Who else feels behind in life and sad you can't get years back?

[IComeLastInAllTheRaces]

For whatever reason, mine is illness and trauma. Sad is perhaps the wrong word, because I quite enjoy life day to day and lots of the little things, but it feels strange that those years are simply over and gone and there isn't much time. I mean, I hope I have plenty of time left but my family keep dying young and I'm scared I will too.

I beat myself up a lot that other people always seem to manage to build impressive careers despite the challenges of ill health or random awful shit, and I just couldn't manage it. I just scraped along surviving! It means I feel like I've wasted my talents, and trying to slowly figure this out now, but so late...

Can anyone relate to this?

Just me then?

Lots of us will have regretted years lost with rubbish men. I know I do. From this I sometimes think about a life I could have had.

I relate to this I think. I’ve had undiagnosed moderate hearing loss since childhood (it’s assumed) and with hindsight it’s had a massive impact on my social confidence, self-esteem and career. I’ve just had it diagnosed in my 40s and wearing hearing aids is a revelation. But it’s too late to undo a lot of the damage I think. There’s a grieving process to work through I think.

I suspect more people feel like this than don’t.. although I don’t want to minimise the challenges you’ve faced, I think it’s a normal feeling.

I very much regret wasting my younger years, and wish I could go back and change my decisions. I’ve made a spectacular mess of my life and it’s all my own fault, and I’m not sure how the hell to make it better going forwards.

I’ll figure it out I’m sure, but I do look back and think to myself why the fuck did you do that muchtootired?!

I could have written that, OP.

I did the best I could in the circumstances and kept going in the difficult times. At least, that’s what I try to tell myself. And in the grand scheme of things with 7 billion people on the planet, it probably doesn’t matter. I bet you are loved by your family and friends, which is what counts.

Youth is wasted on the young

I am going for an Autism assessment and it makes me sad to think that the reason I struggled so much wasn't because I'm not likeable but because my brain is different. All those times I cried, felt lonely, self-harmed... to have known it wasn't my fault could have changed things so much.

Yes, I can relate. I've had years stolen from me from a very young age because of illness. I feel so behind, and I still can't accept I'll never get those years back. It's hard knowing most people have lived the years I've missed and had experiences I've missed completely or haven't yet had. And they don't understand it at all. They have no idea how lucky they are.

I understand what you mean OP. My reasons are different to yours, I wasted years on alcoholism, was street homeless etc. All my own fault, whereas you sound like you've had a really tough time. I'm so sorry for the illness and trauma you have been through. But yes I do relate to that feeling of "waking up" and that that time has gone. It's not there any more. And, you haven't built the things that other people have. It's just you; and everything else seems to have slipped away! And you remember you were,and are, a person with great potential so where did that go.And how to get it back x

I wasted years on shit men.
I wasted years on no confidence.
I wasted years on not accepting myself.
I wasted years on partying.
I wasted years on being shit with money.

Now I'm much older and a parent I wish I could put my head now on my 18 year old head but then i guess I wouldn't be who I am today.

Op if it helps then try googling lists of people who only became successful later in life &/or experienced lengthy spells of suffering (musicians, actors, entrepreneurs, philanthropists etc). I find learning their stories very inspiring.

I do sometimes find that practising radical acceptance (lots of videos on You Tube)! does help me slightly. It's about accepting and finding joy in the life the life you have now, and accepting life as it is is a radical departure from everything you expected and wanted. It doesn't make the pain go away but it is just one more sometimes useful technique.

I was thinking this evening about me & my siblings. We were all blessed with above average intelligence, should have had good lives with careers etc. But we had very troubled childhoods/adolescences and it left us each of us with mental health problems that have haunted our lives.

Yes I know what you mean. I feel like this.

I feel like this OP. I truly do. I worked really hard at school, got really good grades. I was going to go to uni, got accepted by the university of westminster, but when it came to it I was very aware that my parents were worried about it being a financial burden so I got a full time job instead. I regret now not having a degree. I spent years in low paid jobs in publishing, got pregnant and when DD was about 2 I changed direction to become a freelance illustrator. I wish I had known back then how poorly paid it would be even if you are always in work. I remember one lift the flap children's book I worked on for a very famous publishing company and I was working on average of 15 hours a day, seven days a week for over three months - I hadn't realised the workload would be so horrendous at the beginning. When I divided the fee by the hours I had worked it worked out at about £4.60 an hour. That was the most extreme example. I recently worked for another massive publisher and received £750 for 6 weeks full time work - where I was often working weekends and evenings as well to make the tight deadline. Although I love the actual work I am paid so poorly for my time that I am barely surviving. I NEVER buy myself anything, I can't afford to. I deeply regret following my dream and not doing something more lucrative. My self worth is at absolute rock bottom and there have been times when I've felt so trapped and worthless because of it I have wished I was dead. I feel unemployable now in any other industry, the skills I had in my 20's are obsolete now. And to top it all off I developed an extremely painful autoimmune disease about a year ago, just as the cost of living was rocketing and I had decided to try and look for a second job - I found some days I couldn't walk, drive, wash, I was in too much pain, which led me to feel less employable than ever. I'm hoping the meds I'm on now will change that, but there is no certainty. I hate myself sometimes for screwing my life up so much, I had so much potential but I was very naive and timid. I am so weary of being exploited and I'm desperately frightened of how my future looks. I could have done so many things if I had made better decisions in my youth. If only I had been savvy. Now I don't know which way to turn or how to get out of this rut.

I’m in a black hole with this today. So much grief and envy. Solidarity.

I feel the same. Hugs.

I do - definitely! I struggled with ill health in my 20's (not cancer, but comparable), and it feels like my 30's flashed by in a blur of babies. I moved jobs a couple of times, and didn't really progress as a result, but am fully motivated now to get back on track and am sitting here finishing off my cover letter for a PhD application in another tab.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from OP.
I lost a decade of my life spanning my 20s and early 30s when I was trapped in a cult that controlled every aspect of my life. Despite it being nearly 15 years now I will never be able to make up the loss in my career, my relationships my housing situation etc.

I'm content and happy enough with my life now but I do feel like I've lost a whole load of life experiences that I can never replicate.

I do understand, years spent on secondary on infertility and IVF whilst waiting for baby. It was a limbo time. Did have amazing times too and made the most of it with our child but there was plenty of heartache as well

Totally understand OP 😢 same here 😩

OP I totally relate to this, 100%. I particularly despair when I hear of people who are successful in my line of work and admit they struggled due to the illness I also have. They manage despite it but I don't. I am a spectacular underachiever. It bugs me every single day and has for about thirty years.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4819835-mid-40s-suddenly-jealous?page=4

This thread had some similar themes the other day. I related to it!

Is it too late? Hard to know without knowing your age or the exact circumstances that lead you to where you are now.
I guess I'm trying to say that there are probably things you could still do... I know it isn't easy, and it may not be much, but maybe a job/hobby could lead you somewhere different where you wouldn't feel so wasted?
Good luck OP 💐 (& I'm sure your life hasn't been completely wasted x)

I made SUCH a massive balls up of my life: I crashed through everything and was so desperately unhappy.

For someone who supposedly had such potential and was meant to do so well...didn't happen.

A turning point was becoming pregnant with my DC (twin daughters) and it's taken 'til they are 5 for me to be well enough (in mind, body and spirit) to actually feel like there is hope for me yet.

My biggest regret is that I was not the woman I am today when I found out I was pregnant. I have caused my DC a lot of unnecessary trauma/upheaval because I couldn't fast track my own healing from multifacteed childhood trauma and abuse in time to be what they needed.

However, in the here and now, I have definitely turned a corner. Both are settled in a fab local school, we have a good network of decent friends and acquaintances, we are poor BUT for the first time in years I am well enough to seriously start looking at employment opportunities (even if part-time and or supported by a Disability Advisor etc in the first instance).

I can't erase those tumultuous, seemingly wasted years, but realistically they brought me my DC and to where we are today, so perhaps all was not mere squander and lost opportunity?