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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that you should help out at family gatherings?

72 replies

PassTheBabyPlease · 05/06/2023 13:59

Prompted by the fact that I'm arranging a family meetup in a restaurant and had a discussion with a friend who recently attended one too with her kids and had a rough time.

AIBU to think that it's only fair for adults without kids or with older independent kids to help the parents out a little by taking the babies for a bit or helping younger kids to cut up their meal, sort their drink etc so that the parents get a chance to eat their food while it's at least lukewarm.

What's the norm in your family?

OP posts:

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/06/2023 14:01

It’s lovely if they do, but no one has to.

Original poster

PassTheBabyPlease · 05/06/2023 14:04

I don't think they have to as such but I do think it's basic decency to take the baby for a bit or at least get the parent a drink or whatever is necessary so that everyone gets to eat.

OP posts:

GrumpyPanda · 05/06/2023 14:04

Parents tend to be too prickly for that...

GrumpyPanda · 05/06/2023 14:05

...so at least in our case, you've got the wrong end of the stick.

coxesorangepippin · 05/06/2023 14:05

No, people are too keen on getting their knees under the table and stuffing their faces whilst the food is hot

Shinytaps · 05/06/2023 14:06

In my experience, other relatives are usually very happy to do this and want to. I don't think it's abnormal to think this at all! But you'll probably get a few prickly responses that there's no obligation!

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/06/2023 14:07

It's normal in my family.

PalmLady · 05/06/2023 14:07

YANBU our family wouldn't all sit and eat while others could use their help.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 05/06/2023 14:08

I'm always happy to help out and hold a baby or engage with toddler whilst the parents get to eat a WHOLE meal without interruption. So I wouldn't have an issue with helping out.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/06/2023 14:08

Not sure, I always operated on the assumption there would be no help. Ordering food you can eat with one hand in the very early days, for example. Ordering the kids food to come up first so you can get them sorted before yours comes.

I don’t think ‘fair’ comes into it; people are mostly helpful though, but I wouldn’t plan on it, then you can’t be disappointed.

I wouldn’t expect someone to make sure I had a drink just because I had small children, surely you just order it with everyone else?

Original poster

PassTheBabyPlease · 05/06/2023 14:10

It was a restaurant where you had to go order drinks at the bar.

OP posts:

JonahAndTheSnail · 05/06/2023 14:11

I'd be happy to help if asked, but wouldn't feel comfortable offering unless I 'm very close to the parent and know they wouldn't be offended. In my extended family and friends, normally the parents seem to take it in turns to feed the baby whilst the other eats.

2Rebecca · 05/06/2023 14:14

I never had a non parent cut up my children's meals and I'm not sure what " sort a child's drink" actually means. I do see those jobs as the parents' roles. Fair enough holding a baby for a while if only one parent is there and they can't take it in turns or have lots of children to supervise but I would expect this to be discussed before the meal is ordered so the person holding the baby's meal doesn't get cold. Expecting someone else to have cold food so a parent can eat theirs warm sounds odd.
Discussing what help you'd like in advance usually works otherwise the people without young children just don't think of feeding young children as anything to do with them. If a parent is in to baby led weaning you may upset the parents by cutting food up

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/06/2023 14:15

PassTheBabyPlease · 05/06/2023 14:10

It was a restaurant where you had to go order drinks at the bar.

Still can’t see why you couldn’t do this with a small child? That’s the same as most high street cafes etc.

Chowtime · 05/06/2023 14:17

I had triplets. Whenever we went out to eat as a family - when the food came they all merrily tucked into their food whilst I cut up food for 3 kids then ate my own cold food. Not one time, ever, did anyone offer to cut up one of their meals, including my now ex husband.

Simianwalk · 05/06/2023 14:19

I do this for friends and families. Surely it's what most decent people do? When mine where little others helped me. My friend is a single parent to a 10 month old. When we go out we take turns holding the baby/taking him for a walk so she can have lunch in peace.

Simianwalk · 05/06/2023 14:19

Chowtime · 05/06/2023 14:17

That's so awful. Poor you.

Original poster

PassTheBabyPlease · 05/06/2023 14:21

Sympathies. That's utterly shit of them. Especially your ex.

OP posts:

Crfafft · 05/06/2023 14:24

When I eat out with friends who have a 2 year old, we order his meal to come first whilst we have or share a starter. He’s happily tucking into his cut food by the time our food arrives. He’s a good eater though plus never tries to get out of his chair and run around. He’s happily occupied with his food and a small toy in reach

Azealeasinbloom · 05/06/2023 14:24

Well I would help out, and so would my family; DH’s family would be a mixed bag I think, although it would probably depend on their relationship with the child.
Sorry that people were thoughtless OP, that’s the opposite of my idea of a family gathering.

Crfafft · 05/06/2023 14:26

But it wouldn’t occur to me, if all meals arrived at the same time, to cut up my friend’s child’s meal while my friend started on theirs. It’s part and parcel of having small kids

Chowtime · 05/06/2023 14:27

It's fucking bizzare it really is.

I also had a friend with one child who I used to go to soft play with. when we were leaving she used to put her kids shoes on and coat on whilst I was putting one of my kids shoes and coat on and then stand there and watch me whilst I put the shoes and coats on the other two.

I honestly don't know what goes on in peoples heads. Selfish fuckers.

This was 30 years ago mind - but it still ANNOYS me thinking about it today lol 😀

CC4712 · 05/06/2023 14:27

If the relatives have a partner with them- it wouldn't occur to me to intervene or offer to assist as there are 2 of them. If it was a single parent and clearly struggling- then I'd offer to get the drinks or ask how I could help. I wouldn't know how small to cut up their childs food though- unless I was extremely close to them.

Original poster

PassTheBabyPlease · 05/06/2023 14:28

My friend(And it is my friend. I don't have kids yet) has twin babies and another just under 2. It's not so easy for her to go to the bar. By sorting a drink I mean putting a straw in their Capri Sun, sorting their fruit shoot, checking they have a straw for their water etc.

And I wouldn't expect anyone to have cold food but I mean if others have eaten while the parent sorts their own child's food then surely it's basic decency to try to help so that they get to eat too?

OP posts:

Didtheythough · 05/06/2023 14:29

Yep, pretty normal in my family between those of us that have kids. I think people without them don't tend to realise or notice you need help, not their fault, and the older generation have forgotten, but yes, my own children, nieces and nephews range from 18 to 3yrs and me, my brothers/sister and Sil, Bil all pitch in at this type of event.

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