School bully awarded prize for respect & determination

[cobicat]

A child at my DS's school has just won an award (nominated by staff members) for being a role model. This child is in my dc's year and has literally been a bully since primary school, routinely sneering at and mocking other kids etc.

DS says that the subject teachers often fawn over them because they are in a 'popular' clique and quite charismatic in class.

I remember something similar happening at my younger dd's school. Neither of my dcs were personally bullied by these bullies, but they witnessed them frequently targeting others. I think it sends an uncomfortable message to victims when children like this are celebrated.

AIBU to think that this isn't uncommon and that many schools seem oblivious to what is really going on?

They grow and then do this in the workplace. Kids like this are manipulative and grow up to be manipulative adults.

I’ve experienced this both as a pupil and a teacher. At secondary school a girl was bullying my younger sister and I went to tell her from tutor about it and he said that couldn’t possibly be right because the girl was so lovely.

As a teacher, I had a girl in my class who was polite, engaged, enthusiastic and from my perspective seemed lovely but then I heard from her form tutor she was being absolutely foul to other girls in the year (not in my class).

Some pupils can be very manipulative and switch it off and on. And definitely court the popularity of teachers.

Oh we had one of these. Captain of rugby team, captain of football team. Very charismatic around teachers but an absolute douche bag. Dictating who was invited to what, routinely excluding, laughing and p^% taking with everyone laughing along just pleased it wasn’t them.

every parent can’t abide him other than his own obviously who think he’s amazing and actually facilitate his behaviour. Thankfully no longer at the same school or sports team with him anymore.

Although I did call him a Pr*ck the last time I saw him and over heard him really being horrible about one of his team mates in their ear shot ….. not my finest moment but urghhh

'Let's call him Damian.....'

I knew an adult actually called Damian who was a bully!!

Exactly this.

Perhaps if Damian had received intervention and support at a far earlier stage of his development then he wouldn't have reached the point of throwing chairs and going to prison.

Imagine describing education staff wanting to support children with SEN as "bleeding heart policy"

or perhaps if his shitty behaviour had been punished, rather than rewarded, he’d have learnt about consequences.

@Phos

or perhaps if his shitty behaviour had been punished, rather than rewarded, he’d have learnt about consequences

What do you think an intervention is?

@BigCheekBitch maybe it's where he belongs? You don't know what he did to end up there.

Haha this really made me laugh

Or, just perhaps the school bully is a violent little shit who ought to be removed from the school so that the teachers can get on with teaching and the well behaved little kids can get on with learning? You know, like they are supposed to do?

schools are places for education, not social work centres. I couldn’t care less about the background of the bully. Waaayyyy to much concern is given to the victim’s ‘circumstances’. How about giving just a little of your smug pop psychology over to the victims who are going to be mentally scarred for life due to this vile child being allowed to run amok amongst the classroom???? Jeez, some people!

Perhaps if the bully had been removed from the school once the chair chucking started then far fewer kids would bear the mental scars of bullying.

Unfortunately, it just seems to be the way it is.

A very popular boy in my school followed me home from school when we were 15 throwing rocks at me, spitting at me and hurling insults with his mates. He was definitely the ring leader. He was nominated and won prom King (popularity contest) by the staff the year after.

Very few people would be able to bully/steal/trick people if they were not charismatic, because they need enough people on their side and to believe them to get away with their shitty behaviour.

Totally agree. He should have been expelled. I hate it when teachers describe these naughty kids as special or characters. Nope they are just little shits.

A child’s perception of the situation matters though, it really matters.

my child was bullied, and what depressed her more than the bullying was that the teachers did nothing whatsoever. The ‘child had a terrible home life’ blah, blah, blah. (Not my problem. That doesn’t excuse him assaulting my child on a daily basis!). The teachers weren’t doing nothing, they were trying (totally ineffective) interventions but because my child didn’t see that he thought nothing was happening (and to be fair from where he was he was still getting hit on a daily basis…). Children’s perceptions of situations matter. If they think a bully is getting away scot free then they will rightly think that’s unfair.

Children who regularly physically assault staff and other kids need to be removed from our schools and taught somewhere where their emotional needs are being addressed too. Teachers time shouldn’t been taken up with trying to tame unruly kids. Our kids should feel safe at school. There is a reason why kids have such poor mental health and bullying is a big part of it.

I know so many instances of bullying in schools and the bullies have always come out best even when they were 'punished' by the school.

My friends dd took an od after being bullied. A year later she too sat at a gcse ceremony and watched one of the bullies get an award for community and citizenship bollocks.

The teachers knew full well what had happened.

I do agree but what do you want the teachers to do?

I had a friend at school who was autistic. Noone (Inc teachers) knew until we were about 14 and I'd been in the same class as her since nursery.

She was a "naughty" child and would often have meltdowns. There were consequences for her sometimes dangerous and threatening behaviour but they were different consequences to those someone NT might have faced (e.g they wouldn't exclude her because then she'd struggle returning to the classroom).

Should the teachers have ignored her distress so the rest of the school perceived her as the same as everyone else?

Or is it a parent's responsibility to say "you remember that talk your form tutor gave you and she explained that Lara is autistic? Well that means she needs different interventions and different consequences for her behaviour to help her learn."

Yes, we have one of them at my dd school, sweet as pie though In front of teachers and other adults, a horror in the playground and tells black children they can't play in her circle of friends. It's hard to watch how she is rewarded each year.

Is this a significant award or one of the weekly ones that eventually get dished out to everyone?

Maybe they feel that recognising and rewarding good behaviour is an important strategy in tackling the bad behaviour and that the whole child can't be defined by their worst attributes?

I meant to add, one of my kids could be a right shit in primary school, not nasty to others but an annoying disruptive little bugger, and the odd bit of praise and acknowledgement of his good traits made a world of difference.

The bullies in my secondary school were made "Mentors" and we were supposed to go to them and report any bullying.

OP, I sympathise.

Two uncomfortable things I've learned after a career in education:

1. I agree with a pp who said that, depressingly, some bullies are superficially attractive and charismatic. A good 80% of the population, both adults and children, will fall for this and they'll be the popular ones. So unfair.

2. From hearing some disturbing staffroom conversations over the years I've realised that some teachers are sympathetic to bullies - who knows - maybe they were bullies themselves - and cut them a lot of slack. I heard a lot of victim-blaming on the lines of 'Yeah, but you can see why they pick on them, can't you?'

I remember walking up to my classroom and overhearing the 'golden girl' being absolutely vile to a classmate with mild learning difficulties. I made sure she knew I'd heard what she said and that my opinion of her was changed by it - she was on track for Oxbridge and very popular - knowing someone had got her number wasn't going to dent her supreme confidence. But at least she knew I knew! She was an expert at showing an attractive face to adults.

This happened with my child's bully last year. I was bloody livid.

If you have never met the child, you cannot judge. You only have your own child's poor opinion of them, which could very easily be completely unjustified.

Yes - but you are ignoring the fact that I've known my own child for 16 years, so I've had ample opportunity to get to know them! I consider my child's judgment to be generally very fair.