About family who live a long way away coming home

[HeppaHippo]

I live at home with my mother. It's due to limited accommodations and costs. I don't ake advantage of living at home and I help my mother.

There's a situation deleveloping and I can't help but think she being unreasonable.

I have a sibling who is living abroad. He is on another contintent. We don't see each other often due to costs and distance involved. He has a wife and child together too. I love my niece with all my heart. The distance and costs are so very hard. We are lucky if we see each other once every 4 years.

My brother has plans to come on holidays. He would love to stay at home but my mother is being awkward. He and his family will be staying with a friend. They are not rich and can't afford hotel or other traditional holiday stays on top of flights and time off work. They need the help of family and friends. Thank good his friend is stepping up.

There is large spare room at home but my mother is making excuses to not accommodate them.

I feel hurt by this. They are family and she's making no effort for the week that they will be at home. It's a week. If feels as if my mother has demoted my niece - her grandchild and her mother and my brother to be some other type of distance relative instead of closer family. We met the lady before and she's down to earth.

I am actually hurt how they are staying somewhere else instead of coming home because my mother is making excuses about our home. It's an old build but it's livable.

I don't understand this. My niece her grandchild lives across the world. We don't see her and my mother nearly feels heartbroken with the idea of them coming.

My mother already said we can see them by going on the bus into town every day and we can see them that way.

We live a world apart.

AIBU. Hosting them would never fall on her back. I would help. I already helped and bought a bed and bedding on the chance she changes her mind.

Should I keep a relaxed attitude and prepare the house for guests anyways on the off chance once they get here and she sees them,she might change her mind. I don't know if she will change her mind. It seems as if she is resenting my brother's family and she doesn't want them staying at home as a family.

She won't even allow a meal at home. She just doesn't want anyone. The place is not that bad. It's just not a show house.

It’s your Mums house, whatever you or anyone else thinks she does not feel comfortable hosting. Whether that’s due to Anxiety or anything else her feelings are valid and you shouldn’t try and steam roller her.
I agree it’s a shame and it would be nice to have your brother and his family visit but it’s not your place to insist your Mum do something that for whatever reason she really doesn’t want to

Is there a possibility that you can stay in town for the week with a friend? You can't make your DM open her house up, but equally you do seem to be turning this into quite the drama, go without your DM is she's not up in time for the bus.

It's not really hosting though. It's my brother. It's his family home. He doesn't expect to be waited on hand and foot and toured around the place like tourists. It's his family home. There's very little hosting involved. Just a bed and a roof over their heads. I am at home to help too. She doesn't have to dip into her pockets once.

It's so sad that they are coming so close to home and she can't even tolerate even a weekend stay.

They live on the other side of the world and we never get to see them. Even a weekend stay is not a huge hardship.

If she's not up and ready in time, I am not waiting for her nor will I entertain or requests to wait for her. They are only 'home' for a short time.

There's no drama. My mother is not willing to make an effort when her grandchild comes home.

That's gut wrenching.

She won't allow them to stay.
She won't allow a dinner at home.
She will hardly get up for the bus.

She wants things her way or no way at all without factoring in anyone else.

They are spending thousands on tickets to come home just to not be allowed home except for a cup of tea maybe here or there. And what my mother is saying is excuses. The home is looking so much more better.

My decided she wants day trips around the city with them only when the time comes she probably won't even get up. She could at least meet them half way.

I think this is desperately sad and hurtful for you and most especially for your brother, it's unfathomable to be honest. Are there things you could do to make the house more to a standard where this can less readily be used as an excuse? Plant some flowers in the garden, buy some simple garden furniture (second hand if necessary), steam clean the carpets etc. I rarely argue with my mother and try and respect her right to live as she sees fit - and she is very stubborn woman - but there have been hills where I have been prepared to die on and I think this is one for you. It is also YOUR home and your family, surely you get some say? What a foolish woman not to open her home and heart to her own son and his family, even if they were awful you would do it out of a sense of duty.

Honestly screw your mum. You rent an air b&b for you and your brothers family locally. If you can afford to. You stay all together. You go out on trips with them. You make time and effort for them. Sod your mum. If she can’t be bothered to make any effort that’s on her. You enjoy your time with your family and leave your mother to be miserable on her own.
If you can’t afford to rent a place then you get up early and meet them leave your mum in bed. She’s a grown adult capable of making her own decisions. It sounds like she just can’t be arsed to make the effort and that’s on her

I'm sure I've read this thread before. Did you post about this exact same 'issue' before OP?

Why do you care so much that they need to stay in the family home??? You are coming across as very bizarre OP! Its your mums house and your brother is an adult. Let them stay where they like. If you get to seem them when here, then great- that is the main thing- not where they sleep!

Or as a pp said. This is not only her home. It is yours. You paid for a kitchen and bathroom and lounge. You pay rent and bills. This is your home. You tell your mum they are staying and if she doesn’t like it she can move out for the week they are there

My brother and his family are not awful. I knew for months that they have a holiday to come home. I was doing things for months to improve the place. It's looking much better. I'm cutting the grass now every week. There's a lovely new coat stand in the hall that tidys the place up. The place is looking good now.

I'm not willing to get flower pots and garden furniture in the hope of appeasing my mother because it still won't do her.

My brother has a place to stay with a friend any time I mention even a sleepover my mother is writing it off saying they want to stay in the city. I know they want to come home and spend time with us. Not spend more time apart and city meet ups and tours is not what they want.

I know they're not awful! They sound lovely. But my point was that even if they were, then most parents would feel obliged to host their own children and their families, especially when it's so rare and they have gone to the expense of travelling a great distance to get here. I was trying to demonstrate how off kilter your mums stance is. I think it would deeply affect my own relationship with her to be honest. I think you need to talk very very straight to her and give it one last push. Failing that, I like the suggestion of throwing money at it and renting an air b& b for you and your brother and family and she can dip in and out as she sees fit (the old bag!). Sorry, the last was mean, but honestly, her stance is appalling.

This was my thought.

This is it. It's a visit that is so rare.

I was a lot of air bNbs are already booked out. I was pricing some stays for when they are here but they were so expensive. They were too much. It did cross my mind. Get an air bNb any where but it's mid summer. Costs are too much.

I feel sorry you have to deal with this. But maybe you need to see yourself more independently from your mother. She isn't you. You can see your relatives early and every day or maybe even stay over with them. You can make it clear how much you want to see them. I would maybe think in terms of your mother having some sort of problem and maybe you won't be able to understand what it is. Perhaps it's anxiety about the house or what they might think. Trying to impress. Perhaps she is just set in her ways and can't get out of a grove. Perhaps she is lovely and struggling. Perhaps she is a bit selfish. Who knows? We can't tell on the outside and it's uncomfortable in a way being asked to judge a stranger who we can't know as much as you do. But her behaviour doesn't have to be yours. You don't have to be hurt or gut wrenched by it. YOu can forge your own relationship with your neice and her mum. You are a different person and you don't have to be controlled by your mother's plans.

To me it seems you're very tied in to whatever she is doing. Is that because you still live at home? You don't have to go when she does or wait for her. You can make your own arrangements and make it clear you're seeing them as much as possible. Perhaps working on a plan to eventually move out might help separate not just your living arrangements but the feeling you seem to have that your movements are also being controlled by whatever she decides. Perhaps going and staying on the floor of where your brother is for a bit might help forge a bit of independence for you and be good to spend some time with your relatives without your mum there.

Best of luck to you, Op. You sound really nice and I'm sure your relations will be happy to spend time with you and catch up. Perhaps if your mother isn't there all the time it will be better in some ways so try and see the positives.

In terms of your brother - can he not ask your mother directly to stay? It is quite difficult for you being in the middle like this and taking on the embarrassment of being assumed to share her stance, which obviously isn't your stance. What is he expecting when he comes- are you able to chat with him directly about it? Does he think they will be arriving at your door or are they thinking of booking something?

It's your mother's home and her choice. Presumably she has her reasons. Have you asked her what they are. What's their relationship like?
You don't mention whether it was your sibling's home at any point so is it that big a deal to them, money aside?

You're free to meet them as often as you like, will it really impact on you that much?

I'd suggest you plan to stay in the city or as close as you can to wherever they are staying for at least part of the stay. If your mother is being this inhospitable then they are unlikely to make the trip again if it just to see her. If you show willing to make the effort you might find you are invited alo e to go and stay with them.

Have a look at the likes of Premier Inn...I often find Sunday nights are the cheapest.

If you are up for sharing the city and the dates mumsnetters are often good at finding cheap suggestions...

It sounds like she's embarrassed by your home - the talk about smells etc.
Is the wife the same culture as you?

Is there some jealousy there as well? Your brother has ventured out into the world, married a lovely lady, had a child and seems very happy. Is there something of this that your mum would like herself? Or missed out in/is jealous of?

Where is your dad (mums husband?)?

I can see your point but I think if it’s your mother’s house you have to respect her wishes.

Do you think you can start trying to take steps to live independently- then next time you can host them?

He has accommodation with a friend, thank goodness. His friend is making an effort to put them in his apart room in his apartment.

It's a little upsetting to see that his friend is making an effort and if I was to ask other people too, like a neighbour or others, they would all move to earth to host them.

It's also upsetting in that we live so far apart and now they will nearly be home and we will still continue staying apart. I will be making as much plans as possible to see them but it's not the same seeing them for a day trip here and there and maybe having tea at home and then we go off again on our separate ways.

I was dropping suggestions for a few months to my mother about sleepovers and she rejected me instantly by saying - 'they want to stay in town'. They are only staying in town because they know they are not welcome at home. They still have hope that she might change her mind but she's being extremely stubborn. I know her so much, if she's not ready in time she will try and drag me down with her by requesting, begging and crying for me to stay and wait for her. I won't be doing it.

I do have a certain plan for this weekend to clean and make the home better so maybe when that's done she may be more open.

Whilst at least your brother has somewhere to stay, I agree with you that it is sad and wrong.

The only smell I am getting is a smell of clean. There's laundry smells. Disinfectant-zoflora smells. The smells is an excuse.

The wife is the same culture.

I think maybe it's mother syndrome.

Does your brother want to stay at the house?

Yes.
He wants to bring his family home. He wants to come home with his family. He doesn't want to come nearly home and remain apart.

I will still need to prepare the home and I ahead lot done already. They will likely come and visit for a day to our home.
I wonder would it be a case where my mother is anxious about the home not being good enough and when they come it might all just melt away and let them all stay.

It's all so awkward and so much more harder than what it should be.