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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd only one not invited

67 replies

Jennybeans401 · 05/06/2023 22:28

Dd has been in the current school since around end of September last year and in Y5. There are only a few girls in the class (about 6 including dd).

The other girls have excluded her at break and playtimes, there is a clique and dd has really tried but just doesn't fit in. She's alone at break and lunch and she hates it. I've spoken to the teacher and head in the past and they've said they'll do something to help her but there's been no support.

Today shes come home heartbroken because the girl she sits next to mentioned how excited she was about X's birthday party (girls in glass).
There are so few girls though,isn't it just so spiteful to leave one girl out?

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 05/06/2023 22:30

Is there a bigger school nearby?

Friendship issues in such a small school are hard to resolve

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 05/06/2023 22:32

The bigger community school is massively over subscribed. We're in a village surrounded by tiny schools.

We moved due to bullying in another small school.

We are considering home ed but we're desperately hoping the school would help.

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 05/06/2023 22:33

Your poor DD.
Disgusting.
I would move her as fast as possible.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 05/06/2023 22:34

She's a nice girl dd, first one to help when someone trips or falls, kind, very helpful. I'm not just saying it because she's my dd, her teacher and lots of others say the same.

I'm so upset that this is happening.

OP posts:
StupidCupidKeepsOnCallinMe · 05/06/2023 22:37

Have you tried inviting these girls round to play? Maybe encouraging the friendships would help? Get to know their parents and have a get together? If you can't move her (which might not solve anything) it's got to be worth the effort?

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/06/2023 22:38

I would get her on waiting list for oversubscribed school .

This one doesn’t seem to be helping.

are there actives locally she can join?

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 05/06/2023 22:41

This is bullying talk to the school or just mover her

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 05/06/2023 22:46

@StupidCupidKeepsOnCallinMe I don't know the parents of the girls, some of them go to an afterschool club and I don't see their parents at all. I do chat to some of the parents at pick up but there are so few people at the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 05/06/2023 22:52

It's just so spiteful and nasty.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/06/2023 22:57

As said in thread couple of days ago. I'd put her name on waiting list for bigger school and home Ed for time being. She was bullied at last school, excluded at this one.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 05/06/2023 23:05

Thanks @Hankunamatata yes I can't let her become more upset about this

OP posts:
SlumMumBum · 05/06/2023 23:13

I'm sorry, your poor DD. This happened to my child and we ended up moving them. The change was almost immediate and they are much happier now.

I would be speaking to the school daily until they provide a better solution - they must be alive to these issues given how many children there are.

Good luck - I know only too well how heartbreaking it is.

Ginola2345 · 05/06/2023 23:14

This is awful.

My dd was in a relatively small class with 10 girls. Her and two others were always left out from the end of year 5 into year 6. It was made worse by parents boasting on social media saying X invited all the girls in her class over for a birthday or last day of school sleepover (except DD and two others).

Half way through year 7 the nastiness was at its worse as lots of these girls competed in a sad vile popularity concert (stealing from parents to buy the even more popular girls treats and presents, taking semi nude photos etc etc etc).

By the end of year 8 DD had found some nicer girls who also weren’t interested in competing in the ongoing vile popularity contest.

Encourage your DD to take part in activities outside of school.

Annasoror · 05/06/2023 23:19

Ah, your poor girl. It breaks your heart, doesn't it. We had terrible trouble with my son, who is also incredibly kind and sweet-natured.
I'd focus on extracurricular activities where possible and home-ed her for a bit. It sounds miserable. I don't know why kids can't be a bit kinder en masse. It's not asking for much, is it.

ForestLilac · 05/06/2023 23:21

This is so shit of the other parents. If there’s only six girls they must be at least aware that she is in the class? And they’re happy to only invite the same five girls? Shite.

And is it worth asking for the bullying policy to be emailed, and state in writing what your issues are? Then it’s all in writing and it might shock the school into pulling their fingers out of their arses?

Ginola2345 · 05/06/2023 23:26

I would maybe do this about the bullying policy. But often it is at such a low level that girls in year 5 onwards can be very sneaky and are good at avoiding getting caught.

Definitely be careful as if the school handle it badly the kids may pick up that it came from your DD and it could make things worse also definitely don’t speak to the parents either as in our experience some are so tactless and self absorbed it either goes over their heads or things that maybe wouldn’t be said in an ideal way are said in front of children to also escalate things.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 05/06/2023 23:37

Thanks, I have spoken to the school so many times and explained that she's been excluded.

They seem to want to blame dd for "social and communication difficulties" but outside school she has lots of friends. She plays in a tennis club and has lots of friends there. The other girls are interested in different activities.

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 06/06/2023 01:39

Perhaps your DD does have social and communication difficulties in a school environment though? She's had problems at two schools now so would a third school be a magic solution? This is no criticism of her btw, school is not a 'one size fits all' place and clubs not connected to the school are completely different environments.
Maybe ask the teachers to expand on what they mean? If she does have issues then it would be much kinder and fairer to explore them before sending her to a third school where she might encounter more bullying.

Flatandhappy · 06/06/2023 02:42

Unfortunately this is often a problem in small schools as I know from experience. The group of four girls in DS’s Y6 class totally imploded to the point where two left and DS got pushed out of his group by a new kid who decided the class could only accommodate one “sporty boy”. Nightmare. Trouble is, by year 5 most of the parents will have little involvement and if their kid has a friendship group they are used to accommodating they often won’t even consider making an effort to include a new child unless their kids ask. I don’t think it’s necessarily malicious tbh, just careless and a bit lazy but lots of parents are working full time so will stick with what is easy. There is also a limit to what the school can do, they can’t force the other girls to genuinely include her rather than making them sit beside her. I would encourage the out of school friendships and think very carefully about where she will go for secondary.

Trying2understand · 06/06/2023 02:58

Just awful. I'm always shocked parents allow their dd's to do this. Imagine if it was your child left out? We have actually consciously chosen larger schools after our very negative experience with a smaller school. I have a friend who is a school psychologist and she told me anecdotally that in her experience small schools are particularly hard on girls.

I'd echo others comments to look at after school activities, even in other neighbouring villages or towns (new social circles) where your dd may make friends. I know girls that age that have met best friends through Irish Dancing, Guides, Synchronised Swimming, Orchestra etc. Often more unique activities that require more than just an hour or two a week together, are a good way to make new friends. It makes sense spending 5+ hours/week with the same kids that have similar interests, helps create new friendships.

I'm sorry your dd is going through this. I often think the kind kids are particularly targeted.

PeppermintPorpoise · 06/06/2023 03:02

Is it fair to say the school telling you about her social and communication issues is blaming her? They see her at school interacting with others, maybe there is a problem. Making friends with a wider variety of people at school is very different to making friends at a mutual interest club outside of school that they arent at all day 5 days a week. What did they say when they talked about social and communication issues? Did they expand into what the issues are?

Trying2understand · 06/06/2023 03:02

Just read your update. I'd help her understand that her friendships sadly just won't be found at school. It's very hard but it happens to many kids.

I'd press the school to better explain what social and communication difficulties are. If you are being excluded, it's hard to be on top form!!!

IamThegreaterMole · 06/06/2023 03:11

An appeal for the bigger school could be successful as it’s not KS1 where infant class size applies. Post a thread in Primary Education about what to look for for an appeal, there are really knowledgeable and helpful people there who can help.

As well as a better chance for DD to find her tribe, a larger school may well be better at helping her if she does have some difficulties. I would really try to get her out of that school, whatever the reason it isn’t working for her.

lollipoprainbow · 06/06/2023 06:39

This is my dd too it's heartbreaking especially as she has no friends outside of school either.

Dacadactyl · 06/06/2023 07:03

I don't think moving her again is the answer tbh. She's already been to 2 schools and has had issues in both of them. You need to tell her to rise above it and play with some of the boys IMO.