To not want a relationship?

[InTheMoonglow]

I know it's not exactly unreasonable, as who cares? But I would love to hear if anyone is similar.

I have an adult DD who now lives overseas with her partner, we lost her dad when she was 10. Since then I haven't married but been in a relationship for 15 yrs, which is now ending. It's amicable, but glad to be getting out of it.

Thing is, I have never really been motivated to hitch up in a marriage or romance, even when I look back to my early teens I never really 'got' what other girls were looking for, the whole needing or wanting a man thing. I am heterosexual and do like sex, but I am not really motivated or arsed about it all. If I envision a perfect future I am self sufficient and surrounded by friends, people I love, immediate and extended family, pets, etc.
I'm not asexual but sex and men don't fill up my head or bother me much. And for this reason I find it difficult to relate to other women who are putting up with crazy shit for the sake of love, but I realise I am an outlier.

I am now approaching 50, and would prefer not to do it again. I know this is my prerogative and that it's ok, I take care of myself for personal reasons and look pretty good but I can't give a shit what men think. I think in our heads, in our society, we are just set up to care, to imagine life with someone in a typical relationship. Am I alone though? I know one woman who is similar but does keep getting entangled against her better judgement.

Thankfully we live in a time where there is little pressure to conform, but I see so many around me still do, often out of need for companionship (which can be found elsewhere) or security. The security part is the most insidious i feel.

Would love to hear of people like me who just aren't into it all and would love a life unattached yet with meaningful relationships and personal happiness.

I'm 40 and haven't been in a relationship for 8 years. I really don't see me having one ever again. I'm not missing out on anything as I've got a vibrator 🤣

Lol, im not even that motivated when alone tbh! My head just exists in other areas, but i imagine this is not common, i dunno!

Also i have felt like this all along, and just sort of tried to be arsed so that I am 'normal'. I would love to blame it on meno but no.

I think your attitude is great OP and I think more and more women feel as you do.

Long term relationships are pretty overrated IMHO. There are obvious reasons for doing it when you are having and rearing young children but beyond that point there is very little rationale really.

Cohabiting is greatly overrated and men generally become more needy and dependent as they get older. A lot of older people’s marriages seem to become horribly codependent and after a while the couples seem to live in a state of constantly compromising themselves in order to maintain the illusion of togetherness because they are too financially linked or too emotionally crippled to do anything independently.

Women seem often to really find themselves after the kids leave home just as the men in their lives are sinking into middle aged torpor.

I think your approach sounds very sensible.

I’m exactly the same. I have been single for 13 years and and early 50’s. Still have 18 DS living at home.

I have a well paid and very fulfilling job, do a fair bit with DS and have a great set of friends (male and female). Love my holidays. Not massively interested in sex.

I couldn’t even begin to imagine living with someone or getting married again. Just reading all the stories on here about lazy men, women working full time and still having to do all the life admin/housework/cooking etc. makes me feel very happy with my decision. I seriously could not and would not put up with it. Life is too short to put up with that kind of shit and spend all your time arguing about it. I am at a stage in my life where I can afford a cleaner, so I am very lucky.

I love making all the decisions, being in charge and doing what I want, when I want.

My DS did ask me when we were on holiday last year, if I was lonely. It was mainly families and couples where we went. I quietly pointed out the couple who had spent the whole week arguing, the married bloke who kept eyeing up all the young waitresses and some couples who hardly spoke to each other. I was more than happy on my own and have some amazing friends, so no, I am not lonely.

My mother had zero interest in another relationship once my father buggered off with his latest light o’ love. That was fifty years ago and her best years definitely came later. Go for it, OP, there’s no rule saying you have to have a man in your life just because you’re heterosexual (or that not being particularly interested makes you anything else).

I understand where you are coming from OP. I've never been that fussed either.

I like the physical side and have one dc I love to bits, but I've never understood this desire to pair up at all cost.

Being single is invariably happier that being in a relationship. I've only ever met one man that I really wanted to be with, and anyway there are always so many complicating factors. Finances, jobs, houses, interfering family, manipulation, emotional baggage. It seems impossible to find someone who just wants to enjoy a relationship as an equal.

Like you I'm lucky in that I can afford my own home, have my own pension so there is no financial pressure to share. I've been single 6 years and they have been the calmest and least stressful of my adult life.

I do sometimes come across opinions that peole like me must be lonely but it's quite the opposite! Never encountered it in real life though.

I have never been hurt or abused, and do really love men (not the shitty patriarchy) but I genuinely don't care. It isn't a decision ive made, more that it's who I just am.

I was considered very lovely when young and it was the fucking bane of my life, everything was about that and i was always nonplussed. I never understood it, or why other people coveted it. Saying that, I do not think there's anything wrong with it, like I said i think i may be an outlier.

I dabbled with the idea of being a lesbian, but oh god no, I am decidedly hetero. But to pair up with a man with this mindset would be unfair to him, unless he's really strange, like me

I am an artist so not well off, I rent but am happy that way. Can't call myself successful in the eyes of the world, but have no interest in seeking security from another person.
I have some money in the bank and considering a move, a new start. See where things go from there. I am able to live anywhere I want and can afford it but do have to be careful. I would love to say i own 4 companies but not quite there yet!

It is the peace and calm that is so wonderful, isn’t it?

when I look at some of my friends in shitty relationships they won’t let go of I feel so grateful to be single. In fact it is seeing those relationships that has kept me single all these years.

I had a big bust up with one of my friends today. She is always stressed out because of her relationship. When they go through a bad patch instead of talking to him she takes it out on me then insists that her relationship is great. It is exhausting.

grateful to be back in my peaceful home.

I've had one very short lived relationship in the last 11 years. He was an old friend and well, it was more convenient (for him!) to live here during lock down.

I grew to hate it and him.

I don't ever want to live with anybody, share my bed with anybody (on a regular basis). I too am approaching 50.

I've never actually lived with anybody partnership wise. Tried with sons Dad 27 years ago - nope. Dated daughter's dad for 6 years. Never lived together.

I don't think I could do it. I like my own company, I like doing what I want when I want. Daughter is still at home, but that doesn't encroach on anything.

I've just always found relationships hard work mentally and emotionally. A casual partner sounds nice, a bit of sex and going out, but that's never going to end well.

Nope. I've never had it and I don't want to start now.

ive been single for 5 years and love it i would not change it i dont miss anything about being with someone i can do what i want when i want. My home is clean at all times No one's mess and no man child .
I dont miss the sex as ive never liked it .
It's my peace and i love it im happier on my own my own space

I forgot my huge bed is just for me .

I am very happily single, OP. No plans to get into another relationship.

I’m 44 and divorced from my dcs’ Dad - he has gone on to form a new relationship and have two more kids but that’s just not for me.

I wouldn’t mind a fling or something but between work, kids, making time for my actual friends, and trying to fit in a bit of time for hobbies and interests (nothing major - just a bit of running and trying to learn a language), I don’t seem to have much time!

I love my huge bed!

We are socialised to want it though, so I can see that. A woman is subtly urged to settle down and share a mortgage. I can see this is more complex if wanting children. A lot of very wealthy women, interestingly, dont do it, like Enya for instance, although ive no idea about them in real life.
I wonder if we were all financially stable, would we be so eager?

i fully believe in 'limerance', where we float with joy in the initial phase of love. Ive been there, and after a few weeks it's fucking exhausting. So i know my chemicals are working, but my dominant brain cant be arsed.

Relationships do add to my life but they're very costly in terms of peace of mind. I'm much more content doing my own thing. I've had children and have a few friends and a reasonably interesting life. There's more I'd like to do but it doesn't really involve another potential person. What Id really want doesn't exist - a deep closeness and intimacy, but part-time, just to dip in and out of.

I guess i cant see how having a man means i have good relationships. There's a huge world out there!

Oh I do have lots of limerence. Always from afar.

That sounds a bit stalkerish.

It's nice though!

You’re not strange, OP, you’re smart!

I remember a drama on tv, dont know if it was the old miss marple or something similar, but how after WW2 a lot of women were widowed and lived together for company and sharing the costs of living. I really loved that idea, but of course society pegged them as gay, which is typical.
Who fucking cares who's gay? if we all minded our own business and lived how we wished the world might be a better place.

I think whatever your life choice if you’re happy then that’s all that matters. Only time I get annoyed about being single is when I’m asked by people constantly how’s my love life.

I wouldn’t close myself off completely to the idea of a relationship. But there’s a hell of different between having one naturally happen and it adding to your life and settling for anyone.

I know plenty of happy couples. But I also know plenty of miserable people too scared to leave to be the dreaded status of single.

I’d love to live in a commune with other straight women (gay women welcome too).

I’ve been single 15 yrs give or take a few flings. I feel ashamed to admit it like there must be something wrong with me. Not actively searching at the moment but never had much luck with men and relationships . Feel a bit meh about it all lately especially the lack of intimacy part really wouldn’t know where to start now!

@Thepeopleversuswork I'm with you on this. I'm married but read the thread today about early retirement and much of it (not all) was full of the 'we' and not much of the 'I' and an awful lot of it sounded quite depressing to me and very co dependent. Maybe I'm just odd but endless hiking with my H etc would drive me potty.