To think I just don’t seem to fit in?

[Tigerintheundergrowth]

I think I’m probably going to get flamed for this post as it’ll no doubt come across as judgy, it’s not how I mean it to be but i’m trying to be as pragmatic as possible and sometimes that involves saying it as you see it.

I’ll preface this by saying I am lucky in that I do have about 7 friends that I consider pretty close friends and see regularly (though they’re all separate) so I do have friends, but I struggle to make new ones nowadays.

I find where I live women seem to be two types (generalisation I know but genuinely they really do seem to be)

Type A have lived here their whole lives, (no judgement, so have I apart from a 5 year stint at uni and away for a job, I moved back in my early 20’s) all the family lives within 0.5 mile radius and they all have huge families that have all lived here for generations (my family do live quite close but only my nuclear family, all my extended family live in different parts of the country) they didn’t go to uni etc so all their friends are from high school and they still hang around in the huge groups that they hung around in in high school. (All of my high school friends have moved away, I’m genuinely really sad about this, but it is what it is) Some of them I guess could be considered a bit ‘rough’ around the edges, I know a few were the school bullies for example. They’re married to typically ‘blokey blokes’ that love football, gettin’ on the beers etc.

These people already have their ‘tribe’ and I can just tell they see me as a bit too well spoken as I don’t have a strong local accent (I grew up here too but don’t have the accent, well, not as strong as theirs anyway. I’m absolutely not posh at all, just don’t have a strong, local accent) I’m married to a slightly serious, bookish professional (although he does really enjoy socialising and loves a night out too!) who I know probably wouldn’t gel with their DH’s.

These women are quite glam, love getting dressed up and going on nights out, holidays together etc and I’m definitely in THAT category, I love doing the above.

Type B bake, do crafts, won’t have more than 1 glass of wine because they’re a ‘mum’ now and definitely give you a side eye if you do, don’t really talk about much other than their children. Have no time for any talk of hair or make up etc. I’ve known some of these for ages and they were always like the above, even when we were 18, they never went on nights out or anything like that. They were born ‘old’ for want of a better expression 😳 Or they’re all of the above and also really academic and a bit snooty with it I guess. They’re okay with me because I’m married to a professional 🙄but they’re just not my type.

I just don’t quite ‘fit’ because I’m considered either too ‘posh’ and ‘bookish’ or whatever by one type and not ‘posh’ (for want of a better word) enough for another type.

Sometimes I wonder where all the women like me are? I like to talk about hair and make up, celebrities and trashy tv, but also, sometimes like to talk about what’s going on in the world, politics etc. I love going for lunch or a walk with friends, but equally love getting dolled up and having a wine or 5. I love my DC but they’re not my whole life, I don’t want to sit and talk endlessly about them.

I’m the most unremarkable person ever, so why can’t I find anyone else on a similar wavelength? Whenever I meet new people I always take them at face value and don’t try and pigeon hole them, but inevitably, around here they do seem to just fall into these two types.

Has anyone else experienced similar? 😳

I'll be your friend, you sound similar to me - and I'm definitely having the same issues.

I think I’m like you too .. some of my friends refer to me as posh just because I don’t have a thick accent like them.

Also I can’t stand the mummy one glass of white types. Sorry not sorry. They will say they were crazy back then … when really they had a Smirnoff Ice and a Wkd at the same time, danced to Beyoncé and were home by 11pm. Meh. You do you, but I’m also going to sink 9 cocktails at my bottomless brunch thanks.

This will sound judgy but I think if your main group of friends are your school friends and you haven’t branched out then you’re a bit stunted. I left that group behind in my early 20s when they were still talking about the same stories that happened 10 years ago. I just don’t think you grow that much as a person if you’re not meeting new people.

I’ve made a few new friends this year, either through work or through being introduced to friends of a friend. Is that an option for you?

I have the same issues here!!! Uncanny similarities

I think having seven good friends sounds quite good!

I wonder if you are ruling out other women early by deciding they "aren't your type". Not every woman who doesn't drink much is "born old". Not every woman who didn't go to uni is not interested in making new friends.

I've always found hobby groups to be a good way of meeting new friends.

I'm type B, except that I drink more wine and have interests other than my children. I can't talk about hair, makeup and trashy TV because I don't know anything about them. But I definitely wouldn't be snooty about those of my friends who do like those things. And I can happily talk about books, sport and politics - but I might not think to do so with someone I've only just met where the only thing I know we have in common is DC. Are you sure they're all judging you, or is it more that you feel awkward because you suspect you're not their type? Anyway, where I've had success making new friends is by joining groups that have a focus (e.g. a book club and a sports team). You get a wider range of people and they all find ways to get on.

I’d love to know where you live, OP!

I think people are all different once you get to know them and it's not good to generalise people. I kind of get it though, I feel like a lot of my " mum" acquaintances at the school are very different to me. One of them told me she's far too busy to put make up on for the school run and doesn't see the point in it, when I know she only said ir

• to try to make me feel bad because I like to make time to put make up on.

Same here!!
To you and all the others on this post - where ARE you??

@MaryJean87 that mum might be a total bitch, but it's also possible she said it to try and excuse the fact that she hadn't bothered, i.e. she was feeling like she might be judged for not making an effort. Obvs came out a bit wrong though if so!

I'd love 7 friends. I was looking through my phone numbers and it's empty.

I'm similar although I didn't grow up where I live now. I also love music and going to see bands and have never really had local friends to do that with.

I think I've got about 16 contacts. I use three which is my mum my sibling and my partner. I have no friends at all and relocated 80 miles away and have never made any. I'm used to it but it does bring me to forums like this as I don't have anyone to talk to. Sounds sad but it's ok. I'll drink more than one glass of anything lol.

Possibly, I just thought it was odd. She isn't someone who normally talks to me and it was one of the first conversations I'd had with her. There was another comment she made as well about me giving my daughter sweets that made me feel a bit weird.

you definitely sound like me, as I have a professional job and very bookish but also love all the wine, dressing up and trashy tv.

It would appear in my group of friends which is slowly dismantling I am not seen as a good time out type of person which makes me sad… I am!!!

in Hampshire!

I very much doubt they’re saying it expressly to make you feel bad.

That sounds like you’re projecting because of how you feel about the amount of time you waste putting on your war paint.

same boat here too op!

wow u have just described me!!
the friends i am close to these days all have said when they first met me i was scary, had a resting bitch face and thot i was huffy and judgy. now they see me as the still the same hahaha but understand me and that im none of the sort really,
but i find it really hard
to make
friends and i guess im happy with the few close ones i really have.
i like having a drink or whatever, watch reality tv, but with converse about politics, animal rights , the nhs. etc etc, what some of my pals will say oh here's (me) on my high horse again and laugh.
so i find this, school mums......just not my cup of tea but i will talk if i have to. managed to get my oldest
child to p7 without making a single school friend, and my wee one is in p7 and not
spoke to anyone at all at school apart from last week had a party to go to and spoke to one mum, it's not that i'm unfriendly i just have that look that prob looks to others as unapproachable.
so my advise to u op is....just be u. don't fake it for anyone. talk to the snob pals about crap tv, and talk to ur old pals in ur snobbiest accent. if they are judgy, then really are they real pals to start with. i hope u find ur people

Generally, regardless of their background, their interests, and what they do for a living, people want to be friends with people who make them laugh, make them feel happy, make them feel good about themselves, who appear interested and who they can share nice experiences with. If you always keep that in mind and work on that basis, you’ll find socialising and making friends much easier. Join some local groups based around shared interests. Change the initial questions you ask the people you meet there away from the things you seem to be very focussed on, like class and professions and university education and local accents, and ask them the sorts of questions which help you actually get to know somebody’s personality and passions and what makes them tick. Why do they do this hobby, how did they get into it, what’s their biggest achievement in it, what else do they do for fun, can you have the details of that group because you like that too. Forget about all the superficial socially-constructed waffle which you think makes you too different to others. It just gets in the way of who you actually are.

I met a lot of my oldest and closest friends through Burning Man and the Burner community. At Burning Man, nobody gives a shit what you do for a living, what your parents did for a living, what you studied at university, whether you went to school at all, and there are so many different accents from so many different countries on playa that nobody has a clue whether you’re well-spoken or what social class you designate yourself as even if they cared, which they don’t. People care about what excites you, what makes you laugh, whether you’re a team player, how you treat others around you, that you’re a reliable friend and there for a hand or a hug. Because the whole concept is so ridiculous, and because when you’re riding a shonky dune bicycle through the desert whilst wearing a tutu to watch 500 adults dressed in rabbit ears be chased by 500 other adults dressed as carrots having had no sleep because you spent the night talking to strangers at a moving diner art car which somebody made back home in their garage in Ann Arbor, it really does strip you back to relating to people in the same open and as-you-are way you did when you were a kid.

If you’re always all inside your own head and thinking that you’re too different and that people view you as too clever, too well spoken, too posh and that this is why they don’t like you, and feeling that you don’t belong, then ultimately you’re going to be giving off this reserved, self-conscious vibe and it’s this vibe which doesn’t appeal to others. I very much doubt many people you meet actually think any of those things about you; but they probably do think that you’re probably going to be quite difficult to get friendly with, and that tends to make people not bother trying.

Something like trying an improvisational theatre or comedy course might bonkers at first, but the purpose is to work in a fun and supportive atmosphere with other people who also feel they struggle socially to learn and practice techniques and skills for building bravery, spontaneity and creativity for conversation and communication. It gives you really good groundwork to get out there and actually relate to people without being so damn self conscious about what you think they might be thinking about you.

exactly that.

You sound very much like me, and most of my friends and colleagues. We are out there!

OP, you do sound extremely judgey to be honest, making it sound like no one is good enough for you.

You know it's ok to have different "friends": mum friends, with the focus on the children, "party friends" to get dolled up and go drinking with, "work friends" to have deep discussions about the world.

Of course, in an ideal world, you would have a group mixing all of YOUR interests. Think about it: many people might think you are too narrow minded yourself, and would write the same OP as you do, but about YOU. In real life, it's ok to have different priorities, different support network and freedom, and be at different stage of your life.

It also helps to be in a bigger city, with a wider range of people around you, and mix work with hobbies, school volunteering and studying. It's the best way to meet the most people and find the ones you click with the most, but it's also ok to have different people for different things, .When you are an adult, it's not all about having BFF and be clickey😂

Why do you have to be friends with people exactly like you? I find this strange and unrealistic.

Thanks for the responses, I’m so relieved to realise I’m not alone in feeling like this! Since having DC I’ve made two ‘mum friends’ and they’re so like me, we have the best time, I could literally talk to them all day, we’re just so similar, making friends with them was relatively easy, there wasn’t months and months of polite small talk, we just kind of ‘got each other’ from a few meets. It helps that I have a hobby in common with one of them, but even without that, we’re just similar people.

So yeh, it’s made me realise that I just don’t meet similar people all that often, which is ridiculous as like I said, I’m the most ‘normal’ vanilla person really, average intelligence etc. I just like to have FUN and I like fun people that are up for a laugh and don’t take themselves too seriously. Unfortunately, round here that often means druggy ‘rough’ types. Whereas I just want some likeminded women who like a gossip and a laugh and enjoy a few cocktails!

Maybe we should all meet up 😂 I’m from the east of England.