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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of being nasty for the sake of it.

60 replies

Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:13

Just before the pandemic my cousin got married in another continent. Cousin and her husband are well off and were generous to pay for tickets and hotels.

At the very very last minute I decided I couldn't go. To state that I was incredibly ill would be an understatement. I was almost admitted to a private psychiatric clinic due to depression, suicidal ideation, self-medicating with alcohol, bulimia etc. I was a high achiever who basically just crashed and burned when "success" turned out to be meaningless to me. I went to one of the best grammar schools in the country, then on to Oxford and lost the will to live when I started my grad scheme.

Cousin was very hurt as you would expect, she didn't know the extent of my issues but we've recently tried reconciling. Didn't speak for a long time.

I went to this cousin's house over the weekend, knew it was going to be very awkward initially, but had a good time overall. One of the family members she has become close to (started friendship at wedding) thought it was her place to tell me what I did "wasn't really on, was it?"

I simply told I've apologied to cousin and that I was confused as to why she felt it was her place to admonish me. I said you are perfect stranger to me and I really don't care to share the details behind why I couldn't make it as she is not anyone to me.

It was like an actual bomb exploding, everyone went quiet and the atmosphere changed. Im so over placating all the time. As a reformed people pleaser who kept quiet for years and years, it always seems I'm the only person on the planet who isn't allowed to say anything non-pleasant.

The person who made the comment is an in law and the person they are married to shared with a family member not in attendance that I was despicably rude.

I know it wasn't a kind thing to say ofc but was it THAT bad to be gossiping about it?

AIBU?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 07/06/2023 15:50

Actually, if all she did was tell you it wasn't really on to cancel last minute and NO ONE Knew it was due to ill health and not just couldn't be botheredness, I don't see how it so awful saying that.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 07/06/2023 15:50

Tbh op I'm proud of you for saying that.

If you had a heart attack no one would have repressed you for being to poorly to attend.

That friend who said that to you sounds very passive aggressive. I bet her mouth was hanging open like a fish.

Your a human in your own right, bad things happen. You don't owe some random pal of your cousin a medical report to "justify thing"

CaroleSinger · 07/06/2023 15:54

MichelleScarn · 07/06/2023 15:50

Actually, if all she did was tell you it wasn't really on to cancel last minute and NO ONE Knew it was due to ill health and not just couldn't be botheredness, I don't see how it so awful saying that.

Because it's none of her business?

Original poster
Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:54

@candlesflamesandbrooms thank you!

I was once accidentally hit in the face by someone pointing to share directions. And I apologised. That's the kid of person I was!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 07/06/2023 16:04

CaroleSinger · 07/06/2023 15:54

Because it's none of her business?

Show quote history

Ergo it's none of our business as to whether this inlaw was rude or not?

candlesflamesandbrooms · 07/06/2023 16:06

@Orlabean from one people pleasure to another you stood up for yourself!!

Well done ! Your medical history is no one's business bar the people who you wish to share it with (MN or any other random bugger you find in your path)

You started with a bang. Long let it continue.

Lacucuracha · 07/06/2023 16:09

MichelleScarn · 07/06/2023 16:04

Ergo it's none of our business as to whether this inlaw was rude or not?

Show quote history

It's not the same thing. We're not telling this in law she was rude, we're discussing an anonymous stranger on the internet.

MichelleScarn · 07/06/2023 16:12

Lacucuracha · 07/06/2023 16:09

It's not the same thing. We're not telling this in law she was rude, we're discussing an anonymous stranger on the internet.

Show quote history

Where did the inlaw tell op she was rude? From what ive read, she was told the last minute cancellation 'wasn't on', am sure that's what's said on most wedding threads when people do this.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 07/06/2023 16:12

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. I hope you're in a better place now ❤️ This person had absolutely no right making any comment to you as it's none of her business whatsoever

Changeforachange · 07/06/2023 16:14

I get it's very raw & emotive for you, but there's a huge amount of options in-between apologising & the phrase 'you are nobody to me'.

It's hard not to bite when someone's out of line but something like: 'That's a conversation for me and my cousin and nobody else' and walk away, would save you thinking about it now.

Darkandstormynite · 07/06/2023 16:15

Good on you OP!

It sounds like a lot more uncomfortable conversations need to happen in your family. It's possible that the culture of 'don't rock the boat' may have actually contributed to making you ill.

Change is always uncomfortable but you are building a better future for your mental health by being true to your own feelings.

Don't give nosy bitch a second thought, she just got her arse handed to her and it may make her think twice in the future. In your shoes, if anyone tried to pull me up on it I'd double down and say 'I wasn't willing to discuss my private business with a stranger'.

2bazookas · 07/06/2023 16:15

Good for you: you were admirably restrained.

2bazookas · 07/06/2023 16:19

MichelleScarn · 07/06/2023 16:12

Where did the inlaw tell op she was rude? From what ive read, she was told the last minute cancellation 'wasn't on', am sure that's what's said on most wedding threads when people do this.

Show quote history

Don't comment if you've not read the OP. Its in the first post.

The person who made the comment is an in law and the person they are married to shared with a family member not in attendance that I was despicably rude.

REP22 · 07/06/2023 16:20

You don't sound nasty at all. It is absolutely no business of this person's why you weren't able to go to the wedding, nor is it their place to rebuke you for it. It's between you and your cousin and nobody else.

Please don't beat yourself up. I have been in a very similar place to the one you were in at the time; it's impossible to overstate how debilitating and life-shattering it is.

(FWIW, you possibly did the best thing at the time for all concerned, not just yourself - I went to a big wedding when I was at one of my worst points in my own situation and made an utter, UTTER tool of myself in front of many. You saved yourself - and your cousin - from having to live with that. This probably doesn't help much, but I hope it's of at least some use in making you feel a bit better).

I hope you are in a better place these days, and wish you much happiness and health to come.

Campervangirl · 07/06/2023 16:24

Funny how when you stick up for yourself you're labelled/called despicably rude 🙄
The relative had no business calling you out.
Unfortunately for them they obviously didn't expect you to give it straight back to them, they'll have expected you, as a self confessed people pleaser, to roll over and take their shit then they can walk away with a "that told her" attitude.
Good for you for sticking up for yourself, feels don't it?

GCalltheway · 07/06/2023 16:40

That is massive progress congratulations and don’t you dare feel bad!!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

FarmGirl78 · 07/06/2023 16:52

Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:28

I could have taken a softer approach. But i'm sick to the back teeth of always apologising tbh.

I think there's an ocean of difference between apologising, and explanating.

If you didn't give the Bride a quick heads up (or get your Mum to) that your change of heart was due to medical reasons beyond your control its understandable that the Bride might be ranting to friends about it. Unless I've missed it, it looks like from her point of view you just decided not to go on a whim.

This other person ranting at you was unnecessary, but I can totally see how it happened. I'm glad you've decided not to be a people pleaser or get walked over, but you could easily have nipped this in the bud before it started. Rather than being a people pleaser you've now put yourself in the position of being a people dis-pleaser.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 07/06/2023 17:10

Orlabean · 07/06/2023 15:28

I could have taken a softer approach. But i'm sick to the back teeth of always apologising tbh.

You shouldn't have taken a softer approach. She was rude to you, she got it right back. If she doesn't like plain speaking then she should refrain from doing it herself.

Kiwano · 07/06/2023 17:22

Congratulations on standing up for yourself. She had no business telling you off - it wasn't her wedding or her money, and she certainly had no right to demand that you account for yourself. I wonder if she would have felt it appropriate to tell someone off for not coming to the wedding if the reason for them being unable to go was a physical illness? She was certainly the one being rude.

Grumpy101 · 07/06/2023 17:36

There is a massive difference between being a people pleaser and explaining yourself in such a situation.

It's fine to not explain yourself. But you have to deal with the consequences of appearing rude then. You can't be rude to someone and be surprised when they pull you up on your behaviour. It goes both ways!

You didn't explain to the bride at the time what the reason was and it would have looked like you didn't feel like going. Of course she was upset and it would have cast a shadow on the event. And if that relative didn't know the background either, she was right to think you were rude and is right to be annoyed with you.

BreviloquentBastard · 07/06/2023 17:41

Nah, good for you. It was none of her business and she was rude to you bringing it up and telling you off in front of people like you're a child. If you and your cousin feel you've squared it away the nosy bint had no business dragging it up again.

As a fellow reformed people pleaser, I applaud you for showing your teeth.

Inkyblue123 · 07/06/2023 17:43

She had it coming - she should mind her own business. Stop mulling this over - it’s not good for your mental health. And if anybody asks tell them the same. Thankyou for enquiring but I don’t wish to discuss this with you, it’s very personal

CrackedSkull · 07/06/2023 18:09

I would have said I don't want to go there thank you as it's personal and them just got up and walked away . Or said nothing . And Got up and walked away .

candlesflamesandbrooms · 07/06/2023 18:45

Grumpy101 · 07/06/2023 17:36

There is a massive difference between being a people pleaser and explaining yourself in such a situation.

It's fine to not explain yourself. But you have to deal with the consequences of appearing rude then. You can't be rude to someone and be surprised when they pull you up on your behaviour. It goes both ways!

You didn't explain to the bride at the time what the reason was and it would have looked like you didn't feel like going. Of course she was upset and it would have cast a shadow on the event. And if that relative didn't know the background either, she was right to think you were rude and is right to be annoyed with you.

Why ? Why does some random have the right to be annoyed. Sure the bride when she didn't know ? But some random person who isn't entitled to know what went down.

Who is actually that entitled to think like this ?!? 🤯

The problem is when you make a passive aggressive comment about something you have absolutely zero about or stick your nose where it doesn't belong, you should expect someone one day might be to rightly be rude back or knock that nose right out of joint.
It's a risk you take.

Second thought you must actually be joking, like literally pulling everyone's chain. No one in RL can be that oblivious or that entitled to think they have right to comment on a situation that didn't impact them (since this person who was rude to op wasn't the bride) and sounds like they were shit stirring.

Createausername1970 · 07/06/2023 19:05

The just of what you said was fair enough, maybe it could have phrased differently.

But have you actually told the bride and groom the full extent of why you couldn't attend? If not, and if you feel able to face up to it now, could you explain to them exactly what happened, your mum hiding sharp implements and guarding you at night to keep you safe etc. You could say you don't want this common knowledge, but now you are coming to terms with it yourself you felt they deserved an explanation, and you realise you may have inadvertently upset nosey baggage, but you were taken off guard by such a direct comment as it's still a difficult subject for you to deal with.