How do people do it?

[Anonymoususe]

im a SAHM 2 children almost 3 and almost 2, husband works FT long hours out the house for 12 hrs a day sometimes more, 5/6 days a week.

I am SO tired all the time. I’ve always struggled with having the 2 close together and always feel like I’m just getting through rather than living a fulfilling life and doing loads with the children. Getting through the days is hard every day.

I guess what’s got me all thinking about this is I’ve just seen a friend post a photo of being at the gym at 530 they’re in great shape work full time no kids. I’d LOVE to lose some weight I really need to shift another 2 stone to be in healthy BMI range and I’m so miserable about my appearance. My children aren’t great sleepers and we are woken a lot through the night then usually up from 5ish - bring them down at 6, husband leaves at 6.30 for work. I suppose my AIBU is am I just making excuses about why I couldn’t do what my friend does? I.e go to the gym at that time of morning? It feels impossible to me right now but HOW do people do it? How do you all juggle being a parent and taking care of yourself too? For a while I was doing home workouts but even that I’ve given up on I just can’t seem to get going! I’d say my knowledge around food is pretty good I’ve done a lot of research and am part of a great group for this. But it’s the exercise that is the hardest part and the thing I need to work on the most. I also struggle massively with anxiety / social anxiety but obviously being overweight and unhappy in myself doesn’t help this. Any tips would be greatly appreciated x

Your friend doesn’t have two small children that don’t sleep well! Cut yourself some slack.
If you want to exercise more is there any kind of buggy fit class nearby?
It will get easier when they are in school and you get some free time back but finding time for yourself as mum of toddlers is hard.
Could you find some exercise you enjoy at the weekend?

Forget the gym and your weight...just pat yourself on the back every day for being an amazing mamma!! Can you start a journal with things like 'worst thing that happened today' or 'funniest moment' ? This stage will pass, your children will start school (you'll probably cry!) and you'll have have more time to yourself. Just embrace the life you're in right now.

It feels impossible to me right now but HOW do people do it?

Because she doesn't have two little kids who don't sleep well?

I don't have kids who don't sleep well either, but 05:30 in the gym is a bridge too far for me. Maybe she's just a morning person and spends her afternoons in a coma?

Do you get time for yourself at all at the weekends or when they are in bed?

I'm a lone parent and I used to find just going for a coffee by myself an absolute joy .

There are some good YouTube channels I do one which is just 20 mins a day. But honestly if you aren't getting enough sleep or rest I'd focus on things like drinking enough water, taking vitamins and eating well.

The young years are super tough OP, cut yourself a lot of slack.

Your situation - 2 kids under age 3 - and the friend with no children are completely different. Why are you comparing apples with pears?

Most parents take less good care of themselves when life is busy. It is very hard to fit it in.

What I would suggest if you want to increase your exercise is do you have a double buggy? Try to take the kids for a walk each day, it will be good for all of you. The gym is not necessary to get a bit of exercise in.

Exercise is great to get you fit but it’s diet that loses the weight.
You can lose weight without any exercise at all if you are in a calorie deficit. I became disabled and piled 3+ stone on. I lost it without leaving the sofa by focusing on calories by logging everything on My Fitness Pal.

Do you have family nearby, anyone that could look after DC for just a couple of hours a week so you can have some time? Do you go out every day with DC & walk?

I do go to the gym early in the morning and had a small age gap between DC. I couldn’t have gone to the gym when they were small!
It just wasn’t possible!

Be kind to yourself, don’t punish yourself for not being able to do what a single childless person does because I think in your position she would struggle too!

Your friends doesn't have 2 young children to take care of. To be fair, I don't have kids, but still struggle to consistently maintain a proper exercise schedule, work full time and take care of the house and garden. I'd say you're doing well given your circumstances right now and should cut yourself some slack.

Maybe aim to do one home work out a week for the rest of June and see if you can slowly ease yourself back into exercising?

It’s hard to get in to it, but what you have to do is prioritise your health / fitness for that day. So follow a plan, then at the start of the day decide what time you’ll exercise and stick to it.

I tend to go first thing now, but if I’m at home with 2 young children I do a home workout and it might be: early on when they’re having breakfast and eating cartoons; mid morning when they’re happy to play and they join in with me; over nap time. After that it tends to pass by and I don’t fancy exercising but one of those morning slots is fine.

you don’t have to be pulling 100kg each day, but doing something you enjoy and that you can stay consistent with is key. Also doing mobility work is good with children as that will get rid of that stiff feeling.

Does your local leisure centre have a creche ? If so (most do) it is a complete game changer

Lack of sleep can really mess with your appetite and your ability to control it, so please don't beat yourself up. Try and make more sensible choices where you can and get them into nursery once you get your free hours so you have some time for yourself.
Work with what you have available, don't expect the impossible, the life you are living right now is hard work and doesn't leave much space for anything. You will get to a stage where there is time again, perhaps just accepting that it may be a year or so before you get to that point might make it all feel easier and less like you're at fault. (Because you aren't!)

You're doing fine. Why does your friend need to post a pic of herself at the gym at stupid o clock? She sounds a bit shallow and boastful to me.

At this age children are exhausting! I promise it will get better OP.

Be gentle with yourself. The early years are like living in a glass of lemonade - there’s no peace or calm. That will change. I try to do something every day - on a good day I’ll get to the gym/pool, or I’ll get a half hour bike ride in, or I’ll do an exercise video on YouTube. At the moment I’m doing a lot of EvaFitness because the workouts are fast, low impact and not hard to follow, and best of all - she doesn’t talk. She just does the moves and you dance along with her. They’re about 20-40 minutes long and even if you aim for 20 minutes you’re better off than not doing 20 minutes.

You definitely don't need to be worrying about the gym right now. If you're feeling down or self-conscious about your weight you could always try just cutting calories down by a small amount. If you're eating right already then you should gradually lose weight that way without feeling starved.

It can all happen further down the line though!

I do a mum fit class on my day off work (DS tags alone with me) and then I do an exercise vid once or twice a week. You don't need a gym - just a mat and some light weights to get started. Both DC have a go at the moves with me or just play. I also aim to do at least 7k steps a day. I find I've got loads more energy if I work out regularly.

I'd be looking at sleep training options though if they're both poor sleepers, it's unsustainable to be having crap sleep every night. Even something like a gro clock for mornings (admittedly didn't work till nearly 4 for my eldest) might help you get an extra hour.

With such young kids it is about surviving really

I did not start to have enough time for regular gym visits until they were about 10

Try to be kind to yourself, eat good quality good, try to catch a nap at weekends, try to maybe do sport once a week (at weekends), and slowly build it up from there

It's the toughest years

I always think... You can have it all in life but not all at the same time. Your current situation is not one I'd say is compatible with being in the best shape of your life! You're honestly in survival mode.

My mum is 59 and the fittest person I know, when she had us in her 20s she never worked out or anything like that.

Just go easy on yourself. When your kids are at school life will settle down for you in some ways. At this point just try to be healthy and not put on any additional weight.

The gym is a moot point. You don’t need it to lose weight, get a yoga mat, do callisthenics, body weight exercises, Pilates, all free and you don’t have to leave. Plus losing weight is like 99% diet so start there.

You have two small children! Things started turning around with my time:child ratio just after she turned three – lots more independent play, lots more independence generally. She’s four now and brushes her own teeth, gets dressed herself, goes to the loo and wipes her own bum, wanders off to “read” books to herself, etc. It’s simply less tiring. She also now sleeps through. Of course like a twat I ruined it by having another baby…

You’ve got a little way to go but you’ll get there: it’s hellish when they don’t sleep and of course there’s no way you can get up at 5 to do a yoga session or whatever if you’ve been up at 4am resettling one of them then they’re up anyway. Lack of sleep deregulates your hormones and makes you hungrier, plus running around after two children is a recipe for sugar cravings imo.

Stop beating yourself up: it feels impossible right now because it is!

Well like people said your friend doesn't have kids but I'm generally very impressed with anyone who has young children and still makes it to the gym. Admittedly, I never went to the gym before kids so I was never going to go after.

I think some people just have a lot more energy than others, my husband is like this, we both work and do equal parenting and nightdress but he happily gets up at 5:15 to go to the gym before work. I'm grateful that he goes while the rest of the house is sleeping so that he's here in the evenings to help out but I also kind of think he's insane.

I feel like you OP, I'm wiped by the end of the day and I'll take any opportunity to maximise my sleep rather than getting up early to do stuff. I will say though, I think I'd be a lot more drained if I didn't work. I had 10 days off work last week and it was nice at first but by the end of it the days were starting to feel long and I found I was looking forward to naptime/bedtime so I could get a rest.

Don’t compare yourself to others and your life will get easier in a year or two.
Could you afford a gym membership with a crèche or another option is do 10 minutes of HITT or other exercise at home, there are lots of free workouts available?

It's hard, but it's about prioritising exercise if that's what you want to do.

When mine were small, my daily runs were the only time I had to myself - my only time out of the house, with my own headspace, and nobody demanding anything from me.
So I prioritised that, even though it means getting up earlier and getting out before the rest of the house is up - or on the days that just wasn't possible due to childcare, doing something at home or with the kids instead. Jogging up hills with both children in the buggy was vicious, but it made me feel good. And now they're a bit older, of course it's much easier.

It's not about some people having "more energy" - it's never easy to go to bed early and get up at 5am for a run - but just about figuring out what's important to you. And for me, running saved my mental health through some incredibly difficult years. Keeping me slim and fit was an added bonus.

Will your older one start preschool soon (September?) Having a few hours of just one child instead of two can be so much easier.

Also you friend has no kids. She can go to the gym when she likes as no one else is depending on her. She's not planning her life around the needs of others currently.

You are doing a good job. Be kind to yourself.

Did you plan to have two children so close together?

It seems most people just rush to get pregnant, they give ZERO thought to the cost or practicalities. Your friend can go to the gym because she doesn't have the commitments that you have. Now, I don't know if your situation was planned, but it surely occurred to you at some point that two kids would effectively mean you giving up pretty much your entire life to look after them.

Kids are brutal. They will destroy you financially and emotionally. Some people have the resources to offset some of the consequences, but most people don't.

If you were to go to the gym, who would look after the kids? I don't think it would be fair to expect your partner to do it having worked a 12 hour shift.

You could try some at home exercise. We're you overweight before you got pregnant? That's important in terms of motivation, if you weren't motivated to get your weight down before you got pregnant, then you have double the battle ahead of you. You only have to look at the parents outside any school gates at kicking out time to realise that obesity is rife, parents in the UK are huge!

I don't think you're lazy as such, but perhaps a little naive as to the effect children would have on your life.