To not want a relationship?

[InTheMoonglow]

I know it's not exactly unreasonable, as who cares? But I would love to hear if anyone is similar.

I have an adult DD who now lives overseas with her partner, we lost her dad when she was 10. Since then I haven't married but been in a relationship for 15 yrs, which is now ending. It's amicable, but glad to be getting out of it.

Thing is, I have never really been motivated to hitch up in a marriage or romance, even when I look back to my early teens I never really 'got' what other girls were looking for, the whole needing or wanting a man thing. I am heterosexual and do like sex, but I am not really motivated or arsed about it all. If I envision a perfect future I am self sufficient and surrounded by friends, people I love, immediate and extended family, pets, etc.
I'm not asexual but sex and men don't fill up my head or bother me much. And for this reason I find it difficult to relate to other women who are putting up with crazy shit for the sake of love, but I realise I am an outlier.

I am now approaching 50, and would prefer not to do it again. I know this is my prerogative and that it's ok, I take care of myself for personal reasons and look pretty good but I can't give a shit what men think. I think in our heads, in our society, we are just set up to care, to imagine life with someone in a typical relationship. Am I alone though? I know one woman who is similar but does keep getting entangled against her better judgement.

Thankfully we live in a time where there is little pressure to conform, but I see so many around me still do, often out of need for companionship (which can be found elsewhere) or security. The security part is the most insidious i feel.

Would love to hear of people like me who just aren't into it all and would love a life unattached yet with meaningful relationships and personal happiness.

Probably win the record here for being single the longest!

Already joked with DH that if we ever split I CBA with another man!

nearly 61 here and been totally 'single' relationship-wise since having DS over 20 years ago; having ds made me very particular about all relationships, not just the get jiggy-jiggy ones.

Before then, I had relationships but I really was too independent for most men and got a few nutters under my belt in the process, the last being ds's dad.

Yes it can be lonely at times, but I'd rather just deal with me and mine than deal with a.n. other person just because I don't want to be alone.

I’ve been single for over 6 years. I’m 47, menopausal and very happy to be single! I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship now, the compromises are too much. I’ve never met a man who doesn’t end up expecting the woman to pick up the majority of the domestic chores. I’m very independent and enjoy my own company.
There are lots of us out there I think!

Next time you're in a restaurant op, take a good look around. The table having the most fun/most animated conversation will be the table of single sex friends. Then the families, where at least one if not both of the parents will be wishing they were anyone where but there. The mother might be trying to jolly everyone along, but the dad will be thinking about his golf swing. Next look at the couple who've been together twenty years and have absolutely nothing to say to each other but cast around for platitudes like 'this salad's nice.' Bored shitless but it's possibly a birthday treat.
There might be a couple who've just started dating, they'll probably be having fun in a bizarre attempt to become the couple detailed above.

Point is, you're 'lright op, you got it right.

I do think there are a lot of happy couples out there, my parents were such an example. I had a very nice childhood and value their commitment.

But I didnt grow to be like that myself. I value commitment and dont want casual flings, but i dont care for the typical lifestyle. I just cant be arsed at all.

I dont measure my life with theirs, I only wish there was equal value in our society for those who wish to go it alone. We are primed and set up to fear being alone, but to be without a man is not lonely, to me.

I can beat that. 😜 I've been single for 18 years now. Completely through choice. No flings, nothing. My heart was broken years ago and I decided I never wanted to go through that again as it just isn't worth it. I'm much happier alone. No-one thinking they can tell me what to do (a deathwish for anyone who's ever tried, single or not!), no-one to consider or compromise with, I am free!

but you see our society would just regard you as 'damaged' and if you found the right man, you'd be complete!

Absolute shite, of course.

I mean, my current ex is ok, he isn't stupid, but even he said at one point "if you found the right man, you'd go crazy for sex"

This only served to torture himself, and me. What is this stranglehold of sex? We are pretty much socialised to think this way. It's a mess.

I'm sure they do. Whereas actually I just never met a man I thought was worth giving up my freedom for. Because that's what it would be. A loss of freedom.

All my friends are in couples and have been for years. There isn't a single one that I look at and think I wish I had what you have. The whole kids / family this just looks tedious to me. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD so may that explains my "urgh, how tedious!" so no doubt that's the reason they'll give for my 'damage'. That or the classic insult of "career woman" (I earn a 6 figure salary in the City). In reality it's neither. I just prefer my life as a single woman. My only frustration is so many things being set up for couple or families.

If being single lifelong counts, I can beat that - I’m 60, heterosexual and have always been happily single!

I am 50. My life is so much better now that I have committed to being on my own.
granted, I didn’t make the best choices when it comes to men, but my relationships were EXHAUSTING, when I look back at them.
They demanded so much of me - it was like having a dependent child.

I am still recovering … getting lots of sleep… it’s lovely 😅

This for me too. I really would not be bothered

And it's lazy reasoning too. Few people accept this choice , it is often conflated with damage or 'issues'. I'd say the opposite myself, but then i do respect those who it works for. Our world is set up in a certain way, so if we stray from that we are weird.

I can't be arsed either.

I too am 50 in a few years and have only been single for 2 years since I was 16. The 2nd of those 2 years is now and, like before (5 years ago), I feel the most at peace and content than in any of my long term relationships.

I have no intention of sharing my bed or my home with anyone other than my children again. I just can't be bothered. I'm happy to put all my energy into my child, my friends and my family - the people that are there for me- I'll be there for them. None of my exes ever really bothered being truly there for me, so fuck it - I'm not wasting my precious time again. I'm self sustaining, happy and pro-active. Men just drain me with their attention seeking egotistical ways. I truly can't. be. arsed.

When I was younger, the idea - the hope - of meeting "the one", and having an amazing relationship, being in love, living with the 'perfect' man for me... it was the be all and end all.

Fast forward to now - mid 40's - it's a 180 degree turn. Never had kids, relieved. Got married, it was terrible, got divorced. Dated quite a lot after my divorce, including 4 guys addicted to porn (shit shags I have to say), a couple of alcohol dependent blokes (although at least their dicks worked), and various other unsuitable types and I'm just about done and to be perfectly candid, it's a relief.

Not sure if I've been very unlucky, or am just atrocious at choosing anyone suitable, but at this stage of my life my biggest regret, unquestionably, is how much time I wasted on men. Dating them, texting them, having bad sex with them, being married to one of them, spending time and having a shit time with them... don't get me wrong, I think men as friends, relatives, colleagues, and I've had fantastic male bosses - all this can be superb. But for anything more, no thank you, done my time and I can't see me bothering moving forwards.

I don't want to have another relationship because it's never been worth it, and now I'm probably, if I'm lucky, half way through my life and simply don't want to waste even more time.

I too, shudder when I read these awful threads about the various things women are putting up with in their relationships. Having been there myself in the past, can attest to it truly being soul-destroying. Quiet, clean flat, bed all to myself, a great nights sleep each night, peace, joy, can do what I want when I want, no one to clean up after, not having to navigate some awful mans horrible moods, don't have to put up with unreasonable behaviour: cheating, lies, aggression... christ alive the list just goes on. Life is so much better without a man in it.

I’m 50 later this year and genuinely can’t see myself ever being in another relationship. I feel at peace currently, contented, and spending energy getting to know someone, dating, having to adjust my life, potential drama and stress is just unimaginable.

Prior to my exDH leaving to set up home with his secretary our marriage I knew I shouldn’t be putting up with how he treated me, internet dating was brutal and I seemed to attract married men mainly, and the couple of relationships I’ve had since my divorce didn’t add value to my life (although the sex was amazing with one of them!).

I’ve been single for several years now and life is good - me, my DC and dog, good job, small but fantastic group of friends, a few hobbies - it suits me. I am graceful for the peace, space and sanity.

No. Mid 30s and done. Absolutely done. I am going to concentrate on my children and rebuilding life to be the way I want it.

I hope many girls and women will feel like you do and not feel the pressure to be with somebody.

I'm definitely teaching my children that having a partner is not a vacancy you have to fill.

PlantDoctor
Already joked with DH that if we ever split I CBA with another man!

Dh asked me if he died would I marry again. Said definitely not, can't be bothered.

I too read the retirement thread and thought - God almighty stuck in a campervan with the same old fart day in day out until one or other of them needs to be cared for.
Chart your own course OP. Loneliest people I've ever met have been trapped in relationships.

This thread is so comforting. Heading towards divorce I can't imagine ever wanting to bother again. I feel men take far more than they give, and relationships are more of a benefit to them than us.

@Gtsr443 phew- I thought it was just me!! And I'm married

I've been single for 10 years. It's just not been possible as a lone parent with no family around to support. I've accepted it now. I'm 54 this year, my son is only 12 and has ASD/ADHD so I've had to come to terms with my life not going the way I planned. It was not by choice, my husband had an affair and left and now has no contact with our son. I really can't afford babysitters and I'm grateful to my friends who will care for him if I have the odd night out (which amounts to 2 over the last 4 years!). Maybe one day I'll be able to have a little more freedom.

I think my single friends in their 50's exude contentment.

Good careers, homes, social lives, friends.

They all, without exception look years younger.

None are interested in dating sites.
They certainly would never want to live with anyone at this stage.

My married friends agree that should they lose their husbands, they wouldn't bother to have another relationship.

They all love their husbands and simply wouldn't be interested in the effort of another relationship.

I think for many they have given so much to their families over the years, they wouldn't wish to invest in anyone new.

I shudder at the idea.

I love my husband to bits, but after 30 years together the idea of another man holds absolutely no interest at all.

OP, it sounds like you have a lovely life.

Enjoy.