just want to know if this is weird behaviour or if everyone on some level feels like this. Please be as honest as you can:

I make plans with people family and friends but then secretly always hope they cancel or don’t respond. Recently I’ve made plans to have a playdate with DS’s friend and mum (nursery so mum has to stay) but i keep checking my phone and feel relieved she hasn’t replied yet!

I know it’s odd as I instigated the meet-up in the first place I don’t know why I do this. I complain I’m lonely but this thinking and behaviour don’t help! Anyone else gone through a similar thing?

OP posts:
minipie · 07/06/2023 19:39

Not if it’s an established friend that I already know I get on with.

However, with your kind of scenario, a mum you don’t know well, yes I would feel some social anxiety and it would be a bit of a relief if it got cancelled. Although I would then feel sad about my lack of social life! Similar to your complaining about feeling lonely.

HyperionWarbonnet · 07/06/2023 19:40

Yes. It's because we are introverts. I would be happy to never hear another human voice.

We are meeting two family members tomorrow. I would rather eat my own hands but we've been putting it off for years and push has come to shove. Looking forward to Friday.

purpleme12 · 07/06/2023 19:40

No I don't.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 07/06/2023 19:41

I do too. I am so bloody tired with three kids and a full on career. I do tend to enjoy it when I turn up but feel utterly drained afterwards. My favourite friends are the ones who I know are my friends in principle but rarely have to see or speak to 😂

concernedalot · 07/06/2023 19:47

It's an introvert thing. You want to have friends and enjoy their company, but when the time comes to meet up you feel overwhelmed at the thought of it, but still like the person. I often get relieved when people cancel, on saying that though, if they don't, I still go through with the meeting because i'm not the sort of person who cancels plans and lets people down because I hate it when it's done to me. When I go to said meeting/social event, I sort of dread it beforehand, but normally I end up enjoying it for the most part and pat myself on the back that i've made the effort to be sociable.

Original poster
Mum218 · 07/06/2023 19:51

That’s interesting. I do see myself as an introvert. My DH is an introvert but doesn’t instigate meet-ups or even feel lonely! That’s why I sometimes think I’m not an introvert as I WANT a social life but feel exhausted trying to get one.

OP posts:
Zuyi · 07/06/2023 19:55

No! But I get the impression that other people do it. But then I thought I was being paranoid because why would anyone do that? I mean, seriously. Just don't make plans to catch up if you don't want to!

Now I'm confused. If I sense someone doesn't want yo catch up even if they're asking to catch up, should I cancel as a kindness to them? 🙃

Original poster
Mum218 · 07/06/2023 19:59

@Zuyi sorry if this post made you paranoid! Not my intention. I’m sure I’m the only weirdo who thinks like this. If it’s any consolation I do actually want to meet these people but I start to feel anxious days leading up to it about what to talk about and what to wear (I know ridiculous)

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 07/06/2023 20:00

I always thought I was a total extrovert but reading these replies makes me wonder if I'm an undercover introvert (undercover in the sense that even I didn't know it 😅)

I'm always the one who makes all the plans and I love it when I do go out, but I'm secretly constantly relieved when stuff is cancelled

Zuyi · 07/06/2023 20:05

It sounds as though a lot of people do it!

But as my sister says, if people are going to go around issuing invitations, it serves them right if you accept.

MadamWhiteleigh · 07/06/2023 20:06

HyperionWarbonnet · 07/06/2023 19:40

Yes. It's because we are introverts. I would be happy to never hear another human voice.

We are meeting two family members tomorrow. I would rather eat my own hands but we've been putting it off for years and push has come to shove. Looking forward to Friday.

This is so interesting to me. What is it you don’t like about meeting these family members? Is it tiring or boring or worrying?

You don’t have to answer, I’m just curious!

purpleme12 · 07/06/2023 20:07

Zuyi · 07/06/2023 20:05

It sounds as though a lot of people do it!

But as my sister says, if people are going to go around issuing invitations, it serves them right if you accept.

It doesn't really matter because so many just don't turn up or bail out just before anyway

Watchthedoormat · 07/06/2023 20:07

I make plans and instigate meeting up with people even though I don't really want to.
I enjoy the feeling that I have plans rather than the meeting up which I don't really enjoy and I love being cancelled on or friend being busy the day I'm free.
When I do meet up with a friend I do enjoy it but look forward to getting back home and I feel like I can tick the meet up off my 'to-do' list and I'm free for another few weeks.

Fifiellz · 07/06/2023 20:08

Yes I do this and Im an introvert.

For me it's that I love the idea of seeing friends, meeting up etc next week/month so I will happily organise.

But then on the actual day I can't be bothered and feel like I would rather veg on the sofa with DH in my pj's (like every other day) Dread it all day, make the effort to go and have a great time!

Then do it all over again.

NotStayingIn · 07/06/2023 20:13

Are you afraid of rejection? That might sound counterintuitive, but when they then cancel, it confirms a deep-held belief that people reject you, which is then subconsciously comforting as things are happening as you expect them to.

JaffaCake70 · 07/06/2023 20:13

I always hope people will cancel but it's never me that arranges to meet up.

I have a very busy life and just don't have the spare time for 'catch ups'. When I do have rare spare time I would rather spend it with my DH and/or (grown up) DC, or doing something productive by myself (sorting clothes for charity shop or suchlike).

I do allow myself to be pressured into meeting up with certain friends and relatives from time to time but I'm so over it these days. I just can't be bothered with small talk and generally spend the meeting wondering how soon is not too rude to make my excuses and leave.

I think I've become very antisocial as I've got older.. and I quite like it!

Original poster
Mum218 · 07/06/2023 20:15

@NotStayingIn thats interesting. I didn’t want to post on my old username so as not to skew the responses but that’s something I’ve discussed before

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum218 · 07/06/2023 20:16

It’s kind of reassuring to hear these responses!

OP posts:
Elphame · 07/06/2023 20:16

All the time!

Original poster
Mum218 · 07/06/2023 20:17

@JaffaCake70 im exactly the same. I will keep thinking how quickly I can leave!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum218 · 07/06/2023 20:18

Anyone got advice on how I can overcome this? I genuinely WANT friends and a social life. Right now I have no friends, just people I randomly meet for coffee or play dates. It’s embarrassing when I had no one to call on my 30th birthday! I wanted a meal out but couldn’t really contact anyone (or so I felt I couldn’t)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum218 · 07/06/2023 20:19

40th birthday! I turned 40 a year and half ago. Spent it with just DH and the kids but would have liked a bit more fuss

OP posts:
Lifeisrelentless · 07/06/2023 20:20

Yes! Or I’ll say “we should do something soon” but if it came to actually arranging it I’d be pretty anxious and not really want to unless it was one of my close friends. I think like you I do want a social life, but the reality of it makes me really anxious. I definitely have some level of social anxiety.

SummerSimmer · 07/06/2023 20:22

I never do this, my friends are a really big part of my life. I realised this as my DC got older and now I am always initiating meet ups and I really hope they don’t get cancelled.

heyyellowyellow · 07/06/2023 20:27

I read this with interest because I often feel like this… and through counselling I’ve learned that it’s anxiety, rather than being an introvert.

I think it’s a misconception that all introverts don’t like being around people - many of them do! It’s just that after the time spent with others, having quiet time to decompress is really important. I’m an introvert - and a very sociable one - but it’s my anxiety that often makes me feel very relieved when a friend cancels plans, particularly when the plan is just for me and one friend… I always feel such pressure to have things to talk about, forgetting that the other person has an equal part in carrying the conversation too. Plans with a group though? That’s a different story and I would be disappointed if they were cancelled! I can spend time listening and the conversation is shared between the group of us, to me as an introvert, that is perfect.