Anyone else do this - make plans but hope other person cancels?

[Mum218]

This is something I can’t ask anyone in RL for obvious reasons so asking here. I’m working on myself and had so much support from everyone on here (NC to post this!) I’m in a very dark place so trying to look at my behaviour and trying to change things. I just want to know if this is weird behaviour or if everyone on some level feels like this. Please be as honest as you can:

I make plans with people family and friends but then secretly always hope they cancel or don’t respond. Recently I’ve made plans to have a playdate with DS’s friend and mum (nursery so mum has to stay) but i keep checking my phone and feel relieved she hasn’t replied yet!

I know it’s odd as I instigated the meet-up in the first place I don’t know why I do this. I complain I’m lonely but this thinking and behaviour don’t help! Anyone else gone through a similar thing?

I find my extroverted friends are the worst for doing this as they double book themselves!

Those of you who are pleased when someone cancels....

You must be much more confident/secure in some ways than me and care less about what other people think of you. Do you not worry when people cancel that they don't really want to be friends? That they don't really value your company? That you are not good enough? Don't you care?

Being cancelled doesn't make me feel safe and happy and secure at home. It makes me worry about myself and my relationships with other people.

Admittedly I have a problem with this! I'm interested by all these people whose minds work in a completely different way to mine.

@mast0650

No to all of those. Maybe it’s an age thing

A knowledge of self worth comes from within. I don’t seek validation from other people.

I think this is quite common. It's even a meme....

I hate cancelling/letting people down so sometimes I am a bit relieved if I don't fancy going (it's pouring rain/cold/snow) and someone else pulls the plug.
I don't instigate meetings though with people and hope they cancel as if I can be bothered trying to arrange something I usually suggest something I want to do.

I do know quite a few serial cancellers though. I think they make too many arrangements and then can't cope with them all.

It's the best thing ever. You've made the effort but you don't have to follow through.

In fact my mum has just been literally whooping in delight that a friend she invited over for afternoon tea, forgot to come 😂

Just a homebird, maybe?

I worry when there's a no show that I've got the day (or time) wrong and guest will arrive tomorrow/in an hour.
Unexpected guests are the worst!

Yeah same for me. I don’t ever worry they cancelled because they don’t like me. 😂

I also feel this way a lot, I never cancel as hate letting anyone down but very often feel relieved when other people call off.

When I was younger I hated when anyone cancelled, felt I was missing out, so don’t know if it’s an age thing or just social anxiety creeping up on me.

When I get to things I generally do enjoy them, but somehow seem to have a sort of dread before hand and would be more than happy if the other person cancelled - bit bizarre really but nice to know I’m not totally alone 😊

No to all of those. Maybe it’s an age thing

I'm not young!

Yes. It is the introvert paradox of simultaneously wanting to be a more sociable and friendly person towards people that you like and want to feel appreciated, but also dreading the prospect of the energy loss involved.
The fact you feel the paradox shows you are a reflective and decent individual. Be kind to yourself as you work through these feelings and figure it all out, you are not a bad person, you are just an easily socially tired one.

I bet you are buzzing if y0ur mates move away or work abroad. Off the hook for a few months

You are def not alone 😂 not sure if this pic attached but hopefully 👇

Me too

The story of my life, I'm 65 and probably will never change. Going even out with my kids or to their house I want to cancel. Vivid kept me a home and I loved it.

Yes! This!

JOMO! The joy of missing out!
Yes, this is me. I am an introvert and also have a bit of social anxiety, so it’s the best thing in the world when someone cancels. Like others, I’m always up for whatever it is at the time the plans are made, but when it gets to a few days before, I start hoping someone will cancel. It’s never me though, I would never cancel the plans myself, I just hope someone else will. If they don’t, I go and I pretty much always enjoy myself.
To be honest, I hate plans full stop. If you knocked on my door and said come out and do something right now, most of the time, I would be straight out of the door with you. I just hate planning ahead. Knowing I have to be somewhere at a certain date and time makes me feel trapped somehow. I don’t even like the idea of joining a weekly class or club because then I’m committed on a regular basis. Spontaneity is perfect for me. No time to think, just go out and have a fab time.

@MadMumOfTwoHorrors this is me word for word..spooky!

Yeah but not all things - I absolutely love spending time with my family - but particularly anything that involves small talk, general socialising and alcohol I’m usually quite happy if they are sacked off.

I basically would be happy by myself and in my own company until the end of time, but people generally don’t think this is possible, so I just go along with social expectations 🤷‍♀️