How do people do it?

[Anonymoususe]

im a SAHM 2 children almost 3 and almost 2, husband works FT long hours out the house for 12 hrs a day sometimes more, 5/6 days a week.

I am SO tired all the time. I’ve always struggled with having the 2 close together and always feel like I’m just getting through rather than living a fulfilling life and doing loads with the children. Getting through the days is hard every day.

I guess what’s got me all thinking about this is I’ve just seen a friend post a photo of being at the gym at 530 they’re in great shape work full time no kids. I’d LOVE to lose some weight I really need to shift another 2 stone to be in healthy BMI range and I’m so miserable about my appearance. My children aren’t great sleepers and we are woken a lot through the night then usually up from 5ish - bring them down at 6, husband leaves at 6.30 for work. I suppose my AIBU is am I just making excuses about why I couldn’t do what my friend does? I.e go to the gym at that time of morning? It feels impossible to me right now but HOW do people do it? How do you all juggle being a parent and taking care of yourself too? For a while I was doing home workouts but even that I’ve given up on I just can’t seem to get going! I’d say my knowledge around food is pretty good I’ve done a lot of research and am part of a great group for this. But it’s the exercise that is the hardest part and the thing I need to work on the most. I also struggle massively with anxiety / social anxiety but obviously being overweight and unhappy in myself doesn’t help this. Any tips would be greatly appreciated x

You don't have to go to the gym or exercise classes to lose weight.

Go back to work and put them in childcare. X

You are just making excuses. It’s a common ex guys and even you see other people saying ‘oh X isn’t achievable when you have kids’ then it reinforces it.
There’s no reason you can’t be healthy and active with a 3 and 2 year old.
You could go to the gym one morning and o r evening and live a more active life the rest of the time. Walk instead of driving, do core exercises on the floor with your children while they play etc

She might be making it look easy but the whole reason she shared that photo is because she obviously feels proud of herself for dragging herself up and out and making it to the gym.

So yes she’s doing it, but A) she finds it hard just like you and B) she doesn’t have two young children who aren’t sleeping well.

Exercise gives you more energy too (allegedly) so maybe you’ll find it easier as time goes on.

If you were to go to the gym, who would look after the kids? I don't think it would be fair to expect your partner to do it having worked a 12 hour shift.
Why on earth isn’t it fair? He’s a parent outside of his working hours. She’s also got a 12-hour shift looking after the kids. They’re both entitled to breaks and time for fitness. Or is she supposed to parent 24/7?

You need to cut yourself some slack - she can do it because she doesn’t have two kids. That said, losing weight doesn’t need you to be in the gym at 5:30am.

During lockdown I piled it on, it was ridiculous. So I got a personal trainer for a few sessions. The biggest takeaway from it was that a significant part of weight loss is diet. With his help I tweaked my diet, initially (for two weeks) very strictly and then reintroduced some stuff, but cut out other stuff entirely except on “cheat” day. I’m never hungry, the diet is sustainable and easy to do and the weight dropped off me - 4 stones worth at the last count.

I’m not suggesting everyone should get a trainer, but the stuff he helped me with is probably readily available online. To be honest it was stuff I already knew but just needed someone to motivate me to implement.

Even before I had kids I wouldn't be able to get to the gym at 5.30! Right now it's all about survival OP, take the kids out in the pram for some exercise if you really want to, but honestly don't worry about it. It's relentless, give yourself a break!

OP you can't compare lifestyles that are so different, you can however make changes and work on yourself in a way that suits you and the children. 5.30am gym after a night of broken sleep? Nope. Start with upping the day to day activity, so getting out and walking more, add in a couple of YouTube videos that the kids might want to join in with? Keep healthy foods and snacks in the house as it's so hard to eat well if you're tired.

Think about what exercise you enjoy and makes you feel good? How can you incorporate that into your week? So yes your husband works 12 hour days but you could have your bag ready for 7pm and be out of the door. You need to try and carve out time for you not to look like your 5.30am friend but to feel better about yourself.

Well because... she doesn't have kids!
Some gyms have a crèche - that's what I did with my eldest. I returned to work when he was five months so he went to daycare then, but gave up work (partly due to medical reasons) after my second.
It is a hard slog. Doubly so if your kids don't sleep well.
You have to adjust to what is realistically possible. I know a woman who takes her children to the park near the school (her oldest is in reception). She has the younger in the pushchair and the oldest runs as she does a brisk walk around the park a few times, then older goes in to school and she walks home - eldest has some energy release and mum got a bit of a cardio work out. You could do that now, if your three year old can keep up. Or online videos as suggested.
But that's just one small aspect. Give yourself a break. Until they go to school the kids are your full time job. Not always an enjoyable one either.

Your situation is very different to hers. But if you want to - and I mean literally, if this is something that you want and not something that you feel you "should" be doing - it can be done, but it requires full support of your husband. The morning sounds hard, but two days a week when your husband gets home he can be the on duty parent dealing with wake ups and you take yourself off to the gym for an hour. If he gets in around 7 that should be possible, you can go out 7-9.

Do the smalls go to Nursery at all? You need downtime too.

I agree

you definitely don’t need to wait until the kids are 10 to look after your health!

I have a 2.5 yo and also pregnant with number 2. Haven’t exercised since before DC1. I’m having a hiatus for a few years and will restart when they are at school.

I am careful with what I eat and I can control that so that’s all I’m doing to maintain my healthy weight. Not very toned but there’s time in the future!!

What's the point of comparing yourself to someone with no kids??

Compare yourself to a single parent working full time maybe?

I walk everywhere - try not to snack on kids meals/eat leftovers. Try not to use sugar to get through the days (and nights)

She doesn't work, so that's her responsibility. He has to work to pay the bills, he has to be fully rested otherwise he won't be able to function properly in his job, without his wages what what would happen?

This fuzzy thinking, that the working partner must also look after the kids, is just ridiculous. His side of the deal is to work himself ragged, doing 12 hour shifts, so that the OP can stay at home and look after the kids. I don't know what the OP's partner does for a living, but some people have jobs where they are responsible for other people's lives, I wouldn't want an exhausted bus driver taking me to work. At least the OP can have a quick nap or zone out if she's tired, her partner can't. This goes back to what I said before, people just don't plan when they have kids.

It's not fair or reasonable to expect the OP's partner to look after the kids when he comes home from a 12 hour shift. What is the point of the OP not working if he still has to do the childcare AND the parenting.

Did you use to go to the gym before children? I found that exercise gives me energy. If I don't do it, then I get tired more easily. When I had my first, I dropped the gym membership and switched to home workouts. That was a while ago with DVDs and then I moved on to YouTube. At the start of lockdown, I got Les Mills+. It's really good and it was the classes I used to do at the gym. I also work so I exercise after bedtime. I aim for 30min 3 days a week. It's a lot less than I used to do but it's what I could manage now.

Baby steps. Start with a walk/run in the evenings to build up your fitness levels until theyre at nursery/school.

Oh and when I was on my maternity leave, I did my DVD workouts during the day. I'm sure you can find the time. It's really just about finding time for yourself. My toddler went to nursery 3 days a week during my maternity, so maybe that helps? Are yours at nursery at all?

Or mornings of course

This is why social media like Facebook, Instagram is so shit and annoying. The boastful and smug posting of the minutiae of peoples lives and the inevitable comparing that follows. Ugh.

I would check out a local park fit class where you can bring small children. I did that with my youngest and it was a lifesaver as it committed us to get out of the house earlyish (9am) for fresh air and exercise for a relatively low cost (no cost of expensive gym creche). I used to take colouring, snacks, balls etc to keep her entertained. Mine are at school now but I still go all year round (unless it's raining)- it definitely keeps me sane especially during the winter months!

When does the OP have downtime then?

Give the poor guy a break, imagine thinking he should spend an hour all alone with his own children.

Under his eye.

Haven’t exercised since before DC1. I’m having a hiatus for a few years and will restart when they are at school

Honestly, this is one of the most depressing things I've read on MN in a while.
You don't get men giving up their activities and free time for 4 or 5 years when their kids are born, do you? Quite the opposite- threads on here are full of blokes vanishing off for hours on end for golf/ cycling/ 5 a side/ whatever.

Exercise has been proven to have huge mental and physical benefits to your health. Even just 30 mins 3x a week is better than nothing - so why not make your own wellbeing a priority rather than putting yourself on hiatus for half a decade?

I honestly don’t understand posts like this. Doing exercise is so beneficial to your body, mind, health, mental wellness etc. Keeping healthy is beneficial to your children.

it can literally be 30 minutes 3-4 times a week, which EVERYONE has time for. No need to “take time off” exercise for a few years