Accused of being nasty for the sake of it.

[Orlabean]

Just before the pandemic my cousin got married in another continent. Cousin and her husband are well off and were generous to pay for tickets and hotels.

At the very very last minute I decided I couldn't go. To state that I was incredibly ill would be an understatement. I was almost admitted to a private psychiatric clinic due to depression, suicidal ideation, self-medicating with alcohol, bulimia etc. I was a high achiever who basically just crashed and burned when "success" turned out to be meaningless to me. I went to one of the best grammar schools in the country, then on to Oxford and lost the will to live when I started my grad scheme.

Cousin was very hurt as you would expect, she didn't know the extent of my issues but we've recently tried reconciling. Didn't speak for a long time.

I went to this cousin's house over the weekend, knew it was going to be very awkward initially, but had a good time overall. One of the family members she has become close to (started friendship at wedding) thought it was her place to tell me what I did "wasn't really on, was it?"

I simply told I've apologied to cousin and that I was confused as to why she felt it was her place to admonish me. I said you are perfect stranger to me and I really don't care to share the details behind why I couldn't make it as she is not anyone to me.

It was like an actual bomb exploding, everyone went quiet and the atmosphere changed. Im so over placating all the time. As a reformed people pleaser who kept quiet for years and years, it always seems I'm the only person on the planet who isn't allowed to say anything non-pleasant.

The person who made the comment is an in law and the person they are married to shared with a family member not in attendance that I was despicably rude.

I know it wasn't a kind thing to say ofc but was it THAT bad to be gossiping about it?

AIBU?

@candlesflamesandbrooms I think family who have probably had to listen to the bride/groom being upset about it do have a right to say something. The bride is not some individual living in isolation and it's pretty normal for family to say something in this instance. It could have been solved very easily by the OP saying she had some very difficult health issues at the time which she didn't have the strength to go into and that she of course was also sad she couldn't make it.

Fine to tell someone it's none of their business. But also fine for them to consider you rude, that's my point.

Tbh while you don't have to share details with anyone I wouldn't just said you had a severe episode of I'll health and simply couldn't ever have made it.

Surely saying it was due to your health would make all the drama go away?

This branch of your family sound like harder work than you need OP.
To be still be making a drama about one cousin who couldn't attend a wedding for health reasons, not speaking, other people involving themselves...its way too intense.
You did right to speak up for yourself, but unfortunately these people seem to enjoy an excuse for offense and bad feeling.
For your own wellbeing, you should probably distance yourselves from them all, as it will be drama after crisis, fall out after upset, and you don't need that.

Well the in law made it her business to be rude to you without details of your reason for being absent from cousins wedding. And she got a fitting reply.

I wouldn’t apologise either. I wouldn’t give it any more thought. Anyone who comes at you to tell you off, tell them to mind their own business you’ve sorted it with your cousin. Nothing to do with anyone else.

Frankly it wasn't their place to say anything they didn't lose out, it wasn't their wedding , they were doing it to make themselves feel big.

That in my book is shit stirring. Most people with a ounce of common sense know there's two sides to every story and don't blindly start drama on someone's behalf.Some people seem to love looking for trouble and act shocked when they find it.

It's fine for them to think ops rude, I personally think actually they are saying it because they were embarrassed and op showed them up. Good.

Don't start a fight (which this person did by inserting herself into something that wasn't about her) and the. complain when someone finishes it and you end up worse off

If I was watching that I would have thought the person who made the comment (who didn't need to) was incredibly rude and my sympathy would be with the person who was having a serious mental crisis (and received inpatient help?!) and not the shit stirrers hurt ego.

Op honestly some people like to get "involved" in other peoples fights and make nasty comments because their lives are boring and they love the drama. Do you really care what this type of person thinks of you ?

Instead of worrying what other people think of you, flip it around and think actually what do I think of this person. And act accordingly.

This is something I might do if I was feeling brave and trying to 'stand up' for my cousin (even though yes it's none of my business, and if I didn't actually know the situation and just thought OP couldn't be bothered, and especially if she didn't offer to cover costs etc). Not saying it's right, but just pointing out why someone might do this. OPs situation is extreme and I'm assuming most probably thought it was a last minute cancellation for selfish reasons. I wouldn't worry about it OP, just clear it with your cousin who obviously still cares for you

Personally I think good on you. Your cousin and you have been reconciling and you are both adults capable of communicating and addressing the issue between you.

This woman has nothing to do with the situation and should have kept her nose out. I don’t think your response was rude actually, I think it was direct and assertive.

Does your cousin know how unwell you were. Seems unfair to give someone grief for not attending because they were in mental health crisis.

She was deliberately being snide and deserved a stronger retort than she received YANBU

If you didnt explain how unwell you were, what reason dos you give for not going?
If cousin & her wider family just got some wiahy-washy excuse, then they might be pissy that you were "busy at work" so didnt attend, even though thwyd spent £x-hundred on you.

@Nicecow I get what your saying. But you realise that inserting yourself into a situation (that didn't involve you and you don't need to make a comment) makes you the rude person and the person setting up this dynamic right ?

Op wasn't responding to air. No one knows what a single person is facing at any time, kindness and the assumption that op isn't a complete knobber should be a basic.

I would understand someone saying why didn't you come to wedding ? I heard bride was upset. And pausing and listening to the response.

But making a passive aggressive comment is brave, it's cowardly. And sometimes people bite back..