Dd only one not invited

[Jennybeans401]

Dd has been in the current school since around end of September last year and in Y5. There are only a few girls in the class (about 6 including dd).

The other girls have excluded her at break and playtimes, there is a clique and dd has really tried but just doesn't fit in. She's alone at break and lunch and she hates it. I've spoken to the teacher and head in the past and they've said they'll do something to help her but there's been no support.

Today shes come home heartbroken because the girl she sits next to mentioned how excited she was about X's birthday party (girls in glass).
There are so few girls though,isn't it just so spiteful to leave one girl out?

I would ask school for a meeting to discuss in detail the social difficulties they see during school time.

I completely understand how awful it feels when you see your child unhappy, but "blaming" and trying to paint other children in a bad light does not help your child in the long run, neither does pressuring the school to intervene in friendships.

As unkind as it may seem nobody has the "right" to friendship with specific people. It's not something that can be forced upon others and will only backfire. Making and keeping friends is an ability like any other and there will be children who flourish in whatever circumstance, and those that require there to be a specific type of person and environment for it to be possible, but still have equally positive friendships.

Remind your daughter that it is completely normal that a group of children who have known each other for a long time will generally take longer to include others than a group that doesn't know each other well. This is no reflection on how she is as a friend and isn't personal, but it equally isn't a reflection on the other children involved.

She has the right to be respected, and not intentionally hurt, but she cannot control the emotional maturity of others and that teenage years are a learning period. Even the most well meaning children will have to navigate a mine field of friendships together with social media. What she can do is try to initiate one on one meet ups with a few of the girls she feels she connects the best with.

On the whole a larger school would be better just because it is more likely she will meet a range of children with many types of friendship bonds, however the important thing is making sure your daughter understands that the situation as it is now in no way reflects on her ability to be and have good friends.

Our primary school has 30 per class. Those that moved from the much smaller school near by do much better in the bigger class as more friends to chose from. Y5 girls can be heartless but school should be doing more to support her integration

Great Post. Was thinking the same but struggling how to articulate it without being pounced on.

The reality is too that as a parent I would simply ask my dc when primary age who they wanted at a party. If it was an activity and I was on a budget I would say how many they could ask to be within budget. If at home I would restrict numbers for it to be manageable

Are these the girls that are all doing serious gymnastics? Sorry if that’s not you but it sounds familiar to a thread I’ve seen before. Doesn’t excuse their behaviour at all, but it is significant because if that’s what they do at break and it’s all they talk about then even if they stop being so overtly nasty, your DD is still never going to be part of their group so I don’t know what would be gained by leaving her there. Can you appeal for the larger school? There are some really knowledgeable posters on here that might be able to help if you start a specific thread.

Brilliant post from @Spirallingdownwards

No one has the right to be invited to a party outside of school hours. It does seem very cruel that your daughter isn't invited, but it's not possible to force friendships

The school is saying that your daughter has some communication issues. Rather than ignoring this I would drill down into it and see what the school means

It is true that this is the second school your daughter has had problems with. Perhaps she's just unlucky or perhaps, at school, she needs to make some changes to how she is abd hoe she acts and communicates

How often do you have her classmates over for playdates after school and at the weekends?

Sorry - also brilliant post from @creasedclothes 🙂

Must be heartbreaking for you to witness. Maybe home ed and wait until a space comes up at the other school.
I had a sort of argument with my DH about this subject, one of the school mums got in touch with him to say his dd (my sd) and a group of girls in the class (yr6) were excluding her daughter. He was of the opinion that children are entitled to be friends with whoever they want. I disagree.
When my son (now and adult) was at primary school I found out him and his friends were excluding a boy at playtimes and lunchtimes. I took his PlayStation away and told him he wouldn't get it back until he found something to like about the boy at school and that he understood that it's bullying to leave people out. I still stand by that and the world would be a nicer place if people taught there children to treat people with kindness.

While no one has a right to be invited to a party outside of school, the school does have some obligations towards the happiness and mental health of their students while at school. If one child is alone for every break and lunch time, they do have an obligation to do something about that.

Whilst no one is ‘entitled’ to be invited to a party or to hang out at break times and lunch, common decency tells you that with such a small group of girls, leaving just one out is incredibly unkind.

I simply would not want my daughter to be around people like this, it says everything about who they are. I would not tell her to rise above it and play with the boys (!!) I would absolutely say she is a great person and deserves lovely friends and these people are just not up to the job. The school is inadequate.

For your own peace of mind, I would have a one to one before you leave, and find out if you are missing anything - communication issues etc, as that is helpful feedback if true and you can address it at home privately. Be aware they are likely to pin this on your dd, what other defence do they have, so weigh up the information carefully.

Move her or home educate immediately, don’t let her endure any more of this nonsense.

The girls left may be shocked, some may even follow. Such a small number was always going to be an issue. It’s too intense at this age.

This.

As said in thread couple of days ago. I'd put her name on waiting list for bigger school and home Ed for time being. She was bullied at last school, excluded at this one.

At this point, i would suggest counselling before moving to another school. To boost her self worth, also if a child has certain problems relating to other children - these problems will follow to any school.

What was the bullying I the previous school and what specifically are the children doing now?

If she's had similar experiences in two different schools then I'd maybe explore that there are social and comunication issues.

I think a decent parent knowing fine well their are only six girls in the class I would either pick one or two friends to invite from class or encourage my DD to invite everyone.

Obviously inviting 30 kids is expensive but personally I would rather invite all 5 other kids from the class than leave only 1 child out.

I wish more people thought like you the world would be a nicer place:)

Are you the same poster whose Dd was crying and very anxious about going back to school? Have you tried to speak with the staff again? It doesn't really sound like anything is going to change at this stage and one more year of this may be awful for her. I would seriously consider homeschooling until secondary.

If she knows when this party is I would take her out on that day to do something nice so she isn't dwelling on it.

I wouldn't normally like the idea of one child being left out but these 5 girls may have been one friendship group since age 3/4 and have had all their parties together over the years. I don't think children should be forced to invite someone or to stop inviting others. Having said that it's not very nice to be excitedly talking about it in front of your DD and they are old enough to know it.

Ask them for specifics. What are her social and communication difficulties and can they give you examples. Ask what they have put in place so far to support these difficulties and encourage friendships. Does she get on with any of the boys in class?

Thanks for all your replies. I have spoken to her class teacher again today and she couldn't tell me what the communication problems were. She said the head is talking about putting a social group together to help dd make more connections. It was a bit vague though and her teacher seemed a bit laid back about it.

They have assessments all week now which isn't ideal as dd very unsettled. The children have only been back off half term a day. Teacher also felt it might the assessments affecting dd, teacher said all the other teachers knew it was assessment week but she had no idea (this is dd's teacher). This did not fill me with confidence!!

The bullying in the other school was two girls (previously friends of dd) who kept upsetting dd talking about her dog dying - he hadn't died but the thought distressed her (gory details), excluding her because she had no dad (I'm widowed) and generally not allowing dd to join in. It was another small school with about 6 girls in the class.

The other school was terrible at dealing with the bullying. The head persistently swept it under the floor and gave me no choice but to leave.

I had hoped for better at this school. Massive focus on mental health in the current school and it all sounded good to start with. They have very little resources though despite being in a MAT now. Lots of teachers leaving and not much support so I think the school is struggling to deliver what they promise due to this.

@Lefteyetwitch

I am not sure you could call this bullying in the current school. There's one or two dominant girls who dd has spoken to and they just blank her and walk away. Mostly it's just the girls not including or ignoring her.

That is bullying bless her. Honestly I would take her out and home educate for a while, she can’t learn in that environment and it’s damaging her mental health.

Cmon now. You’ve no idea of rhe ops financial situation or if she needs to work. Not everyone can just stay home or has the ability to home educate and not every kid wants that.

op, I’d set a meeting up with thr teacher and head, I’d try to understand more what they mean by social and communication issues, this isn’t victim blaming but repeatedly changing school and having the same thing happen each time would indicate to me the answer isn’t changing school but understanding better why your child is struggling to integrate at school. As it seems it’s not just the girls if she’s sitting alone, it’s also the boys.

she needs support to help her now both integrate and manage the situation.

There we’re very few girls in my primary school class: something like 7 girls and 23 boys by some weird fluke. It does cause friendship issues.

Agree with @creasedclothes.

Also, OP, I’m not sure why your DD not being invited to a party comes as a particular surprise — the other girls don’t like or play with her on a daily basis, so surely it would have been more surprising if she’d actually been invited? It seems the wrong thing to worry about here.

Where do her friends from tennis club go to school? Could she change to a school where she already has friends? Alternatively could she visit a few different schools for a day visit and see if there's somewhere she feels like she fits in. It's vital that her next place works out IMO.

Are school suggesting in a roundabout way that she might be autistic? They seem to have picked up on something but often don't like to say too much as they aren't qualified. I would ask if they think it's a possibility.

Pointless to move her to another small school with only a few girls in the class again, presumably she'd on the waiting list for the bigger school?

I'd explain that sometimes it's too few girls to be able to make friends and either get her to accept that, or home school for year 6.