Anyone else do this - make plans but hope other person cancels?

[Mum218]

This is something I can’t ask anyone in RL for obvious reasons so asking here. I’m working on myself and had so much support from everyone on here (NC to post this!) I’m in a very dark place so trying to look at my behaviour and trying to change things. I just want to know if this is weird behaviour or if everyone on some level feels like this. Please be as honest as you can:

I make plans with people family and friends but then secretly always hope they cancel or don’t respond. Recently I’ve made plans to have a playdate with DS’s friend and mum (nursery so mum has to stay) but i keep checking my phone and feel relieved she hasn’t replied yet!

I know it’s odd as I instigated the meet-up in the first place I don’t know why I do this. I complain I’m lonely but this thinking and behaviour don’t help! Anyone else gone through a similar thing?

No.

I don't think it has anything to do with introversion, either. it's perfectly possible to be a sociable introvert. I am one. I love seeing people but do require a lot of time alone to recharge afterwards.

I think a lot of posters on Mn call themselves 'introverts', but in fact just struggle with friendships, are socially timid, or just don't much like leaving the house. I'm always struck by the number of posters who get straight into their pyjamas the moment they come in from work, as a declaration that they won't be leaving the house again -- and and prefer this.

Which they are obviously perfectly entitled to do, though I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with introversion.

I don't think it has anything to do with being an introvert.

I'm an introvert but I still respect people's time enough that if we make plans I show up.

If someone knows in advance they can't show up they shouldn't agree.

I get you OP I’m fine when people cancel as life is so busy it’s nice to have a bonus day with no plans. I’m also more than happy to do things on my own, find it less stressful in fact. So often if someone cancels on me then I often still do whatever we were planning to do but on my own and I love it. I’m definitely an introvert. Like someone else said upthread, my favourite friends are ones I can not see or speak to for a long time and they don’t mind!

God, I find this thread really sad

just to point out I NEVER cancel. Even if I’m stressed I make myself go to the arranged meet up. but often feel so much relief when the other person cancels.

@SummerSimmer have u got tips on how I can be more like this? You don’t have to answer but do u think your upbringing had something to do with how at ease you feel? My mum prioritised cleaning over going out and I think I got my anxiety from her.

Yes, I definitely do this and am definitely an introvert.

I get really excited about plans and then feel overwhelmed at the thought of having to go through with it rather than staying home on the sofa with my dog.

I am slightly better this time of year, but in winter I pretty much hibernate.

I think I make the plans because I am trying to convince myself I can do what “normal people “ do. But the truth is, I actually am much happier in my own company. I’m so happy, relieved and grateful when someone cancels.

Another introvert here. Nothing lovelier than when you're really not keen to go out, then the other person cancels, and you can be all regretful but very lovely and understanding about it while putting on your PJs and heading for the sofa with the cat.

I have dropped all the people who keep instigating meetups and then cancel last minute. I don't have time for those mind games.

I do this. I love the relaxed feeling of being with my DH and kids. Other people make me slightly anxious.

I'm also definitely an introvert as I need lots of recharge time.

But I do want friends. Often I enjoy it once I'm there. I never cancel (it's rude!)

I think you have misunderstood. We instigate meet ups and are then relieved when other people cancel. We don’t cancel ourselves.

Should have said, I love my pyjamas! I wfh and always get dressed as it's cameras on but love getting in them (and preferably in bed to watch tv) as soon as work is done and kids are in bed.

Work have a meet up in London next week for people in the UK. I've said I might go. I know really I won't though!

I get that! Just saying though as I have been cancelled on so many times by people who suggest meeting and I am like why?

I’m not much of an introvert and I do it when I’m tired/stressed/overwhelmed. I want to have a social life but I don’t have the energy or gave got into a workoholic cycle and want to work or all time to manage anxiety.

Realising how destructive it was and how much I dislike loosing touch with v good friends has helped me to do it less.

No. The vast majority of the time I am really disappointed and hurt when someone cancels on me. It makes me feel rejected and as if I am not good enough. Occasionally it's a relief if I really need to catch up with work, but I'd rarely be happy to have the opportunity just to stay in. I don't generally make more plans than I have the time and energy for.

Fortunately my friends very rarely cancel, as I do find it quite upsetting.

And actually, I'd probably consider myself fairly introverted.

I usually only feel like this if I don't actually like the person or if I'm intimidated somehow.

I think there's two aspects to this. You need to 1) only make plans with people you genuinely like or want to get to know. Don't do it out of concern you should be more sociable or should do it for any other reasons 2) push your boundaries. The more you do what makes you feel awkward, the less you'll feel awkward.

I'm introverted so I only have a handful of friends who I genuinely like the company of and I stick to them for socialising. In the past I've felt lonely, but never lonely enough to socialise with people I don't feel comfortable with.

I have a flaky friend who makes plans and cancels a lot and it's definitely made me reconsider our friendship. I no longer make an effort with her as she's let me down too many times. I don't trust her to keep an arrangement and never go out of my way to instigate contact now.

I'm the same.
I'm content just hanging out with my hubby and daughter, and my extended family now and again.
I epitomise the 'resentment if you say yes, guilt if you say no' axiom!

Love it when someone cancels. I hate if it the children are involved and disappointed. But if it's just friends catching up for a drink and someone cancels on me, the evening at home then feels like an extra treat. Also an introvert. Love friends and socialising but after 2 hours of it I'm exhausted.

Feeling relieved if someone cancels doesn't go hand in hand with also being the one who cancels plans. I never cancel, just feel relieved when others do.

No. I am an introvert so understand that sometimes we feel pressure to conform, but hope we are given an out.

I have a friend who constantly cancels last minute, or finds excuses if I suggest meeting up. Doesn't work, but doesn't have time apparently (she has plenty,csaw her shopping yesterday). Yet wants to constantly text me her latest hairdo. Only interested in meeting up if she actually has to look after her own DC on school holidays. I've seen her be open & engaging with anyone if she wants something so know she can do it.

It's hurtful and demeaning. So don't engage as friends unless you want to treat the other person respectfully. I barely speak to her now. I can't be bothered. I feel used & hurt.

Yes I do this. Once I have committed to something though, I rarely cancel, I am Uber reliable.

I can hear myself saying this to my sister while on my way out "oh I'm off to see so n so, wish I wasn't going but I booked it so have to go" I say this A LOT! Always have a nice time though. I'd really like to know the psychology of it because I really don't understand it.

I do and also an introvert, I also find that social things exhaust me!

Gosh, in so much agreement with so many of these posts!

@Izzabird What is it then? I genuinely love to get home, get in my pjs and shut the world out

I agree to plans because I'm up for it at the time of agreement and then pray they cancel when they day comes and I cba. But it I knew i didn't want to do something I wouldn't make plans, that's odd

I started realising only a couple of years ago that my default answer to anything and everything is "No". If I'm with other people I'm a sociable person, more talkative than most, don't find it hard talking to people I don't know, can always make conversation flow even with people that aren't naturally as open and conversational however - I have a lot of interests that I much prefer to sped my time on - people think I'm a very sociable - I can easily be but actually I'm very happy on my own doing the things I like to do - lockdown was a happy time for me - I'd be happy if I saw no one for months. Having said all this - I've discovered there is something to be said for trying to say "Yes" to as many things as possible - it brings a certain amount of uncertainty into my life - I've realised - and aid for years - that it's a good thing to embrace the real world as it really is - it's an uncertain existence - sh!t happens - lots of things happen that might impact us to a more or a lesser extend - it's a good thing to get used to accepting that - and - if possible - to learn to make the most of the things that uncertainty brings into your life - that stuff is the actual stuff of life - if you're not letting uncontrolled randomness into your life - I don't think you're making the most of this short precious life that you have. It's with hindsight that I've realised that you can find positives in almost all of the uncertainties of life - so while my first instinct is still to turn down an invitation to meet up with people - could be friends of my wife - even my own friends - usually I get something unexpectedly good from going. I now check if I'm just saying no as a matter or habit or because of my intrinsic nature - and make myself consider saying yes - I'm finding it - overall - a positive to say yes instead of no. Maybe you could think about yourself and if you could be more positive about embracing the idea of following through with these meet-ups even if it means going somewhat against what might be your nature or your habit of wishing others would cry off. HTH

With these particular ones, I find them irritating and a bit rude. They both speak over you constantly and have no genuine interest in what is going on in our lives. They are hard work.
To be fair, we have both had to deal with some very bad stuff over the last few years and it's really hard hearing people moaning about trivial things when we have both had to fight to stay alive. The last time we met them, we had only arranged to meet the husband as he has a hobby in common with DH. She tagged on at the last minute due to FOMO but DH was not long out of intensive care. She had the full on flu and didn't care that she might pass it on!
I find people more and more irritating as I've aged. I have no bandwidth anymore. I am getting better now from a disabling condition I have had for years. I am interested to see if my mood improves : )