School bully awarded prize for respect & determination

[cobicat]

A child at my DS's school has just won an award (nominated by staff members) for being a role model. This child is in my dc's year and has literally been a bully since primary school, routinely sneering at and mocking other kids etc.

DS says that the subject teachers often fawn over them because they are in a 'popular' clique and quite charismatic in class.

I remember something similar happening at my younger dd's school. Neither of my dcs were personally bullied by these bullies, but they witnessed them frequently targeting others. I think it sends an uncomfortable message to victims when children like this are celebrated.

AIBU to think that this isn't uncommon and that many schools seem oblivious to what is really going on?

My son's bully was made a House Captain less than six months later. The school was fully aware but while acknowledging the bullying and the impact it had, were running a 'he didn't mean it' narrative.

Schools can often pigeonhole kids and it's near impossible to get them to change their preconceived ideas.

So if your kid was coming home black and blue, work torn up, your daughter threatened and beaten up as a teen etc you’d still feel sorry for this lad? Or is only because it’s other people’s kids suffering that you care more about him than his MANY victims

Thought experiment @Pennn Let’s suppose your daughter, grown up, finds herself in a somewhat confrontational situation in her workplace. Let’s say she’s feeling a bit threatened and overwhelmed, really needs some space and to pause the conversation but the colleague happens to be blocking the route to the door. So your daughter shoves past colleague. Colleague wasn’t expecting this, stumbles, hits head on corner of desk, requires hospital treatment.

Do you join the hoards screaming ‘Violence! Unacceptable! Menace to society! Sack her, lock her up, no parole!’

Or because you’re in the privileged position of understanding her formative experiences, how she might be primed to react much more strongly to feeling threatened because of how she was hurt as a teenager, all the mitigating factors, do you feel like you’d want to argue for understanding and support for her as well as for the victim?

Not to say that it’s ok to hit someone with a chair, or any of the rest of it, but appropriate support and intervention at an early stage can lead to better outcomes for everyone.

Sadly to echo other stories, I remember some of the school bullies being very popular with many teachers because they were outgoing/cheeky/confident.

It’s always the same. When I was at school a company came around offering free motorbike lessons to kids - I always wanted to ride a motorbike and was so excited to learn. I was turned down as I wasn’t the intended audience. Apparently the wrong ‘uns of the school had a whale of a time that day

I moved my DC schools partly due to this kind of nonsense. New one is much better. Hard work and good behaviour and kindness and empathy - rewards.

They were possibly most likely to kill themselves on a bike?

Why are we calling him Damian then not referring to him by name again?

Surely this incident should be taken further. I’d encourage your grandchild’s parents to pursue this with the governors and LEA if school won’t keep him safe.

Yep. It happens. Usually their parents are of the “be kind” mentality and are also narcissistic bullies themselves.

Have you or your children reported the bullying?

Bully in DdS class was given the anti bullying ambassador role. So any bullying they were to go to them to report and resolve it. Completely ironic since they were the only one doing the bullying

Yep, dd1’s class has the school secretary’s daughter who got lots of awards, teachers loved her etc - she was mean but clever enough to hide it well. Dd2’s had similar. Sadly dd2’s girl is unhappy at secondary and it looking to move to dd2’s secondary. I’m hoping she can’t!

Staff member's or Governor's child by any chance? I've seen that happen when the children have been awful bullies

I guess we only have to look at the government to see this isn’t limited to schools and bullies get rewarded.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

Yes. One of my children was bullied by a small group of kids in primary school. The ringleader was a charismatic boy from a very good home. He was bright, very sporty, quite good-looking, enjoyed excellent health and had a stable home with well-educated affluent parents. (Somebody will be along in a minute to tell me I don't know what things were like in that house behind closed doors. Well, all I can say to that is that we had mutual friends with this kid's parents and they picked up no sense that there was anything wrong, and now that they are all adults he appears to be doing very well in life - one of many reasons I don't believe in karma.)

When we raised this with the school, the headteacher was largely supportive and various things were done which did make a difference, but it really stung to hear the head say in passing that he couldn't help liking this boy. TBH, it shouldn't have been a surprise, as they were two of a kind in some ways.

Thinking on this more, there’s a high chance the team bully in my workplace (who is less senior to me but had driven me to a very dark place with her manipulation and lies) is very likely to get the promotion as they need to demonstrate development within the team. I comfort myself with the fact I still earn £10k more but I worry about those she’ll manage (bully). she tried to prevent me getting a job but I got the job so her behaviour no longer gets me line it did. I have a smile that masks my “fuck off you twat” face.

My kid’s friend admits she sucks up to teachers at secondary school with a ‘goody goody’ act. She always gets the solos and special roles etc. In the car once, I heard her say that she loves sucking up to teachers to get special treatment. It clearly works! I think I would get irritated by that if I was teaching but who knows.

Personally I think quite a few bullies are sociopaths. They aren't doing it because of abuse or mental health issues, they are doing it because they can, and, having no conscience, see no need to not do it. Sociopaths can be extremely charming.

Probably a targeted intervention aimed at helping a specific group of children. I imagine as a child that’s hard to understand but I would assume by the time you reached adulthood it would make sense to you.

Oh this brings back memories...when the bullies in my old school got on the front page of the local paper for starting an anti bullying group.

And I can honestly say they were bullies because I was one of their victims. And yes I reported it every time it happened and nothing got done. It was a nice kick in the teeth.

Not surprised it still happens, people can be so ignorant.

It makes no sense to me at all. I want children to learn that certain sorts of behaviour will lead to adverse consequences, not to special treats. If these children's home lives and circumstances are awful, fix that, as early as possible. (This is where we are currently going wrong.) However, it's important it becomes for society to make it clear to children that they will be held responsible for the choices they make and the damage they do to other people. In adult life, headbutting and throwing chairs around should mean police involvement, not motorbike taster days.

The Krays were probably charismatic at school.

Talk to the school about your concerns.