Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of being nasty for the sake of it.

60 replies

Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:13

Just before the pandemic my cousin got married in another continent. Cousin and her husband are well off and were generous to pay for tickets and hotels.

At the very very last minute I decided I couldn't go. To state that I was incredibly ill would be an understatement. I was almost admitted to a private psychiatric clinic due to depression, suicidal ideation, self-medicating with alcohol, bulimia etc. I was a high achiever who basically just crashed and burned when "success" turned out to be meaningless to me. I went to one of the best grammar schools in the country, then on to Oxford and lost the will to live when I started my grad scheme.

Cousin was very hurt as you would expect, she didn't know the extent of my issues but we've recently tried reconciling. Didn't speak for a long time.

I went to this cousin's house over the weekend, knew it was going to be very awkward initially, but had a good time overall. One of the family members she has become close to (started friendship at wedding) thought it was her place to tell me what I did "wasn't really on, was it?"

I simply told I've apologied to cousin and that I was confused as to why she felt it was her place to admonish me. I said you are perfect stranger to me and I really don't care to share the details behind why I couldn't make it as she is not anyone to me.

It was like an actual bomb exploding, everyone went quiet and the atmosphere changed. Im so over placating all the time. As a reformed people pleaser who kept quiet for years and years, it always seems I'm the only person on the planet who isn't allowed to say anything non-pleasant.

The person who made the comment is an in law and the person they are married to shared with a family member not in attendance that I was despicably rude.

I know it wasn't a kind thing to say ofc but was it THAT bad to be gossiping about it?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:18

Probably didn't help she is pregnant (not showing)

OP posts:
red78hot · 07/06/2023 15:19

She deserved that response from you. Its none of her business why you didn't attend and cousin should have accept health issues as a very reasonable reason for not attending, I'd be wondering what your cousin has been saying to this friend and other people about you.

Original poster
Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:21

I didn't cite health reasons at the time to be fair to cousin. But that entire side of my family were very angry at me. Parents respected my wishes, was embarrassed at the time by what I was going through.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 07/06/2023 15:25

Well done. Is it possible she resents you getting closer to your cousin again?

Heronwatcher · 07/06/2023 15:25

I don’t think you were being unreasonable not to go. But equally it sounds like quite a bit of money was wasted? So I don’t think you can be surprised that people mention this.

Equally I think it was fine for you to say that you were really ill, you’ve apologised (which you have), you felt terrible, and that you are working on your relationship with your cousin and really hope you can get through it. But it does sound like you went a bit further than this and picked up your in law’s own conduct, and saying that she is a perfect stranger is IMO a bit rude.

You can reach a middle ground between people pleasing and being rude- in fact that’s how people who manage to do their own thing but avoid aggro do it- and it might be worth thinking about that? Or of course you can speak your mind, but don’t be surprised if some people do find it rude if it’s directed at them, and you get some comeback if they are family members.

Lacucuracha · 07/06/2023 15:25

Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:21

I didn't cite health reasons at the time to be fair to cousin. But that entire side of my family were very angry at me. Parents respected my wishes, was embarrassed at the time by what I was going through.

I do think you should have cited health reasons, you didn't have to specify what they were.

But well done still for putting the interfering friend in her place.

Lacucuracha · 07/06/2023 15:26

Heronwatcher · 07/06/2023 15:25

I don’t think you were being unreasonable not to go. But equally it sounds like quite a bit of money was wasted? So I don’t think you can be surprised that people mention this.

Equally I think it was fine for you to say that you were really ill, you’ve apologised (which you have), you felt terrible, and that you are working on your relationship with your cousin and really hope you can get through it. But it does sound like you went a bit further than this and picked up your in law’s own conduct, and saying that she is a perfect stranger is IMO a bit rude.

You can reach a middle ground between people pleasing and being rude- in fact that’s how people who manage to do their own thing but avoid aggro do it- and it might be worth thinking about that? Or of course you can speak your mind, but don’t be surprised if some people do find it rude if it’s directed at them, and you get some comeback if they are family members.

But the in law IS a stranger to OP. Why is telling the truth rude? It's not her place to comment on OP's non-attendance.

Original poster
Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:28

I could have taken a softer approach. But i'm sick to the back teeth of always apologising tbh.

OP posts:
TheKobayashiMaru · 07/06/2023 15:29

You were not wrong to reply back to her comment as she has no right to know however it sounds as if you could have done it far more diplomatically than you did.

Selfietaker · 07/06/2023 15:30

You said the truth. Well done.

Cherryana · 07/06/2023 15:35

Yes - this is something I don’t understand really.

She was incredibly rude to you. Bringing it up in front of people, telling you off and somehow you are being made to feel bad or defend giving it right back to her.

How is it that some people get to do that and others don’t?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 07/06/2023 15:35

YANBU. This woman was a stranger to you, why you were not at the wedding is between your cousin and you. That you weren't able to go and it meant a huge waste of money should be clear to most people that something pretty catastrophic must have happened. You should not have to share your medical details with a stranger and you just know if you said 'health reasons' she would have been prying and probing until she got out of you exactly what happened. At some point you would have had to tell her to MYOB or reveal everything personal about your mental health at that time. The end result would have been the same but you would have been far more upset and she would still be offended.

She probably just asked so she could have a dig at you, stir stuff up, and generally feel superior.

Butchyrestingface · 07/06/2023 15:36

I didn't cite health reasons at the time to be fair to cousin.

Have you told her since?

BeeCucumber · 07/06/2023 15:40

You did the right thing. I don’t understand why people think it’s ok to stick their noses into other people’s business. Well done for not being a people pleaser anymore.

kingtamponthefurred · 07/06/2023 15:40

She had it coming.

vivainsomnia · 07/06/2023 15:40

Well if they don't know that you had serious reasons for it, it's comprehensible that they would be shocked if the bride ended up paying for flights and accommodation that wasn't used.

On this basis, it was fair to expect you to act a bit more humble if indeed you didn't want to share the actual reason.

LittleRedYoshi · 07/06/2023 15:42

Your reasons for not going couldn't be helped, and she was wrong to approach you and have her say. But those things aside, you don't come across great here either. Your posts are very self centred - all about why you're blameless, why you should be excused from your own rudeness, etc. Have you ever stopped to consider the perspectives of the other people involved?

Original poster
Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:44

Of course my posts are going to be self-centred @LittleRedYoshi, I'm talking about myself.

OP posts:
LittleRedYoshi · 07/06/2023 15:47

Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:44

Of course my posts are going to be self-centred @LittleRedYoshi, I'm talking about myself.

That wasn't my point...

CaloundraBlues · 07/06/2023 15:47

Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:44

Of course my posts are going to be self-centred @LittleRedYoshi, I'm talking about myself.

Grin
MichelleScarn · 07/06/2023 15:47

How very last minute was it?

Original poster
Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:47

Btw I know I put my parents through hell. My mother should never have had to hide our kutchen knives, car keys nor sleep in the hallway to guide the side and front door.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:49

Where have I said I'm blameless then? @LittleRedYoshi.

I fucked up, no one else was involved

OP posts:
Selfietaker · 07/06/2023 15:49

You were seriously unwell. The relative should stay in her lane. You should have given some details about your condition if you wanted to avoid judgement though. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Icedlatteplease · 07/06/2023 15:49

Cousin and her husband should have got travel insurance or asked attendees to get travel insurance. Otherwise they really are accepting the loss themselves.

You were not being unreasonable at all.