About family who live a long way away coming home

[HeppaHippo]

I live at home with my mother. It's due to limited accommodations and costs. I don't ake advantage of living at home and I help my mother.

There's a situation deleveloping and I can't help but think she being unreasonable.

I have a sibling who is living abroad. He is on another contintent. We don't see each other often due to costs and distance involved. He has a wife and child together too. I love my niece with all my heart. The distance and costs are so very hard. We are lucky if we see each other once every 4 years.

My brother has plans to come on holidays. He would love to stay at home but my mother is being awkward. He and his family will be staying with a friend. They are not rich and can't afford hotel or other traditional holiday stays on top of flights and time off work. They need the help of family and friends. Thank good his friend is stepping up.

There is large spare room at home but my mother is making excuses to not accommodate them.

I feel hurt by this. They are family and she's making no effort for the week that they will be at home. It's a week. If feels as if my mother has demoted my niece - her grandchild and her mother and my brother to be some other type of distance relative instead of closer family. We met the lady before and she's down to earth.

I am actually hurt how they are staying somewhere else instead of coming home because my mother is making excuses about our home. It's an old build but it's livable.

I don't understand this. My niece her grandchild lives across the world. We don't see her and my mother nearly feels heartbroken with the idea of them coming.

My mother already said we can see them by going on the bus into town every day and we can see them that way.

We live a world apart.

AIBU. Hosting them would never fall on her back. I would help. I already helped and bought a bed and bedding on the chance she changes her mind.

Should I keep a relaxed attitude and prepare the house for guests anyways on the off chance once they get here and she sees them,she might change her mind. I don't know if she will change her mind. It seems as if she is resenting my brother's family and she doesn't want them staying at home as a family.

For some reason your mother hates the daughter in law ? - could be it the case? you are her own child .....

shame for your brother and the lovely niece, you seem to be a great rarity between English people who really love dearly relatives like that

We met her before. They invited us into their home in their country and minded us for three weeks. She's a beautiful lady. Through and through. She's very supportive of my brother and she's amazing of I say so myself. He's actually very lucky to have found someone so amazing.

We met her again a few years after that and spent more time with my brother and his wife and child.

There really isn't anything to hate about her. It seems as if she's hated by proxy of being a wife to my brother. Full stop.

Could your mother be dreading the thought of having the family under her roof then having to say goodbye to them. I always find it easier to be the person saying goodbye then coming home to where I live. Family leaving here at the end of a holiday to go back home is far more upsetting.

I think @PollyThePixie may be right.

Don’t stir this up. Be happy to see your visiting family and let your mum handle the situation in the way that she can manage.

She has no problem with just my brother staying and then him going away again.

I don't know if that's it. She's not communicating it. But even if that is it, surely spender time together as a family would help to bring us closer and it would be richer and we would have more memories instead of spending time apart.

I know goodbyes aren't always easy but if she was communicate I could maybe help and make the transition easier. Surely she would have to say goodbye to them anyways. It will be harder when they are in another person's home and we only see them for limted amounts of time before they go again.

If that's her issue - she doesn't want to say goodbye to them and she will find the home too lonely when the leave - why doesn't she say that. Instead she's making excuses about smells and the bed even though there's a new bed frame.

If that's her issue - she doesn't want to say goodbye to them and she will find the home too lonely when the leave - why doesn't she say that. Instead she's making excuses about smells and the bed even though there's a new bed frame

Because it’s too difficult to articulate or even admit to yourself that depth of sadness.

Just out of interest, how often do they keep in touch with your mum?

It's not. My neighbour was in a similar situation recently and she never heald back. She said she loves having visitors but she hates when the go again because it gets too quite. She said it.

If this is truly my mother's position why is better to make them stay somewhere else and hardly see them at all. That doesn't make sense. Whereas there's an opportunity to see her family and spend time with them. In fact if she pushed her family away like this, they would be more inclined not to ever come back again.

They phone phone regularly and my sister in law is great at technology. She's the lady who sends me pictures and I show them to my mother. If it was up to my brother we would only hear from them a few times a year. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

How big is your mums house? Is there enough space to accommodate your brother, SIL, a child and both you and your mum not feel squashed in the house? Is your mum worried about how tidy her house is? How much mess a child will cause? Has your mum stayed in their home abroad and is comparing?

If I was trying to shoehorn into a tiny house- I'd personally prefer to stay in a hotel/friends place to have space, but then enjoy to the time with family. What reason does your mum give for not having them in her home?

Could she be embarrassed about your home? She’s ok with your brother being there because he’s familiar and won’t judge but seems quite intent on keeping his wife and daughter away from the home. If she’s talking about smells etc, maybe she’s worried it won’t be up to scratch or posh enough for your brother’s family?

It's a 4 bed. The rooms are big. The kitchen, bathroom is big. So is the sitting room. The spare room is also big. There is plenty of space and I am sure we wouldn't be all the time at home.

She's a big child now so I don't know how much mess.

We went to them before and at the time they were renting an apartment. It was 2 bed. Probably and 80s build. It was nice place. They made space for us.

They have a new house now. New since about 2019. I wasn't in their new place but i would describe it as cosy. According to the virtual footage I saw.

My sister in law in not a bad person and she's very down to earth.

She's making excuses about all sorts of reasons. The room is not suitable. There's a smell. There is no smell. She's being paranoid with a touch of ocd I reckon. She doesn't have ocd by the way.

How old is your mum?

I think this might be it.

This is very difficult because we don't see them from one end of the year to the next and she's literally rejecting them from our home and to spend as little time with them as possible when they are close by. She wants to control the situation by seeing them in the city for day trips but there's only so much of the city we can see.
The home is not bad.

Early 70s

Have you posted about this before?
If it was you and I remember correctly your Mum seems to have anxiety about the condition of her house and doesn’t want visitors to stay.
Its her house so her choice at the end of the day

When I first read your OP I thought perhaps your mum is embarrassed of the state of the home?

Do your brother and his wife have a more “put together” house? Has your house declined a bit over the years? You say it’s still liveable, which implies it’s not in an amazing state?

Was your mum house proud when you were young?

I think you need a frank conversation to the tune that if she goes ahead and doesn't host then, she risk alternating then and not seeing them again. She has a lot to lose this way and a lot to gain by hosting. You can't build relationships meeting in town centre.

HeppaHippo · Today 08:18
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 08:17

How old is your mum?

“Early 70s”

Hows her health? Is she robust or frail?

You have posted about this before, your mum doesn't want them to see the state of her house if I remember correctly.

At the end of the day, if your mum doesn't want visitors staying for a week (even if it is her son and family) then it is her house and she has the right to say no. I am not sure whty you feel hurt! Your brother is still coming over, you will still see them. Perhaps they can come over to the house for a meal or a quick visit but not actually stay?

This. It's an older build. The house did decline over the years due to poverty when I was small. It's not bad now. 15 years ago when I started working, I paid for a new kitchen and sitting room and bathroom. I know those rooms are not new any more. But it's not bad. My mother neglected the grass and that was overgrown but over the past year I was working on it. The place is looking better than ever. It's just not a show house from a magazine or TV. It doesn't look like neighbours houses where neighbours have garden furniture and blooming flower pots.

She's not frail by any means. She likes to walk every day.

You are doing the right thing in organising beds for them all.
If they stay just two or three nights it will be special.

Tell your mother that you are having them as your guests.

She can't comprehend and she doesn't care. She wants to reject the family from staying at home.

She has a scenario built in her mind that she will meet them every day in the city and she expects me to go along with this. It's just my brother is an earlier riser and none of this is going to work. I had plans a few months ago with my mother to go into the city but she slept through the alarm.

My family will be nearly on our doorstep and we will be lucky if we see them once or twice in a week.

It's stomach churning.