AIBU to think that you should help out at family gatherings?

[PassTheBabyPlease]

Prompted by the fact that I'm arranging a family meetup in a restaurant and had a discussion with a friend who recently attended one too with her kids and had a rough time.

AIBU to think that it's only fair for adults without kids or with older independent kids to help the parents out a little by taking the babies for a bit or helping younger kids to cut up their meal, sort their drink etc so that the parents get a chance to eat their food while it's at least lukewarm.

What's the norm in your family?

So to be clear you think other family members at the gathering should take over looking after your children so you can have a hot meal... and they can have a cold one?!

She's a single parent. Partner fucked off when the twins were born so no partner to help.

In this situation are the people with kids single parents, or a couple with more than 2 kids?

The pp with triplets I'd definitely help. But it probably wouldn't occur to me to get involved if it was 2 parents with 1-2 kids.

Mind you, I don't have kids and have barely spent any time with children, so I'm not sure it would occur to me to cut up a child's food! If asked I would though.

OP I'm with you on this I really am. Your friends circumstances are very similar to mine. It sticks in your craw and you remember it. It's not nice. You sound like a lovely friend and I promise you she will remember you as such.

It would be nice to do so but not everyone does. I have a 5 month old who’s like Velcro atm (teething badly). When we go anywhere with my family, they help. My DH’s family don’t and would probably feel uncomfortable if I asked, so I never would. It’s just different ways of doing things. DH also wouldn’t help me. I think they all just see the baby as my “job”. Children get easier and more independent so one day those of us with little ones will be able to relax again! Just have to be patient.

@StepAwayFromGoogling I dont think that is what shes saying (unless Ive totally misunderstood). It takes an adult 2mins to cut up a childs food so Id happily do this for my nephew, whilst someone else helped my niece with her meal so that my sister (their mother) could feed the baby and herself rather than trying to do everything for everyone.

V normal in my family/friend circles but on MN you get a lot of posts from people not wanting to hand their babies round "like parcel"

It would be normal in my family to help out.

I have 2 young kids but it wouldn't occur to me to think anyone else would help, you just get on with it.

If I noticed one of the kids needed something while mum was busy I'd offer to help and I would gladly give a hand if asked and I hadn't noticed. But I wouldn't have been going out of my way to check on them as they aren't my kids.

I doubt anyone is being malicious here, more of case of it wouldn't occur to them to be checking on someone else's children.

There's not enough babies in my family for this to be an issue but fwiw we normally leave the parents to it - in our case there's two of them to one child! If it was four kids to one parent it would make sense to step in and give a hand with straws or something, not sure I'd be any good at the feeding them part 😂

This.

I mean of course it's nice to help, but I think it would be unusual generally for people to have their dinner arrive and then to say "oh no, I won't eat this, I will instead first cut up the food for all the toddlers and then offer to hold all the babies".

None of my family would offer this. We had a big family meal on Saturday and my two toddlers either sat on or next to me and my DH. One of my two sat on my brother for a few minutes and my dad for equal amount of time but no-one offered to hold them or get drinks etc. it actually didn't even occur to me to expect it.

I'm a single parent of 2 kids aged 5 and 8. I would always help a friend or family member cut their child's food up, sort a drink etc. But no, I would not walk someone else's baby/toddler around a restaurant, especially if both of their parents are there, whilst my own food gets cold! I'm past that stage, i've done all that with my own kids.

If you mean a single parent with more than one small child, then yes. For example a new baby and a toddler of 16 months.

If you mean a parent with one small child then no, I expect others would help out after they had their own meal.

If you mean a two parent family , were the mum is left struggling with two small children while her partner props up the bar with a pint, pontificating about football - then no. I’d expect him to care for his own kids, not other family members. By which, of course, we all mean other women.

At most family events, women and girls are apparently still supposed to do most of the arranging / catering / waitressing / childcare / clearing so that men can relax.

No it wouldn't cross my mind to offer help. I have done my childcare, my grandchildren each sit next to a parent for help at meals, no one offers help, and they don't expect it.

Exactly, by family, really the expectation is on women, because we’re all meant to be so baby focused and ready to help others. It doesn’t always occur to people OP, women included. Maybe your friend needs to learn to ask if she wants help.

*If you mean a two parent family , were the mum is left struggling with two small children while her partner props up the bar with a pint, pontificating about football - then no. I’d expect him to care for his own kids, not other family members. By which, of course, we all mean other women.

At most family events, women and girls are apparently still supposed to do most of the arranging / catering / waitressing / childcare / clearing so that men can relax.*

Spot on

It really wasn't a man vs woman being unhelpful in my case. Both sexes seemed to be equally thoughtless. Like a PP said though, there wasn't anything malicious about it, just general thoughtlessness.

By which, of course, we all mean other women.

No I really don't mean women. I mean everyone who's capable and men are as capable as any woman in my family though far from perfect, it's the norm for men to help with the kids too though I'd expect that of anyone who had finished eating and was able to help out a little.

This really depends on the situation and how well you know the child. My kid sees her grandma every week but I can safely predict a meltdown if MIL (who is absolutely lovely) were to help cut up her food. I, however, feel confident enough to nicely ask another person to bring me a drink.

OP can I ask if your friend is the "doer" in the family. The one who used to get everything done and who everyone went to and now she has her own kids to focus on they can't quite get their heads round it.

I'm sure that was it with me. I'm the eldest of 5 and was the "doer". The "chowtime will sort it" person.

When mine were little it didn't occur to me to expect help as my husband was usually with me. Might have got a few minutes of a grandparent holding child etc but as a 2 parent family it was our gig and part and parcel of having young kids.

I find the expectation that people with older kids or no kids at all will help out parents of younger ones really grating. For me personally, there's a reason I don't have any more!

I remember the first time I took my then 3yo dc to a party without his baby brother. I felt like I was on holiday! Until my friend thrust her baby on me claiming that I could hold him because after all, I didn't have my own baby with me. Needless to say she was there with her dh who did fuck all.

Judging by a lot of the comments on here, a lot of parents would take it as a slight if help were offered and certainly wouldn't let anyone hold their precious baby

Yabu

I was given this job by an aunt at a family event. I was 26 and childless. Couldn't really say no and I really resented having this duty to a bunch of kids I barely knew as they were the kids of cousins I didn't see very often

Maybe I would see your point if I knew the kids better