To be heartbroken by husband

[Dinkydaisy1]

Long post here. Apologies but tried to keep everything relevant. Just feel very disheartened by marriage and at the end of a road.

Been married circa 20 years, two wonderful teens. Overall an okay marriage - nothing bad, we never fight, just different personalities, so more roomies with good benefits. Till....

Husband pros:
He's overall a great guy, good heart, kind, gentle. Has never raised a voice, stopped me from doing anything, interfered, drank, slept around, even come home late. What I want, I get, eg if I say I want to go on holiday, he will painstakingly look up itenaries, book tickets, take us out. Spends a lot of time with kids, divides housework in half, takes care of all expenses without expecting me to contribute a dime. Doesn't care about my spending (on his card) , very supportive of my job like coming home early or adjusting work schedule to suit me. Protects me in front of his family if anything ever crops up.

Cons
So main one has been that he's emotionally unavailable. He doesn't talk, at all. We can drive for hours, or weeks can go by, before he makes conversation. He will speak if I ask him or start talking, and listen when I chatter, but he will never come home from work and talk about his day, or share his plans over breakfast, or ask how my day was, or just talk, in normal people speak. When I raise it sometimes he makes an effort, but otherwise no.
He also had a bit of a difficult childhood (nothing major, just midly neglectful and immature parents) and as a teen he took care of them and his siblings etc to keep peace (he is a very gentle person, peacemaker type). But he admitted that it took an emotional toll on him, and at some point after his parents and siblings gave him a hard time, he decided he would close his heart and "never love again". So he never says I love you, you look nice, have semblance of "affection" or love, companionship.

So all of that continued and because there was so much good I kept going, and had my own busy life with job, friends, loved ones. But it did bother me, learned to live with it but it wasn't easy.

Now comes the HARD part.

We both have good salaries (joined income circa £300k, this is relevant) neither of us are big spenders but I've always said one thing I want is a nicer house, at the moment it's tiny so my family can never come and stay, kids have box rooms, hard to entertain etc. He's made some big investments over the years, including some I begged him not to as they sounded stupid and risky and I said do what you want as long as we fix the house which is breaking down and un-liveable as that's a priority for me. Well guess what, he invested, and we lost everything so essentially now have a massive mortgage and no moneh after working really hard for decades and living fairly simple lives. This was gutting. One was a particularly stupid one where the guy essentially ran away with cash, and I was absolutely fuming because I had specifically told him not to do this one.

Anyway he was contrite and admitted his mistake, and I kept saying, this is really big for me, we really need to work better together after this, etc etc.

Last week he told me he had a job offer he was considering. In another country, so essentially he would move and come back every 2 months or so. Turns out a friend had told him of a good job opp in a tax free country, he explored it, discussed with friends, went for interview, did research, and one he got offer, went back to negotiate, and THEN told me. I was FURIOUS. I just couldn't believe how 6 months of a decision making process went by and he couldn't be arsed to share any of that with me. He insisted that he thought he'd share once he got the offer, otherwise there was nothing to discuss. I was aghast, I mean isn't marriage/life meant to be about sharing, talking, discussing - I felt incredibly disrespected that my voice only came in a few days before a major decision was to be made and I didn't factor in any of the thought or decision making. We both wfh so just felt betrayed that there was lying going on for 6 months, not once did he say he was meeting recruiter /interviewing etc. This huge decision means we would see him twice a quarter or so, my kids would be gutted, I'd need to fly out every half term as part of visa arrangements, it would just result in a major upset for everyone.

He then said that he needed to do this to pay for the house, so I said essentially I'm sacrificing a husband for a house. I'm also basically paying for all his financial mistakes.

Most of all I'm just fuming at the omission of any sort of discussion and am just really, really hurt. We've been through a bit of up and down, but for me this feels like the straw that broke the camels back.

I've just told him to do whatever he needs to do, accept etc, I just don't care or am invested in this marriage anymore.

I don't know what to do. Not sure what I want but just feeling incredibly hurt. Is this what 20 years of marriage looks like - you are still a nothing in somebody's life.

Am I being unreasonable or overreacting or is his behaviour ridiculous?

Thank you for reading if you got this far!

You don’t trust him, so it’s basically over, even if you stay married . If I were you I’d consider divorce to save your own money.

Oh dear.

He has been secretive and done what he wants in all sorts of areas before it got to this one - which is a massive betrayal.

You sound like you earn quite a lot independently of him. How long will it take for you to build up your own savings? Hopefully you can get the house you want and find someone who can show you more respect and attention in the near future.

Have you tried marriage counselling?

I would be very hurt by him not mentioning the job stuff and then presenting it as a fait accompli. This is one issue but the other stuff about him not conversing would also be an issue for me.

I think for him to basically a. Make this decision without you b. Be happy to see his kids for a few days every few month would be a deal breaker.

You're earning 300k between you in a small 3 bed house, there's noway even with the loss of savings are you struggling to afford life so this isn't about NEED to, it's a want.

Although you mention a “joint” income - what is the split ?
With that sort of income unless you live in expensive London Boroughs, how come you have such a small house?
Can you afford to live on your own with the children ?
Dont bank of maintenance if he does a runner abroad

Finance split - probably 75/25 to him. We bought house about 15 years ago with relatively less income, it's a tiny dingy house on a nice road so idea was always to do up, but this never happened because of ongoing stupid business ideas where the money went.

@SleepingStandingUp , yes it's his want, not mine, we are doing fine and can live comfortably without our savings, I've even said just sell house and buy one with same cost, or even an apartment but in better shape. It's just his stubbornness over stupid decisions. And it's not about the house no house, it's more about losing so much and the complete absence of shared decision making.

@Densol57 yes probably can, will probably still be slightly dependant on him. I don't think he will do a runner, house is half in my name, and he knows his family is not trustworthy so even in will it's all in my name with executors being my sisters so we wanted to keep kids safe. So I'm not worried about his doing somehting dirty on us, just the sheer lack of financial sense or maturity. And he's a financier in the city! Ugh!

Leave him.

You do sound very meh about life tho op and I think this is the consequence.

You've completely minimalised the effect of a neglectful childhood and having to grow up early has had.
He's never been affectionate, told you he loved you, paid you compliments etc but you married his cos he seemed like a nice guy.
Despite earning I assume 100k+ you pay nothing towards the bills and handed over responsibility for all your savings to him.
You think the house is too small and not suitable but have remained there even tho it's not suitable for the kids.

He's used to doing it all and you agreeing. He's wrong but I can see why he thought you'd just say yes.

Presumably after he lost money you kept your own savings separately? You're bringing home 5k a month + and spending just on fun stuff. Surely you've got enough in the bank and coming in to get a mortgage on a decent home and to put an ultimatum in?

I don't know how you made it through the last 20 years with a partner who doesn't treat you as a friend or confidante! But, taking you ruthlessly at your word, you did it because:

• The marriage provided a good family lifestyle;
• He performs the duties of a good husband almost perfectly.

Now, though, the absence of trusting communication has shown consequences. These consequences will damage the good lifestyle and completely wipe out the husbandly duties.

Therefore I think this is over for you.

You absolutely don't 'owe' him further tolerance or consideration; he voided his entitlement when he wasted all the family money after ignoring your opinions, and put the seal on it by unilaterally planning to live hundreds/thousands of miles away from you all.

Just be glad your kids grew up in a pleasant (if emotionally distant) environment, you've still got your job and your house. Gather your assets and set this weirdo free to make his next mistakes without you.

I get your point but you seem to have been very passive about managing money. Why did he have access to all the savings to gamble in this way?

I could cope with the inability to make conversation but th new job would be a total deal breaker for me, he's running away and leaving you to sort out the shit.

And he's a financier in the city!

I was in rehab with a lot of similar men. I'm not interested in 'diagnosing' him with anything - actions are what matter here - but I wonder if he's made impulsive cock-ups at work, too? Thousands of miles away might be the safest place to put him ...

Leave. He's lying by omission. I bet you don't even know him at all.

@SleepingStandingUp i suppose that's fair, but more context -
Married young, at 20, I'm Asian and my family knew his fam so sorta arranged. I found all this information out in trickles from different sources like his sisters and friends over the last decade. I did instantly clock on that the family was weird, and I actually started studying psychology when pregnant with firstborn out of desire to make sure kids were emotionally healthy, and this led to my current job of being an nhs mental health director. So very aware of his childhood and have made an effort to get him to get help.

My savings are separate, so yes I could use as down payment. But as I said it's not just house issue, it's the trust.

Im Asian, and without wanting to be minimising or discriminating, divorce is still a big thing, and often the very last resort. I suppose there was a part of me that kept trying, I'm definitely not passive, I kept trying, but yes could have made ultimatums rather than simply try. He's a very good father so wanting to keep that home for the kids was a factor too (for both of us, giving the kids a happy home was important, they have never seen us argue, there is no toxicity in the home)

So yes there is some responsibility on my side for not being more assertive and standing my ground rather than letting things slide that we got to this point.

It sounds like he felt bad after losing the money and being foolish so he wanted to find a way to make up for it and get the money back by getting this job where he will also be “punished” by having to be away from the people he hurt, you and his children. He didn’t want to tell you about the job until he knew he could get it and it would work out etc. Which matches his keeping things close to his vest personality. He’s been traumatized by his childhood and young adulthood and he learned to cope by being very emotionally cautious. I wouldn’t throw him in the bin just yet.

The list of pros you gave us? That’s how he says he loves you. That’s his way of making conversation. That’s his opening up to you and letting you in and protecting you.

I would add that from now on, you manage the finances. My dh makes money but has no clue what to do with it. So I do all the finances. It’s worked great for 26 + years.

@MysteryBelle thank you, you summed it up perfectly. That's what he says - he says he's not verbal, but his way of showing love is in his actions and care for me and the family. He is genuinely a very kind, nice person, which is why I've stayed for so long. 20 years is a long time to see inner truth of someone. And you're right, I know a part of this was to make up for stupidity, and I think his childhood and being the one to always fix things and not being given the emotional intelligence by his parents has led to this lack of affection, despite trying. I know and have told him all this and it's kept me here for so long, because he does try. But I think right now for me I just feel that all his mistakes and his issues and his parenting and everything else, I'm facing the repercussions and I am struggling with the weight and the hurt in that.

I would repay his favour of not having even a single discussion about your future by seeing a solicitor and filing for divorce.

This marriage is over.

Him having a challenging childhood is responsible for him blowing all of your money, against your objections, and deceiving you about his new job for months? Come on now.

You're making too many excuses for him. He says he shows love through actions, but far, far too many of his actions are just blatant disrespect.

He's taken unilateral decisions that have had big ramifications for you as a family financially, and now wants to absent himself for months at a time.

What do you want?

You might be happy to continue to hitch your wagon to this man and hope that his decision making comes online sometime soon, but overall it sounds like a fairly miserable life for you OP, unless he has some kind of epiphany fairly quickly.

You've done the dutiful wife and kept the marriage going for a long time. Time to live your life now.

When you say he 'invested' it. He's gambled it, hasn't he?

@Everybodywants no, things like businesses that didn't take off and lost money, private equity firms that didn't make money, just too high risk investments. The guy who ran away with dosh was sheer stupidity - the "next big thing" business idea.

Why not let him go to this job and see how you feel?
You might prefer having more time to yourself and a chance to sort the house out! He doesn't sound like a bad husband, just easily influenced by his friends and maybe a bit insecure - maybe didn't want to tell you about the job as embarrassed if he didn't get it?
From what you have said there is more good than bad.

OP, if it helps, I'm also Asian (Punjabi) and I had to deal with divorce, first in my family on both sides so it was not good!

It sounds like this man was lovely and kind but never really 'your' person. The kind that you'd be great lifelong friends but maybe not lovers or partners.

I dont think I could forgive 6 months of lies after already months/years of horrid mistakes that have impacted the entire family.

I understand he has had a very traumatising childhood, but you have your own children together and a family and in fact a huge financial issue that he is going to 'martyr' himself for effectively and be away from the people who actually need him physically there to deal with the emotional impact of his actions.

The bottom line is, what do you want to teach your kids from this situation? And what do you envisage for a life that is so unpredictable?

I left my exh for much much different reasons. He is a brilliant father to our daughter who is only 5. My siblings were indifferent to my divorce and actually took a step back and didn't involve themselves at all. My parents were horribly unsupportive. However I have a new partner now and couldn't be happier.

I woke up one morning and realised, if my daughter was in this situation, what would I say to her? And that day, I told my exh it was over.

Your dh has clearly made his mind up, he won't be there for you or your family in the way you actually need him to be. And without sounding harsh, it sounds as though he has already raised a family before. The one before you came along. My mum at the age of 15 raised her siblings when her mother died. So I've grown up knowing that emotionally she will always be their mother before she will ever be mine

I understand @Dinkydaisy1 ❤️ you can only do so much. He has to be willing to meet you halfway, you’ve tried and tried to help him see the possibilities, the freedom he could have, the relationship he could have with you. If he would just listen, he wouldn’t have gotten himself and you into this mess. I get it.

It may be it has been drummed into his head to “take care of his family of parents and siblings in order to keep the peace” as you say, that he has that innate pressure to take care of his family now of wife and children and so grasps so hard for financial security via money making ventures that he falls for scams, cuts corners, and takes foolish risks. He doesn’t take your counsel because deep down there is that impetus to take care of his family no matter what. Because that is how he survived. His grasping for security ends up with less security, losing the money that he invested, sabotaging the very reason he took the risk in the first place. No more investing for him. He acts out of emotion, ironically, and not logic, so he has to stay away from investing. There are plenty of other ways to generate modest but (almost) risk free returns and passive income with various savings accounts and properties etc.

However, you are at the end of your tether and you are justified in steeping away from him for your own sake. And maybe you should. I hope he is able to somehow realize what is possible.