AIBU to think that you should help out at family gatherings?

[PassTheBabyPlease]

Prompted by the fact that I'm arranging a family meetup in a restaurant and had a discussion with a friend who recently attended one too with her kids and had a rough time.

AIBU to think that it's only fair for adults without kids or with older independent kids to help the parents out a little by taking the babies for a bit or helping younger kids to cut up their meal, sort their drink etc so that the parents get a chance to eat their food while it's at least lukewarm.

What's the norm in your family?

Chowtime I don't know her siblings that well to compare but she's definitely a doer which as you say might be part of the problem.

Thanks to all who replied. It seems that helping out is not as common as I expected. Personally I can't imagine leaving someone to juggle and feed 3 fussy babies(Well 2 and a young toddler) and eat their dinner when I've finished my food and she hasn't started.

Valid points about some parents not wanting to pass their baby around. I appreciate the perspectives.

If I offered to help your single friend in your example- It might seem that I'm implying she can't cope/wasn't doing a good job.

If I didn't automatically help- them I'm somehow rude! I can't win- because every family and situation is different.

Its not the childless persons responsibility to to automatically care for others children. I TTC 13yrs and lost 3- there were times it was difficult to even attend events with lots of babies/kids around- let alone having one thrust on my lap to feed!

I would definitely help cut up food if the parents were busy with a baby or another child. I also offer to take babies once I've eaten if the parents are still eating.

I don't spend ages entertaining them though as mine are only recently out of the stage of needing loads of attention when out and I enjoy now being able to talk to adults if they're behaving! Used to with my nieces and nephews before I had my one though as wasn't so exhausted!!

Normal in my family, recently went to a family function and aunts, uncles and nana and cousins all helped me with mine (single parent). I don't expect it but it's nice to have a break from rocking a grizzly baby or entertaining the toddlers the whole function. I always find they are keen to help, especially with baby, wanting a cuddle etc. I always offer to hold friends and families babies if I can see they're struggling and entertain older kids to give mum a break because I know how difficult it is myself. I've noticed a lot of the time the dad is useless when at functions and that was my experience with ex too, leaving the mum to wrangle the kids while they're off chatting to mates.

I didn't just say childless(That'd include me though and I'm happy to help out) I'd think it only fair for those with older independent children or grown children or anyone who has eaten and whose hands are free to help out.

Good point about every family and situation being different though.

I wouldn’t help with stuff like that; it’s the parents job. Also I don’t like small children

I have a biiiig family and when we all get together the babies and toddlers get passed around like pass the parcels, everyone just chips in a bit to help so everyone gets a chance to relax and eat and socialise a bit. Last time I ended up with a toddler on my hip and realised after about 20 mins I had no idea whose child it was, what she was called or how I'd ended up with her. She got passed off to one of my aunties eventually and hopefully found her way back to whichever one of my cousins she belonged to.

It's always glorious carnage. I can't imagine being part of a family where people don't all just come together in one big, ridiculous mess of chaos and cooperation, but I appreciate that it might be some people's idea of hell.

I don't help to be honest because I've done my years of looking after my own small children and I've earned my right to eat my dinner in peace. I don't really even want to sit near the small children.

I wouldnt expect anyone to put my needs before their own and nor would I want them to! My child, my problem 😁

However, most family gatherings I've been to, older kids adore the babies and toddlers and can't do enough to help. Same with aunties/uncles and GPs.

I'm childfree for a reason. I have no interest whatsoever in small children so why would I want to waste my night out looking after the children you have chosen to have? I'm a brilliant auntie to my older nieces and nephews (even if I do say so myself!). But no, no interest and no sense of responsibility when they where under 8 or so. Your choice, you deal with it.

*were!

I'll help if asked or if the parents are very visibly struggling the same way I would anywhere else if someone asked for my help or someone was struggling with something. But otherwise, no- I don't want to eat a cold meal either.

Same in my experience too.

Maybe grandparents would help out but I'd never sort out another child and most parents I know don't want help.

With my family, we're on our own with the kids. If anyone is engaging with a child when food appears, the child is promptly returned.

DH's family are the total opposite. Will take the kids so we can eat in peace for a change.

I find it very odd that some families are totally unwilling to put themselves out even a little bit to make each others lives easier.

If I were a single parent, with 3 dc under two, then I probably would have had this conversation before agreeing to go out to a pub / restaurant. You know it is going to be a major challenge, and I would prefer to stay at home. If others wanted me there, then they would have to say "we'll look after the dc" and commit to that beforehand. I would assume my dc are my responsibility and not go with an expectation that others who didn't have to, would be potentially letting their food go cold to let me eat mine hot, when the dc were mine.

I don't have kids and I'd assume someone would ask me for help if they needed it (which I would happily give!). It wouldn't occur to me to just dive in and start helping as I'd kind of assume that given the parents parent every day that they have a system in place for managing this kind of stuff!

This!

It’s completely normal in my family for both men and women to help with children in order to give the parents a break. I don’t understand the angst about not wanting to cause offence etc… just ask if they’d like you to hold the baby, cut up food, pass a drink or whatever needs doing.

I always help out with babies because I remember the endless meals having to manage DD whilst my dinner goes cold. Not that anyone helped me but that’s exactly why I help others. It’s so stressful, and when mine were tiny I’d get my family starting going “Aw it’s so hard isn’t it”. Yes it fucking is Sharon so please take her while I finished these 5 forkfuls.

I don’t know when we turned into a mean society whereby “that’s your problem you deal with it” but personally I think it’s a nicer world to live in when everyone helps each other out a bit.

It's always glorious carnage. I can't imagine being part of a family where people don't all just come together in one big, ridiculous mess of chaos and cooperation, but I appreciate that it might be some people's idea of hell

My idea of utter hell! But we’re each used to different things aren’t we 🙂

In DHs family no one helped me, even though I did a lot for step kids etc, so now I’m pleasant but don’t put my self out. Dads famous BBQs have stopped, because the actual person who did it all (me) got taken for granted. And now one else seems to want to take on the hosting.
My family I probably would because they have been more supportive. I’m a bit jaded now with having been massively helpful in the past and been taken for granted, I’ve dialled it right back now.

I don't think you should expect, but it's nice if people offer.

For a child I knew well and knew the parents were happy for me to do this, then I'd say to the child "would you like me to cut up your food?" or similar. There's a chance the child will say "no, I want mummy", but I'd offer.

If I'd finished my food, I'd probably offer to hold a baby.

If they asked I'd probably do anything reasonable, including changing nappies.

I wouldn't offer to hold a baby rather than me eating my food.
I wouldn't offer to deal with their food if I didn't know the parents well because different parents have different ideas and you don't know what's their expectations.
I also wouldn't offer if I'd had previous interactions with the children taken badly, and also would be much less likely if I'd found that having started helping, then it was taken as I would do the rest until the end.