Dd only one not invited

[Jennybeans401]

Dd has been in the current school since around end of September last year and in Y5. There are only a few girls in the class (about 6 including dd).

The other girls have excluded her at break and playtimes, there is a clique and dd has really tried but just doesn't fit in. She's alone at break and lunch and she hates it. I've spoken to the teacher and head in the past and they've said they'll do something to help her but there's been no support.

Today shes come home heartbroken because the girl she sits next to mentioned how excited she was about X's birthday party (girls in glass).
There are so few girls though,isn't it just so spiteful to leave one girl out?

I can't understand how the parents of the other girl allow one girl to be excluded from the party invites! They are setting such a bad example! Do you speak to the other parents much? Do they seem friendly?

"There's one or two dominant girls who dd has spoken to and they just blank her and walk away. Mostly it's just the girls not including or ignoring her."

In my book this bullying.

As a bare minimum I expect my kids to behave to others as they'd like themselves or their siblings to be treated.

They don't have to be best friends but they don't ignore others when they've been spoken to.

If it's a small contingent of one sex I would always invite everyone. Yes, even in Yr 5.

In your position Op I'd start looking at other schools AND talk again to the school. Are there after school clubs like netball/football your daughter could join.

b They seem to want to blame dd for "social and communication difficulties"

I wouldn't describe that as blaming. They're saying she might have a problem that needs addressing and they are suggesting something to address it, although it might not be enough, or specifically what is needed. My gut feeling is that her social skills have taken a knock because of the first lot of bullying. She knows that whatever she was doing with her former friends wasn't working any more, and she doesn't know how to interact instead - whereas in fact, with most normal children who aren't bullies, the old way would have been the best and now she is consciously trying something different and it isn't quite working. If she has good friends at the tennis club, that could be either because she's known them since before this all started or because they all have a shared interest, whereas when social interaction is more flexible and unstructured, "soft" social skills are more important. I would be inclined to try the social group and see if it helps.

Can't you encourage being friends with boys? They are generally more chilled and if she's into sports etc might be more enjoyable.

I'm not sure why you haven't arranged play dates for DD; you've dropped her in but not given her any tools to help her settle. In a tiny established group of 6 that's 3 best friend sets, so that's a huge challenge regardless. Definitely if you move schools again think about inviting kids to activities (DD can give them a note for the parent to call), just to give her a slight chance to get to know other girls 1-1. Meantime, encourage her not to disregard the boys, she might find a boy in the class is more on her wavelength.

The parents are out of order for not insisting she is invited. Can you kill with kindness and invite the birthday girl for tea after school? That way her mum at least will be aware of your DD and it may be a way into the friendship group.

Can I just throw a different view in here?
my daughter had a party in year 5 and I told her she was allowed to invite 10 from school as she had other friends from other activities coming.
she invited who she liked best (boys and girls), the day before the party I got approached by the teacher in the playground as “julies” mother had complained and said we were bullying her by not inviting her.

I asked the teacher if she herself believed this and she didn’t but had to ask why there was no invite!

my daughter didn’t get invited to every party, it happens.
teach her this.

One thing you could try is a bit of role playing with attention on her body language. Pretend to be the nasty girls and watch how she holds herself. Then get her to stand up straight, head up, looking confident. It can make a difference to how others see you. If you don't get any joy from the school, as others have said, home schooling might build her up a bit. I think there are organisations where home schooled children get together on projects and to make friendship groups. If not perhaps you could start one in your area!

I feel so sorry for your daughter. I'm just wondering though if you feel you will explore the teachers concerns of social difficulties?

You said your daughter was excluded at the old school as well (not excusing the bit about your dog and your late husband which is dreadful) but I'm just wondering if there may be something in that.

I have a son in year five who moved schools a couple of years ago after some bullying. When he started the new school he didn't seem to want to engage with other kids, would refuse to play with them and spent break and lunch times alone. He is honestly the most sociable boy so we were surprised at this. I think he had been so unhappy at his previous school he was just really wary of mixing with the kids.

Luckily this didn't last too long and he is now very settled with a good group of friends. Hopefully things will settle down for your daughter but I would recommend play dates. Is there a school what's app group? If not then could you pass out invitations?

I only mentioned home education as the op said they were considering it.

Thanks everyone, sorry its been busy and I've not been on here much.

We are considering home ed due yo the unresolved problems. School think she could be autistic but she copes well in many situations so not much help is really available. If we went down a diagnostic pathway it's three years on the waiting list at the moment.

The Head was enthusiastic on Thursday when I collected dd as she said dd had a BFF and it seemed like everything was okay. Dd was quite happy but a bit unsure and when we hot home she said this girl had only chosen her as a BFF as the girl had fallen out with her best friend. The next day everything went back to normal and dd said this girl just plays with the best friend again.

A TA is checking in with dd at the end of each day but dd said she just tells her everything is okay because she (in her words) hates talking to other people about how she feels because they don't understand.

I really feel for your poor daughter. My child was in a similar position last year - attempts to get them to fit in felt hopeless and I wasn't getting anywhere with the school. Sadly the dynamics were set - combined with an overwhelmed teaching staff, it was very difficult to make any long term changes. Ultimately we moved schools and my child became a different person. It was a risk but the best decision we could have made for them.

Can you move classes? That might be an option.

@SlumMumBum thanks, I'm glad to hear things improved for your dd. Moving classes would be a good option but sadly not possible. She's in a tiny village school (we are in a rural area) with only a few other girls in her class. There are two year groups in one class - about five girls and a lot more boys.

She's tried playing with the little ones in the past but they seem to play in their age groups.

She likes the boys but they mostly play football and that's in a separate bit of the playground. Dd doesn't like it because they get quite rough while playing it.

In the kindest possible way, I think you are being a little bit unrealistic to expect any child to slip happily into a group of friends who have potentially known each other and been to school together for 6 years (7 if Nursery, and potentially toddler groups before that). At that age, the dc will tend to ask their friends. It isn't like in Reception where more parents are likely to guide them.
Then add in the fact that the school have talked to you both about her perceived social and communication difficulties, and then, to make it clearer, their perception that she might have autism.
Have you had meetings with them about this? Have you talked about strategies ? Have you set the referral for assessment in place ?
Have you been proactive in helping her to make friends when you started ? Invited anyone back for tea ? Over to do something together at the weekend ?
You say she has friends from elsewhere, do they come round?

when I had a dc upset as two people she thought she was close to moved away into more of a pair, without her, I didn't dwell on blaming the other dc for that, but pointed out all the other friends she did have (from other activities, like your dd) and arranged something with them.

How can the school assess her social and communication skills specific to these kids... if the people she is trying to socialise with and communicate with are excluding her, blanking her, shunning her...

I would struggle and I generally do not have social or communication skill issues at all, plenty of adults would (you read about such issues on here every day!).

If she were having issues with social and communication skills with others in class, with teachers etc, they'd have examples of this to talk to you about, I think its pretty safe to say, they don't, because it isn't an issue!

As @Alargeoneplease89 says, has she really ruled out all the boys in her class? DS is in Year 6 and has several female friends. There’s no reason why children would need to have friends who are the same sex.

Honestly I doubt anybody would exclude her out of spite. Nobody should force their child to invite anybody who they aren't friends with or don't feel comfortable around for any reason. It's the birthday girl/boys special event and they are only thinking about what will make their special day the best. Not everybody meets their friends in primary school, especially with such a miniscule amount of other girls.

You need to teach her that in life, friendships are special, and they don't always come along at a very young age, fir some people it happens in high school, or at a new hobby or club, or at uni or their first job. Friendships are best when there is a genuine connection between 2 people, it's worth waiting for instead of surface level stuff that doesn't last. You should teach her that nit having friends yet is no reflection on her as a person, she just hasn't had that opportunity to meet "her people" just yet. Give examples of things like when mummy met her best friends or when daddy or aunty did. Explain to her that its unlikely that most people would find a friend out if only 6 girls. Teach her self confidence & self worth.

Other ways to explore relationships & potential friendships such as a new hobby/brownies/group music lessons or whatever sge would like to try, do those on evenings/weekends/holidays. Much more opportunity to meet other kids and im sure that 1 day she will find her people.

Anyway I feel the people who have tons of surface level "friends" are usually fake/too faced and/or people pleasers and aren't in it for the right reasons. Best to wait for the right kind of friendship!