To think I just don’t seem to fit in?

[Tigerintheundergrowth]

I think I’m probably going to get flamed for this post as it’ll no doubt come across as judgy, it’s not how I mean it to be but i’m trying to be as pragmatic as possible and sometimes that involves saying it as you see it.

I’ll preface this by saying I am lucky in that I do have about 7 friends that I consider pretty close friends and see regularly (though they’re all separate) so I do have friends, but I struggle to make new ones nowadays.

I find where I live women seem to be two types (generalisation I know but genuinely they really do seem to be)

Type A have lived here their whole lives, (no judgement, so have I apart from a 5 year stint at uni and away for a job, I moved back in my early 20’s) all the family lives within 0.5 mile radius and they all have huge families that have all lived here for generations (my family do live quite close but only my nuclear family, all my extended family live in different parts of the country) they didn’t go to uni etc so all their friends are from high school and they still hang around in the huge groups that they hung around in in high school. (All of my high school friends have moved away, I’m genuinely really sad about this, but it is what it is) Some of them I guess could be considered a bit ‘rough’ around the edges, I know a few were the school bullies for example. They’re married to typically ‘blokey blokes’ that love football, gettin’ on the beers etc.

These people already have their ‘tribe’ and I can just tell they see me as a bit too well spoken as I don’t have a strong local accent (I grew up here too but don’t have the accent, well, not as strong as theirs anyway. I’m absolutely not posh at all, just don’t have a strong, local accent) I’m married to a slightly serious, bookish professional (although he does really enjoy socialising and loves a night out too!) who I know probably wouldn’t gel with their DH’s.

These women are quite glam, love getting dressed up and going on nights out, holidays together etc and I’m definitely in THAT category, I love doing the above.

Type B bake, do crafts, won’t have more than 1 glass of wine because they’re a ‘mum’ now and definitely give you a side eye if you do, don’t really talk about much other than their children. Have no time for any talk of hair or make up etc. I’ve known some of these for ages and they were always like the above, even when we were 18, they never went on nights out or anything like that. They were born ‘old’ for want of a better expression 😳 Or they’re all of the above and also really academic and a bit snooty with it I guess. They’re okay with me because I’m married to a professional 🙄but they’re just not my type.

I just don’t quite ‘fit’ because I’m considered either too ‘posh’ and ‘bookish’ or whatever by one type and not ‘posh’ (for want of a better word) enough for another type.

Sometimes I wonder where all the women like me are? I like to talk about hair and make up, celebrities and trashy tv, but also, sometimes like to talk about what’s going on in the world, politics etc. I love going for lunch or a walk with friends, but equally love getting dolled up and having a wine or 5. I love my DC but they’re not my whole life, I don’t want to sit and talk endlessly about them.

I’m the most unremarkable person ever, so why can’t I find anyone else on a similar wavelength? Whenever I meet new people I always take them at face value and don’t try and pigeon hole them, but inevitably, around here they do seem to just fall into these two types.

Has anyone else experienced similar? 😳

Oh the irony when your bitchy, judgy post was meant to do exactly that.

There is nothing wrong with putting on a bit of make up in the mornings, unless you trowl it on, a bit of light make up literally takes a few minutes and if it makes you feel better about yourself and gives you more confidence to go about your day then great, I don’t see the issue.

I get what you mean.

I go to a baby and toddler group most weeks and about a month ago I walked in and the ‘queen bee’ of the group shouted ‘oh here’s Tiger coming in looking all glamorous AGAIN and making us all feel like shit AGAIN’ with a tinkly laugh. There was definitely an edge to it.

For context I was wearing a jumper, slim fit mom jeans and trainers. I’d brushed my hair and had put on some mascara and tinted Vaseline on my lips as they were dry. Presentable yes, glamorous? No.

I think the issue is when you start being bitchy about the ones who don't 😂
Do you feel so insecure you need to put other people down?

I do have a make-up addiction as it happens, but who has time to think about what others put on their face or not? Unless someone puts their make-up in public transport, then it's ok to judge.

You sound like me. I have my old friends who I grew up with but I don't have much in common with them anymore. I have my mum group who are lovely but are more coffee than cocktail

And to the posters saying I’m judgy and I should just have different friends for different things and not pigeon hole people, I get it, I totally agree and therefore am ‘acquaintances’ with these two different types of women.

The type A I would like to be ‘friends’ with but they just don’t take to me, I don’t know why. It quite probably is me let’s face it but they’ll only keep me as an acquaintance; I think it’s mostly because they already have large friendships groups and families and they just don’t need to add me into that.

The type B- I’m happy to just keep them as acquaintances as I just don’t enjoy their company or conversation enough to have them as friends. But I do meet up with them (mainly due to the DC) occasionally for lunch/ a coffee, so it’s not like I shun them, it’s just after years of having them as acquaintances, it’s never moved to friendships as we just don’t gel and tbh, I know they do judge me because I wear a bit of make up and like nights out.

I actually really don’t care whether people wear make up or not, it’s certainly not a criteria needed for me to be ‘friends’ with someone. I’d say 2 of 7 women that are my closest friends never wear a jot of make up. The fact is they don’t judge me for doing so and I have been judged for it. (And for context I only ever wear light make up, conceal or under my eyes, slick or mascara and a bit of bronzer so I’m hardly trowling it on to go on the nursery run)

Don't kid yourself, I guarantee you that most people don't even notice if you wear genuinely "light make-up" and a bit of mascara.

If it's true a group is judging you and bitching about you, it's not about a touch of tinted vaseline. I have no idea if they do bitch and why they would, but I am sure it's not just about light make-up, because again, most people can't see it!

It kind of sounds like you judge other people by sight and then assume that they do the same to you. I try to reserve judgement and it’s a huge priority of mine not to put my preconceptions onto other people. So unless somebody said to me ‘I don’t like you because you went to uni and you’re so posh and have a bookish husband’ it would never occur to me to think that they thought that. I try not to decide what other people think.

Because from your op it comes across more like you’ve cast them in the role of the ‘rough’ working class girl who didn’t go to uni and married a working class man, then you’ve viewed them through that lens and decided they must be intimidated by you and your well educated husband. When in fact it could be that they’ve picked up on your judgement of them and that’s why they’re more reserved.

What are the chances that everyone else is either ‘rough’ or boring, and you’re just the main character and are much more special and interesting? Isn’t it much more likely that if you spoke to and made the effort with all these people, at least a few of them would be richly interesting and multi layered people just like you?

i have not picked you up as being bitchy or judgy at all, u have explained the situation you are in.
as i said before dont fake anything. if people don't take to you that's totally fine. but don't waste your time also doing things with groups you see are just acquaintances now. and as for the judgy make up friend. please wear more make up next time you see her and give her something more to talk about. just be u and enjoy life.

You sound like me OP. Seven friends is impressive! I caused a diplomatic incident at DS' school by suggesting on Whatsapp that a fellow mum "drop and run" on a playdate at mine. (I even did a winky face!) She spluttered a lot and a couple of other mums "had a word" because I'd embarrassed her. She'd have a coronary if she heard how my bestie and I speak to each other...

Wonder what an average man might think reading this thread - Type A, Type B, queen bee, etc 😂

Blokes just chat to other blokes. Job done. I have an adult son (NT and sporty, to be fair) and was gobsmacked seeing how easy it was for him to make friends growing up. Literally zero drama, no "groups" or "types", the boys all just got on. Now they're all easy-going mates as adults. Such a contrast to my own experience. Why is it so different for girls and women?!

I do understand OP. I'd just talk to anyone and everyone and take up new hobbies, and see how you get on. It's great that you have some fab existing friends. Maybe focus on quality, not quantity?

And watch Motherland for a laugh!

very true.

Also true that the ones complaining about "drama" and the bitchy school mums ARE the drama. Most people just get on with their lives 😂

It’s confusing reading this because you do have friends! How many do you need / want? Not being snarky at all, I just don’t know how people navigate so many and fit them in to daily life.

And this is why I'm glad I live in London. This sort of situation simply isn't an issue here.

@ComtesseDeSpair beautiful post full of wisdom, thank you

I'm the same as you OP!

@ComtesseDeSpairbeautiful post full of wisdom, thank you

I too, enjoyed that post....

Yes. I can relate.

I moved to london and found my tribe. Probably not helpful though, sorry!

This sounds just like me too! I have found 3 local friends like me though and luckily and we all get on really well so I'm halt with that!

Can I be your friend?

The thing about London is it’s big enough to enable people only to mix with people like them. I’m not sure that’s healthy, though. I find people who have never left London to be some of the most narrow minded ones of my acquaintance, because they don’t interact with anyone who isn’t like them. Moving to the countryside broadened my social horizons, which I had not expected!

I live in London but people still hate me.

I wish we could all be friends 😔

Yes, I do think somewhere like London I would probably meet more likeminded people, I wouldn’t want to live in London though unfortunately for me! I think it’s a small town/ rural thing? Especially in places where people have tended to live there their whole lives as they already have good, established friendship networks and lots of family around so even if they are ‘fun’ they just don’t need anyone else in their life.

My county is quite rural and most of the Type B’s are farmer’s wives and I think unconsciously they are playing the stereotypical ‘role’ of a farmer’s wife, bake, craft, be very conservative and ‘wholesome’ and never show too much personality. Doing all this will hopefully keep you in ‘the big house’ and driving the new Discovery. It’s depressing.

OP, unless you live in a 30-person hamlet miles from civilisation, the people in your area are not either Type As or Type Bs with no other “Types” and nothing in between. You’re allowing your preconceptions – of what you think about others, and of how you think they perceive you - to guide how you relate to people and it’s ultimately holding you back from approaching new friendship opportunities because you’ve already convinced yourself that they’ll be non-starters. It’s self-prophesising.

Think about how daft your last post sounds, really. You’re writing off hundreds – thousands? - of people in your local area who you might have the opportunity to meet and get to know if you joined some groups or took up a hobby because they apparently aren’t like you; and you’re then saying that you wish you could be friends with a thread of anonymous posters, simply because they also have few friends, think they don’t fit in, and think they’re also perceived in a particular way, thus you’d all obviously get on like a house on fire. The reality is that you’d probably get on with, at most, a couple of the posters on this thread, be entirely indifferent to the majority of them, and actively dislike a handful. The same is true of real life, but that’s fine. You only need to meet two or three or four people in your area who you share actual interests with and get on with, and I am assuring you that they absolutely exist regardless of how hard you’ve already “Typed” them out.

Have you ever had a think about – or even talked over with somebody – whether perhaps some of your attitude is a fear thing? As in, you fear rejection and therefore it’s simply easier to convince yourself that you’re different and there’s no way you’d have anything in common with anyone around you anyway, which therefore validates not really trying?

Over here OP!
I discovered a long time ago that the way to make this work is to not expect any person or group to tick all your boxes. So you go out on the town with the As and you talk about politics with the Bs.
Rather than see yourself as belonging nowhere, reframe it as belonging in both camps, able to move between them as the fancy takes you.