To think I just don’t seem to fit in?

[Tigerintheundergrowth]

I think I’m probably going to get flamed for this post as it’ll no doubt come across as judgy, it’s not how I mean it to be but i’m trying to be as pragmatic as possible and sometimes that involves saying it as you see it.

I’ll preface this by saying I am lucky in that I do have about 7 friends that I consider pretty close friends and see regularly (though they’re all separate) so I do have friends, but I struggle to make new ones nowadays.

I find where I live women seem to be two types (generalisation I know but genuinely they really do seem to be)

Type A have lived here their whole lives, (no judgement, so have I apart from a 5 year stint at uni and away for a job, I moved back in my early 20’s) all the family lives within 0.5 mile radius and they all have huge families that have all lived here for generations (my family do live quite close but only my nuclear family, all my extended family live in different parts of the country) they didn’t go to uni etc so all their friends are from high school and they still hang around in the huge groups that they hung around in in high school. (All of my high school friends have moved away, I’m genuinely really sad about this, but it is what it is) Some of them I guess could be considered a bit ‘rough’ around the edges, I know a few were the school bullies for example. They’re married to typically ‘blokey blokes’ that love football, gettin’ on the beers etc.

These people already have their ‘tribe’ and I can just tell they see me as a bit too well spoken as I don’t have a strong local accent (I grew up here too but don’t have the accent, well, not as strong as theirs anyway. I’m absolutely not posh at all, just don’t have a strong, local accent) I’m married to a slightly serious, bookish professional (although he does really enjoy socialising and loves a night out too!) who I know probably wouldn’t gel with their DH’s.

These women are quite glam, love getting dressed up and going on nights out, holidays together etc and I’m definitely in THAT category, I love doing the above.

Type B bake, do crafts, won’t have more than 1 glass of wine because they’re a ‘mum’ now and definitely give you a side eye if you do, don’t really talk about much other than their children. Have no time for any talk of hair or make up etc. I’ve known some of these for ages and they were always like the above, even when we were 18, they never went on nights out or anything like that. They were born ‘old’ for want of a better expression 😳 Or they’re all of the above and also really academic and a bit snooty with it I guess. They’re okay with me because I’m married to a professional 🙄but they’re just not my type.

I just don’t quite ‘fit’ because I’m considered either too ‘posh’ and ‘bookish’ or whatever by one type and not ‘posh’ (for want of a better word) enough for another type.

Sometimes I wonder where all the women like me are? I like to talk about hair and make up, celebrities and trashy tv, but also, sometimes like to talk about what’s going on in the world, politics etc. I love going for lunch or a walk with friends, but equally love getting dolled up and having a wine or 5. I love my DC but they’re not my whole life, I don’t want to sit and talk endlessly about them.

I’m the most unremarkable person ever, so why can’t I find anyone else on a similar wavelength? Whenever I meet new people I always take them at face value and don’t try and pigeon hole them, but inevitably, around here they do seem to just fall into these two types.

Has anyone else experienced similar? 😳

It sounds as though you over complicate everything with your relentless labelling, l can honestly say l have never fitted in and neither do l have the desire. I love that about myself. You waste a lot of time and energy unnecessarily, just be you and let them be them, simple.

Where I live now I know a lot of farmers wives. Yes, they are often very focussed on the home. That’s because the home and the farm alongside is a business which the whole family is involved in running and which affords them all a livelihood. It’s a different way of life from the 9 to 5 but if you open your mind a bit you might understand it better and find things to interest you. I certainly have.

I’m a farmer’s daughter, I totally understand it thanks. I just see how social climby and elitist it all is. I shunned it growing up and continue to now as it really is all a load of braying and name dropping and just eurgh.

In these circles, it’s how you HAVE to be if you want to bag yourself a wealthy farmer, you don’t really have a choice. They all have housekeepers/ cleaners anyway, it’s just the baking, crafting and twee bits they bother themselves with.

Anyway, we’re going off topic now.

And yes, perhaps now I am pigeon holing people unnecessarily. Obviously there’s exaggeration in my post, I know tens of thousands of people are not going to all fit into two categories, at the moment, I’m just struggling to find people that don’t seem to fall into these categories but I think it’s just the stage of life I’m at and the places I’m going.

Once DC is a bit older I’ll take up some different hobbies (or try to) and perhaps I’ll meet more likeminded people that way.

This certainly doesn’t sound like any farming set up I’ve ever come across. Unless it’s rich people playing at it having made money elsewhere, but that’s a completely different thing.

sounds like your little one is still little, but be careful. If you give the same vibes as you give in your OP, and you come across as thinking you are better than everyone else, you will close doors for your child.

A lot of the children social lives comes from the parents, the more friendly you are with a group, the more your children get invited to playdates, parties, then sleepovers etc. It's human nature. You see it on this forum everyday, people complaining their children are left out when in many cases they are entirely to blame.

To be fair op I think you tried really hard to make it clear that you are not judging either group of women just trying to paint a picture. People will always accuse you of being judgy but if there is a commonality or specific type of behaviour in groups of people there's no way of describing it other than
...describing it!

I think if you've got 7 good friends and a number of aquaintances and live in a rural location and have young kids limiting the time you are able to go out you are doing quite well really! Agree the only real solution (other than moving somewhere more urban) is to join a group or hobby or a new job where you might meet different types of people - perhaps be open to friends who are at a different life stage to you (i.e. quite a bit younger or older?) - variety is the spice of life etc.!

I am a combination of both types you describe. I like a good laugh, still enjoy a few drinks and having a chat and some fun with a few close friends.

Went to Uni so I know a few big words so some people I used to know probably think I am up myself.

I like to get dressed up on a night out and wear make up but only on a night/day out I can’t be bothered every day.

I love my kids to bits and do talk about them and their achievements. Hate reality TV and don’t really discuss hair and make up. I love taking photos of things that appeal to me and I do dressmaking/sewing but that is the only crafty thing I do.

Sometimes I feel like the super successful Career women look down on me because I work part time and had children later in life so I am not a yummy mummy. Yet because I work but work part time and still like a laugh and a drink I am not a down to earth mother earth (crafty/homebaking/homecooking/houseproud mum either).

Hardly! I mean how old are her kids? There does come a time where you have young kids and are flying around in a morning - make up just isn’t a priority- great if you can squeeze it in but just because she can’t it’s nothing to do with your morning routine

I don’t think you can ‘try hard to make it clear you’re not judging’ people while you’re calling them rough or saying they have no personality. That’s judging them. Even if you say ‘I’m not judging’ you are in fact judging them by saying they’re rough or have no personality.

I have the same problem in a way, but I have to say that both type a and b sound horrible to me.
I’ve never found ’my people’.
I would love health nut, teetotaler, single&chilfree, nature-animal-art loving female friends, who live quiet and ’simple’ life.

I get so bored with people who’s only personality seems to be men and kids. And I can’t deal with people who think drinking makes them cool, that becomes sadder and sadder the older we get…

they are playing the stereotypical ‘role’ of a farmer’s wife, bake, craft, be very conservative and ‘wholesome’ and never show too much personality.

But they DO have a personality.
Just not one that you approve of.
It’s very condescending saying they are ’playing’, that’s their chose life.

You sound extremely judgmental and seem to have very rigid beliefs.
Have you thought about just letting people be who they are.
It comes off as you demand people to be certain way for you.
This is going to keep you at distance of other people.
Stop sneering down how people live.

I’m not demanding people be a certain way at all, so long as it doesn’t affect me and my life I don’t care. I’m simply saying I don’t want to be friends with social climbers or people that can’t have a night out without snorting the white stuff.

Maybe get a successful career earning you a good salary so you can move to a more interesting place?

According to you, either the women have never left town and go to university like you did or they were "already old when they were 18". If the area and the people are not as exciting as you'd like and you don't belong because you are a mix of fun and intelligence then move to get a chance to meet your tribe?

"I go to a baby and toddler group most weeks and about a month ago I walked in and the ‘queen bee’ of the group shouted ‘oh here’s Tiger coming in looking all glamorous AGAIN and making us all feel like shit AGAIN’ with a tinkly laugh. There was definitely an edge to it."

Eurgh that sounds horrible OP, what a shitty comment to make. Do you think the queen bee was envious? Don't get me wrong - I feel envy too when I see a mum that I think looks presentable/nice/pretty... but my envy is a different kind of envy. It's the 'I wish I looked like you but I'm secure enough in my scruffiness that I don't begrudge you the prettiness' type of envy - while the above comment (from your baby group woman) seems to come from insecurity if you see what I mean? I HATE comments like that. First of all hello high school behaviour, secondly making yourself popular/interesting by putting someone else down is just shit (which is totally what the queen bee was doing) and thirdly I hate when someone is 'joking' but actually means what they say and just disguises it in a joke... eurgh, so sorry that happened. Just please trust me - as someone who doesn't fit into either of your categories - some of us slightly more scruffy lot genuinely don't judge make up/being dressed up, and I genuinely would love to invest in that stuff more but with DC, work, health issues and feeling constantly knackered I genuinely choose some other stuff over making myself more presentable but as soon as I have more energy I do try (and it actually makes me feel a bit better in myself). Lots of luck finding your tribe 💕

If we were all the same or conformed to your 2 categories imagine how dull our lives would be. Within each group there are individual human beings with differing interests and differing likes and dislikes. I’d avoid someone who pigeonholed me like you’ve done there. How your post reads is group A are too common and group B are too academic- you haven’t considered people are more than their acquaintances and stereotypes you attach.

To be honest I’ve never heard anyone make a comment like that ever. It’s a really unusual way to talk. Have you ever heard someone say ‘here comes x looking all glamorous AGAIN and making us all feel like shit AGAIN?’

To me that sounds more like another projection, as if someone has said something like ‘you look glamorous again’ and it’s been extrapolated into that. If someone actually did say that sentence in the way it’s been written I’d just assume they had some sort of social or communication difficulty that made it difficult for them to communicate normally, because it’s not a normal way of speaking.